죽겠다

Freedom & new relationships But behind that is an empty heart On this dark night, Im alone again This isnt right Her existence is such a big part of my world I try but I cant take her out of it Once I did take her off, I broke down But I cant tell myself to be ready to die So its killing me I didnt know the weight of this break up I was selfish, I ignored your tears Its killing me, once again Your traces remain & they torture me It’s killing me I turned around like you’re a stranger But why am I so lonely? — — — —  Killing Me by IKON

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

lucas is cute. even changmin can’t deny that. a little naive though – the idol had thought he was just plain stupid at first – with his big eyes and overly trusting nature. if changmin was a good person, he wouldn’t take advantage of him. he wouldn’t let lucas hang around him thinking there will ever be a chance of anything more than a meaningless hook-up here and there, and even more meaningless activities to follow. sometimes he wonders if what he’s doing is wrong, but then he remembers everyone has the right to be this close to someone else, and it’s not like he’s paying for it, so it could be worse.

it’s been a long day of shooting for a new magazine, one he’s not even sure people read yet, but he has to take all the work he can get while he’s abroad. and then, instead of returning to his temporary barcelona home with his brothers, he’s taken a detour to lucas’ place. it’s a lot quieter, and a lot easier for him to leave, be it after telling lucas he’s doing so or sneaking out during the night. the look on the other’s face when changmin tells him to leave his apartment it almost too sad to want to see again.

“lulu~” he coos the second the door starts to open, already reaching out to loop his arm around lucas’ waist. he’s taller, and changmin has to look up at him, but there’s never one single second when he’s not in complete control. “i picked up dinner! are you busy?” @kiillingme

it was hard to explain how this started. lucas wasn’t one to hook up with people, but changmin was different. he was charming, sweet, and made lucas feel as though they were the only ones around whenever they were together. it happened so fast and lucas found himself waiting for a text or call from changmin daily. sometimes they came, other times they didn’t, but it made his heart flutter every time his name popped up on his screen. they weren’t exclusive. lucas knew that. there was o talk about what they were or where this was going, but that didn’t mean he didn’t allow himself to daydream of what could be.

the sound of the knock upon his door had startled him. he wasn’t expecting anyone like usual, and he hadn’t heard back from changmin for far more than a few hours now. still, he stood from the couch in his living room and walked over to his door. hearing changmin’s voice before he even had the door open far enough to see his face had been all it took to pull a wide smile onto his face. every other care seemed to leave his mind as his arm was wrapping around his waist and lucas moved a hand to his arm in order to pull him inside and shut the door. “no no! i’m not busy,” he lied, but the homework he had been working on was put on the back burner for now.

despite having hung out with changmin enough times to not get this way, he still felt so nervous around him. he was... changmin while lucas was just. lucas. nothing special, yet changmin was still coming around to see him. and bringing him food? it was all so much and lucas knew he probably looked like an idiot with how much he had been smiling in the past... thirty seconds. “what did you get?” he asked, hand falling from his arm and back down to his side as he looked at changmin, “do we need drinks? i have drinks. soda, beer, um... many some wine left. we should sit and get comfortable. how was your day?” he rambled, more so from excitement than nerves though. “i wish i had known you were coming... i would’ve... cleaned up,” his appearance and the apartment. he chuckled, fingers pulling through his hair as he kept his gaze away from changmin, “but i’m glad you came over. i missed you,” he admitted, small blush on his cheeks now as the words left his lips.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

   while it’s not nearing closing time, it is nearing the end of kijoon’s shift. he’s always a little more chipper so late into the night, dreaming of returning home. it’s a small, dark, lonely apartment, but so much better than the alternative. it’s one of the only nights he has free away from the wandering hands of someone it pains him to be around. and just when he thinks nothing can ruin his good mood, he’s hit with the classic please cover my shift text, and kijoon knows he’s lucky if he gets three hours of sleep tonight before he has to work again. but he’s too nice to say no nowadays. “what do you want?” he mumbles, staring into the glass he’s drying as someone clears their throat nearby.

lucas had been in the same stool for the past thirty minutes or so. he had no idea where his friends had run off to, and he was nursing a glass of water one of the bartenders had gotten for im after seeing him stumble around for a good ten minutes. he may be tall, but he was still not great at handling his liquor. and his drunken state had made him even more talkative than usual. so, when kijoon asked the simple question, lucas was quick to respond... off topic at first. “wow... you are so pretty,” he wasn’t even aware that he had said it outloud until a second later and he was turning bright red. “oh, uh, i’m still working on this water. the other... person,” he hesitated, looking for where they went... or was it ki that gave him the water. he wasn’t even sure at this point. “i have to finish this before i’m allowed anything else. but.. i want something that doesn’t taste like alcohol, but it has alcohol in it. is that possible? or is that... impossible?” lucas was slurring his words and talking a little too fast. he paused, giggling at himself before covering his mouth with his hand and turning away from ki. “what would you suggest?”

