The Footsteps Die Out Forever
The Footsteps Die Out Forever
I woke up. Normal. Painless. Secure. Questioningly, strangely, even so, comfortable. There was no piercing pain on the nape of my neck or a throbbing ache on my frontal lobe, not even a blistering discomfort when I extended my neck to reach my straw. The environment that surrounds me is lively and safe, not even close to those uncomfortable hospital beds with searing fluorescent lights hanging overhead that hit your eyes hard enough to serve their intended purpose, to make you feel fear and helplessness. I’m in my mother’s apartment. Family photo frames adorn the run-down, discolored walls, which should have been repainted years ago. That signature smell of Asida wafting from the kitchen filling the living room with warm and loving memories. That special feeling of home that has been missing in my life since I left for New Hampshire to go to law school. For the first time, there is no one else here. Usually there’s my mother in her nursing scrubs on the landline with Aunt Charise conversing and complaining loudly about Gretchen from H.R, or my brother Ali loudly smacking his lips eating a huge turkey leg because apparently " 'You don’t get strong eating like a princess'." There is just silence. I notice that the coffee table that is usually hidden under unopened mail, restaurant coupons, and newspaper clippings is totally empty-- except for a lone VCR tape. That’s weird because our old VCR, which was covered in dust and lint, was thrown out by my mom ages ago. And somehow, there it is, settled near the TV set, the old VCR that showed many of our family home videos and my favorite movies from childhood. I grab the tape and hesitate before finally choosing to put it in.
"He saved me... I don’t even know who he is... and he saved me." A quivering woman cried, looking at the body that was quietly breathing, tucked under the covers of the lumpy hospital bed. I’m here again, but I’m not in my weak, ailing body. I’m right next to her, watching her look at the decaying and deteriorating body.
"I don’t even know why he did it." The woman sobbed, and shortly after, she broke down in tears, her shoulders shaking violently.
" Every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other." Another woman (I'm guessing her mother) says softly before wrapping her arms around the weeping figure.
Suddenly, all the memories hit me like a violent storm. It was an underwhelming and boring January afternoon, the bright sun contrasting greatly with the cold gray weather. I walked out of the warm coffee shop to head back to the dreary law office where I am interning. Law wasn’t even my first choice for a professional career. My mom always supported my brother and I to fulfill our passions in life. My brother was going to pursue a career in football. I saw the strain it put on my mom. She invested all her time in supporting his dream, worried that he might get hurt or, even worse, might not be good enough. So, I decided that law would be the appropriate job to support them both.
I turn the corner and see a woman, dressed formally, talking on her phone animatedly with authority. The light turned green and the woman walked on to her destination. Suddenly, the loud screeching of tires overshadowed the busy street. A car driving down carelessly, not even trying to stop, sped towards the crosswalk. The woman stood frozen, now undistracted from her phone, seeming not to hear the hurried shouts for her to get out of the way. Instinctively, I run over to push her towards the sidewalk. And suddenly, everything turned dark.
"How am I going to face them?" The whimpering woman asked after a long period of silence. “His mother’s voice on the phone was so… and now his family is coming and…This all could have been avoided if I had just jumped out of the way."
"Molly." The older woman paused before continuing, "That person was driving recklessly. Your life was in danger, and you were scared. At times like these, it is important to remember that you cannot carry such a burden on your shoulders."
I watched the scene in front of me with great sorrow, not for the loss of my spirit that has detached from the incapacitated body that will soon stop breathing, but for the weeping woman to whom I have gifted this awful guilt because of my own actions. The feeling of desolation that I have given to my mother and my brother. The sense of disappointment from my professors and employers, believing that my talent was wasted, I cannot even imagine the confusion and bewilderment that they are all feeling. Only one question comes to mind: why did he do it? That was a question that they might never get an answer to. Maybe he knew the mystery woman? Maybe he wanted to be seen as a hero? Maybe he was just plain stupid? To be perfectly honest, the second that car ran the red light on that colorless January afternoon, I wasn’t really thinking; I only really saw her. The unnamed woman, Molly, who seemed so commanding and ardent when she was talking on her phone. So passionate, so driven, strutting along the sidewalk with such dedication and determination to make it to her destination. She had a faint grin on her face, her eyes rising to show her pleased expression. She seemed happy to wake up every day and be able to succeed in something that gives her joy, a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. Seeing Molly frozen on the crosswalk with that terrified look in her eye, that believed that all of the happiness she worked for would be gone in an instant, ignited something inside of me, telling me to bolt over to her, disregarding my life in the process. I walked over to the two women and kneeled in front of Molly. I glanced down at the tiled floor, wishing there was some way I could communicate with her. " Please don’t blame yourself for this," I spoke, knowing I wouldn’t be heard, "Don’t end up like me. You will have a lot of happiness in the time to come… You deserve to have a future, you deserve to have a life you love." I hope with all my heart that that message will resonate with her somewhere in the future. I turned around and looked at the cold, dying body nearing its end and felt a wave of calm run through me. Everything will hurt, so much so that sometimes the pain and the guilt will be unbearable, but in the end, it will pass, just a bump on the road to euphoria. I can’t help but think of my mother. So hardworking, loving, she has sacrificed so much to make my brother and I happy. And Ali, so talented, so deserving, I remember those chilly November Thanksgiving afternoons when he would narrate the annual football game, conscious of the fact that I couldn’t care less about it; he’ll blow everyone out of the water with that pointy laced ball in his hands. Molly, who has gotten the chance to continue her life, a second chance at happiness, and who’ll achieve so much more than she thought she was capable of. I see the lives for which I lay down my life, peaceful, useful, prosperous and happy. I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts, and in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence. It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known. I breathe in and out, now finally aware of all my surroundings. I close my eyes and inhale, when I open them, I am safe and in my mother’s apartment again. I look at the VCR near the TV set and carefully remove the tape. Sometime after, on the land of the living, in that cold hospital room, the limp body’s breathing turned lighter and slower till soon it would cease to make movement.
germansingergirl
vaporwave
2087