ramblings

relate, enjoy, ignore, it's up to you

[keytomygrave]

we baaccckkkk lol

so i guess the expectation I had can't be described as some formulaic criteria list of things to do and not do, it's more so a feeling. And that feeling that I hoped I would feel with you by my side was just that you were my person. don't mistake this as possessiveness pls lol i mean "my" not as belonging but more so as being a rock for me, the way i usually count on you as and you come thru. instead, the mixture of my anxiety/perceptions of being left behind or following, and when we were together in a group setting not feeling the same about our friendship in front of other people as it feels behind closed doors (almost as if you weren't tryna engage with me as much as others), just created a whole new source of anxiety/unease that added to my pre-existed anxiety. little observations like us sitting at our table, and i would try to make a comment or say something and get a one word reply or none at all, while it seemed you had no problem starting convos with others or in contrast, i'd notice you noticing little things they would do and make a comment about it (which again, i know you don't intentionally do but i can't help but notice when it does happen) - these were the moments i didn't feel the way i guess i subconsciously expected to feel by being with you at this wedding or in other words, the way I usually do when it's us. yesterday i talked a lot about contrast to what i perceived you to be with other people, but i think another aspect of it was contrast to how i feel when it's just us or we're chilling with one/two other ppl. again, this isn't me bashing you or our friendship or anything - it just sucked to feel this way and i owe it to you as much as myself to admit it. this is why when you mentioned how i should just speak up or initiate, i struggled to find the words because this solution imo doesn't translate as seamlessly to all the aspects of this situation because it isn't just that simple. yes def it applies to parts of it, like taking pics, dancing, those type of activities. but the overall feeling of you being there for me as much as you usually are - this feeling is something that i didn't feel and idk what the solution is, perhaps just a little extra mindfulness on your end when there is a scary anxiety inducing public event we're both gonna be at? and that combined with me speaking up on the tangible actions will solidify the expected feeling? i genuinely don't know, i think it's gonna require some trial and error should a similar circumstance come up again. but yeah, overall mindfulness of hey is she engaged, her non verbal language, etc etc - all the things you ALREADY do (i just need to emphasize this bc i feel like that got lost in our phone convo) - just intentional mindfulness of this in a big group/public setting is all i ask for. again, not mad or anything, but just wanted to bring this whole thing up to say it, have it be acknowledged and understood (not understood as in comprehended, but like empathized with for where i'm coming from on this all things considered), and then we move on and hopefully our friendship becomes stronger bc of this conversation overall bc it's definitely one of the hardest convos i ever initiated and i'm sure it wasn't easy having to reply on the spot to such things.

[keytomygrave]

Do I crave human connection or am I simply incapable of being alone? Why is it so easy and quick for me to let go and move on to the next? (Sometimes more the others lol) or just find replacements? Maybe that’s more accurate lol. Is the quality of my interactions decreasing with the quantity of them? Or is that a colonial scarcity mindset? Aren’t connections finite and the purpose of life? Ugh I wish I could have lived before this age of social media. Like even the 70s. Obvs don’t wanna glamorize/romanticize what living in those times must have been for someone like me. Maybe it’s not a time thing but a location thing. To live off the map, or grow up in a really rural place. Idk. I just know that this life is incompatible with what my heart truly desires. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. And whenever I find one needle, it slips between my fingers. I’m grateful for the connections I do have, truly. But it’s not enough. Is there ever full satisfaction? Am I chasing the impossible?

[keytomygrave]

the power of women… omd. The fact that I can sit on his lap and make him cum in his pants. Core memory if I ever doubt the strength of my femininity again lmao

[keytomygrave]

fuck fuckfuck

[keytomygrave]

new horizons, layering time and different versions of myself on top of each other but the me of that one time is still there, just layers deep. I think that’s why they say time heals all. It’s just adding more and more soil so the coffin is harder to find, you must dig deeper to get to it. We’ll see if I’ll ever get over this friends to lovers arc you fucked up for me.