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

   while it’s not nearing closing time, it is nearing the end of kijoon’s shift. he’s always a little more chipper so late into the night, dreaming of returning home. it’s a small, dark, lonely apartment, but so much better than the alternative. it’s one of the only nights he has free away from the wandering hands of someone it pains him to be around. and just when he thinks nothing can ruin his good mood, he’s hit with the classic please cover my shift text, and kijoon knows he’s lucky if he gets three hours of sleep tonight before he has to work again. but he’s too nice to say no nowadays. “what do you want?” he mumbles, staring into the glass he’s drying as someone clears their throat nearby.

ashton had already visited a few other bars and got thrown out of one, so he was definitely not in the right state of mind as he wandered into the next one on the same street. at first, he hadn’t even noticed kijoon behind the bar, but as soon as he spoke, he turned his head in ki’s direction. leaning against the bar as a way to keep himself steady, he kept his eyes on ki and just gave him a drunken grin when they made eye contact. “hey there,” he let out a drunken laugh before messing with his hair, letting it fall over his forehead in a messy way before placing the arm back on the bar. “anything on special? two for one? friends and exes discount?” he laughed at his own joke, finally sitting down on the stool since it was either that or fall on his ass right there. “whiskey, babe.” he finally answered before staying silent for only long enough for ki to get the drink. “how’s... your kid? whatever their name is.” he said, waving his hand as if the question was asked out of politeness instead of actual curiosity.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

“i’m just playing.” changmin tells the stranger defensively, his pout more prominent the longer he thinks about what the other is saying. it’s a good point, but he’s always thought he can play it off easy, maybe pretend that he’s filming, or just an edgy fault in our stars fan. “if augustus waters could do it, why can’t i?!” changmin’s voice gets louder and higher in pitch, though his words are muffled by the cigarette still in his mouth. he spits it to the ground, staring ruefully after it once he realises what he’s done. damn. he’s only got a few left, too, and he has to be extra careful about purchasing cigarettes. he’s sure his company would have something to say about it, especially if it does end up ruining his voice. but the more people tell him to stop doing it, the more it makes him want to. “yeah?” changmin’s eyes widen. just like that, he’s tucking bratty channie away in favour of eyeing the stranger – the stranger calling him babe…cute – and flirting back. it doesn’t matter whether the boy is a fan or not. changmin likes knowing that the stories of him flirting with people who recognise him will be passed down through the fandom at a later date. he leans forwards with his elbows on his knees, cradling his chin in the palm of his hand. “there’s plenty of other things i do that can ruin my voice. wanna take a guess, beautiful? you look like the kind of guy that knows exactly what i’m talking about.” he offers as serious an expression as he can manage if only to see if he can get hyeon the slightest bit flustered, but it doesn’t last long. changmin is hardly seen without a smile, even one as bright and cheeky as the one he sports now.

hyeon wasn’t the biggest reader, but thankfully he had seen the movie and knew the reference. but still, he could only scoff, knowing that was a lame excuse and highly unlikely. though, he couldn’t fight back the small smile that forced its way onto his lips when the other’s voice shifted higher and louder. it was cute. hyeon was feeling somewhat in control of whatever was going on, but that changed in less than a second as the other was leaning forward and speaking. his heart was pounding and he could feel his cheeks heating up. it wasn’t often that his advanced actually worked. plus, it was changmin. hyeon rarely got speechless... but here he was. all he could do was grin and chuckle, fingers pulling through his hair in order to buy himself some time. “i-i,” he stuttered, causing him to quickly stop talking and clear his throat. eyes finally shifted back to changmin and he took another shot at talking, “i might but...” he paused, giving changmin a very very obvious once over and biting at his lip in an attempt to be seductive. successful? not likely. “you might need to tell me,” he spoke, a little bit too much effort put into sounding charming and flirty, but it was better than the stuttering that he had been doing previously. “or maybe you could show me,” he added, cheeks still burning hot and tinted red, and his own words weren’t helping that. hyeon wasn’t sure if his ‘act’ would work when  his face and his slightly shaky hands gave away the nervousness and butterflies he felt in his stomach. why butterflies? hell he didn’t even know, but he couldn’t deny that feeling.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

