losing my religion @kieran-kennedy - Tumblr Blog

'Doesn’t matter. I’ll go. Anytime.'

Fucking Christ. It makes the pleasure between her legs tremble and tighten, makes her thigh muscles get all seize-y and tense. The idea that Kieran— an indescribably important person, a deal-maker, an influencer of the fucking global economy — would step away from his work to listen to Selene slip a finger inside her, two, three, panting about how she wishes they were his?

It's the hottest fucking thing.

"I'm gonna be such a fucking whore for you on the phone."

Doubly pleasurable, when his fingers dig into the meat of her thighs. It intensifies things. Grounds her, in the car, against him, another touch-point of physical contact even as their bodies slide and slip against each other in a desperate, slick, rhythm.

'I love you,'

'I love you so much. Fuck. I love you. I want to fuck you just like this for the rest of my life. Forever.'

The noise that escapes her is a strangled whine.

"Fuck me every day," she pants. "Fuck me like this so all I can think about is you. Don't wanna think about anything except how lucky I am we love each other. How lucky I am that you can fuck me this good."

Nails, digging into his shoulder. Spine arching, muscles trembling from the effort of meeting Kieran's increasingly intense thrusts. How did he make it look so fucking easy?

'I’ll die if I don’t spend the rest of my life with you,'

Oh, god. Selene clenches around him again, blinking dazedly when she feels the delicious drag of his teeth against her throat, a pleasant, prickling rasp, nice and wet.

'I’m so close,'

'I wanna come so bad. God. I wanna fill you up. Make you mine.'

His hands at her breasts. Hands she would trust to hold the world. Hands that she would trust with anything. Him holding her, in college, when she was tipsy and tumbling against him and he kept her upright. Hands that touched her arm, gentle, the only hand that could console her when her father was horrid and dismissive at work. Hands that held her like she was precious. Even after everything that had happened. Selene inhales, sharp, shifts up into his palms.

"You're not gonna die," she pants into his hair, hips snapping in tandem. "Cuz I'm gonna be yours for all of your life. And mine. After that, too."

It's just— so maddeningly close. Like a rubber band pulled close to snapping, a pressure at her clit, a heat, a sensation stoked the edge that makes her knuckles whiten and ache with the force they are grasping at Kieran.

She knows finishing like this, with Kieran— will unspool her, wreck her, in the most perfect way.

"Want you to finish inside me. Want you to fucking fill up every inch of me, it's our wedding night and I want you to finish inside me, want you to fill me up so bad you change my DNA, wanna feel you, baby, wanna feel you when you feel good—"

To say her breath is rushed and slurred and needy is an understatement.

kieran-kennedy

"I'm gonna be such a fucking whore for you on the phone."

Fuck. Fuck. Kieran almost came from hearing that. He felt his cock twitch and tighten inside of her. Holy fuck. How many times had he dreamed of this?

“You're my perfect fucking whore. Fuck. I’m gonna fuck you everyday, Selene, just like this. Better.”

He squeezed her tits, thrusting into her with wild abandon. Fuck. He just wanted to come now. He wanted to come inside of her. He didn’t care about the mess, or finishing too soon, or anything besides finishing inside of Selene. Making her his. She wanted that, too.

Kieran saw white for a moment, seconds away from finishing. Fuck. He was there — so close. So fucking close.

“I’m gonna fill you up. Come inside you. Fuck. Fuck, Selene, I’m gonna come inside you right now.”

Kieran readjusted — he sat up, gripped her hips in place so he could pump in and out of her with perfect ease. His abs were tight, wet with all of his sweat, and all he could think about was how fucking good this felt. When was the last time he’d had a fuck this good?

Never. Literally, never.

“Baby, I love you. Damn. I love you, Selene.”

And then Kieran felt his thrusts turn jagged. Felt himself start to spill inside of her. He groaned, not daring to stop until she finished with him, too.

Kieran pressed his lips against her, hurried, frantic, desperate.

“My fucking whore. My wife. My baby. Fucking perfect. Perfect everything.”

Kieran held her tight, abdomen flush against his, bodies stuck together like glue. He rocked against her, clearly exhausted, but still riding out his high. This miraculous fucking high.

#003 #whts wrong with them

ortizselene

Selene can feel herself shiver and tremble whenever Kieran has his face pressed close to her chest, breath fanning at her collarbone, mouth and tongue agonizingly hot wherever they go.

It's like he belonged there. And he did. If Selene were somehow able to straddle him, day and night, keep his mouth on her tits, she'd fucking do it. Especially like this. Gripping her, fucking up into her, every jab of his cock having her weak and needy and keening.

'Yeah? You think about my arms?'

Fuck. And Selene has never once forgotten this one fact— Kieran Kennedy is a fucking athlete. A fucking wonder. Because, in a way that is shamelessly effortless, he then lifts Selene up, hoisting her to better receiving the thrusting of his hips, hammering away with his cock, making her pant and tense and dig her fingers into the meat of his shoulder.

"Kieran, fuck, fuck me—"

She pants, voice strained.

It's just too fucking good. It feels too fucking good. Kieran is a god, and she wants to stay in worship.

The taut heat between her legs, pooling pleasure and tension, the way her fingers keep gripping, breath stuttering, sweat dripping between the valley of her breasts? It's never been like this before. It's only with Kieran. It can only ever be with Kieran.

Her fucking husband.

Who knew how to get her going, when he says—

'Next time you touch yourself, I want you to call me. I don't care if it's two in the fucking morning.'

'I want you to tell me so I can go help you. Fuck you just like this.'

And that shoots right up into every muscle of her body, every nerve, every nerve and burning spark of pleasure at her clit.

Selene blinks at him. Smiles. Dazed, hungry, lust-struck, love-struck, panting to imagine calling Kieran while her hand slipped towards the apex of her thighs.

"What if you're at work?" she pants, lips quirking as sweat rolls down her temple. "Would you walk away from a call or a meeting to hear me panting your name? Really fucking needy?"

God. The thought has her shivering, has her clenching around every deepening thrust of his cock, pleasure twanging within her like the plucked chord of an instrument.

'Fuck, I love you, Selene. I'm so in love with you. Always have been. I should've said it sooner. I won't ever stop saying it.'

'I love you. I wanna be married to you for the rest of my life. I wanna do this for the rest of my life.'

Selene, desperate, needy, love-struck, picks up her pace, thighs burning, hips bucking in time to Kieran's thrusts, shifting to meet him, to grind herself into the base of pelvis, feel him reach further.

Parts that could only belong to him.

"Love you," she breathes, a curl stuck her throat, her forehead, too intent to push them away. "Wanna go back in time and tell it to you every day. Could—" Her head tips back, and she whines, feeling an especially hot bolt of pleasure seize her muscles. "Could go back to the day we met and say it and would mean it."

A hand reaches up— and with a touch so intimate it makes her heart twist, she cups Kieran's face, flushed and hot.

"Want this every day. Wanna feel you. Want you, so bad, so lucky to be married to you." And she kisses him like he's water in the desert, forehead bumping against his, nose brushing.

"Need you. There's not— fuck," another stuttery breath. "There's no me without you, Kieran."

And that was the truth of it. Selene didn't exist without Kieran— it just didn't make sense. Here with them joined, exchanging kisses and vows, it's especially transparent.

kieran-kennedy

It didn’t matter where Kieran was. Work. Home. In the middle of a billion dollar deal. He’d drop everything to be with Selene.

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll go. Anytime.”

Kieran meant it. It scared him how much he meant it. It scared him just how willing he was to ruin his life for Selene. Kieran gripped her thighs, squeezed, fingers digging into her skin. Maybe it hurt. Maybe he’d leave a mark, but it was all Kieran could do to keep himself from coming too soon — especially with the way she was riding him, the things that she was saying, the looks she was giving him.

There was no him without her.

“I love you,” he repeated. “I love you so much. Fuck. I love you. I want to fuck you just like this for the rest of my life. Forever.”

And he was feeling overwhelmed now. Desperate. His hips crashed into hers with less rhythm and far more urgency. His whole body was warm, damp with sweat. Each time Selene tightened around his cock, Kieran felt unbelievably close to finishing. He wanted this to last, but he also couldn’t wait. He’d spent ten years waiting for this moment.

“I’ll die if I don’t spend the rest of my life with you,” Kieran said. He buried his face into her neck, licking, sucking, biting at the flesh there, all while his cock drilled into her.

“I’m so close,” he admitted.

Kieran’s hands traveled over her abdomen, fast but gentle, cupping her breasts.

“I wanna come so bad. God. I wanna fill you up. Make you mine.”

Kieran sat up, leaning forward so his mouth could crash against hers yet again.

