"What would you like for your birthday?" they ask.
"I don't really know" I reply.
I honestly don't know. There are things I like, sure, but none of it really matters to me. Not deep down. The thing is, what I truly want is something that can't be bought. You can't buy someone people. Well, you can but it's generally frowned up and you can't pay somebody to like you. I'm not even sure it's a want, it's more of a yearning. A longing, I suppose. I just want a life and people, well -friends, to share it with.
I feel like I'm going to have to move away for that to happen and I don't even know where to go. There is nobody here for me anymore. There's my mum, my dad, my family and one other every now and then. The rest have all gone. They've abandoned me, or I them. I brought this on myself and now I have to deal with the feeling of emptiness. The closest I get to communication with the outside world is a quick hello from a stranger living in the same street, or the words needed to be said in order to process a purchase in a store.
I have one place where I go to on a daily basis and even then I feel invisible. There are days when I am content and I feel a part of things but for the most part I feel like an outsider. Laughing at jokes meant for other people and just longing for someone to talk to me in private, one-on-one, but they never do. There was one girl who was on a similar page to me but now she's gone too. People there assure me that I'm not a terrible person but they don't know me other than the person I put on display.
So when my family ask me what I'd like for my birthday I just shrug and say I don't know. I will probably show them my list on Pinterest of things that I like and a couple of things may get noticed but for the most part I will likely be given things that - at the end of the day - have no use to me. Unless they are going out and looking for people with similar interests and personalities to me, who are also in need of a friend, I very much doubt I will be able to sit back and be genuinely happy with what I'm given. Perhaps things will be brighter come that day but I honestly can't see that happening.
What I want is to be able to pick up the phone and ask someone if they want to go for a walk, if they want to meet up and see a movie. To be able to message them at any time of the day and have them reply to me. As silly as it sounds to have someone ask me how I am each day and how my day has been. Someone to share stories with and make plans with. To see bands with and to go on holidays or trips to places we have never been before. Someone to call up and ask if they want to go for lunch, or to be spontaneous with. To wake up one day without any plans and to go off and do something that very day without a care in the world. I want there be someone who I can turn to no matter where they are and live. To share experiences and create memories so when I look back on my twenties I can say "I did that."
I don't want to look back only to realise most of my experiences were experienced alone and have nobody to reminisce with. My memory is not great, yet I remember vividly having been, or gone, somewhere alone.
It's been three weeks since I last posted here and in those three weeks nothing particularly exciting has happened. Brilliant. So, why am I here again? I'm here because it feels like there is something I need to get off my chest and generally the best way for me to do that is blog. This is a little more difficult though, because I genuinely don't know where to start, what to include and exclude and it's also just after 1am and I wish I were in bed asleep right now.
As with the previous post, I have a Doctor's Appt tomorrow which is all well and good except for the fact I don't think I can open up to this Doctor as well as I have - and can - to others. There are a few Doctor's at the practice. One is a woman whom I dislike because of her manner, another is also a woman but she is quite softly spoken and for some reason that makes it awkward for me because I feel like I can't speak up. There's a semi-new partner but he's young and last time I went to him about this issue I kept going back feeling guilty because it felt like he wasn't really sure what to do with me and I just wasn't improving. There are a couple of temporary Doctor's - Locums I think they're called - and I haven't seen them as they're only there on a certain day or whatever. Then there's a Doctor who is the easiest of them all to open up to because he asks questions none of the others do, but he's also the one who knows I'm the daughter of one of the receptionists so there's always that awkwardness.
I liked being in Middlesbrough at a new practice for the very reason nobody there knew who I was. I would walk up to the reception and sign in, sit down and there wasn't a single face who knew me or I them. The Doctor's didn't know me either so it was a lot easier to ask about things, except with one Doctor who was quite cold.
So, what is troubling me? I really don't know how to start without being asked what's wrong. What's wrong? The main thing is I'm lonely. I like the company of family but when I feel like this they just irritate me so easliy all I can do is escape to the comfort and silence of my bedroom. I have nowhere to go, nobody to go nowhere with here. I have noone to go anywhere with at all. Not even a walk. I'm literally gagging to go up to Edinburgh but my sister is hesitant every time I bring it up and as much as I am able to go to the cinema myself the whole idea of coming out with that feeling of having watched something awesome to not have anyone to talk about it with? I don't want to have to feel that feeling, because it will feel like I do just now. I'd be surrounded by people there with friends, partners, their family. I'd be the one who would be pitied and I can't be pitied.
Gigs aren't so bad. At least the ones I've been to so far have been okay, except for the McFly one at the Arena in Newcastle.. and the one at Tynemouth.. and that one the day before my birthday.. and that Elliot Minor one.. but apart from that they've been okay. I mean, the shows themselves are great - I wouldn't miss them for anything, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling lonely and realising at the end of the day I am there alone. Going back to an empty hotel room, or in recent times going back to a room full of strangers, is a strange feeling. Sure, I feel a little more confident in the fact I'm even there but you can't get rid of the feeling you're there alone. The Tynemouth gig was the strangest by far I think. I was at a hostel which included breakfast so I went down for breakfast and sat on my own. The room was full of people staying in pairs, or groups. There was me, the only one by myself.
I always shrug it off and people tell me they wish they could do it. Thing is, you can do it. You could do it better than I can. I might be a lone sheep but it doesn't make me feel brilliant knowing that everyone else manages to have friends to do these sort of things with. People should have a group of friends, shouldn't they? So they're not always reliant on the one person because it's neither logical or fair to be so. I don't even know if they see these anymore but if you are reading, S, just know this is nothing against you and I really don't want to sound ungrateful or like this is a guilt trip because I genuinely do thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking around. You've no idea how grateful I am but you can only do so much as one person and I realise that. It's nobody's fault but my own.
It doesn't matter and nobody can say otherwise but it is my own fault for being like this. Why else would everyone else cut me off, tell me I'm a terrible friend or hate me? The same people who have a great group of friends. I just seem to be someone who is incapable of being a friend to anyone. Even at school I couldn't hold on to anyone, I knew one day I'd end up like this. I didn't want to end up alone but I didn't try hard enough not to. There's a long list of people I used to know and who I never knew if they classed me as a friend or not. I'm not even sure I even know what friendship is to me anymore. This is going back to school and obviously you don't stay in touch with everyone but at school there was Sam, Nichole, Louise, Lyanne sort of, Leigh, Lisa, Terri, Sinaed. I'm not really sure about Sam, Nichole and Louise but I know for a fact the others are all still friends. Maybe not in the same way they were back then but they keep in touch, hang out every now and then. Not only that, they have other friends aside from the others. Whether friends from college, university, their jobs, friends of partners... They have other people to turn to. I don't have anyone. Literally.
