So, to give clarrification to the last few days, I wanted to do a video on this, but I feel much better typing it out. It makes me write down my thoughts much cleaner.
So over the last day or so I have been getting random messages from people all over the Northeast Region of the U.S. for the most part I ignore them and delete the messages, but yesterday it got to me. Someone had the nerve to not only say that I am unattractive, ugly and black, but that if it wasn't for the looks of my partner I would be nothing.
Now most of the time, I would just ignore this and let it go, but after just being told negative things all week by these random people and it finally got to me.
To give y'all some background, I was an only child growing up. I wasn't like the other black kids in school, because I was smart and had goals that were not typical of the black culture living in Brockton, Massachusetts. I wanted to be a doctor or a vet, while others wanted to rappers and gangsters, have guns, deal drugs and kill people. I am not saying ALL of the kids were that way, but that's what most of them wanted to do. However, because I had these goals I was ostracized because they weren't typical "Black goals" and I was told I was too white or that I didn't belong.
Then because of being black, most of the white kids growing up didn't want anything to do with me unless I was being a punching bag for them.
Growing up I also had this scar down my stomach and for the longest time hid it away and avioding taking off my shirt and talking about it at all costs. I remember being made fun of because it was ugly and abnormal, just like my ideologies and skin color.
I was weird and different and every turn and corner of my life I was made fun of for it and now I'm tired of it. We always say don't listen to them, they don't know you, but as we think about in psycology, if something is told to you multiple times, you begin to believe it and sadly I am begining to.
This insulting me and making me feel less than because someone can is hurtful. I didn't choose to be black, I didn't choose to be gay, and I didn't choose to have this giant scar down my stomach. All these things about my appearance that I am ridiculed for are the thing I can't change and that is what hurts the most.
Just put yourselves in my shoes, think about it being ridiculed and out down for things that you could never change no matter how much you want to. Think about how you are being ridiculed and made fun of for things that you have no control over, and then over the course of your life time being insulted, ridiculed, put down, and hurt because you didn't have a choice.
Besides being pull over and killed, besides all the other things that make me feer for my life because I am African American, I have to deal with the blatent attacks on my physical being and being told that I am nothing or not good enough for my partner because I am black and he would probably be better of with someone who is white. I may feel this way sometimes, but its not a thought I would figure to get reinforced from the outside as well.
I just don't want to take anymore damage and blows to myself, and deleting those messages keeps me from reliving the trauma. No i won't put those people on blast, most of them are faceless anyway, and I'm not giving anymore energy to them by engaging. I am working on my own mental health and figure out what I can do to make myself fee better and what I can do to help and protect others who may be going through the same thing.
Heath asked me yesterday how do we resolve this, how can we fix it, and the sad thing is we can't, there is nothing I can do to change anyone's mind, there is nothing I can do to make poeple stop attacking me for the physical attributes I have. There is nothing I can do, and I don't want to run, I don't want to delete my apps, I don't want to hide, but I feel out of self preservation, I may have to hide my body because it is the ony thing that is betraying me and letting people attack me.
I'm going to try and have a better day today and hopefully positive energy follows me and flows into the weekend.
For anyone who wants to show that they experience is like being a PoC in the state of the world right now, feel free to share this and post this on your wall, or do whatever you want with it. I don't know if this will or can help anyone except to let them know they are not alone.