#003

ortizselene

Kieran doesn't take long to reply— he's nodding fast, before every word is even out of her mouth.

The panting yes, his teeth, his mouth shifting down to her chest. Fuck. It's outrageously hot. It makes her tremble. When she feels that wet heat at her breast, she does her best to help Kieran, arch into his mouth for better access.

Just take me, she thinks. Take more, as much as you want. She'd spent a decade wanting to be his.

'All the time. I used to get off thinking about you. You in your bikini, or yoga pants. Used to make me so hard. I'd go home and come just thinking about you.'

Bikini. Fuck, her yoga pants too. Selene continues rocking atop him, nails digging into his shoulder as her pace builds, relishing every upwards thrust of his cock.

"I always bought them a little extra small. So they'd be tight on me. To wear in front of you."

Yeah— they were crushed under classwork, under maintaining the highest grades in their year, but even then, even then, Selene had made the point to size down with her yoga pants. All because she hoped Kieran might see.

The memory makes her smirk, makes her feel all flushed when she thinks of the panting breaths Kieran might have taken alone, hand fisted over his—

'Actually,'

'Thought about you last week. After we worked out at the gym. Couldn't even wait until I got home. Did it in the shower at the gym.'

She moans of that, of course. And even louder when his mouth latches around her nipple, tongue slow and hungry and skilled, the pleasure spreading slow as honey, and just as sweet.

"Jesus, fuck, Kieran," She breathes.

Selene's head tips back and she's clenching around him without even thinking, a squeezing, needy pressure.

"That's so hot. You know your arms looked super good that day? I'm just thinking about how tense your muscles probably were, and your fucking abs, clenched all tight and you're all flushed from the heat—"

"If I was there and I'd heard you I bet I'd have to touch myself..."

kieran-kennedy

Kieran was in a daze. A euphoric fucking daze. All this time she'd been touching herself thinking about him — buying tiny bikinis and clothing just for his benefit. He felt exceptionally less guilty for staring and fantasizing.

"Extra small," Kieran repeated, faze nuzzled in between her breasts. He was panting against her skin, focusing on the little droplets of condensation from his mouth. Kieran's hips slammed into her thighs, cock buried deep inside of Selene with each thrust. Kieran was certain that he'd never felt as turned on as he did in that very moment. Hot, cock hard, just for Selene. Always Selene. No other hook up came close. Nothing felt this good. Nothing ever would, he thought, unless it was with her.

Kieran smirked, bit against the flesh above her breast.

"Yeah? You think about my arms?"

In a quick and athletic motion, he used those very same arms to lift her further up, giving himself more room to thrust faster, harder, deeper. A bit of showmanship, sure, all for Selene.

"Next time you touch yourself, I want you to call me. I don't care if it's two in the fucking morning."

Kieran didn't care where he was — Beijing, Los Angeles, London — he wanted to know.

"I want you to tell me so I can go help you. Fuck you just like this."

Just like this. Or maybe even better, honestly, on a bed, the way she deserved. Kieran's face felt unbelievably warm. He needed to kiss her again.

Kieran wrapped his arms around Selene, pulling her nice and tight against his chest. He found her mouth, tongue immediately searching for her own. He slowed his thrusts to savor this moment. He was making love to Selene, the way he'd always wanted to. Connected to his very best friend. The person who understood him the most.

"Fuck, I love you, Selene. I'm so in love with you. Always have been. I should've said it sooner. I won't ever stop saying it."

Kieran was positive. He'd never stop loving her. He'd never stop saying it.

"I love you. I wanna be married to you for the rest of my life. I wanna do this for the rest of my life."

#003

ortizselene

That groan of Kieran shoots right up her spine, up every knob of bone, every burning inch of her skin, and her clit feels it too, heat between her legs growing more taut. Fuck her. His cock is perfect. She can barely keep her eyes open, but it's worth it to watch Kieran slam his head back against the seat.

Ten years imagining this. Being joined together like this? Connected? Him inside her? Selene has never felt so hyper aware of her body, and it's a burning kind of exquisiteness.

Kieran swears. And even better— he grips beneath her thighs and starts thrusting. The jolt, his cock driving into her? Selene whines, both hands clenching, inner walls clenching, even though the stretch of him was significant.

"—Ahh,"

Ten years of imagining it, and it blows her fucking fantasies out of the water. Here, with Kieran, ring and dress cast aside, stupid fucking engagement cast aside, here with Kieran, the man she loved. Her husband.

'I used to think about you, too. So much. All the time. Your fucking mouth and your ass and—'

Another upwards motion, rocking into her, deeper, her body trembles. More of him. More. They could do this for eons and Selene doesn't think she'll get enough of Kieran.

'My dick used to get so hard just being around you. Still does,'

Jesus. Fucking hard for her. Selene exhales in a gasp, brings her hips down to meet him, seeking him, all of it. Shuddering to feel the pressure on her clit.

"Fuck, baby."

Another shaking breath. She steadies herself on a round, perfect shoulder, trying to meet his movements, take more.

More thrusts, more of his cock, his mouth on her collarbone, the two of them joined together, skin heating and growing slick.

The windows are already steaming. Thick fog, like that out on the ocean.

"Did you used get off when that happened?" she asks, as he kisses her collarbone, imaging Kieran's pants tenting, his ears pink. "I used to try to imagine your dick when I touched myself. And then my face used to get red because we were friends. And then I'd wonder if you had ever done this too."

kieran-kennedy

There was a moment when Kieran felt like he'd just regained consciousness for the first time in ten years. This was really happening. Selene was on top of him. Kieran was inside of her. If Kieran hadn't been trying so hard to hold it all together, he might've finished just from hearing Selene call him baby.

Kieran gripped her thighs, squeezed, met her movements in perfect synchronicity. Selene grabbed his shoulder, steadied herself there, wondering about the extent of his lust in college.

"Did you used get off when that happened? I used to try to imagine your dick when I touched myself. And then my face used to get red because we were friends. And then I'd wonder if you had ever done this too."

Kieran was nodding before she could even finish asking her question, teeth grazing against her collarbone.

"Yes," he panted against her skin. His mouth kissed further down, found her breast once more.

"All the time. I used to get off thinking about you. You in your bikini, or yoga pants. Used to make me so hard. I'd go home and come just thinking about you."

She was driving him crazy. The thought of Selene doing the same. He wondered if they'd ever done it at the same time.

"Actually," Kieran began, mouth closing around her nipple once again. He licked her flesh, slow and hungry, before staring up at her. "Thought about you last week. After we worked out at the gym. Couldn't even wait until I got home. Did it in the shower at the gym."

Fuck. Was that okay to admit? Kieran didn't really care. Didn't have the capacity to care, in that moment. Somehow, it only made his dick harder.

#003

ortizselene

It was dark, clouds rolling in over the ocean, the sun chasing it's way across some other part of the earth, a sky that could have been labeled almost indigo, or maybe midnight, but even then, even in that dark, Selene Ortiz was able to tell when Kieran Kennedy was flushing.

He did it with her in his lap. Naked, chest up, wearing only some silky bit of panties. It was a noticeable blush, and Selene thinks it's the hottest thing she had ever seen. Red just at the sight of her. She shivers, still hot, body trying to expel the intense influx of emotion, and she knows if she were to reach down between her legs all she would feel was wet and heat.

It was hot— the two of them blushing like this.

There's something in his eyes, soft and hungry all at once. When his mouth finds her collarbone, she keens again— louder than anticipated. It's just she'd imagined this before. The slip of mouth and tongue and lips and spit on her, Kieran's, and how her body might erupt into wildfire. It erupted now. Selene's back arches almost violently, right into his mouth. When his fingers wander her spine, she shivers needily.

'I love you,'

'I love you so much, Selene.'

When his mouth closes around her nipple, she moans, fucking wanton, and a hand flies to his curls, grasps it hard.

"Fuck," she manages, eyes flickering down to watch him.

God, how she loved him. She'd fucking kill for him, and Selene is pretty sure she'd kill anyone who interrupts her and Kieran's moment.

But there's nobody but the moon. The waves, the moon, the war, two people a decade in love and so ravenous.

"I love you so bad, Kieran Kennedy," she declares, voice strained from pleasure.

It's nearly impossible to talk watching Kieran tug away at his shirt, his pants— watching that shirt fly behind the driver's seat nearly has her drooling, like whenever she'd watch Kieran strip down to swim in college. Fuck, was he gorgeous. Curls, roman nose, strong features, beautiful even in the darkness, deep-set, thoughtful eyes, a mouth she wanted all over her...

Kieran. Just Kieran, and everything that meant. And then his pants come down, one less layer, his mouth hot traveling up her neck to her mouth, and they're kissing again, dizzying.

