college: life after kids, marriage and separation (series): the transition
How many times do you stop and think, “ wow, that person has it all together?” If you're anything like me then you think this a lot actually. I look at my professors and the fellow students at my school and I honestly feel ill equipped for any of it.
I am a 36 year old mother of two and my marriage is failing, I cant keep steady work because of transportation to the next town over and I am attending college to get a bachelors of science degree. to say i feel like a failure who is running about in circles is putting it lightly at this point.
I don't know how anyone does it, but I know they do. So why is it so hard for me, I wonder. I am smart, I can figure things out usually, so why is it difficult at this stage in time?
As I ponder these things, like you do, I find myself reflecting on my will to survive. I come to the conclusion during my anthropology studies, that people migrate for several legit reasons. I did it for marriage and my (future ex) husband’s job. I moved almost four hours away from the area we grew up and i have no blood relations where I am. I literally must sink or swim at this point. and I am terrified.
Now even though we are separated for completely valid reasons, my husband has been very gracious with allowing me access to our joint account and the money for bills, and I am very grateful for that. I just don't wish to stay reliant on him because i never wanted to use him while we were married or even now as we are separated. I fell for him when he had nothing, stayed by him when we struggled and still had nothing and now after we had a chance to have something and he squandered it(plus some additional behaviors i couldn't tolerate) I find myself crying because i know we made it this far and almost achieved our goals together. Ego is a powerfully destructive thing sometimes.
I work better in small teams, usually a duo set, my husband liked to run and dictate things for the most part. He had to be incharge, of the sinking ship, i'm not really sure. we had our joint issues and I am honestly without fault. His toxic brought out my toxic and that was all. we actually made a good pair because we brought out our good and our bad. I like to face the darkness where my husband likes to hide it so he can't see it. Its actually toxic to only see sunshine and rainbows and not acknowledge the less positive things in life.
Its actually quite odd to hear some of the things he is telling people, its not that accurate in reality and that showed me he never really loved me. I remember telling him that he didn't have to stay with me if he didn't want to, in the start, and that if we ended up pregnant and he didn't want a relationship he could be my friend and we would just be friends with a kid together. He then insisted he wouldn't let me carry that responsibility alone, he would honor his duty. I cringed when he said it then responded with: but i don't want you to be with me if you don't love me, than never ends well id would just like to be friends if that happened, but he insisted. we did start dating officially and even got pregnant, then after almost 2 years he asked me to marry him the night of my 30th birthday. he didn't get to do it how he wanted to but he tried. i still laugh at how it went and i really think fondly of what he had planned but wasn't able to execute.
I was really happy, but I was so blind. He wasn't a prince or a wizard or even a genius, he was a con artist who hated himself even though he flashed himself like a dirty peacock around. His thinking was organized but there was always a deluded grandness to it. He could be clingy as long as you served his intentions but he grew distant if you didn't. Looking back I can see a scared, loose, man conflicted with his own feelings of right and wrong, but not brave enough to face his turmoil. He still wears a mask for everyone, but it takes more now for him to hide it, so he stays high. he really like hallucinogenic drugs and pot; but pot is pot.
I still believe he can be that great man he was trying to be and I believe he could do it with me by his side, but that relies on him. I never gave up on him, I just put my boundaries up finally. you want someone you can respect? here they are: none of this behavior is acceptable. staying gone for days, weeks, months at a time with little to no contact and then acting like i shouldn't be hurt or upset, that is a big NO. wasting money on things that could land you in federal prison, Big NO NO, breaking your promises about our family and life for our children and ignoring them, is a HELL TO THE MFING NO. pretending to be the pitiful thing but in reality you are a plotting, sneaking, lying, cheating, addict, who has a trump card you can use to gain sympathy, is a major fuck no.
I love him and i have forgiven him, but he has to forgive himself and acknowledge his wrong, but like i said he will not. I feel sorry for him, and Im hurt and angry, but i really do love him and miss the good times even after he was injured. I just hate that he couldn't see that i nagged not to control, but because i cared. I stayed not because of money and things being easy, but because I loved him and us together forever through time and space. even now he is an anchor for me and I have no contact with him. I just think of what would the man I married want me to do? and I actually laugh cause if i'm honest the younger versions of ourselves would probably beat the shit out of our current selves and take turns on the opposite. they would both cry, scream and berate us for what we allowed to happen to our team.
Right now its just fumbling around through sadness and responsibility while I try to repair what he broke in our family unit. I didn't want anyone else but him and I only ever wanted to make him jealous at times, but now as much as I want him i cant let him wreck us again, we aren't even healed from this yet.
The think with school is, the kids are doing great, I however am struggling like a slacker in the back row and insufficient sleep. Im worried about bills, about the kids, about class schedules, transportation, doctors appointments, and so much more. I'm getting older so the fire i had has dimmed, i haven't given up I just don't jump at the thought of I can do this, its more of a shrug now with an eye roll. His doctor was correct in saying that if I did everything and worried about his care, i would be burned out soon.
Its not easy and Im scared but i'm also a mother and a woman who knows I was raised to do this even if it wasn't what they intended to teach me.
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