You can't really deny it when it's staring you in the face. Why else would the four people I ended up living with at University hate me too? Because everyone else hates me so why the hell not add four more to the list. It's been said before and it's true. It was always me they had a problem with, nobody else, so it must have been my fault. I was to blame for everything that happened and everything that they did was because I deserved it. I just wish I'd left in second year and gone to another University. I don't care where, I just wish I had left. Hindsight is a great thing to have and I guess my biggest regret is moving in with Liz, Tim and Katie to begin with. I can't even imagine how different things would be now if I'd gone it alone. I seem to manage perfectly fine on my own once I get passed the feelings I have right now. Maybe I'm just destined to spend all day inside away from people but that's probably not healthy. It's what I feel like doing though.
So, what am I going to say to the Doctor tomorrow? I asked about councilling and he said he's going to put a letter request through so that's something. I might not self-harm or feel suicidal but I'm allowed to speak to someone about things aren't I? The reason I'm going back is because I asked to start coming off the medication which might not be the best idea considering but hey, at least if this screws me up further I'll have a reason for it. It won't just be because I'm some crazy loner who nobody wants to know. This is stupid. It's helping a little but it's stupid.
You know what happened before? I cried. I cried because I was sitting in bed on my own, with a tab open and a chat room there infront of me with people talking about random things. I won't say the name of the site but it's basically a place to get things off your chest. You vent, someone listens and you can be a listener too if you want. There's also a forum and chatroom. The chatroom is where a lot of people spend their time. I'm practically in there every day, and i'm not alone. There are a few people from the UK, some from america, canada, mexico. Hell, even Dubai. Even China. Even Australia. Basically everywhere. I've used the site since March and increasingly so since June. Sometimes I go there and say little, sometimes I go there and talk a lot. I'd say I have friends there but I don't really know what friendship means anymore, or what it entails. There are people I care about though, and I know they probably don't give a toss about me but it's ok. It just upset me because I realised that this place was my only source of communication with other people. Through a computer screen.
How pathetic is that? I envy the people there too. Most of them have something else in their life. They go to school, or college/uni, or have jobs. They go out and they have other friends they hang out with. If I told them they were literally all I had they'd laugh at me. Tell me that it's someones loss if they don't want to be friends with me and it wouldn't make me feel any better because there's nothing they can do about it. Tell me that it's life and that once I find a job I'll find friends there. Track record doesn't really prove that though as I didn't really make "friends" with anyone at either place I worked. They were just coworkers. People I worked with, never socialised with. I just don't deserve to be friends with other people because I'll only screw it up. I'm probably going to mess up the last friendship I have at some point. I really hope I don't but going by everything that's happened lately it seems inevitable.
It's 1.15am and I want to be asleep. I want to be asleep so I can wake up early and finish off my report and get it as ready as it's ever going to be for submission before 4pm. Bloody hell I'm going to mess it up. I'm not asleep, in short, because I'm a frickin' girl. I don't have to say much more than that. Girls will know, guys can guess. I'm not able to go to bed to roll around in agony because I don't want to wake my sister up - so instead I've been lying along the sofa full of the amount of painkillers I'm allowed in one go and nothing is changing. Painkillers don't really have any effect on me anymore. On top of that it's also making me feel sick. So that's Issue #1.
You will never see me wearing shorts. Mainly because I don't like wearing shorts but a small part of me also doesn't wear shorts because I don't want to share my lower legs with the world. I haven't always been this bad. I let it get this bad. I'm practically a human lizard. Snake. Whatever. Why did I let it get this bad again? I don't know. It doesn't really bother me much and I watched a TV show about someone who suffers from Harlequin Ichthyosis. I saw that and thought to myself 'I don't have it bad, it's just scaly. It's not nice, but it's not life-threatening so I can live with it.' I think it's about time I do something about getting it under control. So that's Issue #2.
Related to Issue #2, my scalp has started getting bad again. It's horrible. I have dark hair so it's impossible to hide. I feel self-conscious going out with my hair tied up because I know it can be seen. I can't see it without a mirror but if someone is behind me - they can see it. It's red, but not painful. Naturally, with dark hair it's noticeable and as much as I wish it didn't bother me as much it does. I'm not really interested in styling it or anything but my teeth and my hair are one of the few things I'm happy about. That's Issue #2.5
My stabliser for the last two and a half years - good old citalopram. Granted it was never meant to be a long-term solution, but it was working. It changed my life. It gave me back confidence, it gave me a life. I could go on buses by myself. I could go on fairly long car journeys. I could go on trains. Last year I even went to London by coach by myself to spend an entire week with four strangers and meet various other people. I went to a McFly Meet & Greet by myself. I went to a McFly show the night before my birthday myself. I went to see Elliot Minor by myself. 2010 was the year that brought me to life. It is still working. I haven't thrown up before going somewhere or being somewhere since. I have began feeling nervous again. At first it was amazing, I was feeling nervous like the next person feels nervous. It was normal. These days I'm beginning to feel nervous with a very faint hint of the past - I don't feel sick but another old symptom has began creeping up, very faintly may I add. I need to address this and see about coming off them and getting councilling, or some form of help other than drugs. That's Issue #3.
I'm medically, clinically, physically - whatever word you wish to use - obese. My BMI is around about the 32 mark. I'm about 20kg away, 3st, from being a healthy weight apparently. I'm not too bothered about that, but I would like to go back half-way. I was that weight this time last year. I was happy. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I want to be that. That's Issue #4.
I was hoping by the time I finished this my body would have calmed the hell down. It hasn't. I'm still in pain.. It's early in the morning and I should probably give up and go to bed. It's either stay here sweltering, or go to bed sweltering and bite the cushion to stop myself from sighing in pain. Lucky me.
I won't say as much as it takes a little longer to say everything I have to say on my iPod than if I were typing on a keyboard. Basically. I need help. I'm avoiding my project again and I really don't know why. I'm just so stupid as I should have it almost done now. I really hate myself for it and the more I hate myself the less I feel like sitting down to it. I just want to escape it all and I will. I bloody will. Please, just someone help me find a way to do this. I know I've failed. I just want to piece together something that might just be ok. I know it won't get a good mark because no matter how hard I try stripping down to basics I just can't do it. I honestly, genuinely can't. It's something I can't describe but the thought of using this program fills me with dread, it's ridiculous. The report is fine, but I can't really move on to testing without anything to test. Evaluation should be alright as I can talk about all the difficulties etc. There are plenty of those. This is just a rant really, but I hope someone sees this and can help. Maybe not. I don't know. All I know is I've let myself down, chosen the wrong path and feel like I should have been guided better in the early days and maybe now I wouldn't be in this stupid, stupid mess :(
Ok, this is a ridiculously cringeworthy post because HELLO. I AM NOT INTERESTED. Not really. I guess I have a little bit of a human curiousity that makes me feel like I'm allowed some sort of opinion on things I'm not bothered about. Weird.
