[3amthooughts]

[aidashakur]

Finding peace in letting things be as they are.

[d-s-9]

[keezy4hours]

Like most single people, I believe I’m too complicated for anyone to love . It doesn’t matter if that’s a true statement or not. I won’t let anyone close enough to find out. Push, push everyone away.

[makingculturepop]

[86jodeci]

[kingjaffejoffer]

[thoughtstherapy]

[haelxtii]

Romans 8:18

The suffering of the present time is

nothing compared to the

coming glory that will be revealed to us.

[goldcoasthoney]

As we enter a season where people seek radical change, just know that maintaining what you already have going on is just as important.

[keezy4hours]

A Jack of all trades, yet mentally unhealthy.

Walking through life while holding my breath is a specialty of mine. There’s this song, Waving Through a Window, that explains what I mean to a tee. I often find myself repeating a few lines throughout the day.

“Step out, step out of the sun…”

That’s another thing I’m really good at, stepping out of the light, any light. I once dreamed of being a singer. My mom told me I couldn’t sing, so I’m not a singer. Then I dreamed of acting, never got the lead role. Dancing, I’m too fat. There was being a makeup artist, a Dj, an influencer , a YouTuber, and on and on. The moment I’m told, or I believe I’m not good at one thing I stop doing that thing. I’m a quitter. But I like to think I’m a quitter because I’m protecting my mental health. If I quit, I don’t have to think. There’s no thoughts about how my performance sucked. I can forget how awful a clients makeup turned out. I’ll never have to see the look of disappointment on a crowd of peoples faces due to a bad set. Those thoughts will never occur if I don’t do the thing. 

“Step out of the sun if you keep getting burned.”

The burning comes the minute I slip into a negative space mentally. The second I feel embarrassed, nervous, anxious, doubtful, I will immediately start the negative self talk. I’ll keep burning, negatively speaking to myself over and over until it’s 4am. Then suddenly I’m in a circle of convincing myself to try whichever thing again, failing, and burning, again.

“No slipping up if you slip away.”

How true is that? So I’ve quit another thing. I no longer feel the embarrassment, the nerves or the anxiety. Why would I choose to make mistakes when I can choose to not. A Jack of all trades is a master of none. So sure I can hold a tune, I can bust into an 8 count. My makeup looks better than an average persons, I can even edit videos. Could I be really good at any of those things? 

“Will I be more than I’ve always been?”

Don’t hold your breath waiting for me to be.

[haelxtii]

[florescentlcvesickness]

[xo-indulgence]

You don't need to wait for the love of your life to love your life.

[anxietyproblem]

[keezy4hours]

Yerrrrr

For the last four years, post breakup, I’ve scrolled to the bottom of my Instagram story viewers list looking for one name. I now do this subconsciously and I don’t get disappointed when his name isn’t listed. But there is always that thought, lingering. Over time I’ve accepted that when he does pop in, it’s just him popping in. It’s not us sharing that same thought. But recently I noticed that his life and current,four year long, relationship has gotten extra serious. So I thought I’d seen the last of him “popping” in. I was content with that, after all it’s been a long time.

So life goes on of course and I post on my stories as usual, but I still scroll and scan my viewers, subconsciously. You can imagine my surprise when I saw his account, in my views, after months of not. And well naturally I would like to know what it all means. If it all means nothing. If it’s as simple as it looks. But I’ll never know, I’ll just be waiting to see his name again, and again.

[classycookiexo]