Even If You Can't See It

Depression is real. Help yourself. Help a friend, Love yourself again.

[killme-illbleed-blog]

BROKEN HEARTED RADIO.

My boyfriend and I just broke up. I have to say, It has been a very, very rough week. I had started to have a crush on him when school started this year and we started dating in late October a week or 2 after he broke up with a nice girl named Lacy who is a grade ahead of us. For a while, he continued to act like we were still just friends... casual. Then as time came he began acting more and more like an actual boyfriend. Over the past 4 months, we have grown very close but I’ve become busier and busier and it came to the point where all we had was 10 minutes at the end of the day. And he does not own a phone. Not talking a lot and arguing was mixing me up a little too much. His ex, Lacy and I were sorta close. So I talked about this with her many times. Then I came up with the decision... to let him go so he could find someone with more time and effort for him than me. I loved him so much and I still do but I felt like this would be the right decision. I WAS WRONG. As soon as I broke up with him... LACY started dating him... again... and she rubbed it all in my face. What the f*ck kinda friend is that?... I know I broke up with him, but now, I've lost someone I thought I knew too. It hurts... so, so, so bad. I just know that I’m not gonna be dating for a very very long time.

[killme-illbleed-blog]

It's not just a breakup... It's a self-teaching-moment.

Me

[killme-illbleed-blog]

The Day baby saved me

 I was at church last Sunday night for youth group. That day was just a hang out day, so we could do whatever we wanted in the gym, and youth room. Literally anything. My boyfriend’s brother (Let’s call him Joe), made him upset which somehow lead me and my boyfriend into an argument. So it stayed like that for 2 hours. We had about 2 and a half hours in general. He decided to try to leave since he had to walk home after church anyways. That made me upset so I borrowed our best friend’s phone to text him, which of course, he didn't answer. As suspected. Then “Joe” comes up to me and says, “He’s waiting in the hallway next to the bathrooms for you.”  I was so confused. Why did he come back? How did his brother know? So, the hallway is out these double doors where the lights were off. (We weren't really supposed o be in there unless we had to use the bathroom) There has always been these 2 chairs in front of the girls bathrooms and when I walked into the hallway that's where he was sitting. I almost started crying because I thought he was gonna break up with me and I think he noticed because, he got up and wrapped his arms around me saying, “I'm sorry... I'm right here...I'm sorry, I love you.”  I kind of backed up a bit and we both leaned in at the same time and kissed. “I love you.” I said. Then he said. “I love you to but I'm not gonna stay... I gotta go home, I cant deal with everyone else after tonight.” I nodded yes as he let go and before he went out the back door I hugged him and told him bye. Then I walked into the bathrooms and my older friend from high school, walked out of a stall. “So, why was he outside of the bathrooms?”  (I was standing in front of the mirror fixing my hair before I went back to the gym. I smiled) “He wanted to apologize before he had to go.” I replied and I walked back out to the gym where his brother and our best friend were. I was smiling but I didn't notice. “They made out!” His brother said laughing. “Oh my lord, Macy!” my bestfriend jumped out of the seat. “Not exactly!” I said. I was still smiling and I'm pretty sure I would be for the rest of the night.  AND YES, THIS IS A TRUE STORY

[killme-illbleed-blog]

If you do it... I’ll do it too.

A few days ago, I was talking to my boyfriend. Showed him some cuts on my knee. Then, he made me think. He said, “Baby, whatever you do to yourself, I’m gonna do to myself, period. No argument.”   Then I thought... “Well, I don't want him to do that... he doesn't want me to do it either. So, I won’t cut myself anymore. No more.” and ever since, I haven't done it. Because, I don't want someone I love to feel like I do. Not hurt like I do.

[killme-illbleed-blog]

FREAKING HELP ME OR BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Me

[killme-illbleed-blog]

Silently Screaming

Parent: Good morning! Ready for school?

Me: Yeah! (No help me)

Best Friend: Hay! You ok?

Me: Hell yeah bro! (NO HELP ME)

Teacher: Hay, how was your day yesterday?

Me: It was great! (NOT GOOD. PLEASE HELP ME)

Consoler: Hay! How was your week?

Me: It was ok. (SOMEONE FREAKING HELP ME)

*Then the weekend rolls around, your best friend comes over*

Best Friend: Are you sure your ok? I know a lot has been going on... I just, didn't know how to ask you, with our people around.

Me: (YES PLEASE HELP!) *You start to cry* Finally someone noticed...

Best Friend: Hay I'm right here...

(But explaining it never makes the demons go away. NEVER. YOU FEEL STUCK. TRAPPED. HELP ME YOU THINK YOUR SCREAMING, YOUR NOT. IF YOU HAVE DEPRESSION SPEAK THE HELL UP. PLEASE.)

[killme-illbleed-blog]

I'm so tired, of being... FINE.

me