[keytomygrave]

I want to want someone who wants me

[keytomygrave]

new horizons, layering time and different versions of myself on top of each other but the me of that one time is still there, just layers deep. I think that’s why they say time heals all. It’s just adding more and more soil so the coffin is harder to find, you must dig deeper to get to it. We’ll see if I’ll ever get over this friends to lovers arc you fucked up for me. Or if I’ll just have to live with it and hope that whatever’s meant to be will amount to that emotionally. I gotta trust God, that’s the only way. But man it’s hard to pass the time and let the layers build…no one talks about how long the shovelling of soil takes, how much labour u must expend and how sometimes it feels like there’s a sheer ass layer, other times a whole different plot of land. Inconsistency is constant so you never know if you’re making “progress” but that way or viewing things is flawed bc progress is not linear, never was. Ugh. Nothing is linear. I hope I’m not the only one going through this shitty ass experience, I really do.

[keytomygrave]

Dude why do u keep popping up in my dreams??? Last night it was again, another seemingly simple/realistic one where you just hit me up and said imy and we started talking on snap and you filled me in on your life. I guess that’s really all that I want and it fucking sucks that you don’t care enough to try since the last time we talked. Like I really meant that little to you where you NEVER reached out again. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I think I still haven’t digested it. I mean clearly I haven’t, like why am I still dreaming of this happening in different scenarios!!! UGH. And I wake up like it fully happened and have to remind myself that that’s impossible bc I was asleep. Fuck this shit. Again, I wasn’t even thinking about you or the situation before I k’d so idk why it surfaced. Surprisingly thougjt v little about u during the day, like until now, but apparently that doesn’t matter. That’s not a sign of progress bc you’ll pop up in my dreams anyways! Not much more to say, we move I suppose.

[keytomygrave]

Ln I released myself from the shackles of the past. Or at least a bit more than yesterday. Deleting our last convo from years ago doesn’t seem too monumental but I’ve been hesitant every time I’ve opened the app until last night. Idk I felt like I never scrolled up all the way without feeling something and I think it’s just built up in my head bc of that to seem like some insurmountable mountain that I’ll never reach the peak of and see what’s on the other side. Also I psych myself out by thinking I’ll re-enter some depressive/spiralling train of thought if I start going down that path by opening the dm. But I did it and I read thru it all and really really believed myself, probs for the first time. Not just thinking she did me wrong and wanting to believe it by talking about it, but like actually believing it as an outsider looking in and being like no, she could have really handled this SO differently if she gave a shit. And literally her saying “i tried to go back to the way things was, as much as u probs don’t believe me” (or something along those lines also lmao can’t wait till I forget the messages) and now reading that I’m like huh u gaslighting hoe - u just said that to free YOUR guilty conscience bc u really didn’t try but knew you didn’t and knew I knew you didn’t. But anyways, one big step taking in a recovery plan I probs shoulda actively worked on way sooner than I am now (and still not even properly working things out but I feel like this is a step in the right direction?)

[doityourselfbombs]

what if we broke the cycle of violence and got brunch together

[keytomygrave]

for someone who hasn’t gone thru much, why am I so done and deflated?

[aidashakur]

[keytomygrave]

I really genuinely put u on a pedestal - and you knew that- all those years ago but damn it took me just as long as I knew you to realize that all I was idolizing was ur flaws. Ur a deeply deeply flawed human. And that made you interesting to me, it made me obsessive. What I saw as intriguing and personality was really overcompensating quirks and wit bc you lacked the basic emotional intelligence to be straight up. I’m writing this to verbalize it to myself, whenever I next spiral into self blame. It’s not your fault, it was never fully your fault. There’s always a choice - they always had the option to treat you with kindness. But they pussied out and made you feel crazy. And that’s on them to reconcile with one day. Ppl will only entertain your delusions for so long. Can’t wait to see the day it runs dry :)

[keytomygrave]

fuck u fuck u fuck u! idk how ur not trying harder to make things right. Need to remember this when you do on ur own time and I forget feeling this way.