When he pulls away, she pants. When he pulls himself out of his briefs, she makes a noise— a little whine, fuck. Hard and hot. And big. There was no use in pretending Selene hadn't wondered a dozen times what he felt like. What his cock looked like.

"Jesus," she murmurs.

He pushes the fabric of her panties aside, and Selene feels dizzying and starved, aching inside, empty, she needs him! Needs him! Kieran lets out a ragged breath, the blunt pressure of his cock against her entrance, and fuck, he feels big too, Selene shivers and—

And begins to lower herself down on him, one inch, two, hungry, fuck, the stretch and the fill and her head tips back, a swear escaping her. Even wet, he's so fucking big.

"I used to think about this," she breathes, voice strained, face red at the memory she had never dared to reveal until now. "After we'd hang out together. Like— even in freshman year, when we had to stay in the dorms. I would wait until my roommate was gone... and then I'd wonder what you looked like. What you felt like. I'd reach down between my legs—"

Her voice stutters, stops, because the fill of his cock as she works her way down is making her almost twitch and keen.

kieran-kennedy

It was happening. It was finally happening. Selene loved him so bad, and he loved her right back, and if they did this right — the whole world would know soon. There'd be no question about it. His family, her family, the company. They wouldn't be kept apart anymore. They wouldn't suffer the way they had.

They could just be in love together, forever, husband and wife.

When Selene finally lowered herself onto him — when he finally felt himself inside of her, Kieran groaned. He forced his eyes shut, slammed the back of his head against the headrest. It was so much better than he'd ever imagined. She was so hot, wet, stretching around his cock.

He made himself look at her. He didn't want to miss any of this — especially not when Selene was telling him how often she'd thought of this, too.

"I used to think about this. After we'd hang out together. Like— even in freshman year, when we had to stay in the dorms. I would wait until my roommate was gone... and then I'd wonder what you looked like. What you felt like. I'd reach down between my legs—"

Kieran's face was on fire.

"Fuck," he replied, face hot. His hands rested beneath her thighs, near her ass. He held her there, a few inches above his own thighs, so he could thrust into her for the first time. He was impatient. So impatient. He could've waited, they could've eased into it, but Kieran needed her so desperately that it had started to scare him.

Needing someone this badly probably wasn't fucking healthy, but he didn't give a shit.

"I used to think about you, too. So much. All the time. Your fucking mouth and your ass and—"

Everything. He thought about every inch of her body, what it might taste like, what it might look like. Kieran's hips jutted upward again.

"My dick used to get so hard just being around you. Still does," he admitted, half-way smirking. He kissed her collarbone again, gripped her thighs harder.

#003

ortizselene

'I wish you had,'

That makes Selene keen, practically, muscles tense with need, gaze hot and low as she stares at Kieran. Kissing him in this car. Kissing him in the old car, a decade ago, fuck— why hadn't she done that? Why hadn't she leaned forward and tasted the perfect bliss of his mouth? The road trip, wherever their destination, it was nothing compared to the heaven she found here, in him.

God. He's so hot under her palm. Blazing. A living furnace. Gone is the cold engagement ring, tossed aside only for Kieran. Gone is the cold glasses of champagne pressed into her hands by others. Gone is the cold feeling of dread when she imagined walking down the aisle to Kane. Gone are thoughts of him. Her parents.

Instead there is only blissful warmth, hungry heat— in her belly. Taut abdomen, hunger. For Kieran. The only Kennedy she needed, the only man she needed to marry.

Except.

They were married now. This was her husband, wed to her in the car, overlooking the ocean, party and ring discarded as if they were the paper wrappings of a straw.

It doesn't matter how much money her parents put in to all that. It's inconsequential.

What was the rest of the world compared to Kieran? What was all of the world compared to her husband? Panting, pupils blown, Selene feels the seat recline, feels herself lean down to follow him more.

'I need you out of this,'

Hot palm, to her calf. Hot squeeze, in the muscles of her abdomen, pooling heat.

She nods. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of this stupid engagement dress. Kieran rises, firm and smooth, finds her mouth, and then they're drinking each other in, thirsty, parched, a decade of withdrawals.

Kisses deepening, hunger, an endless void of need, of love, longing, this heat growing in her pelvis, and Selene can't believe the bliss she feels when she drags her hips along his, allowing herself it, finally, shuddering to feel him. Such blissful friction. Can Kieran feel how bad she needs him?

'I need you right now. Right here. Like this.'

He kisses her neck, wet, hungry, and Selene could die of pleasure. Instead, her hips rock a bit more, skin burning, heat pooling between her legs, desire begging she rock harder, panties thin silk.

"Need you now," she replies, yanking at the hem of dress, tugging upwards, silk over skin, a whisper of fabric, and fuck, she's not wearing a bra, she's glad she's not wearing a bra, especially when she shifts back, pulls the dress over her head and tosses it in the direction of the engagement ring.

Bare chest, the ocean breeze. It's just Kieran's eyes, nobody's else's, it's all for him anyway. Her abdomen, breasts, her eyes, they exist only for Kieran. It feels— special. To be bare in front of him, like this, this first. A bride on her wedding night. Skin alight in goosebumps, she eases forward, smile sweet and hungry all at once as she bumps her nose against Kieran.

"I love you. Need you."

"Have me," she says, voice soft. "Like this. Your wife." And her hand finds his abdomen again, brushing over the thatch of his hair at his navel, exploratory, her hips shifting into his, friction hungry, hot, and if Selene didn't know any better she would say she was blushing at her own need, sweet and pink, lips finding his, a thousand and one daydreams and wet dreams and fantasies coming real.

kieran-kennedy

Selene was moving against him, and it felt so unbelievably good. He'd thought about this so many times. Dreamed about it, fantasized about it. Sometimes he felt guilty for it, and now, it was finally happening. Kieran felt the strain in his pants. He was a little embarrassed to admit that he'd been halfway hard the second that she crawled into his lap.

That's the type of effect she had on Kieran. He thought back to awkward moments in college, trying to be discreet when Selene had turned him on by doing the simplest thing. Working out together, watching a movie, or simply existing. Even more recently, too, as they started working together more. He'd go home thinking about her often.

He'd wanted her so badly. Ten years of desire, all built up.

Of course he was having a reaction.

It was an even bigger reaction when Selene finally removed her dress.

God. Almost.

It was better than he'd ever imagined. Selene, almost completely bare in front of him. His gaze softened. His complexion burned into an even brighter shade of red, somehow, and Kieran leaned forward. He dragged his tongue along her collarbone, sighing, breathing against her skin, taking it all in. His hands wandered, fingers brushing over the gentle divots of her spine. "I love you," he whispered. "I love you so much, Selene."

And he felt it. He felt the love that he had for her, burning a whole in his chest, in his stomach, everywhere. His whole body was aflame, and he needed her. So, so badly.

His mouth captured one of her breasts. He sucked at the flesh, tender and soft, tongue brushing over her nipple.

Kieran unbuttoned his shirt in record time. He tossed it over to the driver's seat, before working on his pants next. He unbuttoned his pants next, pushing them down to the best of his ability, until he and Selene were only in their underwear.

Somehow, he found the strength to pull away from her chest. His mouth trailed up her neck once more, until he'd found her lips. Perfect, soft mouth.

His whole body was buzzing. Almost, almost, almost. Just a few more seconds.

He pushed his briefs down, revealing his cock — hard and ready for Selene. One of his hands found her thighs, squeezing, before snaking his way up her legs. He rubbed over the fabric of her underwear for a few brief seconds, but there was really no time for that. This was all very urgent and dire to Kieran.

Maybe if he were a better man — if this hadn't been ten years in the making — he would've taken the time to warm her up.

He slid her panties to one side. There was no time. He pressed the tip of his cock where the fabric had once been. His breath was already shaky, ragged with anticipation.

#003

ortizselene

There are no words to describe what Selene feels at Kieran's next words. Satisfaction, gratification, hunger, love— fuck, so much love — but there's an undeniable thrill to think on how Kieran would have married her in college. At nineteen. So young, but there was a certainty in the knowledge that they would have done it, and they would have been happy, and it would have fucking lasted.

'Yes, baby, I would've married you at nineteen. Every year before and after that. I wanna marry you every day for the rest of my life.'

Selene lets out a shuddering moan into his mouth.

"That's so hot," There's something sparking in Selene's eyes now, flint and tinder and flame. To be loved for a decade by Kieran Kennedy— to be loved by him for the rest of his life. Who else could say that?

Every day. For the rest of his life. Tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next Monday, ten years from now. And he would have done it in college, too.

"I wanna spend the rest of my life getting married to you too."

Then she feels Kieran's hand on her thigh. A squeeze that lights her whole body on fire. Feeling him exhale against her, whenever she kissed his jaw, when she pressed her tongue against flushed skin. Knowing she could do that to Kieran.

