teehee time for some depression confessions
(my dog died april 23, 2021. that’s all i should have to say about that.)
(i lost a friend to suicide november 12, 2022. we were part of a “friend” group [i use the term friend loosely because they are all in nyc and i only saw them a few times a year and i have been drifting away from them for two years] that started falling apart late 2020 after my dead friend’s husband was exposed as a manipulator/abuser/gaslighter. i still talked to her because she was such a good, beautiful person and after the civil war we were all convinced he was holding her emotionally hostage because she was financially dependent upon him and also his medical caretaker, and i didn’t want to lose her as a friend. she was probably my second closest amongst the group. the last time i talked to her was in may of 2022. i don’t know why i went months without talking to her or checking in on her, but i regret it every day. i missed my chance to tell her how much i valued and loved and cared for her, and the positive impact she had on me. i will never get that chance again. it tears me apart to know she died without knowing.)
(my “friends” [coworkers that always told me how much they loved me and told me that i could never get rid of them and that they would stalk me if i tried to ghost them when i quit] have not reached out to me since i quit in december 2022. they all knew i had recently lost a friend. they all knew, due to my trauma dumping and chronic oversharing, that i have mommy and daddy issues and eldest daughter syndrome and would never text first because i don’t think people want to talk to me unless they talk to me first. they all knew that i feel like a burden when i ask for help, or i feel like i’m bothering them when i talk to them first. i guess i was right. i stopped texting first, and haven’t heard from anybody since.)
(with one exception - i had been vaguely flirting with one of my coworkers since october. not because i was really interested in him, but because i’m lonely and i would send horny tiktoks to him and he flirted with me and i am desperate for attention. he doesn’t talk to me at all, and has never straightforward asked me to hook up or anything, but every couple of days he’ll send me a horny tiktok. just that. no “hey”, no “how are you”, no text. just a straight link. i know he has no interest in me, and if he did try it would be because he was the store slut that had already fucked 4 of our coworkers and not because he thinks i’m attractive or wants to fuck ME, it would be because he wants to fuck. a hole. the only social interaction i am currently receiving is in the form of one horny tiktok sent to me every few days by a person who literally does not talk to me or care about me at all.)
(i am 29 and still a virgin, because i am still fat, and ugly, and stupid, and not funny, and uneducated, and poor, and i have no talents or skills, and i live in a small town, and i still live with my mother, and i have no friends, and i have mommy issues, and daddy issues, and eldest daughter syndrome, and depression, and social anxiety, and an eating disorder, and adhd, and probably autism, and unresolved trauma, and i’ve never been in a relationship, and i’m useless, and all of these things have to be true because no one has ever wanted me and if these things were not true surely somebody would want me, right?)
(i have kissed three people in my life. my first kiss was when i was 21, with a stranger i never saw again, when we were both drunk at a club on nye. the second was with another stranger i never saw again when we were both drunk at a concert. the third was with, you guessed it - a stranger i never saw again, when we were both on molly at edc las vegas in june of 2017. almost 6 years ago.)
(earlier i realized that if i deleted myself off of all of my social media platforms, and turned off my phone for a few months, i would probably turn it on and have no text messages waiting for me. my only missed calls would be spam. because people just…don’t talk to me. if i disappeared or went off grid, i would not be labeled as “missing” because there would be no-one missing me. i would not be missing.)
(and i am always thinking vaguely about su*icide, even if i have no real intention to commit, because of all of these things. i realized tonight that if i did, i would have no note to write, because i would have no-one to write it to or for. i would have nothing to say. i would have no-one to say anything to.)
i’m tired.