[keytomygrave]

Hahahahaha. Benefit of the doubt eh. I was tripping for that one like honestly how much of an eeeediot can I be??? Like that speaks to how much I liked u. How highly I thought of you. How special I truly thought you were. But nah, could be a guy in ur dms, a hinge date or a guy you’ve known for 5 fkn years - doesn’t matter. As long as the guy is shit, he will be that way regardless of the context. Hurt guys really do hurt people. And I know you’re going through it, at least I hope you are for my own sanity. But how fkn emotionally stunted can you be to not be able to communicate and keep the other person in the loop. Like if you were set on operating solo then u shouldn’t have fucking entertained this in the first place. No you’re not just not ready for a healthy relationship, I think you’re soooo far behind to even know what one looks like. To know what LIKING someone actually means. I’m pissed hurt sad devoid depressed anxious annoyed all at once. And you made me feel this way. It’s all on you. I did nothing wrong, if anything I just messed up on not leaving sooner. I messed up handing my heart to u on a silver platter. Didn’t realize that was actually a plate and u ate that shit for dinner, bones arteries and all. Do hearts even have bones? Idk. Yeah you suck so badly. So badly. And yes you were a good friend, one of the most sound for advice and shit. But maybe all of that was part of ur ruse, maybe you never actually gave a shit beyond that. Bc it’s scary how that person and the person you showed to me are the same person. It just doesn’t make sense. I’m confused, this will always be the biggest question mark. I just hope you seriously regret it for the rest of your life. Like I have never wished that more on someone. Fuck you.

[keytomygrave]

sigh why can’t u just do the ONE thing that’ll make me feel reassured. Do u even enjoy talking to me? And no I don’t mean just regular talks bc we’ve been doing that - im talking can I just stream of conscious all over our chat and will you respond? It’s so off putting bc I would be 100% convinced u didn’t like me if u haven’t already told me u did - like just based off actions alone. Maybe that’s it. Your actions and words aren’t totally lining up. They were at the start, and by the start I mean the first few days. Those were great. But it’s like you got comfortable/lazy/you’re being your true self now - and I don’t like it. I’m not a homie, I’m not someone you can shelve for now and talk to bare when you feel like it. Who’s the person always left on read in every convo? Me. I deserve that attention every damn day. Especially bc I give it to you. But for now I’ll be patient...idk I’m gonna have to speak up at some point but I don’t know when. Sigh. Frustration. Utter frustration and overthinking. I don’t wanna overthink anymore I miss being able to disassociate. But since those walls are down I can’t. Otherwise i won’t try ever, like I can’t half that shit. Anyways we’ll wait and see what happens. I can only hope some fried neutron will remember how I said I hate how bad you are at responding and actually try and instigate a convo. But also it shouldn’t be this hard to remember when you like someone....maybe you don’t know what you want so you just told me something. Or maybe you do truly feel that way (bc idk how u fake night 1 talks) but you’re being dumb and suppressing it. Idk. It’s been a while since we’ve both been in relationships so I gotta give the benefit of the doubt. Why am I always the one to do that. Ugh. Another topic for another rant. That’s all for now.

[keytomygrave]

Back. So I’m reading again and it’s amazing. I missed the feeling of being unable to put a book down, wanting to return to the new world you conjured up during every single period of free time throughout the day. It’s a dumb little YA fiction series but it’s enough to get my imagination stirring again, so for that I’m thankful and excited. The possibilities are endless. My intellect is no longer robotic and enslaved to the system, as I truly thought it was. Hs me is still there deep down. Idk why this is such a big deal to me but it really feels like an accomplishment. I really thought I lost it but it’s still there, alive as ever. Kk back to reading - never thought I’d say that again lol.