It Could Bend or It Could Break

[kellavana]

still alive. not thriving. I just cry all the time or do whatever I can to not feel anything. surprise surprise, that has only been making everything worse and 100x more intimidating to unravel and fix 

got the wrong kind of validation from Dr.P as in “you’re the most unwell person Ive met with” 

its getting worse. I dont even have any sort of identity or any fucking clue what im doing, what would be enough to stay around for

[kellavana]

we are supposed to start ptsd work again this week 

after like 3 months of a break 

cause we had to stop after never really getting anywhere anyways becuase I couldnt tolerate it and just got high before every session

but what weve been doing in the meantime in terms of everyday life stuff to “get more stable” has also not been very effective or worth the time

so we agreed last week to try this again

and now i regret it 

and i couldnt fill out the questionnaire beforehand YET AGAIN because YET AGAIN i feel like none of it applies to me anymore cause its been so long i just live this way? I dont have nightmares or panic attack etc in public or situations where it rmeinds me becuase ive crafted my life in a way where i dont have to run into triggers. which is a super convenient thing to have done to really back up the “ok but we’re being dramatic. i dont have ptsd”

so cool. cant wait to have that argument for the 100th time

nice to know I havent changed since last time we tried

god im tired

[killed-long-ago-deactivated2021]

“I don’t think I’ll ever realize where I went wrong but I’ll keep wondering for the rest of my life”

— (via killed-long-ago)

[weltenwellen]

Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I’m Home

[kellavana]

Dr.P asked if I eventually wanted a relationship

I scoffed immediately said no, didnt want to skip a beat and make him question my answer. 

and that is the response I have conditioned myself to say for years. Because what if someone thought I actually wanted that,  and thought I thought I deserved that. I cant stand the humiliation of that 

laugh in my face, roll their eyes, think in their head how stupid and delusional I am. I was worried if I said “yes” dr,p would think to himself “LOL yeah right that will never happen I just wanted to hear you say it. see how pathetic you are, can’t believe you think you would ever deserve that”

so i should tell him that right? especially because it is a common default for my brain about many other things... not just relationships. that he thinks im a waste of life. 

[kellavana]

This might be too personal, but have you ever done ect? Has it ever been recommended? Also ketamine & psilocybin are being tested as treatment for persistent depression

Sry pt 2 re: depression treatment

The dramatic shift in your mentality while high just seems to point to a clear neurochemical connection. If you were able, I’d ask some questions about those options!

ECT has been brought up. I have been evaluated once, deemed not a candidate but it has been suggested that I pursue a second opinion and get another evaluation. my psychologst has mentioned microdosing of certain drugs and the research. when i told him how great i felt on acid he had me repeat how i felt. i think he was making a note similar to yours. I am conflicted about both for different reasons, and honestly I would probably not bring them up again myself, it was hard to get me to do the first evaluation and I had to keep asking if it was really necessary..if i was really that bad. being ruled “not a candidate” has kind of reaffirmed that. 

but to be quite honest, Ive found myself thinking about it again... pursuing it again- Covid kind of cut that journey short last year. 1.5 years into therapy and still feeling this hopeless makes me think that I am just too depressed to benefit from therapy, and thats been the case for a while. that given my history, im doing the order wrong. and im just stuck here hoping I can get myself to a place where I am motivated to participate in therapy. but its just not happening and I dont know how much I can wait there, or if im just wasting time because im eventaully going to have to go this route anyways 

[heavensghost]

[kellavana]

I spent last night fucked out of my mind on acid, with a guy, in his trailer where he lives. and there was a pig there 

it was a very weird night

that I originally felt like it would be a mistake (I mean I was going to fuck him anyways but i walked in and thought “I dont want to do this but im going to. thats probably the problem right there”

but after we dropped the acid it actually turned out to be a fucking hilarious night. we fucked all night and stayed up laughing and talking about the weirdest shit. and I just realized I had never in my life, felt that happy. like that was true happiness. for the first time ever I felt comfortable with my body, and just the concept of having a body and having a body that wants to be touched. I still didn’t get anywhere but maybe closest ive come 

anyways, i’ll likely never see him again but im glad i had that experience. at one point when we were just laying there doing nothing in the dark I cried the tiniest bit because I just felt so overwhelmed with how devastatingly sad I felt for myself and all the years I spent punishing myself for being hurt and scared and in pain. when this is what it could have been. this is what my friends go to experience. they did this under normal phases of life. they didn’t plow through partners at 28yrs old frantically trying to find something that will make them want to live. 

