Forks, Shadows, and Chasms.
This is a post that might find its way eventually to my other blog, but I wanted to just pour myself out before then in a less open way.
I'm practically torn between two paths, two ideas. My heart literally hurts every time I think about one path--but it hurts against it, not for it.
I don't know what peace God talks about when He says the peace of God will rule and guide our hearts. I don't know what it feels like to know for certain one option is better than another.
Sure I walked in faith going to Ethiopia, but as time went on my God's faithfulness decreased my need of faith, or at least strenuous faith. Like, once I saw God provide, I knew He would continue to do so if it was will. If not, then I wouldn't go. No big problems staked.
But now it's not so easy and simple. Now it's two roads, none of which I can be passive about. It's not like I can see "If God doesn't come through, then I can't do this." It's pretty much I choose then see what God will do. I can only barely test the waters, but soon I'll have to face the fork straight on with the strong hands of Time at my back pushing me forward.
It sort of reminds me of the priests carrying the ark of the covenant across the Jordan. Before they arrived at the Jordan, they saw God miraculously divide the Red Sea. Now these priests and the nation of Israel stand before the river, expecting God to do the same mighty works, but Moses isn't told to stand by the river's edge and strike his rod into it. He is told to instruct the priests to carry the ark before everyone and walk into the river. It wouldn't part before they stepped in, but as they did. With each step, I'd presume, more of the water resided and they were able to cross.
So it is with me, I guess. I'm not able to passively sit back and simply wait to see God part the waters, I have to take steps toward His mighty works.
But, that's where it gets tricky. It's not so simple cut like that because there are two rivers, if you will. As of right now, I might have a possibility of seeing God part the waters, and then I have the already slightly parted water. I know I can at least step beyond the river's edge and know my foot won't be wet. But it's AFTER that step that gets cautious.
Tomorrow, I know whether I have the second river part partly, or if it's going to stay swelled.
But in light of that, it doesn't mean one river travel is more right than the other.
To break vagueness: I plan on college this Fall. I currently have like $100 to my name. But in addition to college, I want to sponsor three kids in Africa. Sponsoring them would cost at least $120 a month; but I want to sponsor for 3 months at a time to cushion myself.
So in essence both crossing points is in the waters of finances and future. But at different locations.
One crossing is this: I have been (spontaneously) presented with the opportunity to work at a Christian camp for the summer. I would be able to earn $1,000. Tuition at college is approx. $900 and books are about $300. So, with that itself, it's not enough to pay. But I have the possibility of getting a federal grant. But it's not guaranteed, so it's best to keep that out of the variables.
This crossing is the one that is partly resided. I know I can get $1,000. But it doesn't leave enough money for sponsorship, or even complete school fees. I would have to immediately search for a job upon my return, but college is very soon after my return. So it'd be likely, if no federal funding, that I'd need to take a small loan from my parents. Something I'm unsure they can afford and something I don't want to resort to. I already owe them for my trip to Ethiopia.
The other crossing is still swelled. But the sun makes it shimmery and unclear whether there is a parting or not. I might be able to get a job at Chickfila for 15-20hrs a week at minimum wage. In net wage, I'd get around $1,000. But it's not definite, however there's a high percentage because I have two people on the inside vouching for me, one of which is a higher employee.
But having my hand forced, I went out to submit some remaining applications and turn in some new ones. One place in particular(because it's the most promising) said I probably could get an on-the-spot interview when I turn in my application. I plan on going tomorrow afternoon to turn it in, so by day's end tomorrow I'll be able to know whether the water truly is parted.
The job might be better hours, but the same wage, I'd assume. So, I'm probably still in the same boat. But if I get the job, then I've got a job snagged come August that I wouldn't have crossing the other part of the river.
But at the same time, I might find out tomorrow that they don't want to hire me and Chickfila is still uncertain and I have to give my answer whether I can work for the camp or not. In it's spontaneity, I was supposed to give word today, but I didn't (other than a "probably not"). But it's been too sudden, too spontaneous. Found out Saturday night, only had Sunday to think it over, pray it over, and then give word today. Too quick.
But when I checked today, the opportunity is still open.
So, depending on the ways things turn out, I will be faced with the choice to cross the river unparted at first and have it parted while I walk by faith. Regardless of which way I go.
It's not like I don't want to go to the camp to work. On other circumstances I probably would have chose it. But it's so sudden, so unexpected.
Whenever I think about going that route, my heart literally pangs against it, hurting for my Ethiopian kids.
Although I know either way I'll be pushing my envelope on sponsoring them as soon as I can, but I don't want to wait to the end of August or even September to sponsor them. I don't know that my heart would let me. One is in immediate need--every time I talk to his would-be social worker, I'm begged(for lack of better words) to find him a sponsor. God has laid it on my heart to sponsor him, but I can't yet. I have some money that I can put toward his sponsorship that I can add to whatever I earn from whatever job I get here.
But I may not get a job. I may end up a sitting duck. Pell grant may come in, but more likely than not, it'd all go to college with no left-overs.
But I'd only be getting $1,000 on the other way. No "overtime," no extra projects, no double jobs. It'll be straight up $1,000. But at the same time, it'd all go to college, unless I don't go to college this semester and push back my college education back further. But, even with that, by the time Spring comes my $1,000 will be spent on sponsorship, and I'll be in the same boat: Job uncertainties. But then I won't have any possibility of getting Pell Grant. So it'll be all dependent on getting a job for me to go to college. If I don't get the money, then I will have to push my college education back ANOTHER semester, and thus leaving me two years behind.
Or I can get a job. Scrape together money for sponsoring, and devote the rest to college. Even if I have to lower my credit hour amount. But I'll still have the job during college and I can continue to save for next semester. I have no other funds I have to pay for except for gas(No car, no home rent, no food costs). Sure I have things I can save for, there are no responsibilities that require my money. I'll be able to save money in time for college, for sponsorship, and for gas, and for anything else.
I don't know.
Both have huge gaps. Both have storms of uncertainty. Both are hazardous. There isn't a less or more comfortable. Both will strain me. Both will cause me to depend on God. Both will draw me closer to God. Both will give me opportunity to know God more and better.
So sometimes I'm at the point of thinking both are "right" and both have different outcomes, but I'll only know years down the road whether the choice I choose was the better one. Sure I can learn more stuff through sermons at the camp. But in actuality I have the same opportunity here.
Over there, I may only have a few opportunities to present BCI to churches. Here, though, I can have several once I get the ball rolling. I have several ins to different churches and have good possibilities in getting in to present BCI. So, if I don't go then I'll have good chances to spread the word of BCI and have an impact on the children over there.
(Though I might have some personal contacts with people I work with at the camp.
Though at the same time I'd have personal contacts with my coworkers and employer and may have customer contacts.)
It's all confusing. All shady. All shadowy. All faith-expending. All God-dependent.
I just hope it's not a matter of one way is the right way and the other the wrong way. Just a good or a better way.
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