Anyway. It's always been something that puzzles me - the amount of people that were in my year at High School... or above/below... that date. That go out together. It just baffles me. I just want to shout at them NO, DON'T DO THAT. GO AWAY. Not because I want in, but because I just think they're better than that and I can't comprehend why they want to be with that person. I've left school behind, and pretty much everyone in it. The idea of DATING someone from school? It's alien to me! Fair enough, when we were actuallyatschool. It's been four years. GO LIVE AND SEE THE WORLD.
I don't know. Move city. Go out with some person you met there, through your job or your new friends... just... UGH. It puzzles me and then baffles me more as to why I find it alien. There are a few people I've found out about that are together, from school, and it's like... seriously? Really? You're doing that? Ok. I don't know. I know it will work for some people. I just can't understand it. Someone explain it to me?
Not that I'm really all that bothered, it's just when I find out about it it's really weird. Especially the latest development. I just... no. Just no! Not to mention this is probably what my brain wants to focus on instead of what's really going on in my life atm.
I feel a little sad that this blog has sort of ended up as a place to rant and get things off my chest. This will be post #3810 and it's weird to think back that I first created this account on May 28th 2009. That's almost three years ago. That isn't long, though it feels like I've been here much longer. It's quite funny that I said this in my first official HELLO TUMBLR-type post:
"I probably won’t even keep up with this for too long, but I’m here for now and for that - you’ll have me!"
Three years later and I'm still keeping up with it! Weird.
I remember I tried using wordpress at some point and decided I didn't like it. And Blogger. Myspace/Bebo used to be the two places that I posted on when I was still at school so they kinda hold all my teenage angsty hilarious posts. I've been using tumblr really since I started at University which is pretty weird. Back then it wasn't all that popular and now it's what everyone uses. This blog still has a lot of posts of me complaining and that though. Will be interesting to read back one them one day and see how silly it all was. Genuinely wish I could transfer this blog to my new one though, or even import my myspace posts here. I might just do a copy and paste job at some point.
As frustrating as it is, and as much as I really, really don't want to lose another friend I also really don't know what else I can do.
Carrying on from the previous post, the next again day I received a text from them to say sorry about yesterday but they were annoyed as I was wasting their time etc (which granted is true) and if I was doing anything on their birthday. I sent them a message back to say thanks for the apology (I was grateful as it seemed as though they understood why I got a little bit weird) and went on to answer their question and said that I have no plans (I haven't had those in a long time!) but I still have a lot of work to do (not kidding) so I'd probably be up for coming up during the day but that I'd prefer not to stay over as I'd like to be up early on Friday to continue working.
Now at that point I was willing to go up there, since it is their birthday afterall, but then came the most infuriating of words - "well you wont say sorry so someone has to."
Well you won't say sorry so someone has to?!
Really? You think that's a good way to start?
I know I'm probably over-reacting and taking this way too personally, but personally that annoyed the hell out of me. As if to say she only apologised because she felt she had to? She didn't have to, I wasn't even expecting an apology and I would've eventually got around to the way of thinking maybe I should apologise for wasting her time. At the time I wasn't really thinking about anyone else, I was just sort of a bit deflated and sad, and just wanted to forget about it.
I just don't know. I know it's my fault because everyone else manages to get along and sort out their differences, but I just keep getting agitated every time we chat and sometimes feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. It's just stupid little remarks or statements like the aforementioned that really bug me. I didn't feel great about not meeting up already, but I was the one who text her that day to ask when she was free and I could've just not bothered. I didn't even know she was coming back to Eyemouth and found out from her Facebook status. I would've thought for someone who's always whining about how we haven't met up in ages that they'd let me know they're going to be down and if I wanted to meet up to get in touch. No? Just me? Ok.
I don't think I understand human beings these days. I remember last year my unofficial resolution was to rid my life of drama and last year was one of the best years yet. The official resolution was to do something I've never have thought of doing before and I did that too by going to London by myself and that ended up being the best week ever, AND I met McFly last summer. This year has been a bit of a bummer so far in comparison (in that in five months next to nothing good has happened) but hopefully it'll start turning around pretty soon.
I'm just debating whether or not I should start to care less about this friendship, because it's not good for me to be worrying over stupid little things. I shouldn't be made to feel obliged to hang out and guilty if we don't, and I don't think it's fair that it's always me in the wrong and me that's the cause of it. As I said in my last post, when I was in second year I did go up to Edinburgh - granted it was for McFly - but I did stay over at hers, and I saw her flat etc. I was there for her birthday. Even if I only went up the once and it was for dual-reason, it's still being there, right? I don't know. I just know it's a 3 hour train journey that would cost around £30, maybe more (it costs £24 just to get home to Berwick!), and this has been my final year of University so I really didn't have time to waste.
I missed two days for Hanson, and one day for McFly.. that was pretty much it! Didn't even go home for Easter. Worked the whole way through, and it hasn't been easy. I've had issues with housesharers to deal with at the same time as my anxiety flaring up with the stress of the workload. I don't really broadcast it because it's not really anybody else's business - and that's another thing. I get made to feel guilty about not talking to them about things and it doesn't seem to matter how many times I explain that I just don't like talking to people about personal issues, and prefer to come here and post about it, they don't seem to get it. I don't come from a family who talk about their feelings or their worries, I didn't really form that "best friend" friendship with anybody at school and generally kept myself to myself when I had troubles.
But that was fine. That was my way of dealing with things, and it made me stronger and I think held me in good stead for later on when I'd have to deal with other things. I could hark on and on about how I practically cried myself to sleep next to every night in Primary School and how that carried on a good few years into High School - for various reasons (generally with bullying, grief, anxiety.. that sort of thing) but it's nobody else's business unless I want it to be! Okay, so I've just said so there.. sort of contradicted myself. Hm. Basically what I'm trying to get as is that I deal with things on my own, in general, and would rather they respect that instead of trying to make me feel I should talk to them.
Tangent aside! Sort of went on a trip down memory lane there, sorry. Basically, I think what I'm trying to get at is that I'm annoyed. Annoyed because I want so much to be able to fix things but I don't know how I can when they continue to say things like that. It's frustrating personally, because while I'm an introvert and enjoy my own company I also enjoy one-to-one time with people (when I say people I actually only mean two people because I only have two friends I still hang out with) because it doesn't tire me out. At the same time I have this longing to feel like I fit in with a group and it doesn't matter where I am or where I go I never seem to get that feeling. I didn't feel like that in the old gang from school, and I never felt like I was quite right at University. I didn't even fit in at dancing classes.
I actually envy Terri (and a number of other people actually). She has an abundance of friends and aquaintances. She still talks to our group of friends from school, she made new friends at college, probably some more at Uni, made friends with people from work, with friends of friends... She goes out and socialises, makes memories with these people. Like. People. Do.
