For years I have been receiving the question “when will you have a baby?”
When I first received it over a decade ago, I cried myself to sleep. Today, I just answer back with sarcasm.
I have a scarred Uterus, also known as Asherman’s syndrome, over a horrific incident that happened to me in my late teens. I was told then that I would struggle to conceive, but due to my trauma I never looked into it and kept thinking I had time.
On my third date with my ex-husband, he told me he didn’t want children. He gave me a few days to think about it, but I didn’t need to think, I thought it was a great escape. Usually everyone blames the woman for not bearing children, but in this case I didn’t have to explain to him that I couldn’t conceive anyway. I said yes, we got married, and divorced four months later. Not because of this, but good thing it didn’t work out anyway.
I got married again three years later, and in the first ever conversation with my husband I told him if he would be ok with no biological children, as I couldn’t conceive. He fully accepted it and it was much easier for me starting a marriage where I felt accepted and understood.
My husband understood, and to this day my Mother-in-law never pressured me either, but my own mother asks me and demands that I give her grandchildren, when she knows that 5 different doctors from different parts of the world told me that I couldn’t conceive due to my scarred uterus.
I argue with my mother over this on a weekly basis. It is exhausting and upsetting, but I refuse to let it ruin my mood or allow it to get to me.
What is a scarred uterus? Or Asherman’s syndrome? What does it mean?
When a woman becomes pregnant, the embryo implants in the endometrium (uterus wall). The damaged endometrium can obliterate the normal cavity and interfere with conception. There is an increased risk of miscarriage or complications later in the pregnancy. In my case, I have not been able to conceive at all. My embryo doesn’t even get to attach itself onto the endometrium.
Yes, the uterus can be fixed with surgery. Or I could resort to surrogacy (someone else carrying our biological child), or even adopt, if having children was that important to me, but I have learned to live with it and accepted my body a very long time ago, and I simply refuse to put my body or my mind through more trauma.
This blog is by no means to have you feel sorry for me, or pity me. I also don’t want to start getting messages about other treatments or options of getting pregnant.
This blog is for all the women out there who cannot conceive like me, and the women who can conceive but choose not to have children. I absolutely understand both and respect and stand with both.
Why is it that being a mother should define us as women?
I respect and admire alot of my friends who are mothers and do a fantastic job at raising them. Some are housewives and some have a full blown career, and they are both happy and content and deserve a trophy for multi-tasking.
I also respect the women who choose not to have children and focus on their career or travelling or whatever it is that makes them happy and content. They also deserve a trophy, simply because they have to deal with society and our community discrediting them as women for not having children.
Then there are mothers who don’t particularly take good care of their children, who were maybe pressured into having children or are struggling to cope with motherhood. There are so many women in different situations.
As a woman ourselves, why do we judge another woman? Why do we ask them the sensitive question? Why do we pressure them? I deal with it on a daily basis. I personally deal with it pretty well now, but imagine the women who cannot deal with these type of questions? I know of a woman who died by suicide during lockdown because she couldn’t bear the thought of not having kids, as she tried for over a decade. It broke my heart when I heard the news. More so for her husband who adored his wife and was totally accepting of not having children.
We never know what another woman is going through. And asking her the questions “Do you have children?”, “Why don’t you have children yet?” can potentially trigger them and push them over the egde. That question is not out of concern but curiosity, and it’s none of our business what a woman or a couple decide to do.
So let’s make a conscious decision to be more thoughtful, mindful, respectful, and understanding when we meet another woman face-to-face or virtually, and treat them the way we want to be treated.