'I'll build us a time machine. We'll go back and do it. Get married.'

Selene inhales hard; leans against him desperately as she nods. If anyone could do it, it was Kieran— brilliant, dizzying Kieran. Her Kieran.

"Please do it— I wanna marry you at nineteen. I wanna be a decade into our marriage. I wanna skip fucking calculus so I can be your wife."

Their mouths connect again, when Kieran shifts his head; warmth shoots up every corner of Selene. She lets her tongue brush up against his, exploring and hungry.

'I've thought about this moment so many times,'

And that gets her pulse shooting.

'Thought about all the ways I could touch and kiss you.'

Her heart nearly shoots out of her chest when she feels Kieran's teeth graze along her lip, a gently-scraping pressure that seems to warm her entire core.

"I thought about th—" Selene's voice hitches, pauses, when she feels his mouth press along her throat. Jesus. Tongue, next, at the tender part of her skin, the soft park of her neck reserved for the roller of her perfume and little else. Little else except for Kieran's mouth— that's the only thing that could touch there now, Kieran's hand and his mouth and his tongue that is stirring up sparks up inside.

A panting breath.

"I thought about this all the time. When we would take our road trips, or whenever we were in a car together, I'd think about getting on your fucking lap like this."

Pulse unsteady, one of Selene's hands skirts over his chest, grabbing at fabric, lowering down to his abdomen. As expected— firm, hot, perfect. Excitingly, dizzingly perfect, heat growing warm at her core. Hungry for him. Kieran. Needing him. The touch-taste-smell of him alone.

"I could never be in a car without imagining this..."

"Touching you..."

Her hand skirts beneath his shirt, fingertips grazing at the warm skin underneath.

kieran-kennedy

Selene moaning into Kieran's mouth was something that he'd thought about often. Less, in recent years, but if his memory was correct, it was almost all the time in college. Especially as the years went by, and they transitioned from freshmen to seniors in the blink of an eye. There was no one Kieran wanted to kiss more than Selene, no one else that he wanted in his lap like this.

They wanted to get married to each other.

Correction: they were married, already, and they wanted to continue getting married.

"I wish you had," Kieran replied, frustrated that he really couldn't build a fucking time machine. Go back and fix this — fix everything so she wouldn't be engaged to his brother. If he could, he'd save the two of them a decade of torture.

Selene slid a hand up his shirt, and Kieran let out a jagged breath. His skin was on fire — face flushed, smoldering in anticipation.

But. But. She was engaged to his brother. Was this wrong? It was. Morally. Technically.

But also… it fucking wasn't.

Kieran wanted so badly to shut his brain off. Stop thinking. Just stop thinking, for once in your life, and do what you want.

Fuck everything else.

Selene was in his lap. The woman that he'd loved for close to a decade. The woman who'd taken off her engagement ring for him. The woman who'd walked out of her engagement party with him.

He'd dreamed of this. Having her this way. Hearing her say that she wanted to marry him, that she loved him.

Did it have to be more complicated than that?

Kieran reclined the seat further, pulling Selene down with him. Her dress was long and in the way. He found the hem of her dress with one hand, pressing his palm against her legs. She was warm and smooth and perfect. She always had been.

The lookout was isolated. It was dark now, and no one knew where they were.

"I need you out of this," he said, squeezing the back of her calf. His abdomen felt warm and tight.

He needed to kiss her again.

He surged upward, finding her mouth, kissing her hard. There was so much anticipation that Kieran had been hanging onto for such a long time. He felt it in the pit of his stomach. In his groin, and the friction in his pants. There was an aching there, just for Selene. The woman that he loved.

His kisses grew frantic, feeling like he'd die if he had to wait much longer. He kissed her jaw, wet mouth trailing all the way down to her neck.

"I need you right now. Right here. Like this."

#003

ortizselene

It didn't matter that it was windy— not really. It could drop below thirty, and Selene wasn't sure she would notice. Kieran's arms were around her, and that made it almost impossible to feel nothing but nice and warm. And held. And secure.

It had always been like that. When Selene was sick in bed, when something had gone horribly wrong, Kieran's arms were the ones she wanted the most. Over anyone. Everyone. When Selene felt the firm, warm muscle, she knew it would be okay.

Which was why she didn't shiver from the cold. No. Just adrenaline. The euphoria of watching Kieran's perfect mouth form the words.

Just the indescribable, undefinable thrill of seeing something light up in Kieran's eyes when she'd stripped the ring off. His face turned red. Alice's body turned blazing at the sight of the flush.

Their mouths meet like the collision of two stars.

'You're my wife,'

Selene shakes. Full body— not some delicate tremble. No, it was a full, excited shudder to hear those words out of Kieran's mouth.

'You're my wife,'

'We're married.'

It really was that simple. Her engagement to Kane had been a carefully orchestrated movement of prenups, emails, exchanges between family members and company advisors and attornies. Clinical. Professional. Parties and showers and events and announcements on thick card stock.

And what was this? A parked car. An ocean. A love that had endured for over a decade.

This, this marriage— an exchange of words, no documents, no witnesses, nothing — it was the most real thing Selene had ever been a part of. She could strive for it her whole life, and she'd never obtain or recreate a moment as real as this one.

It was unmatched, what was happening in the car.

"I'm your wife."

'You're mine. I love you. God, I love you.'

And then his mouth is everywhere. Mouth-jaw-neck. Goosebumps again, a riot of them, and Selene can't get herself close enough, falls onto Kieran like a burning log dropping atop another in a bonfire. Feeding each other's blaze.

She feels very warm now, kissing him.

" 'Wanna go back in time and marry you in college," Selene mumbles into his mouth. "I wanna marry you at nineteen. Would you marry me at nineteen?" Her breath is long, hitching pants. "I think we'd still be married."

She grins against his mouth. There, in Kieran's lap, she thinks she could heat up the entire fucking ocean.

"But we're married now." She crushes herself against him— grabs his shirt desperately, as if to position her body even closer to his, somehow, press every inch of her and her vibrating body against all of him.

"Kieran Kennedy, you're my husband."

Selene kisses his jaw— as perfect as she imagined — kisses his chin, the corner of his mouth, his entire mouth, breathless, moving into him like a wave, if the ocean could somehow be boiling hot, and it's like she can't even feel the wind anymore.

kieran-kennedy

When Kieran felt Selene shake, he only tightened his arms around her. It was a chilly night, but somehow, Kieran still felt like he was on fire. He'd spent the last ten years burning up for her, and when Selene agreed — declared that she was his wife, that they were married now — Kieran felt nuclear.

She was his wife, and this was more official than any fucking legal document.

Selene's words were sweet, pressed against his lips, wishing that they could have married in college.

"Yes, baby, I would've married you at nineteen. Every year before and after that. I wanna marry you every day for the rest of my life."

Kieran had never been so sure about anything before.

"I'll build us a time machine. We'll go back and do it. Get married."

Yeah. Yeah, he would. He didn't give a fuck if he became one of those eccentric billionaires with too much money and time. He'd do it. Figure out a way to defy the laws of physics so he could go back and fix everything. Who cared if he actually did it — it was the thought that counted, right? All of the effort? The money spent?

Selene kissed his jaw, and Kieran exhaled, face red, face burning. He'd been dying to touch her. He rested a hand on her thigh, squeezing. His mouth found hers again.

"I've thought about this moment so many times," he admitted. "Thought about all the ways I could touch and kiss you."

Kieran paused. His teeth grazed her bottom lip. He'd thought about doing that, too, for close to a decade. Kieran was overwhelmed the opportunity. All that they could do, even in the small confines of her green Mercedes.

He leaned forward, nuzzling into Selene's neck. His tongue slid over her flesh, the same area where she used to apply her perfume, and he kissed her there. Soft, slow, hungry. Hungry for more — for all of her.

#003

ortizselene

'Don't say that,'

Kieran— one of the better souls God ever sent down to earth— catches her dripping tears with his thumb and brushes them away like nothing.

He was being so fucking sweet to her. Kinder than she could ever deserve in a million years. A billion. Ten. After their absence, the engagement, the parties, and the fact he could still love her, be this kind to her? Selene would never stop making it up to him.

His palm against her dress again, her shivering beneath him. When had she ever felt this awake? Every inch of her is buzzing, and, at the same time, it feels like she's trapped in some beautiful dream, or strip of film. The roaring ocean. The delicate clumps of asters. The love of her life, holding her like she's porcelain.

Her atop him, thighs bracketing his lap, hovering over him, noses brushing, breaths mingling and skin brushing.

It's exquisite.

'You can chain yourself to me now.'

She nods quickly.