Me? I can take you through the list if you like. Lyanne is perfectly fine but I don't think we've ever really hung out together as friends, except maybe that one time I went up after work that one time before the bus came, but we chat on Facebook every now and then and if I'm ever up in Edinburgh I'd probably, hopefully, maybe meet up with her and idk who else. Lisa just sort of did what I did to Leigh I suppose, except pretty much told me we'd never really been friends anyway. Leigh.. well.. I was responsible for that but that's fine, I had my reasons at the time. That left me with Terri and Sinaed. Terri.. well.. I've said how that is turning out and that leaves Sinaed - I seriously don't know how she hasn't shrugged me off yet either! (On the off-chance you're reading this... oh god I'm so sorry for rambling and writing so much!!! But I really do value your friendship, don't know how you put up with me, lol) That leaves Uni... as I said I don't really socialise and I spoke to the people I mentioned in the previous post but never actually socialised so it goes without saying I doubt any life-long friendships were formed there, other than perhaps Tim, though knowing my luck I'll probably end up messing that one up too.
I think I went on another tangent there, oops. I guess I have other things on my mind or I'm thinking about the bigger picture. I don't really want to lose another friend but at the same time I don't want to feel bad all the time and feel like I'm obligated to do things because I have to.
In four days the season finale of Glee will be airing and it's the Graduation for many of the students. I know I'm going to be bawling my eyes out, not only because it marks the end of an era but because it's reminding me of my time at high school. I've watched this show from the very beginning and I love it, even though it makes me wish that my time at school had been half as cool as on that show. I know, I know, it's just a TV show and it's generally not always as real-to-life as it could be but part of it is.
Now I didn't know there was a term for it, but one of the cast members just tweeted about the Glee Yearbook superlatives and that they will "take that Best Dressed tyvm!" - so I imagine that's the term for that list of random things like 'Most likely to...' and 'Best Dressed' and so on. I would rather have been left out of the yearbook if I'd had my way, you know what I got put down as? Worst Hairstyle (girls). High School pretty much ended as it had started, by being ridiculed for the way I looked.
Now admittedly yes, if you had to judge all of the girls on who had the worst hairstyle I would win, but that doesn't mean I want it to be noted down in ink that people will look back on and remember 'Oh yeah, she was the one with the terrible hair' or 'Haha, remember her? Her hair was awful!'.. You know the worst part of it? None of my friends warned me. They knew about it but they all kept hush. I knew there was something along those lines planned for going in the yearbook, but I wasn't really interested and didn't have anything to do with it - that was up to the committee (who, surprise, surprise, were the popular kids.)
I suppose they thought it was just harmless and a bit of fun but I'd bet my life on it if it were there name down there they would not be happy about it. They wouldn't joke about it, but they were happy to let everyone joke about me. Nobody apologised to me, nobody asked me if I was okay having my name put in for it.. even if it was just a joke it didn't - and doesn't - make me feel too great. It still upsets me to look at that book four years on, which is pathetic really, so I choose not to. I don't want to remember what people thought of me.
I know why my name was put down. I generally always had my hair tied up, it was long, it was generally wavy and I just let it do whatever it liked. I didn't blow-dry it, I didn't use hair-straighteners or any product. Just shampoo. I didn't care if it made me look weird or funny, didn't really give a toss but it seems people around me thought it was okay to judge me for it. Needless to say I never gave those people the time of day. I don't know if my friends ever said anything about it when I wasn't around but they were kind enough not to let it stop us being seen together so I can only assume they didn't care, which is awesome of them. Sure, there was one time (I think it was fifth year) they came to my house one lunch time and I let them straighten my hair (not sure why I did) and when we walked into class (think it was I.T?) needless to say a few people (mostly girls) commented on how much better it looked or how long my hair was. Yes, my hair was long, big woop.
Now... four years later pretty much... not a lot has changed. I've put on weight (thanks to the student lifestyle!) but my hair is practically the same. I tie it up, or I just leave it down to do it's own thing... I used to braid/plait it but I only usually did/do that if I'm feeling happy and confident about myself that day. I haven't felt that way in a while, mainly because of the weight gain and I'd rather hide away. I will be doing something about that though, and I've lost weight before, so hopefully I'll get back to being happy in my own skin at some point this year. It's a battle though, especially as I'm only doing it for my own well-being and not for anybody else. It means if I don't do something about it then I only have myself to let down.
Anyway. This hasn't really been a very cheery post now, has it? Basically... that one tweet reminded me of all of this. At least now I vaguely remember High School and only remember things when memories are triggered. All I know is that even though I tried not to let it get me down it did - it always sucks to be judged for how you look in comparison to others and I am still a little bitter about it. I believe in karma though, and hopefully one day those responsible for it have a hard time over something in return for how they made me feel.
I'll be honest here, upfront, about the fact I'm not the easiest person to form a friendship with. I'm not even sure how I formed any at all. Generally, since High School, the majority of my friendships have been formed by knowing someone on my course, or through meeting them, adding them to Facebook and chatting on there. I can name all of the people I would consider friends - of sorts, and I say of sorts because they're not people I have socialised with outside of University but they're people with whom I share common interests, have confided with, talk with every now and then, and I generally don't socialise much at all so really - to me - friendships sort of are just that in most cases. Sounds a little pathetic, right?
So there are names of people but we're not exactly the type of friends you know things about, I guess they're more just people that I know when you think about it. We say 'Happy Birthday' when Facebook tells us it's each other's birthday and if we post status updates we comment on them and have a bit of banter/joke around, and generally just use FB chat - although that generally only involves talking to four of them. There's Adam, Alex, James, Jonathan, Martyn, Ross and Timothy. That's it.
In first year I generally spoke to Adam a fair bit, we'd talk in class and sit in lectures and talk about the course on Facebook and then that was about it - in second year I generally spent most of the time sitting on my own or with James and his two friends Saxby and Jamie. I say Alex but I didn't even know he existed until placement year when him and James worked together and somehow I ended up adding him because we'd be in the same sort of classes in Final Year so I figured it'd be good to have another body to chat to. He's pretty similar to James SOH-wise and I don't really know much about him but he's one of those people who I will likely cease talking to because.. well, University is over and it's not as though we'll ever meet up or anything.
James is sort of the only one I've known since first year, and generally get on quite well, though I only ever "socialised" outside of Uni once in first year with him, Saxby and Grace. Awkward. Baring in mind I was still a timid little freak in first year and I almost didn't even make it that one time. Again, will probably fizzle out at some point as University is over and we'll just sort of lose touch. As for Jonathan and Martyn, we'd natter every now and then on Facebook but rarely spoke in person (again, me being the complete tool that I am was a bit nervous speaking face to face) but we have vaguely similar interests (Doctor Who etc) and that's generally the topic of conversation.