THERE IS AN eerie calm about jonah as he kicks his feet up on the bench. they’re in the park – he and his unnamed companion – and jonah tucks his cat’s leash beside his head as though she hasn’t just managed to slip out of her collar and disappear. the one time he doesn’t make her wear a harness, this happens. but he’s fine. he knows that she’ll return sooner or later. “sorry, did you wanna sit too?” but he doesn’t move his long legs out of the way as he asks, stretching out as though he is a cat himself.

mija narrowed her gaze on his legs, running through a few different options in her head as she tried to decide how to handle the situation. her eyes flickered up to his face when he spoke, causing her to roll her eyes and smirk. “of course i do. but don’t move,” she pushed him so that he was on his back on the bench, allowing her to sit on his legs in a way that may or may not be the most comfortable for him. reaching into her hoodie pocket, mija grabbed out a joint that had been previous rolled prior to her leaving the apartment and she placed it between her lips. “can cats get high?” she wondered out loud while searching for her lighter to get a slow burn going on the tip. “maybe i should share this with cat,” she continued to speak out loud, looking around for jonah’s cat but spotting the empty collar, she let out a sigh, “nevermind then,” she mumbled. “do you want to share?” she asked, taking a hit for herself before holding it out towards him, allowing him to take a hit if he wanted. “what are you doing tonight by the way?” she wondered.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

THERE IS AN eerie calm about jonah as he kicks his feet up on the bench. they’re in the park – he and his unnamed companion – and jonah tucks his cat’s leash beside his head as though she hasn’t just managed to slip out of her collar and disappear. the one time he doesn’t make her wear a harness, this happens. but he’s fine. he knows that she’ll return sooner or later. “sorry, did you wanna sit too?” but he doesn’t move his long legs out of the way as he asks, stretching out as though he is a cat himself.

as much as jonah got under his skin, hyeon still found himself around the boy more than he cared to admit. maybe it was because hyeon didn’t make friends too easily, and they were more alike than it may have seemed. still, that didn’t mean that every little thing jonah did sometimes didn’t get under his skin. like now. as jonah moved his feet to block hyeon from sitting down and he just groaned, almost a whine, like a child not getting his way. “move your stupid feet, jonah,” he stated before taking it upon himself to wrap his hand around the back of his calves and push his legs off of the bench, not caring where jonah would end up. “i said i wanted to go to the shops, not the park. and they are not the same thing.” hyeon fell back against the bench and brushed a hand through his hair. “we are still stopping by somewhere to get you an outfit for this weekend. i don’t care if i have to drag you there,” he huffed, grabbing his phone from his back pocket and using the camera app as a mirror to fix his hair. he had done too much walking today and he just hoped that wasn’t obvious in his appearance.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

“ah, come on. how many times do you really get an opportunity to do this in your life?” jaehwa grins brightly at the person beside him. he’s managed to land a list of nearby abandoned places that most people know nothing about, though he’s had to do so by some questionable means. he has to entertain himself somehow when he’s not hacking as a job. “i promise it’s safe. you got your jacket?”

“i just said give me five second, jae. i’m not going to some abandoned place in this,” she stated, gesturing to the outfit she had originally put on. a night of stealing wallets and stealing hearts was quickly interrupted at the mention of exploring abandoned places. changing into something more suited for the occasion, she pulled on her boots to finish off the all black look before grabbing jae’s hand, “it’s not fucking safe, if it was safe i wouldn’t be going with  you right now, so don’t lie,” she smirked. mija let go of his hand ass he turned to walk backwards in front of him, “so where’s the first place? these places are haunted as well right? the more ghosts the better. i’m trying to find my dead husband tonight, jae. don’t let me down.”

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

“ah, come on. how many times do you really get an opportunity to do this in your life?” jaehwa grins brightly at the person beside him. he’s managed to land a list of nearby abandoned places that most people know nothing about, though he’s had to do so by some questionable means. he has to entertain himself somehow when he’s not hacking as a job. “i promise it’s safe. you got your jacket?”

lucas was panicking. eyes seemed wider as he looked at jae with a sort of uncertainty. and that was exactly what he was feeling. “i-i-i know... but...” he tried to think of another excuse for not going besides ‘i’m scared’, but he couldn’t even think straight when jae was in the room with him with he wasn’t nervous. now, he was struggling even more. “jae...” he whined, barely audible as he grabbed his jacket. “it’s abandoned... it’s... how safe can it be?” he walked over to jae now, pulling his jacket onto his arms and then telling himself not to freak out. telling himself that this would somehow impress jae and maybe he would think he was cool. cool enough to maybe hang out with more. and maybe... “nevermind. okay... let’s go,” he said with a firm nod and a forced smile. lucas let his eyes find jae’s, hoping they would give away just how scared he was.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