Even more exquisite. Selene, if she had any talent at smithing, would fucking enchain herself to both of Kieran's arms. She would chain herself to every part of him. And she'd put money into inventing a new metal that couldn't be broken by neither bolt cutters nor heat nor acid.

He's kissing her again. Heat, wet, lips, soft, Kieran. Skin, touch, breathe, Kieran.

'I love you. You're the love of my life, Selene. Just be with me forever, okay? Let's start right now. Right this second.'

Yeah. Forever, now. Selene shifts forward into Kieran's solid bulk. Forever was good. She could also put research into inventing a length of time longer than forever— she was stupid rich, already, why not put her money into something important? Fuck stocks. She needs to invent a new infinity where she can lean against the counter as Kieran stacks turkey on bread, where they watch the college game and swear at the television, where they kiss until they drown in each other's lips. Selene needs an endless amount of time for that. An infinity to make up for the ten years absence.

"Forever from now."

She feels the goosebumps prickle up her neck when he whispers against her mouth.

'I'll marry you right now. Right here. I swear I will. I'll show you.'

Oh my god. Jesus. Those words— I'll marry you right now. Right here. I'll show you— they shoot through Selene like a metric ton weight through water. She shivers, everywhere, she leans back to stare at Kieran for a moment. God. Did he know what he just did to her?

"You'll marry me here?" she breathes. "Yeah?"

And then Selene kisses him— deep, for good measure— and then she leans back again.

This time, she detaches her hand from him, frees her other too. With a shuddering breath, she reaches for the engagement ring— except her fingers aren't working fast enough. And so, without thinking, she raises it to her mouth— she closes her teeth around cool metal, yanks her head back, uncaring of the dull scrape and sting, and she pulls the engagement ring off her finger with her mouth. It falls into her palm, wet and cold.

She lets it tumble onto the floor of the car.

"I'll do it," she says, entire body vibrating. "I'll marry you. I'll be with you forever."

Who cared about the world. Who cared about literally anything else but Kieran?

kieran-kennedy

They were both absolutely in agreement. Forever.

Forever, and whatever came after that.

Forever wasn't long enough, actually, nothing ever would be, but if that was all they got — okay. They'd start now, in that car, in that very moment.

Each time Selene shivered, Kieran only pulled her closer to him, kept his arms on her body, gentle and secure. More sure than he'd ever been of anything.

"Yeah, right here," Kieran said, nodding against her mouth. Selene pulled away from him, and Kieran couldn't help but lean towards her. He hated the space. Despised it.

But she was showing him something.

The engagement ring that had caused so much turmoil in his life over the last several months, welded onto her finger, it seemed, was coming off.

Selene wrapped her lips around her own finger, and it sent shivers up Kieran's spine. His heart was racing now, faster than before, faster than ever before. His face was unbelievably warm — stinging, almost, flushed as his eyes watched her mouth.

Her lips formed a perfect circle around the ring, and in a few seconds, the ring was gone. It fell onto her palm, and then the floor, totally forgotten. Kieran's stomach felt all tight and fluttery at the same time.

Kieran surged forward, face hot, lips desperately crushing into hers.

"You're my wife," he said. Was marriage really that simple? There was no one there to officiate it. No legal document to sign. No ironclad prenup. No witnesses.

It didn't matter.

"You're my wife," he repeated. "We're married."

Kieran leaned forward, unaware of how small and constricting the front seat was. Selene's back rested against the dashboard for half a second, all while he kissed her, before he pulled her back down to his lap.

"You're mine. I love you. God, I love you."

His mouth moved to kiss her jaw, her neck, all of the places he'd dreamt about for the last ten years.

#003 #LKSJDHFLKSJDFLSJDK

ortizselene

There's a healthy gust of wind blowing in from the coast, but that isn't why Selene is shivering— it's feeling Kieran's hand skating over her ribs, rubbing atop the fabric. The combined heat from his palm, the silky fabric is enough to have goosebumps spreading like wildfire.

Big hands. Good hands. How many times had Selene woken up from a dream imagining that? Now, in the dim light of the evening, she can actually feel it.

The hand not at her side raises, gently cups the side of her jaw. That too produces a shiver. There was something agonizing tender and intimate; they were always casually intimate in college, touching each other so easily, but this, this felt different. It was different. They were looking each other in the eye, and each touch carried the weight and importance of their confession.

'I'm here now,'

He was; figuratively, literally, and how lucky was Selene? Not even forty-five minutes ago she was a standing corpse, and now she was being cradled by Kieran Kennedy's loving hands.

It felt too good to be a miracle.

'I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. You're the only thing I want. I don't care about anything else. The company, the money. Fuck it. I just want you. I don't even care what happens tomorrow. For the first time in my life, I just. I don't care, Selene. I only want you.'

Another fresh set of tears.

The company— the thing Kieran had invested an entire fucking decade in, all his free-time, his health, every cell in his body he sacrificed for the company— he was willing to give it up for Selene. Her. The most detestable person ever, and Kieran was willing to give up the money and the company and whatever else for her.

Her face crumples.

"I don't deserve that," she breathes, voice thick, lashes clumped together from the wet. "I don't deserve."

Her head tilts. She kisses at his palm.

Inhaling sharply, body still trembling, she shifts forward, nudges her nose against Kieran's, handsome and strong. She stays like that for a second, shivering against him, marveling how, after a decade of imagining, she's on Kieran's lap, feeling his muscles with intention, staring into his eyes; daring to press her forehead against his.

All she wants. He's all she wants.

Her voice drops to a whisper.

"I don't care about tomorrow either. I don't care if my parents never talk to me again," she breathes.

"Or if— I can't work in the industry anymore. I don't care, whatever."

Another few inches, and she shifts forward; skin buzzing. Entire body awake. She lets her lips drag against his before she kisses him, deep, a man in the desert stumbled upon an oasis spring. His lips beneath her send a jolt to her brain.

"I'll never go anywhere again," Selene breathes against him. "I promise. Not away from you. I should have just— chained myself to you at graduation. You're the only thing that makes sense."

kieran-kennedy

More tears fell from Selene's eyes, but Kieran was quick to catch them, gently brushing them away with his thumb. There were a lot of emotions happening — a lot to cry about, but a lot to smile about, too. The relief they both must've felt — the relief that Kieran knew that he felt.

In spite of not knowing what lie in wait for them.

It was just the two of them, and they could have whatever they wanted now. Anything — absolutely anything.

"I don't deserve that," Selene said, kissing the palm of Kieran's hand. He frowned.

"Don't say that," he whispered. Selene's body was trembling beneath his hands. Kieran rubbed at the silk, gently, hoping it offered some comfort.

This was really happening. Selene was his now. Selene, the woman that he'd loved for a decade, loved him back. There was no more waiting around for the two of them to be together. They could start now. In that very moment.

Selene kissed him, softly, with the passion of the last ten years hanging on her mouth. Kieran felt it. He kissed her back, caressed the side of her face, leaning toward her.

"You can chain yourself to me now," Kieran replied, smiling. But he didn't want to stop kissing her. God, he never wanted to, so he leaned forward again, brows furrowed, heart racing. She tasted the way he'd always imagined.

She smelled the way she did in college, too. Same perfume, maybe, or shampoo. Something felt … familiar, but maybe it was just Selene.

His Selene.

The love of his life.

"I love you," he whispered, lips still pressed against hers. "I love you. You're the love of my life, Selene. Just be with me forever, okay? Let's start right now. Right this second."

Kieran was burning up. Heart racing, on fire, with how badly he fucking loved her.

"I'll marry you right now. Right here. I swear I will. I'll show you."

#003

ortizselene

There's fabric against leather, soft rustling, the leap of her heart when Kieran starts to move, unbuckles his seat belt and then unbuckles hers.

All so he could hold her. So those firm, muscled arms could wrap around her undeserving body.

He smells good— like Kieran— and he feels warm, especially in contrast to the little coastal gusts.

'I love you.'

'I love you so much. I've always loved you. I've always had this idea of seeing you again, when my life felt more settled.'

Selene's chip hooks over his shoulder. He loved her. Each time he said it, it made all the organs inside her body start to float, as if it was zero-gravity inside her, like the space station that was somewhere above their heads, with the stars, miles and miles away.

'I know it may not seem like it, but everything I've done for the last ten years has been for you. Always getting ready to see you again, so you'd be proud. I just. Waited. Too long.'

That makes her eyes squeeze together, makes her throat squeeze, makes her own arms wrapped around Kieran tighten even harder.

Everything for her. Everything for her. What had Selene done to deserve a love like this? All she could do now was try to return it back tenfold. Give it a billion times over.

"I shouldn't have waited. I shouldn't have waited."

