So I think I have a problem. I’ve been noticing it for the past maybe one or two weeks? And it’s something that came up sparingly in tenth grade, and even rarer before that or even during eleventh grade. It’s — my fingers? There’s some body dysmorphia going on, I guess? I’m not really sure? They just. Look big. Or stubby. Fat. Just a bit, you know? And it’s annoying to think about, and I’ve become increasingly aware of it recently. Sometimes I just hold up my hands at different angles and. Stare. I even asked my mom if my fingers were too short a few days ago, which makes me reel a little bit, because the first rule to spiralling is to never leave hints. No self deprecating jokes, no degrading comments, no casual remarks, no mentions of diets or feeling sad or whatever. And if the urge to spill ever arises, settle with complaining about not enough sleep or being swamped with work. Because those things are safe; they’re regular worries and struggles. So. Naturally since I’m slightly out of practice, I ask if my fingers are short, and I have enough idiocy left in me to add in that they’re just a bit stubby. Because they are. Stubby. And she says I’m being ridiculous, and how much more less stubby do I want them to be? Am I freaking out? I know they’re not that fat, so maybe they’re just not super skinny either? Or are they? They’re not. I know they’re not. Do they have to be? Just because they’re not sticks, doesn’t mean they look stubby, right? Or is it some mild body dysmorphia. Selective? But today my legs looked really really really big in the mirror. And I tried not to freak out. I started working out a little. There’re a lot of leg exercises. It’s normal to gain muscle and appear large before the fat lessens. That’s fine. That would be fine. I’d be totally okay if that were the case, but I don’t know if it is. What if they’re not as big as I see them to be, and it’s dysmorphia making them look bigger? I don’t want to be sick anymore. I’m tired. It’s tiring.