Ross was another person I only really talked to in First Year and then he went off down south and studies whatever it is he's studying, in somewhere I'm actually quite jealous of (Bath). I haven't been there but I've seen plenty of photos and know that it's a pretty place, compared to Middlesbrough which is just all smoggy and well... it's not terrible, but I come from a pretty town by the sea so I kind of adore pretty places! Anyway, that was pretty much a 'talk once in a full moon' sort of .. ship. I don't think I'd call any of the above (bar James I suppose) a friendship. Is aquaintance the correct word? I don't really know. Haven't spoken in a very long time (considering I can't even remember the last conversation) and that was that really.
I have done this alphabetically (I think!) and so obviously Tim comes last. Obviously only certain people know, but somehow - as if by magic - we're still talking after almost 4 years, have managed to put up with each other while living under the same roof for around 3 (I say almost because Uni is generally 7-8 months) and somehow I can't seem to get rid of him! Not that I want to, mind you. I wasn't really expecting to form this sort of bond with anyone, but it's nice to be able to say (and I hope this still stands true) we're really, really, really good friends and I hope we always will be, no matter what happens in the future. I love having him in my life, even if we don't always agree on things or have little arguments over the smallest of things. I'm pretty sure if he wasn't around I would've gone a bit crazy (or crazier) at University and most definitely have been lonely. Can't thank him enough really for taking the time to actually get to know me and understand that I'm not exactly the most normal person in the world and that I do have flaws, but he seems to accept them and that's all I ever really want from people.
Now this has turned from what was supposed to be a rant about why people generally suck because -at the time - I was feeling a little annoyed over someone, but having slept on it I've decided it's not worth my time bothering about it. It happened. The basis of it was a friend was back in town, for however long I don't know, and had mentioned they'd be free from around 1-7pm yesterday so I text around lunchtime to see if that was the case. It was, and I was told they were free from around 2pm or around 4pm.. I figured that was great because I could reschedule my work to fit in an hour or so to meet up.
Then came the realisation that when she said she was taking her dog for a walk down the river, and that she could meet me at the bottom of the hill it wouldn't just be me and her, but her dog Bailey as well. Now, I know this probably sounds stupid, but when I realised that I just couldn't do it. It instantly reminded me of Lynn and I didn't feel up to being around another dog just yet, let alone with it being taken for a walk in the last place I walked mine. I know it's near a month since Lynn had to be put down, and three weeks since I found out, but it's still quite raw. After shedding a few tears I finally text her back and said I'd have to give it a miss, sorry, and said I didn't feel like being around another dog just yet. I didn't want to mess up her plans so said we could meet up later instead after she'd taken him for a walk, but I think it was misunderstood as 'later' meaning another day. What I meant to say was that she could take him out then as planned but then I'd meet her afterwards.
The reply I got was probably a response anyone would give but at the time I didn't really feel that it was all that inviting. "Well not really, I either see you now or not for ages once again...I won't be back in Eyemouth for a long time and a miracle if you came to Edinburgh x" (there was a bit about her having the car and could go to Millbank but I left that part out... though now I've just said what she said I may as well have left it in! Oh well) I just got the wrong impression I suppose. I didn't really feel as if they wanted to meet up but more out of duty if that makes sense?
I can't really apologise for not having been up to Edinburgh... I haven't even seen my brother since Christmas for crying out loud and that's five months. I haven't seen my sister for almost a year (though it was such a flying visit it feels more like the two) but I don't see either of them whining about it. We're family.. and we probably should see each other more often but that's life. People live theirs and then meet up, chat online, whatever. To me my family is important (and small!) but when I was at University I wouldn't have seen my parents either if I hadn't come up for my Birthday, or them at Easter. We both travelled for those sort of occasions, made that effort. I saw them more in first and second year but then I had a lot more time on my hands - this year I was basically just work, work, work.
I didn't even socialise with people at University, I spent my nights doing work or chilling out watching TV when I could. My final year was really, really important and I still ran into bother. I managed to get all my work down for four modules, and I ended up struggling with my project because I lost all self-belief. It's hard to pick yourself out of that and try to get focussed again but that's why I'm home. Away from the crazy housemates and somewhere I feel much more focused because I don't have to worry about anything other than my work. I only have two more week of this left and I'm determined not to let anything, or anyone, stand in my way.
Hell, I can't even afford to stop and think about Lynn for a second because when I do I get emotional, which I think is understandable. I know that if I let myself do that I won't be able to concentrate and I can't let that happen. I haven't really grieved properly yet which is why it's still raw. I know that I need to take a walk down by the river at some point, but not yet.. and definitely not with anyone else. Even saying this is making me feel like crying so I'll stop. I need to get dressed, wash up dishes, make myself some dinner then get on with more work. I have a lot more to do than anyone really knows and the last thing I need is to over-think and over-analyse something which probably wasn't meant to come across the way it did.
Sometimes I love the internet, sometimes I hate Yahoo! Answers. Basically... I know this sounds crazy and I want to clarify that I don'tthink I have Autism but it's what came up on auto google when I typed "can't see the point in certain things" so I just went with it. The first thing that came up was THIS so I clicked on it and read away. Freaky. As. Heck. I know people vary and I'm obviously not identical to this person but it genuinely alarmed me to read some of this. I've bolded things that were particular truthful, albeit some of it a little weird.
People think I'm rude and have autism because I can't hug or bother to have conversations with them?
I hate hugging. I tell people beforehand not to hug me and they think it's weird. whenever someone hugs me I cringe and my senses just explode it's very uncomfortable I won't even let my own family touch me. Sometimes my sister will be playful and poke me or give me a massage and I have to quickly push her off of me because I cannot let anyone touch me I cringe and get uncomfortable. when I had a boyfriend this was one major problem cuddling was uncomfortable too..
Some people.. well most people will call me autistic or ask if I am.
At first I would not listen to these remarks, but now I get them a lot. "Are you autistic?" because I don't really like to be around people, or that I am too blunt, too honest and "intellectual" or that I don't have "empathy" (I actually do, I just disperse it appropriately and at most common times, I do not do it because I feel that it stands in the way of intellectual productivity) I also get called autistic because I am very sensitive to certain things.. like loud noises, chewing (everyone else isn't disturbed by it) but I really am, I get so bothered that I have to leave the room when anyone chooses loudly, when I hear someone chewing crunchy food, it rattles me, when someone hacks spit up, I cringe, the sensation of certain fabrics drives me crazy, or that despite having sex, I prefer not to because I don't really think it's as great as people claim no offense to anyone here. this guy that had a crush on me told me his friend went missing in a river and I said "She's most likely not alive."in a calm tone and he got so upset and asked me why I'm being rude. I sat there very confused... All
my life I've tried hard to fit in. And even when I was successful socially it was still hard because I never fit in because I never understood social rules quite right, always had to ask questions and that too would piss people off. I didn't understand why people would bond by telling each other personal stuff.