And then Selene doesn't really care if she bangs or bruises her legs— she pushes up out of her seat, crawls over the console into where Kieran sits. Sitting atop him. Her arms now laced around his neck. It's cramped, and, yeah, she hurt her knee crawling over, but who cares?

Selene needs to be close. When was the last time they had been even remotely so close physically? Not since college.

Her teeth clack, and her bottom lip trembles.

"I was proud," A stuttery inhale. "I've never not loved you. I always— I used to follow you. And your career. Whenever you'd land some deal, or win an award, whenever someone wrote about you in the financial section," She blinks hard, vision still blurred. "I would think, of course you did. That's Kieran."

Her fingers find the hem of his shirt, dig into it, slow, seeking his warmth. One of them begins to drag up and down his neck softly.

"I would— miss you even more. It felt like I was dying. Just automatically I would think, that's my Kieran."

kieran-kennedy

Selene shifted in her seat, crawling over the console and into his lap. Kieran's heart was racing. Face flushed. How many times had he thought about this? Selene in his lap. Intentional. Not coyly, the way they operated in school sometimes. Holding hands as friends. Sitting on his knee because the booth was already cramped enough. Sharing a bed because it was easier than going home after a long night of studying.

This was real.

Kieran placed a hand at Selene's side, rubbing at the silk fabric of her dress. His heart was racing because he'd wanted this for so very long. For things to be intentional — to not brush it off as a thing that best friends did.

Both shared the same regrets. Waiting too long, not doing anything sooner. How different would their lives be now?

It kept Kieran awake at night, thinking of all the things they could have accomplished together.

She assured him that she was proud. She was proud, and she loved him. Nothing else really mattered, did it? Not the engagement, or all of the time that they'd missed.

"I would— miss you even more. It felt like I was dying. Just automatically I would think, that's my Kieran."

Kieran's other hand cradled the side of Selene's face. It didn't have to be complicated anymore, did it?

"I'm here now," he told her, soft and sincere. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. You're the only thing I want. I don't care about anything else. The company, the money. Fuck it. I just want you. I don't even care what happens tomorrow. For the first time in my life, I just. I don't care, Selene. I only want you."

#003 #PRETEND HES NOT SHIRTLESS

ortizselene

Selene wasn't prepared for it. She thought that once she spilled the words out, that nothing could make her composure crumble further— her barriers had toppled over, her foundation had fallen down into an even flatness.

Nothing could wrench her heart more. Nothing could push out more tears.

And then she sees Kieran's face. HIs face crumples, warring emotions, devastation and relief and something overwhelming, and Selene feels it too, and something salty and warm starts trickling and dripping from the side of her nose as she watches Kieran hang his head.

How long had he waited to hear those words? Had Kieran ever dreamed of Selene touching his face like this, speaking those words plain and true? Her brows twitch, and so too do her mouth. Her entire face is getting wet. It turns out she could cry more, and crumple further.

All she had to do was look at Kieran's face and think about the pain that had stayed behind his rib cage. And how must it had to have hurt to have this reaction now to her words. Selene cries with him, and beneath her catching breaths is the fear about the unknown— what he might say next.

Kieran, after all he had been through, had no obligation to love her back. He had no obligation to say it back. After what she had done, and hadn't done, Selene knows the pain she's inflicted might be too much. The absence. The distance of the years in between, the rock on her finger, everything. She doesn't deserve anything from Kieran— she deserves to drag herself on her stomach and apologize.

And then he squeezes her hand.

Like a struck match, there's a little flame called hope inside her chest.

'I've been in love with you since the day I met you, Selene, and I don't know why I didn't ever tell you, or why I didn't kiss you until tonight, or why I waited until it was almost too late.'

The ocean breeze blows, plasters a curl against her wet face.

Love. In love. Since the day he met her. Everything else just sort of blurs together, and her ears ring, and Selene experiences a relief so sudden and slamming that it's euphoric.

She's crumbling, more than a person should be able to, but she makes herself blink the wetness away, desperate to see Kieran's face during this. Trembling breath, and pitching voice, wet eyes, those slate-blue eyes shining.

Selene wasn't much of an artist, but she feels very certain she could draw his eyes perfectly. If she ever needed to paint her living room blue, she could pluck out a paint chip the exact slate blue of his eyes.

Kieran Kennedy loves her back.

'I can't live without you. I tried for so long, and it felt like there was a vital part of me missing the whole fucking time. I've never felt so fucking empty and alone, without you, and when you got engaged ...'

'You're my best friend, Selene.'

Her chin drops, her head falls, and Selene's head tilts forward, hanging low, tears dripping onto the white silk of her dress.

What an overwhelming privilege it was to be loved by Kieran. Still.

"I'm sorry," she burbles. "I'm so sorry. For all of it. Because you're my best friend. And—" A shuddery, wet breath. "All those years we didn't talk were so awful. It felt like I was in this— awful mirror world. Where everything felt wrong. I wasn't supposed to be making coffee in an office without you. I wasn't supposed to sit down on the couch on a Friday and not call you over. It felt like I wasn't actually alive."

Her face scrunches, and the tears are falling so hard she can't see anything in this fading light when she looks up, nothing more than the outline of Kieran. But her brain can fill in the pieces of him.

"And the engagement. And the distance between us, and knowing that I hurt you, I hurt you, it felt I couldn't keep anything down and my body was on edge and I was hurtling towards something that was so wrong. And in what world was I getting married but not to you?"

Her teeth are chattering hard now, the ocean wind blowing, curls ruffled, goosebumps raised along her skin.

"I love you. I'm sorry."

kieran-kennedy

Selene was crying, too, and Kieran wanted more than anything for it to stop. For all of the sadness and regret between them to dissolve as quickly as a ripple got lost in the ocean.

There was still so much that Kieran wanted to say, but words failed him. He could've talked for an hour straight, talked until his throat was sore, and it wouldn't have been enough.

Kieran unbuckled his seat, reaching over to undo Selene's seatbelt, too. He leaned over the console, wrapped his arms around her as she apologized, again and again. Kieran didn't know how he was going to overcome a lot of the darkness inside of him, but he could figure it out later, couldn't he? He didn't want to be filled with resentment for this.

"I love you," Kieran replied, voice shaky, but somehow still strong. He was sure of that, despite everything else. "I love you so much. I've always loved you. I've always had this idea of seeing you again, when my life felt more settled."

Kieran swallowed, throat unbelievably tight.

"I know it may not seem like it, but everything I've done for the last ten years has been for you. Always getting ready to see you again, so you'd be proud. I just. Waited. Too long."

#003

ortizselene

It's like that one time in fifth grade— she'd gotten a bike for Christmas, very expensive, and Selene had hauled it to one of their country properties and walked it up a hill. A very tall one. The road paved on it winded and looped for a very long time. She'd sat on her bike, kicked off from the road, and within a few seconds, when the wind blew through her hair and stung at her eyes, when her feet flew out of the pedals and couldn't catch them again, when her stomach dropped out of her body, that's when Selene realized she wasn't in control.

Free fall, essentially.

That's what was happening now. Out of her hands, out of control, but maybe she fucking needed this. Maybe she needed to sit in the car with the waves crashing outside and feel out of control. Selene, for once, needed to lean into the wind rushing up at her face.

Trust the moment. And Kieran.

'I wanted to. So many times. Every day we spent together, I wanted to. I don't know why I didn't.'

Every day they spent together. It was like that for Selene. There wasn't a day that passed where she wouldn't have loved to kiss him. Over the dining hall table. Crammed in the car, surrounded by bags of snacks and duffles for their weekend getaway. Even when one of them was sick, eyes itchy and red, in need of a feel-better peck.

Why hadn't she? Why hadn't Selene fucking kissed him? To hear it aloud that Kieran thought the same thing too... her heart compresses like squashed under a hydraulic press.

'I can't change anything that's already happened. I wish I could. It's the first thing I would do. I'd go back and kiss you the day I met you.'

The tremble is back in her mouth— teeth clacking together silently from adrenaline, longing, regret that had sunk into every pore.

What if she'd just kissed them then? What would their future— today — look like? Maybe they'd be on top of the world. In charge of their companies, or maybe they would have started their own business together. Maybe the ring on Selene's finger would be two, the gem of an engagement ring, the band you slipped on at the alter. Maybe Selene and Kieran would be married be now, and the pain she felt between every rib, all the fucking pain that she'd inflicted on Kieran, the sadness in his eyes and the line of his shoulders— that never would have existed. What if her Mercedes would have had a car seat in the back?

The hand not holding his reaches up to her eye socket and presses for a brief moment.

'But… all I can do is sit here and ask you not to get married to him. I'd get on my knees and beg, if that's what you wanted. Just. Don't be with him. Please, Selene.'

