Keraunoscopia

Alexandra Balmer

[keraunoscopia]

30/365

Sometimes when I dust off the memories of us,  it feels like I’m looking at somebody else’s past. Like a memory of a memory, slipping through  my fingers with the sands of time.  But sometimes, I swear I see you coming through the doorway out of the corner of my eye, like a specter not quite ready to pass on.

[keraunoscopia]

29/365

I can understand the Impulse, wanting to know why, after it all.  But I don’t have a reason And there was nothing Wrong on paper.  And if nothing, my  feeling should be enough justification for you to  want to end it too.

[keraunoscopia]

28/365

I always thought you  would be my forever in a sea of uncertainty.  And now I have a sea of possibility,  except you.

[keraunoscopia]

27/365

I will always treasure the might-haves and could have beens along with the  used to bes. 

[keraunoscopia]

26/365

If I circled the world a thousand times and ventured through the most arid deserts, and thickest rainforests,  I would never find a  creature, more  beautiful, and more intriguing than her. 

[keraunoscopia]

25/365

When I fall asleep,  There’s a brief moment right before I drift off where I feel lighter than  air. Being with her used  to feel like that.  Maybe that is why I sleep so often now.

[keraunoscopia]

24/365

I only ever wanted to  Make you happy,  And even at that,  I failed. But still,  I’m glad you’re happy now.

[keraunoscopia]

23/365

To some, the thought of an  afterlife is nothing but hope, but I’m terrified, that if there  is an afterlife, then I will have  to spend an eternity without her.

[keraunoscopia]

22/365

Stars colliding may be beautiful but it is a destruction that man  could never truly fathom.  I think we were like that too.

[keraunoscopia]

21/365

I don’t know how to write if I’m not writing about you. I don’t know how to dream if I’m not dreaming about you. I want to be free of you,  But I’m afraid there will be  nothing left of me.

[keraunoscopia]

20/365

I stopped reading, for a long time.  I wasn’t sure why, but I realize now that my reality was enough for me then. But now, I read again, to escape this  world with you in it.

[keraunoscopia]

19/365

some may say that life is short but it is the longest thing that  we will ever know. And as much  as I know that to be true, that short time I spent with her felt like an entire life time of its own.

[keraunoscopia]

18/365

I used to hope that if 

the theory of parallel 

universes

was true, that there

was a universe 

out there where you

still loved me. 

I don’t anymore, 

because I keep clinging

to the hope that you

still love me in this one.

[keraunoscopia]

17/365

If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have glanced over  My shoulder that last time, as I walked away, so I wouldn’t have that image of you leaving etched in my eyes forever.

[keraunoscopia]

16/365

Sometimes at night if I listen hard enough,  I can still hear you calling me back to bed, telling me that its late, and our blankets are warm and inviting. Sometimes if I close my  eyes I can still feel your hands running through my hair, your lips brushing my bare shoulder.  For a while, I thought I was losing my mind, because you’ve been gone, and I survived far longer than I expected. I wondered for the  longest time how you could linger so earnestly after everything you did. But now I know, that the person who left wasn’t the person I knew.  You left her behind too.

[keraunoscopia]

15/365

One.

Our heads were in the clouds

with some fanciful, childhood 

notion of what it meant to be 

in love. That kind of warmth that

settles in the pit of your stomach 

like hot chocolate. She taught me

what love could feel like even if it

didn’t last.

Two. 

We crashed into each other so 

impossibly that we lost ourselves.

From zero to warp speed faster

than I could say “I love you.” 

But she taught me how to be a 

pillar, an anchor for ships in strong 

winds. 

Three.

We were nothing more than

a perfect storm of alcohol and

loneliness, but she taught me

how to be the one to let go.

[keraunoscopia]

14/365

If I had thought my life would 

mirror a board game, chutes and

ladders would not have been

the one I expected. But still, 

some how I flicked the spinner

and ended up right back at the 

beginning.