like attracts like / wash your hands / especially the wrong one / where have your fingers been? / you know how germs spread / you know sickness runs in the family / you know better than to play in the dirt / you know you don’t have insurance
I have decided that KILL SEZN will be postponed until next year.
I’ve realized that in order for KILL SEZN to be executed to the standard initially envisioned, much more work needed to be done, more work than my current capacity and resources allow.
I promise, however, that this is not the end.
The entire point of KILL SEZN was to learn and mature as an artist and as a person. To fall in love once again with the creative process. In an effort to be more fair to my body, mind and spirit, I am refusing to allow this project to exist as anything less than what I know it could (and should,) be.
I refuse to endure feeling defeated and embarrassed by what would surely be a rushed and unfinished event that started grand in scope and ended watered down and quickly forgotten. I refuse to become again overwhelmed and allowing that to impact the vision I have.
I’m doing this out of love, not fear.
Again, this is not me quitting on this project.
In the next year, I will reevaluate and refine the work I’ve already done, building upon it, making even more connections and becoming more prepared to make this event happen.
I will return wiser and more confident. I will return with better and more concise work. I will return focused and excited to present to the world something amazing. Something I’m proud of.
In planning this event I wonder how prepared I am to deliver on what I hope to achieve.
I must and will continue to affirm myself in order to sustain this momentum.
YOU’VE MADE PROMISES YOU MUST KEEP...
Sometimes it seems easy to forget that this project isn’t just for me -- It’s for everyone who helped me reach this point as an artist and human being. It is a return on the investment of love and support I’ve been given all of these years. I will not fail thee who have selflessly given me more than what I deserve.
I must do this! I’ve doubted myself more than anyone else has doubted me. Everyone I’m surrounded by seems to know that I’m capable of this...There’s no evidence that I know any better than they do!
I’m ready to sacrifice whatever time I have to propel this project and make it a reality. Failure is unthinkable...moving backwards is unforgivable.
Kill Sezn was born out of frustration with my surroundings, my silence on certain topics and my mistakes.
YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST, ONLY THE CONDITIONS...
I am sorrowful, regretful, depressed and utterly disappointed with myself. The atrocious neglect of myself, my family, my friends and partners keeps me awake. I cannot change what I’ve done. No, I cannot retrieve the happiness once within my reach. With my remaining time however, there’s hope and opportunity to at least understand and heal.
I WILL SPEAK ON IT...
I will no longer suppress my voice in favor of the chaos that silent complacency brings. I will no longer bow to demands that are unreasonable and unfair to those I love. They deserve better! We deserve better!
I WILL CHALLENGE MYSELF...
No more wishing for change and putting nothing into action. I must remember the shock of discomfort will be outshone by the thrill of transformation. Adversity is a natural byproduct of progression. Embrace this, John.
I WILL SERVE...
Little has been asked of me and I have seldom delivered. No more. I will toil until everything aches, until nothing but my smile is unbroken. It is time for a return on the investment of energy and labor that I’ve carelessly come to expect on everyone else’s behalf. More intention! More focus! More discipline!
I WILL NOT FORGET...
Shame haunts me but I am no longer running from it. It is my truth, and the truth cannot be discarded and buried. I have done ill. I have betrayed the trust of those I’ve loved, twice over. I have cheated them out of the love they deserved for my own gain, out of cowardice and lust. This is who I am, but not who I must always be -- I can refuse to continue this cycle. I would rather die than forget.
“A broken instrument can produce no music except that which others, ruined as they are, may appreciate.”
vaporwave
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