I especially get called autistic in debates. Or when someone says something and I correct them and inform them about things that I personally think they should know, not to one-up them either. For example, my best friend told me she "lost weight' a few nights ago, at a small get together. I asked what it was she did. She told everyone, "I don't eat carbs. I just eat fruits, vegetables." I chimed in thinking it was innocent and told her 'Well, that doesn't make sense. You say you didn't eat carbs." She said "I didn't. I still don't." And I said, "That doesn't make sense. You eat carbs. You are eating them right now (she was munching on potatoes and strawberries)" She said "No i dont eat carbs" I said "Potato is a carb, Fruits contain carbs. I think you meant to say that you do not consume complex carbs? There are two different types of carbs, simple and complex. Good, and bad. Sugar is a complex bad carb, potato chips, white foods are complex carbs that are of no benefit to you. Simple carbs that are contained in fruits are good carbs. So you do eat carbs." She told me I was being a ***** and that I act like her autistic brother. I only told her that because she was confusing people and misinforming them.. I really wasn't trying to be rude.
People tell me that "you have aspergers." all the time or make fun of me, some guys will say "Hey aspie!" I have little to no interest in socializing with others.. I can socialize but I really don't see the point. At work, I don't socialize, I do anything to not allow people to speak to me this includes working away from people.. building relationships has never been that easy for me. I've been in relationships and it wasn't easy.. I didn't understand specific social things like hugging and kissing, I preferred not to do it, things like sex.. I just did it because he liked it, it bored me and didn't interest me. I sometimes really want to talk to guys that I find attractive.. There are moments when I get this burst of overconfidence and it does happen.
I go to a therapist and she has asked me if I've ever been diagnosed with aspergers.. I don't know about that. Because I don't like to socialize she thinks that is a possibility. I don't understand why it's rude if I go to work and just walk by people and not say hello or greet them she tells me it's a little rude and I don't understand how or why it is, that I'm minding my business/have no interest in speaking to people who I work with, but if they do talk to make I'll make a little effort to have a convo but make it short and brief. Or that I have a hard time showing empathy to others and that I only understand things on a intellectual level
People just make fun of me and call me autistic. Now I honestly feel like I&#
And that's when it cuts off. Now... I could sit here forever explaining things the way I see them but I just sat there thinking 'That's...almost me.' Slight difference being I don't mind the idea of socialising so much but when I'm actually around a group of others I just instantly feel uncomfortable, and it tires/bores me after a while for no reason. It's not that the company sucks, just somehow end up feeling like I want to be alone. Much better one on one and it's less tiring and easier to manage. Now... If I say that to anyone they'll get offended, but it's nothing against them.
As for hugs.. I've managed to become comfortable with one person hugging me and even that feels weird sometimes. If I haven't seen them in a while it's like I revert back to my old self and have to get used to it again. A slight difference in the family side is that I don't really come from a very touchy-feely family, we've never really done the whole hug/comfort thing. Which sounds weird, and it's not an excuse or anything but I think it's partially why because it's just always been awkward. I remember the first time my mum hugged me before they went away on holiday for 2 weeks... That was a mind-blown moment, I was just like 'Wait... what just happened?' it was the most awkward hug ever. Why does it feel awkward? Why don't I understand the niceness of hugs? We had goodbye hugs after Hanson 5of5 and I managed that but it was like 'Really...I have to hug you... ok....ok' and then they were gone. Gosh, that was a weird day.
Anyway, moving on. On the subject of more than hugs... y'know... Yes. That. I don't consider myself anything... not straight, not gay, not bi. None, nada, nil. Say that to people and they think you're crazy so I generally just never say and I suppose people just assume you're straight. It's strange and I don't really understand how I think about it so I don't expect anyone else to know. As far as I'm concerned if it happens then it happens, but as people who were friends with me at school I practically swore I'd never be into the whole relationship thing. I'm certainly not into the idea of marriage or having kids - that I DO understand. I think. It's not uncommon.
It is true, as a ridiculous human being with a longing to fit in, I sort of yearned for acceptance and never really felt like I ever got it. In school I was pretty much a recluse and only spoke to a select few (and only two of those people still talk to me so that's sort of an indication how much I suck at these things) and I knew people didn't like me. Sort of explains the bullying in primary school and the teasing in High School. Seriously, who still teases someone when they're in 5th year (15/16yrs old)? So annoying. Hated my time there, so many humiliating moments I'm glad I've tucked away.
I don't know if I've been told I'm blunt or too honest in those words but I know there are times I say things that are harsh. To me I said things that were true but probably didn't phrase it right. I don't like arguments or conflict and generally get wound up and say things that are too much. Sometimes end up insulting someone without even realising. Probably the reason why my housemates hate me.
Oh god, as for making conversation with people at work. I remember that and I'd just sort of end up babbling and making things up to keep it going, so awkward. I'm also with them in that I don't think it's rude not to say hello in the passing but I suppose it is. As for social rules... I don't know if anyone has ever picked up on that, I always feel like I hold back because I don't want to do something stupid, and in groups I almost always wait until someone does something so I can follow suit. I know that sounds ridiculous but I know I do it..
So yeah. I'm a little creeped out at how much I can relate to this person and the situations they find themselves in.
As if I don't have enough to feel guilty about, I feel like I'm not acting the way I should. When Beano died I was mess, when Tigger disappeared I was a mess.. Lynn has gone now too and I'm not as much of a mess. I get upset when I think about her but I'm trying so hard to contain it because I really, really need to do my work. Just feels like I'm betraying her for not acting in the same way. Not sure whether it's because I'm older and I deal with things differently now I'm on medication (it sort of numbs feelings sometimes) or if it's because she was different to Beano and Tigger. With them I saw them every single day, Tigger was in the house and I'd visit Beano in the garden but Lynn wasn't technically mine and lived with my Uncle. There were times we looked after her for a week, couple of weeks, weekends, a few times even into months but sadly she wasn't there every day. Is that why I'm coping better? Because it hasn't been a change in living arrangements... I just won't be able to see her or visit or walk her.. It feels like I can deal with it because she wasn't ever here every day so the pain of not seeing her every day isn't there? Maybe it's a mix of all of those things... But I do miss her. I was looking forward to seeing her when I got back, I just wish I'd come back sooner like I'd originally decided. Fricking hate myself for that. Still would've been a shock but at least I would have seen her :(
feel a bit ew not brushing my teeth before bed but bed is so comfy and i cba and this is life. bit awkward when you can't even bring yourself to make the effort for personal hygiene. whatever. brushed twice today anyway and now my eyes are like x_x and nobody really wants to hear this. just know i ate a mars bar and it was good.
You know what's not cool? Expecting me to have done any amount of work tonight when you gave me the worst news earlier today. I know more than anybody how freaking hard I need to work and yes, that's why I'm here but I'm sorry... Finding out that my dog had to be put down earlier this week isn't exactly something that I expected to hear nor wanted to. I say my dog, but for anyone reading this she belonged to my grandparents who sadly are no longer with us and so my Uncle took to looking after her. Even though she was my grandparents dog and then my uncle's I still very much loved her and thought of her as my own dog.