“i don’t,” nobody is wondering, but it doesn’t stop changmin from opening his mouth to speak anyway. his brothers often say he has an issue with shutting up, but he’s met worse people. “i don’t smoke.” he clarifies, again, as if it matters, when really he’s trying to preserve even a little of his cutesy, flawless image in case the wrong people may be looking. changmin moves the cigarette around in his mouth, following it with his gaze. he almost forgets the other person. almost. “anyway, i do have others, and a lighter, if you need one.” but he doesn’t smoke, remember? “do you? need one, i mean? i don’t got all day…” changmin’s lower lip juts out in a pout.

jordan walked over to changmin and before he could even open his mouth he was already talking. of course. but it was like he knew what he was going to ask in the first place. “yeah...” he responded, moving to sit next to him and an arm resting against the back of the bench behind changmin. “some people dig the raspy voice, but i don’t think it would suit you,” jordan spoke while quickly reaching a hand up to pluck the cigarette from his lips and placing it between his own. he didn’t smoke often, and since being in barcelona he had cut down even more, but when it was offered to him he couldn’t exactly say no. “a lighter would be great, babe,” he smirked, eyebrow slightly arched when spotting the cute pout on his lips. “what’s the pout for, min?” he asked, reaching forward to run his thumb along his bottom lip in an attempt to rid his pout or maybe it was just an excuse to get closer to him. who knows.

[kiillingme-blog1]

mistvkcn‌:

…”Are you even hearing what you’re saying?” Mikey spoke out of the blue, clearly interrupting the other person’s conversation. “seriously do you hear yourself when you’re speaking or are you simply stupid?” 

lucas stopped dead in his tracks when mikey spoke up. he stuttered out a few noises, not sure how he could respond after that comment. his cheeks were burning red and when he was able to mutter out a few words, his voice was shaky, “i-i just... needed to um, i needed to work through some things. i’m sorry... i don’t realize i’m talking sometimes,” he tried to explain, biting his lip nervously as he forced himself to look at mikey for just a second before turning his gaze to the table. “are you mad at me?” he asked, like a child asking his parents the exact same question when they have done something wrong.

[kiillingme-blog1]

softlcvers‌:

Jaekuk sighed, he had to get away from his brother. He was tired of playing the barrier between the two, who can’t seem to stop fighting, at all. Being the middle child was the worst. He sunk down into a bench and groaned, “Family sucks, especially when you work with them.”

lucas looked up from his notebook when the other spoke, chewing on the inside of his lower lip before giving a small, awkward laugh in response. being an only child, lucas didn’t have much to say in regards to the subject matter, but that wasn’t going to stop him from rambling about something in order to make up for the few seconds of silence. “i always wanted a sibling. an older brother... which wouldn’t be possible. i also thought about a younger sister but then i didn’t like thinking about her growing up and dating,” he laughed, eyes shifting down to his notebook, doodling a few things in the corner while he spoke, “is working with them that bad? i mean... do you all butt heads a lot? i thought maybe siblings would have similar ideas and make things easier. i guess not.” lucas bit his lip, shutting himself up and taking a second to breathe.

[kiillingme-blog1]

softlcvers‌:

Jaekuk sighed, he had to get away from his brother. He was tired of playing the barrier between the two, who can’t seem to stop fighting, at all. Being the middle child was the worst. He sunk down into a bench and groaned, “Family sucks, especially when you work with them.”

ashton turned from the small bottle of whiskey in his hand, not even bothering to hide it as he sipped on it occasionally – enough to maintain a buzz. unfortunately, during his brief period in the world of korean music, he was aware of most of the current groups, so jaekuk’s group was no different. still, there was a bit of bitterness towards everyone in that world considering his own experience was less than ideal. “lifes sucks doesn’t it, pretty boy?” he raised a brow, small pinch of sarcasm mixed in with a dash of flirting, but it was all overpowered by a cup of envy. fingered pulled through his blonde hair before returning back to the bottle in his hands in order to lift it to his lips for a few sips. “anything else to complain about? too much money? too many fans? dick too big?” he chuckled, holding the bottle out, “how rude of me, would you like some? it’s great for drowning your sorrows.”

[kiillingme-blog1]

mistvkcn‌:

He wasn’t expecting to see her here. In fact, he wasn’t expecting seeing at all after he abruptly ended things between them but there she was, standing in front of him. His features were frozen as he played his best poker face and folded his arms on his chest, as if he was protecting himself. “What are you doing here?” he simply asked as if it wasn’t even that much of a deal but it was. “didn’t think you were interested in barcelona” he added with bitterness almost dripping from his words.

