Faycla Lara

Just a wanderer. Still young in craft, still unpolished in voice. Carving a small corner of her own quiet realm to share her words and pieces. She grows with every encounter, every lesson, every passing day. Stay awhile, return often, and follow along the epiphanies and wisdom.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

I cut off people based on accumulating signs, not impulsivity.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

Who are you without an audience?

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

Ask them.

Listen to what they’ve been through.

Listen with care. Truly listen.

Comfort them.

Be empathetic.

Be there for them.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

Processing grief is so funny. It’s like playing ping-pong, back and forth. Denial, disbelief, anger, acceptance, then back to anger again. Sometimes it feels like starting from the beginning all over again. And we don’t know when it will end.

I’m just proud that I could bravely sit with it, feel it, look into it, introspect, reflect on it, and so on… but there are still some parts of it that I couldn’t find the answer to.

I could kind of grasp the reasoning behind it based on his family background and his life at home, but humans are just complex, and this person thinks in a way I’ve never encountered before.

Or maybe I haven’t wandered far enough outside of my bubble? That many internally shitty humans exist and are good at masking it?

Oh God, why can’t humans just be simple without those kinds of games? It makes me want to study psychology for my master’s degree. Gotta make a GoFundMe.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

In a world that likes to play mind games, hot-and-cold tests, and manipulation tactics…

Am I too naive, walking bare through this world, to give tenderness and love purely? Isn’t that what we supposed to do?

Or am I just a lamb getting eaten alive?

Why is this world so fake? Why has the simplest thing become something so hard?

Maybe this cold world is not for me, God.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

Why are you ‘seeking’ a negative reaction out of me? Why are you ‘seeking’ to make me jealous? Why are you ‘seeking’ to make me angry? Why are you ‘seeking’ to make me sad?

-

You did all of those things right in front of me. You knew I was there beside you — every time — and I saw you smirk afterward, like it was intentional: to get a reaction out of me or to test my tolerance and boundaries.

If it wasn’t intentional, why weren’t you considerate enough to think that it would impact me in some way? Why can’t you grasp that those are not good things to do to your partner?

-

What are you trying to achieve?

Why can’t our relationship just be peaceful and warm? Like what I communicated to you before we started dating?

-

I don’t understand your way of thinking.

-

You’re sick in the mind.

You’re sick in the heart.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

“A friend to all is a friend to none.” - Aristotle

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

You said you are broken. Now I believe it. Keep that brokenness to yourself, and don’t let it hurt people who genuinely care and love you.

“Hurt people hurt people.” When you said that to me, I was confused, because I know damn well that’s not me.

Now, I realize you just didn’t have the guts to say that to your own face.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

I told you the things that would hurt me,

yet you chose to do them anyway.

Are you even human?

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

Why are you trying to control my feelings when they’re the result of your own actions?

Look who’s the controlling one.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

Tuhan juga melihat, Tuhan juga mendengar. Biar Tuhan yang menilai.

God saw it too, God heard it too. Let God handle it.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

b E nT

—

I didn’t understand what I saw.

I didn’t understand what I heard.

So I spoke.

Your reply—a quiet sting, twisting my story, brittle air—

makes me understand it even less.

I crave, I hunt,

I wander through every memory—

to understand.

I yearn, I dig,

I don’t give up looking for answers—

to understand.

I contemplate it,

I analyze it,

I make assumptions—

to understand.

The mind is overloaded.

The mind is exhausted.

The mind is b E nT

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

menuju kerikil

—

waktu terus melangkah.

diriku terkuras.

menjadi kecil,

kecil,

dan kecil.

menuju kerikil.

karena tingkah,

karena ucapan,

karena dingin,

—mu.

bingung. bertanya-tanya.

pengakuan apa yang ingin kamu peroleh?

di luar dari dirimu?

di luar dari hubungan ini?

di luar dari diriku?

memang, bisa saja.

membuat waktu hentikan langkahnya.

agar aku tak lagi terkuras

dan berhenti menuju kerikil.

tapi, aku hanyalah manusia.

yang mencintai cinta

dan ingin memahami.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

Dibuat Kecil

—

Lahir penuh.

Tumbuh penuh.

Keingintahuan penuh.

Antusias penuh.

Cinta penuh.

Semua aku besar. Semua aku penuh. Semua aku bangga.

Yang dekat. Yang intim. Yang aku cinta.

Melontar.

Berlebihan.

Sensitif.

Rumit.

Tak pantas kah aku bersuara

tentang kesedihan yang ku lihat,

ketidaknyamanan yang ku dengar,

rasa gentar yang ku rasa,

—sepenuhnya?

Yang dekat. Yang intim. Yang aku cinta.

Mengulang.

Dengan ego.

Dengan bela.

Dengan berkilah.

dan.., Dengan dibuat kecil.

Apakah aku yang penuh

harus menjadi kecil

agar pantas dicintai

dengan mudah dan baik?

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

i have yet to tune myself—altered—in line with whatever it is. eroded and undermined in the name of tenderness. bones dissembled and lost in the rainstorm. what would that be—some parts that were inside, swept away by the wind, when they were supposed to be whole?

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

Picturesque Being is Your Inner Essence of Soul, to Yourself First

—

Pretty deer, your selfless is good-hearted. The way you think about others is benevolent. Desiring to stroke their hair and say, “It’s going to be okay.” Frightened they would feel lost, with diminished hope, and alone with no one to care.

You might embody the kindness of selflessness, but to bloom is to pour love into yourself. Caring for oneself radiates warmth that will thrive eternally. Nothing would wreck or despair an unyielding, graceful self.

A captivating, serene epitome; it's you. Who gives love to oneself and to those who need. It comes naturally. It comes adequately. If you give it to yourself—first.

[kelabu-dikala-nisha]

—

i will remind you

dozens of things out there

that you haven’t seen and heard

that you haven’t touched and tasted

it’s a big world

with a curse for us being too small

don’t be gone just yet

let us see you in another day