I used to go for walks with her and my Grandad all the time when I was younger and I wish there could have been many, many more years of that but unfortunately cancer stole him from us in 2003. After that, my Granny did her best and my uncle would walk Lynn for her and occasionally I'd walk her too, and my dad. Then when my Granny died unexpectedly in 2006 my uncle came to look after her full time, though as this point he was still going out fishing so we'd often help out and look after her while he was gone. There were periods when he relapsed into alcoholism and we had no other choice but to take her in and keep her with us.
There were times when my parents were away and so it'd be left to me to look after her. To walk her, play with her, talk to her, feed her. Every night I'd watch as she'd settle into her bed and before I went upstairs I'd crouch beside her and say goodnight. There was a time when we almost lost her because my uncle got in such a bad way he wasn't looking after her. Luckily we got to her in time and managed to get her back to good health, but all of those times I loved and cared for her. After Tigger disappeared she was the only pet I had left and she became even more special than ever before.
She was also the dog I grew up with. Before my grandparents got her they had a dog called Cap, who was awesome and I remember fondly of the walks me and my Grandad would go on with him. Sadly he was an old dog and died when I was quite young. I think I would've been possibly 10 or 11. I'm not sure.
I also felt like we had a lot in common. When I first met her she was a cowering wreck, so afraid that I would hurt her and the only thing that I could do was give it time. In time she grew to trust me and it was such an amazing feeling seeing how she'd transformed. As someone who was (is) shy and suffers from social anxiety it almost felt like we were very similar. She was terrified of strangers and I found it hard talking to strangers, and even people I knew. She didn't bark, she was quiet like me. She was more than a little addicted to playing with a ball and I'll always remember all the times we played together.
Seriously, I don't swear but right now if I did then I would be. I just can't seem to find the right words to explain how I feel. I'm angry and frustrated, and guilty and just hate myself for not being here last weekend. I phoned home and was planning on coming back home but I decided not to because I had to go to York on Tuesday and thought it wouldn't make sense to go home Sunday only to have to travel on Tuesday. How I freaking wish I'd just gone. Just ignored how stupid it was to go back up and come down. My uncle knew I was planning on coming home and thought I'd be back last weekend so he brought her up last Sunday so Lynn could see me. I wasn't there. My last chance to see her and I wasn't there.
I just feel horrible. I genuinely don't know how I'll ever forgive myself for not having gone home. He told her that she'd have to wait til next weekend to see me. She didn't have til next weekend. Next weekend is now.
We were driving home and my mum just sort of told me. I was in the car and all I wanted to do was cry. I cried, but at some point I had to stop. I just don't know where this is all going to end. I know I'll feel differently tomorrow but it still doesn't change what's happened and how I feel. I feel angry at my mum for saying what she did. Things happen, you just have to get on with it. Well I'm sorry. I'm not very good dealing with deaths and this news just completely threw me. Didn't expect it and it sucks because I don't know what to do or who to tell and ask.
I have my project to do but I can't believe my mum expected me to have done any today since I got back. I can't just cry and forget about it, it upsets me. To think I'll never see her again, never go on a walk with her again... never wind her up by making cat noises again. It just freaking hurts. This is grieving, right? I'm allowed to grieve.. I've just lost one of the most important of things in my life. I still struggle to deal with the fact Tigger is gone and now this. I just don't know how I'm going to get through it and just feel so alone. I don't want someone to make jokes and say stupid insensitive things. I just want to be left alone to miss her and to be upset. I'm allowed to be upset.
You know what else sucks? I'm sick with worry about my Uncle now and I'm going to have to talk to my mum tomorrow morning. I just need to know he's ok. Lynn was all he really had and now she's gone. I feel lonely but I can't imagine how empty that house must feel right now. I feel like I want to visit but I don't know if I'm strong enough to or whether I should.
From what I was told she wasn't very well last Monday so my uncle took her to the vets where she was given an injection and sent home. That night she had got worse and things were so bad he had to phone the vet during the night. I don't know when she was put to sleep but I just know it was last Monday night / early Tuesday. My mum and dad mentioned that they thought she might've had a stroke as she couldn't walk and my uncle had to carry her to the vets. They found a tumour, but they didn't know where... it was either liver/kidneys or something. She wasn't in a good way. I just wish I'd been called.. I would've been there in a flash.
There are so many questions I want to ask but i'm afraid to ask them or to hear the answers. I want to make sure my uncle is ok, i want to know he was with her when she was put to sleep, i just want to know why I wasn't told earlier. I know it wouldn't have changed things but I hate that I was kept in the dark. I don't know what happened to her.. whether she's lying somewhere or if they took her to be cremated. If she was cremated then I wonder what happened with her and honestly wish that if that is what happened if she was given back to my Uncle and I know this sounds stupid but i would hope buried next to my grandparents where she belongs. I just can't deal with this. I dont' want to know the answers but it's just so sudden and nothing seems final.
I just want to close my eyes and wake up for this all to be over. I just want her to be alive and come visit me or me visit her. I just don't know what to do with myself and I don't know who to turn to. You know what else sucks? If Lynn had been a human being.. a person.. it wouldn't be like this. My mum would be understanding and not act as if it's something I should be able to deal with and get over with in the same day I get the news. I'd contact University and explain and they'd understand and most likely grant mitigating circumstances with it being a death in the family. This is a death in the family but to anyone on the outside Lynn was just a dog. She wasn't just a dog to me, she was my dog and I loved her. I love her, and I'll miss her so, so much. This hurts just as much as it would if it were a person who had died but that doesn't matter to anybody. I'm just going to be expected to carry on and cry in private.
I can't say how I'll cope or if I'll cope at all. I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow. I might somehow muster up the strength to battle through it and focus on my work, but what if I can't? Then what do I do?
First off this post won't be interesting to anyone at all and it's just a way for me to clear my head and try and take my mind off things by typing about them. It might work? Never know. Not sure if this is karma or just a general health issue type thing. Basically, I woke up around 3am and had the worst abdominal pains. Not really sure what the cause is/was/whatever but as someone who doesn't liek the sight of blood it always unsettles me to see it and I automatically think OH GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME when it's probably just nothing. I'll see how I feel as the day progresses and I'm sure it's just a one-off but still. It's a little unnerving, and I'm not in a great deal of agony anymore just discomfort. Feel quite weak as well and that probably means I should have a drink of water but I don't really feel like moving much. Kind of just trying to lie in a position that isn't uncomfortable. I'm wide awake now though and I don't know if I'll get back to sleep any time soon. Obviously me being online isn't helping but I wanted to check symptoms and things like the paranoid loon that I am. I guess it's not that paranoid to worry when you see blood that shouldn't be though so yeah. Not the best way to start the day, but I think I have to stick with it and hope for the best. I'm just grateful it's only discomfort now and that the pain is over and behind me. Seriously wondering if it was food poisoning but then I wouldn't be able to pin-point anything that could've caused it and I doubt it was teh domino's pizza as someone else would be in a dodgy way if that were the case, right? Whatever it was that caused it I'm just glad it's over and hopefully the heat from this hot water bottle will help me fall back asleep :(
HI. Well. I went on a bit of a reblogging spree earlier on my main blog so I'm here to get my blogging fix and also to have a quick rant about my housemate because I can.