And then it just starts spilling over. Hot tears. Tears to hear those words from him. Tears for the fact she had even put Kieran in this position in the first place. Bitterness is strong and metallic and thick on her tongue.

"Kieran," she says, his name punched from her chest. "I'm— really — so fucking sorry that you even have to ask that."

She surges forward over the console, free hand finding his face, cupping his jaw, shifting her hand so her thumb runs gently over the bridge of his nose, fingers exploring gently, trying to trace along his eye-socket in case any moisture accumulates there.

I'd get on my knees and beg, if that's what you wanted.

Selene doesn't want that. She doesn't want Kieran on his knees, doesn't want him tormented, doesn't want him hurting, or teary-eyed, Kieran, her Kieran, when the world ends and there's nothing left but darkness, he's the one person Selene knows she'll be able to find no matter wh—

"—I love you."

And her heart has probably punched it's way out of her chest at this point, but that was fine, she didn't need it. It didn't fucking belong to her anyway. It's not there, not really, but Selene can feel the wind of freefall again.

"I can't— get married to him, because I love you. It's been like this for a really long time. A really, really, long time. I don't know if you feel that too, or, or, felt that, a long time ago, but." Selene, who never stammered, fighting to get past. "It's been like that since college. And it hasn't gone away."

kieran-kennedy

It was all coming out now. Everything that they hadn't said in the last ten years. And despite how nice it felt, it also felt fucking terrifying. Regardless of how scary things might've felt, Kieran couldn't shut down now. He had to see this through — if it was the only right thing he did for the rest of his life.

He needed to make this right with Selene.

It wasn't fair.

Selene leaned over, hand on his jaw, thumb brushing against his face, tenderly, slowly, the way he'd imagined so many times before. And Kieran wished that they weren't in the car. He wished there wasn't a console between them so he could pull her into him, crush her body against his, hold her against him until the sun came up.

And then what came next — well. Kieran couldn't maintain his composure when he heard the words that he'd been dying to hear.

It felt like he'd been waiting for it his whole life.

Selene's voice declaring that she loved him. His lip trembled, and something like relief and devastation flooded his face, all at once. Relief that she felt it, too. Devastated that they'd waited so long for this.

"I can't— get married to him, because I love you. It's been like this for a really long time. A really, really, long time. I don't know if you feel that too, or, or, felt that, a long time ago, but. It's been like that since college. And it hasn't gone away."

Kieran took a second to just — cry. Let the tears fall, let his head fall back onto the headrest because it's all he'd been dying to hear. From anyone, but especially Selene. Words that he'd hoped to hear ten years ago.

Those three words. He thought about all of the times they could've said them by now if he'd just acted back then. If he hadn't been so worried about ruining their dynamic, or losing her, or upsetting their families.

Kieran squeezed her hand, exhaled shakily.

"I've been in love with you since the day I met you, Selene, and I don't know why I didn't ever tell you, or why I didn't kiss you until tonight, or why I waited until it was almost too late."

His voice was all over the place. He spoke in differing octaves and most of his statements were punctuated with shaky breaths and sighs.

"I can't live without you. I tried for so long, and it felt like there was a vital part of me missing the whole fucking time. I've never felt so fucking empty and alone, without you, and when you got engaged ..."

Kieran paused as the tears rolled off of his face and onto his shirt.

"You're my best friend, Selene."

#003

ortizselene

Selene and Kieran's eyes meet. There's the distant wail of a gull, the roar of water breaking itself against the shore— and then some strange noise in her own skull. A shushing noise, rhythmic. A steady pounding. Oh. Probably the sound of blood rushing in her head, her heart working overtime to keep herself upright. It's like she's running a marathon right now, despite the stillness of her body.

Then Kieran's eyes flit off to the water— the same time his hand shifts to lace their fingers together tight, one point of contact exchanged for the other. Can he hear the catch in her breath? Is her pulse pounding through her palm? Maybe it's the low light. And the growing shadows. But Selene swears she can see a glint in Kieran's eyes, maybe a shine. It makes her own eyes prickle hard.

Both shiny-eyed. Two watery reflections. Sometimes, in college, when Kieran would predict what she'd say next, or would make the same joke she was about to, Selene would wonder if they had melded into the same person.

She liked the idea of that. Their hearts fusing and melting together into one flesh. His head turns.

'It does,'

'It looks exactly the same.'

A particularly loud wave crashes against the cliff. The wind blows quietly through the asters.

'Selene... there's a lot that I want to say.'

Her heart is pounding out of her skull, her trachea, her breastbone. A lot. Kieran had a lot he wanted to say to her, after he'd traded blows at her wedding party, had kissed her in the kitchen with his cheekbone split open and his face flushed with adrenaline, with his eyes fixed on Selene. Only Selene.

She didn't deserve the force and intensity of Kieran's stare after everything.

"I do too," she says, voice compressed by the squeeze of her throat.

She inhales, but it's shaky and weak and Selene doesn't think she's getting any oxygen anyway— she thinks the nervousness is burning it all up.

Everything inside her is burning up. The blood, the oxygen, all the words she had tried to prepare in her mind, a decade worth of feelings crammed into every inch of her being—

"—I wish we had kissed way before now."

Blood roaring in her skull. It had just burst out of her, and Selene couldn't take it back. She didn't want to take it back.

"I keep thinking that I wish I had kissed you ten years ago."

kieran-kennedy

There was no more waiting for the right moment. This was it. It was unfolding before the two of them, at the edge of this cliffside, miles away from all of the noise — from all of the things that might've held them back.

Selene had things she wanted to share, too, but she started with something so simple: "—I wish we had kissed way before now."

Yes. Yes, Kieran did, too. He wished he would've done something. He wished that ten years hadn't passed them by. He wished he'd been braver. Coming face to face with all of this was debilitating, in a way. Kieran felt deeply ashamed, angry, for wasting so much of their time. They could've spent the last ten years together, happy, maybe with a kid or two waiting for them at home.

Instead, there was this: pain. Regret. Remorse. Guilt.

Kieran's eyes stung.

After college, there'd been a tiny cut that only grew larger with each day that he spent away from Selene. It'd grown into a gaping wound. Now, only because he was on the brink of death, was everything finally coming together.

Kieran set up, pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes tight, willing away any sort of tears that threatened to spill over.

"I wanted to. So many times. Every day we spent together, I wanted to. I don't know why I didn't."

He did know, actually, why he hadn't done those things, but they felt so small in retrospect. They didn't feel worth mentioning.

He looked to Selene.

"I can't change anything that's already happened. I wish I could. It's the first thing I would do. I'd go back and kiss you the day I met you."

His throat felt so unbelievably tight. Tight to the point that it felt painful. Almost as painful as watching Selene wear that ring.

"But… all I can do is sit here and ask you not to get married to him. I'd get on my knees and beg, if that's what you wanted. Just. Don't be with him. Please, Selene."

#003

ortizselene

Selene feels the breeze tangle through her hair, feel it brush over her exertion-flushed skin. Salt. A clean smell too, like fresh linen. The greenery of the countryside. The same exact smells as from their road trip a decade ago.

'I hope it looks the same,'

She inhales.

'There's so much that has changed in ten years. I hope this one thing is still the same.'

Her eyes slide and stare at Kieran from the corner. Yeah. A lot had changed. Things a college-aged Selene never would have imagined, or anticipated. The stupid fucking ring on her finger. The ache that had lived in her chest whenever she saw Kieran— the longing. Regret that ate away at her bones and organs. There were all those times they had been sequestered in the library, surrounded by honey-warm shelves and the coffee they had brought for each other. Why not then? Why hadn't Selene just kissed him then?

"I hope it's the same too," she says, some emotion making her throat close tight like a fist. "After everything... yeah."

And then it stretches out before her; the lookout. A rough-hewn, two slatted fence worn by the sea air. The gravel and dirt patch where people parked. The entirety of the Atlantic on the horizon. The craggy rocks dotting the water where kerns and gulls perched.

It's a punch to Selene's heart. Everything starts climbing up her throat to the point that she can barely even turn into the gravel and park. There's a touch of faintness to her head. A little tremor to her hands. She stops the car, jabs at the ignition and the car goes silent. Just the roar of the waves.

Selene turns her head; white flowers by the fence. Asters. And then she shifts in her seat and turns to Kieran. His roman nose. The little curl that curved around his ear. Beautiful as always.

"....It looks the same to me."

She can't help it. Her hand releases from the wheel, travels over the console and finds Kieran's hand. She has to feel it. Hold it, for whatever she is going to say. Kieran's hand is as it always is— strong, and firm. Like him. Her heart is beating like a screen door in a hurricane.