@kiillingme

mija wasn’t trying to find mikey, but it was just her fucking luck to run into him in a different country. after things had ended between them in a less than pleasant way, mija had to tell herself to keep her distance. not because she wanted to try and get back with him, but because she wanted to make his life a living hell, and that wouldn’t be healthy for either one of them. “of to go pick some flowers and make a flower crown, care to join me, petal?” she replied in a sickly sweet tone, smile just as forced before it all faded away. she crossed her arms over her chest and looked up at him with a raised brow, “you didn’t know a lot about me, mikey. hard to care about other people when you have your head so far up your own ass, isn’t it?” despite her words, she couldn’t help but let her eyes linger on him and compare how he looked now to the last time she saw him. he still had a way of making her heart accelerate, but that might be because of anger instead of love. “how’s the family? still pretending to be the perfect son when we both know you are far from it?”

[kiillingme-blog1]

ofminhyun‌:

there was no way he could have prevented the faint blush that soon appeared on his already rosy cheeks when the other spoke, normal reaction for him whenever he was nervous … or taken off guard. this time, both reasons were working in this situation. no one could really blame him, taken or not … it always made him quite bubbly inside when someone was obviously flirting with him. but then again, there was no ways he’d keep it going. he wasn’t THAT type of person.

“ you want me to give you a massage too ?? “

he wondered with his eyes fixed on the other male, not missing the way he would bite on his bottom lip. which he did too before pulling off his sweater only to stay in one of his many white t-shirt. for a long time, he wanted to pull it off because of the warmth but only ended up doing it now.

“is that not a fair request, babe?” he asked with a small tilt of his head, plump lips spreading into a smirk as he kept his gaze on minhyun. as he pulled the sweater off, jordan couldn’t help but turn his gaze down to admire more than just his face. between the small blush on the other’s face and the way he bit at his lip, he was only fueling the flirting from jordan. “want a preview before you say yes or no?” he asked, already moving to rest a hand on the other’s shoulder and turn him so that his back was facing him.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

there’s a fight in the local cafe. it’s not like huan is a stranger to fights – he’s witnessed a lot of them in pubs he’s frequented since transferring here – but he’s never had to see one here. he sneaks a glance at the pair, watching stealthily until they’re removed from the premises. with the glass still against his lips, he shifts his gaze to the person standing closest to him and gives a somewhat awkward smile. “glad that wasn’t us, huh?”

jordan was preoccupied with talking up someone nearby when the fight started, and while he didn’t care, the girl he was talking to do. as it was her boyfriend and another guy. groaning as she ran off to try and break up the fight until someone else stepped in to remove them from the cafe. jordan’s attention was back on huan now, grabbing his iced coffee and sipping on it with an annoyed look on his face. “yeah... but why did it have to be her boyfriend? i was so close to getting her number,” he complained. turning to huan and finally chuckling, he continued, “you wouldn’t even have a chance if it was us though. you’re a twig compared to me,” he teased, nudging the other with his elbow.

[kiillingme-blog1]

svdbcys‌:

“i don’t,” nobody is wondering, but it doesn’t stop changmin from opening his mouth to speak anyway. his brothers often say he has an issue with shutting up, but he’s met worse people. “i don’t smoke.” he clarifies, again, as if it matters, when really he’s trying to preserve even a little of his cutesy, flawless image in case the wrong people may be looking. changmin moves the cigarette around in his mouth, following it with his gaze. he almost forgets the other person. almost. “anyway, i do have others, and a lighter, if you need one.” but he doesn’t smoke, remember? “do you? need one, i mean? i don’t got all day…” changmin’s lower lip juts out in a pout.

hyeon had been glancing his way for the past few minutes, avoiding the other’s gaze in order to not seem so... starstruck. he wasn’t going to pass up the chance to talk to him, though hyeon wasn’t well versed in initiating conversations, and the conversations he did seem to have never seemed to paint him as someone that others’ wanted to be around for more than five minutes. still, hyeon found him walking towards him without much more thought with a semi-charming smirk on his face. it seemed to fade though the moment changmin opened his mouth though. raising a brow, his eyes shifted to the cigarette that he hadn’t seemed to take much notice to beforehand, but now that was all he seemed to be focused on. he didn’t know how long he had just been standing there, but it had to be at least ten seconds. “uh... no,” he replied simply, lip tucked between his teeth as he pulled his gaze back up to changmin’s eyes. “might not want to just... sit here with a cigarette between your lips. you know.. if you don’t smoke. people might start to get the wrong idea,” he smirked now noticing the pout on his face, “plus it would ruin your voice, babe.” so close. 

[just-bibin]