First off it's probably best if you read the following messages that have gone back and forth and why this is annoying to me:
Housemate
Going by the UK legal system (which I think is a fair way to judge things), a contract can only take place if there is an exchange. Earlier on this year I agreed to:
- Not invite Liz over.
- Give a week’s notice for Katie to come over.
- Keep the heating off after you go to bed.
- Not use your stuff.
- Keep noise levels down when you go to bed.
- In the event of conflict of opinion, communicate through notes rather than verbal methods.
In all instances (especially the first three) I am making a sacrifice. I would like you to enlighten me what you are doing for me in exchange. You have until the end of the week to come up with good reasons why I should continue to do any of this stuff for you. If you don't provide a reason then the aforementioned agreements are nullified. Please note that from this message onwards, your behavior towards both Dan and myself will get taken into account when considering whether the proposed exchange is fair or not. Doing any of the following things will automatically nullify the agreements:
- Dumping stuff on our work surface in an attempt to communicate that you want us to clean it up.
- Excessively helping yourself to stuff I pay for.
- Hiding any of mine or Dan’s stuff.
- Leaving passive aggressive (rude) notes.
The above list of is not limited. Note that the reason I am sending you this message is that you did all the things listed above during the time in which I was under a lot of stress from coursework, which exacerbated the stress. Additionally I have found your behaviour throughout the year both threatening and unreasonable, and I would like you to do some self reflection.
For the record, Dan had nothing to do with this note.
Me
Excessively helping to what / hiding what / what notes have been passive aggressive
Me
*?
Me
Feel free to reply at a glacial pace, it thrills me.
Me
Actually, just forget about replying back. I don't really care what you have to say.
Me
Hi, I'll apologise for the previous message telling you to forget about replying back. I was annoyed at you for not having replied that day (I figured you'd probably been online at some point and checked to see whether or not I'd replied, given that you said until the end of the week.)
I would actually prefer if you'd answer those questions.
Housemate
I appreciate the apology, but past experience has taught me that when I enter these types of argument with you, they quickly become circular and I see no benefit to discussing this further as I feel that I have made myself clear.
Me
Well I beg to differ, if you were clear I'd know what you were referring to. You can't send me a request without being specific.
So I'll ask once more and if I don't get a straight-forward answer then I'll leave you to deal with your issues:
- Dumping stuff on our work surface in an attempt to communicate that you want us to clean it up.
That's been discussed and I'm sure I already said that when I move things over there that belong to you I'll move them back when I'm done.
- Excessively helping yourself to stuff I pay for.
Absolutely no idea what you mean by this as "stuff" could mean absolutely anything. Define "stuff".
- Hiding any of mine or Dan’s stuff.
Again, I have no idea what you're talking about. Define "stuff" or provide examples of.
- Leaving passive aggressive (rude) notes.
Again, no idea what you're talking about. I have left notes but none of which were passive aggressive or - in my opinion - rude. So unless you can enlighten me this is your problem and not mine.
So.. yeah. It's a bit ridiculous really. To explain things a bit better, Liz is someone who I detest (I made the mistake of sharing a flat with them in second year and let's just say the way I was treated was far from acceptable and practically made life there hell) and for whatever reason became friendly with my housemate through being introduced by Katie. Katie was the other person I made the mistake of flat sharing with in second year and - while not as bad as Liz - she also bullied me and reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. The reason for the two reasons was, well, because they make me feel really uncomfortable and the less contact with them the better. I know I don't really have any right to stop them from inviting people over but I genuinely appreciated that they haven't invited her here. Katie did stay here for about a week and in that entire time I was on edge, I didn't feel comfortable and it just brought back some really bad memories I thought I'd put behind me for good, basically. We were literally told the night before she would be staying for a while which unnerved me because I wasn't really given any option but to deal with it. I didn't really deal with it well.
As for the next three things, I think it's sort of common decency to respect others by keeping noise levels down at night and by not having the heating on (seriously, it gets SO WARM) and we all agreed we'd not use anyone else's stuff without asking to stop any arguments over anything.
As for communicating through notes that also includes messaging over Facebook. Reason for this I suppose was that neither of us really like confrontation and not to mention we're rarely around at the same time so talking online or leaving a note made more sense.
As for doing any of the following... I think I explained myself pretty well in my reply back. Not at first because I was all / this and / this *? :D I just wanted a straight-forward answer because I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about. To be told they didn't see much point in discussing it further was baffling because I didn't really want to discuss it - just know what they meant in the first place because I thought it was very vague. To me "stuff" could mean anything!
That'd be like telling someone who didn't know how to bake a cake just to make it with the stuff in the cupboard and not telling them exactly what went into it - it'd probably end up with bisto powder in it or something! (Maybe... you never know with some people!).
My mum suggested I just apologise anyway and say I didn't realise I'd done any of those things but .. I was practically given an ultimatum and doing any of those things would result in... well... no doubt being kept awake at night by noise/heat blah blah blah. It's just stupid considering we literally have very little time left. Tell me these things are bothering you before now god dammit.
I can honestly say the type of notes I have written generally involve smiley faces, or suns with smiley faces or :P or lol's. I usually say please and thank you or "Ta!" too so I'm perplexed as to what notes have been deemed "passive aggressive". Sadly none of them were anything like these passive aggressive notes (I can't believe there's an actual website with those on it and I didn't know about it!).
I don't know. I guess the way I view things is maybe different to them. Maybe I shouldn't have left a note on the sugar saying 'Use your own sugar! :)' (with the :) being a sun) as a wee reminder. Annoying thing about that was it was their guest that was using the sugar to begin with! Seriously... if I had a friend/guest/whatever/alien over I'd let them know what things were mine because well.. as it was it annoyed the hell outta me having someone use my things. It wasn't even just sugar.. it was my cutlery, and my knives, and at one point my frying pan and they freaking scratched the unscratched :'|. It's only a frying pan but it is no longer perfect thanks to them :(
ANYHOW. HOW PATHETIC DO I SOUND? VERY. Good to have a rant though. Gets it out my system. Basically, this post has been me ranting about my impossible housemate who I probably will just ignore as they ignore me. Did I tell you I heard them saying they weren't going to reply to my initial questions because I'd ignored what they'd said? fjwejaphegpawhe. Waaaaah, just answer me. I ignored the rest cos I wanted to be clear about what was being said :')
Can't win with some people, and I took it a lot worse than I normally would've because - let's just say - I wasn't doing too well in the mental health stakes. Which is all sorted now so good good good. At the time though this message was just... insane.
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