"Does it look the same to you?"

kieran-kennedy

They both wanted the same thing — for the lookout spot to remain unchanged over the last decade. Because if that was true, then maybe he and Selene were still the same people, buried beneath all of the rigid deadlines and impossible responsibilities. Maybe, if they were lucky, they could pick up where they'd left off ten years ago. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Kieran kept hoping, silently praying, and the beating in his chest only seemed to amplify as the car rolled to a gentle stop.

"....It looks the same to me."

Kieran finally turned his head toward Selene. It did look exactly the same. Maybe it was an illusion — maybe when the sun came up, everything would be different. But right now — it looked the same. He felt nervous now that it was just the two of them and the ambiance of the ocean. There wasn't the worry of guests gossiping on the other side of the French doors, or guessing what engagement present was the most expensive.

They were miles away from that noise.

Selene reached for his hand which helped some. Kieran had to break eye contact for a moment, feeling a wave of something stir in his chest. Why was he so emotional now? His eyes stung, and in a feeble attempt to distract himself, he stared at the outline of the jagged rocks by the ocean.

Without looking, Kieran intertwined their fingers together. It was instinctual, and it felt right.

"Does it look the same to you?"

What a question, Kieran thought.

"It does," Kieran agreed, voice quieter than normal. He finally turned to Selene. "It looks exactly the same."

Kieran swallowed.

"Selene... there's a lot that I want to say."

#003

ortizselene

For good measure, Selene tosses her phone into her clutch, tosses that clutch into the recesses of the back seat. It wasn't like it could power back on on it's own. But Selene just doesn't want it near her. There were messages on that phone, missed calls, probably voicemails from her mother about how she was failing as a bride.

Whatever. Good! Selene wants to fail at this.

She doesn't want any part of that party near her. The idea of returning the gifts sends a stab of wild pleasure through her. Tearing down the stupid white daffodils sounds good too.

She much preferred the asters.

Sliding into the seat? Knowing she was going to leave with Kieran? It's that same buzz underneath her skin from when she felt Kieran's mouth against hers.

'Cuticle oil'

'I didn't know they had that.'

Selene makes a noise, smiles at Kieran.

"They invented all sorts of terrible creams and ointments."

It was a bit of a miracle her voice had remained even. Her hands flexed around the steering wheel. Then tightened. Then flexed again. They just couldn't keep still— not with her mind and heart buzzing. Not when ten years of thoughts and feelings remains perched on her tongue, ready to spill to Kieran. What was he thinking now? She wishes she had an x-ray to peer into his mind.

'I ... can't believe we're going back. Ten years is a long time.'

Selene eases the from the driveway. And then she inhales, sharply. Nobody could stop them now. Even if they fucking shot out Selene's tires, she'd get out of the car, take Kieran's hand, and run. In heels. Every mile.

" A really long time." An exhale. "Too long."

The road opens up beneath them. Selene should have taken him in a car, any car, back to the overlook a long time ago.

Selene rolls down the windows. It feels nice, the coastal air seems to fill up her head, cram itself into every inch, but it doesn't stop the way her heart is pounding, the jittery race of her pulse, the sentences she starts in her head, the shuffles them, re-shuffles them as she decides what to say first when they arrive.

It's actually not long now. Selene doesn't need a GPS, but already she can recognize the little signs— the old tin sheeting of the abandoned cannery. The historical placards doting the side of the road. The lookout wasn't very far at all.

Selene feels her heart pound up into her throat.

"I think— we're almost there." A nervous beat. Her lips tingle. They miss Kieran's. "You think it's gonna look the same?"

kieran-kennedy

During the drive over, Kieran tried not to stare at Selene. It would've been weird, right, to look at her while she was driving? So instead, he zeroed in on her hands, flexing and tightening around the steering wheel. He stared out of the corner of his eye, preoccupied with that and the shimmer of her engagement ring, rather than the scenic view. There was just so much to say, wasn't there? So many thoughts that he hoped to detangle before she parked the car.

And memories, too. All of the memories. All of the times he should've said something. This predicament could have been totally avoided if Kieran had just done something. If only he hadn't spent so much of his life being a coward. Maybe his father would have respected him.

The old lookout was coming in to view.

How long had it been since Kieran drove through this area?

The last time was with Selene. Revisiting all of their old spots alone would've been too painful for Kieran.

"I hope it looks the same," he admitted, but really, he was saying something else: I hope there's still time for us. I hope you can forgive me for waiting so long.

The coastal breeze, at least, felt nice. It helped him breathe, somehow, the cool evening air. It filled up his lungs, grounded him, lowered his core temperature by a few degrees.

"There's so much that has changed in ten years. I hope this one thing is still the same."

#003

ortizselene

Selene watches Kieran's head bob in a nod. There's something in his eyes— a sameness, or a recognition. That Kieran had been feeling this too.

All day.

Before today. A long time.

Her skin is still buzzing from the kiss. Selene thinks on the asters she'd observed from the car, nearly ten years ago— delicate and dainty, narrow stems and leaves.

'Yeah, of course. I remember the place. It's not far,'

A nod.

"Not too far at all."

Selene thinks on what they might look like now. Were there less of them now? More? Did the green clumps spill into the dirt where people parked?

She just feels a flood of gratefulness that Kieran is even willing to go at all. He's had to watch so much. Deal with so much. A thousand knives between his ribs, day by day. Selene has to tell him what she hasn't. Has to show him. There's an easing in her chest, and Selene feels a wild spurt of joy to be leaving it all behind— her parents, the guests. Kieran's dad.

Not Carter. He'd probably be ... the only person to understand. To cheer them on. But he's probably tucked away in some corner of the party. Mouth and hands busy. She thinks of his words, and what they'd talked about, and it starts to surge up inside her, makes Selene shift her weight on her heels with an impatience. Ten years was a long time to let it all stay impacted inside her body. Selene needed to escape the droning conversation. The lobster bisque, that she didn't even like. The white ribbons and daffodils. The physical manifestations of a wedding that was wrong— was a death sentence. Selene needs Kieran to know no other man had ever impressed her, had never made her heart leap— not since freshman year when Kieran had caught a ball, one-handed, casual, sleeves folded high, and then turned to Selene and shot her the easiest grin. No other man could have her love but him.

'Come on,'

Kieran tugs her hand, and the moving feels so right. The air is cool outside— just right. Selene's phone starts to buzz. A bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid. Her fucking mother. With a huff, Selene powers her phone off. There was nobody she needed to be talking to but Kieran. They just ... didn't matter. Not a speck. She bounds down the stairs, away from the party.

Thankfully, Selene's little clutch has the essentials. She retrieves a jingling set of keys— points it at her Mercedes GLC. Sage green. Like most of her cars.

"I can drive. Your cheek is hurt. And nobody would let me drive my own fucking car today... acting like I'm an invalid because my cuticle oil was still soaking in."

Selene makes a noise. Squeezes Kieran's hand, reluctant to release. Maybe she can hold it while they're driving. Maybe, when they're parked by the roaring sea and everything comes spilling out of her, she can clutch his hand extra tight.

kieran-kennedy

Suddenly Kieran felt very nervous. Ten whole years, and everything was finally coming to a head. His hand felt warm and clammy — he hoped Selene didn't mind. She squeezed, which only reassured him that she really didn't mind. Probably had other things on her mind. Like the fact that she was walking out of her own engagement party with her fiance's brother. Yeah. That was a big deal, wasn't it? People would be looking for her, asking questions, gossiping about the fight.

Selene's phone was buzzing like crazy. Kieran couldn't remember where his was. Maybe in his car, or upstairs, in the room that he always stayed in. He didn't care who might've been trying to reach him.

It felt like they couldn't get out of the house fast enough. As much as Kieran loved the Rhode Island estate, he was always feeling quite claustrophobic. The fresh evening air felt really nice. He inhaled, slow and deep, while Selene unlocked her green Mercedes. She was driving, apparently. Kieran didn't mind.

"Cuticle oil," Kieran repeated. He was too nervous to actually be amused by that. He was in a bit of a daze, really, going through the motions until he and Selene could talk. His chest was racing, and without a phone, there was little else to do but … remark on Selene's cuticle oil. "I didn't know they had that."

His face felt warm. Unbelievably warm. Part of him wished that his cheek hurt from Kane's right hook, but it didn't. His body was too preoccupied with everything else going on. What would they both say to each other, after all of this time?

Kieran buckled himself into Selene's vehicle. He looked over his shoulder — no one was following after them. He and Selene were really breaking off cleanly. No witnesses as they sped away in the getaway car.

Kieran shed the coat from his suit, tossing it in the backseat. Could she hear the beating of his heart? Maybe they should go to an ER instead.

"I ... can't believe we're going back. Ten years is a long time."

#003 #hes kinda freaking out and i dont think he will have much to say #until they get to their destination #bc #well #like i said #he is freaking out LKSJDf

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