therapy was hard today again and I just feel so detached because ive been trying to detach myself, and succeeding at it by being reckless in all the other ways I can so that I dont get sucked into actually wanting to live which would force me to look at everything ive destroyed 

I cried tonight when I got home, originally after an argument with my mother but then I just bawled because im so sad. I’m so sad that my brain is so fucked up that I thought that that was what I should do. what i needed to do. and maybe it was at first, and he was nice and it was safe but then i ripped it out of my own hands and threw it in the fire too 

ive done that with everything. because im trying to create a life I will leave via suicide. I want to be dead so badly that anything else just seems like an extrememly painful existence 

I emailed Dr.P and asked for another session this week

he called me. asked what I wanted to accomplsh. I just said I dont know but now I feel awful about it all, and gross and I dont know what im going to do with that feeling I dont feel ok. he asked me what the differnce would be, how I would make sure that by friday when we have a phone session I wont just back track into the “fuck it” mode so that I dont care, so that I dont feel sad and say im fine, 

I re read the email I just sent him. its true. thats how I feel. horrified at how im destroying this too. and I said to him “i’m not fine, I wont say that on friday. I wont say i’m fine. i’m not, I know that Im asking for this meeting. im not going to flounder” 

he said “I know you’re not fine, I’m not trying to make fun of you for thinking itll  be different this time. I know you’re not fine. I’m just trying to help you prepare.”

he told me to brainstorm. write more, write an explain whats been going on. write problem solving. anything. I just have to take this desperation and not bury it with emotion numbing behaviours 

I need to care. I need to feel sad and desperate and scared. that is the reality I have to face to help me pull myself out 

I keep saying and feeling like I dont care, because I dont. because im refusing to let myself because im so terrified of being hit full force with the pain of how ive been living. I am so sad and angry at myself and just heartbroken

so now I have to write between today and friday. the things I can sort out, the details that would be helpful for him to know 

He asked me if I was going to work towards getting better or work towards killing myself and I choked back a sob becuase I immedately want to say death. I want it to be over. but that makes no sense, I just asked for more therapy. so it cant be true and im horrified and sick at the thought 

he told me to think of it more like a destination and that I just keep getting pulled off track, and thats whats gonna happen. and I cant make the decision because im not ok with that being the reality 

he said “you dont have to make a yes or no decision. youvre going to struggle  and be pulled off track and that doesnt mean you arent choosing to live. we can do all that we can deal with all that as long as you’re still aiming for the destination. 

I did truly have a good time last night. But when its over and im sober again i’m empty again. and if the ideal human existence is just expeiriencing even a fraction of that happiness, I am way off the map. i’m not doing ok. im not fine, my life isnt going to be fine. everything is a problem, and it will continue to be one and fester and grow new branches and im going to be crushed under the weight of it all 

[kellavana]

On sat night I had rough sex with some guy. I thought maybe I would feel something or just anything and I didn’t. I didn’t get anything out of it so I defaulted back to hating myself and being so angry with myself for ruining my life. So it came in handy, to have some sort of external force inflicting pain, because everything I have done for years barely works anymore. He kept hitting me across he face and choking me and I finally got a little reprieve from frantically trying to find a way to quiet my brain through self harm, I didn’t have to do it anymore

[kellavana]

Today, a guy told me I should kill myself

I think I just encountered my brain in person

Happy New Year! I hope both of our resolutions come true lmao

[kellavana]

I feel really dead inside

And I’ve been letting go of therapy. I’ve been slowly unstitching myself from any sort of connection and trust we had managed to scrounge up

I didn’t know I’d be able to do that. I didn’t think I could ever let go until I was pushed away. I was kind of counting on that to get me through this entire year of crippling depression...that is making therapy excruciating “at least I won’t leave unless forced!”

Fuck

[non-moss]

It’s my fault, isn’t it?

[weltenwellen]

Susan Sontag, Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963

[weltenwellen]

Louise Glück, from “Thrust”, Averno

[weltenwellen]

Jenny Slate, Little Weirds

[mentallynotchill]

I literally have no fucking clue who I am, sometimes I think I’m a super nice person who has been unfairly treated in life and that everyone should love me but other times I’m convinced I’m the most horrible person in the world who can’t possibly have any real friends and that I deserve all the suffering I’ve gone through as punishment for who I am.

[heavyweightheart]

eating disorders are about a lot of things but maybe the thing they’re most about is a fear of our painful emotions and the drive to avoid them. that avoidance seems like our only means of psychological survival at the time. and it does allow us to survive whatever pain threatens us, but only temporarily