100 Dates

Calgary to Toronto transplantee; dating in her thirties... Four legged lover. Men addict. Creative writing hobbist. Key to life = being resilient.

[kimbaavd]

Dating Log, Feb.23 2017

Almost two months into 2017, this is my first post of the year. Sadly, still single...despite over two dozen dates last year Kimba is still banging her head against the 21st century dating wall. Is it me? Is it online dating that isn't my jam? Or maybe all the decent, normal, good looking men are already taken and us single gals are just left with douche nation? Well I'm definitely finding myself wading in those waters...take my last date for example..

We'll call him 'Chuck'. I met Chuck on OkCupid, (as Tinder is obviously completely now overrun with sapio, pan, poly and whatever other sexual orientated riff raff are out there today) which I've given a whirl before and thought maybe this time the riff raff had moved on to a more trendy medium of the day. Chuck was super hot (first red flag), 6'3", half Asian half white, man bun, fully tattooed and a whole bunch of fun. I was immediately attracted to him. We had our first date on Thursday night - we met at a super cute snackbar in our hood, another attractive thing about Chuck is that he lived 2 blocks from me, and also owned a small Chihuahua! OMG right?! Perf guy! I was stoked.

Thursday was fun, I promised myself I wouldn't get too drunk as sometimes I've done before, in which case slutty Kimba shows up and ruins everything. He on the other hand had 6 tall boys and was on the road to becoming Americas next Top drunk date. But wow what an amazing, boisterous, charismatic personality he had...by the third hour he was telling me how amazing I was and that he wanted to get to know me better. Score Kimba. I got home at a decent hour that eve, not without a bit of a makeout sesh and my ass grabbed multiple times, yum. I liked him.

The next day, no word from him. My spidey senses were tingling like mad...I knew this feeling before. Had I been played, again?? Fuck. The next came and nothing as well...My anxiety and I caved around midnight the Saturday night, (after I had a few drinks) I sent him a message saying I wanted to see him that night. I know not the best opener but it was the truth. He finally messaged me the following night! Like honestly, fucking 12 hour response times in this day and age when everyone and their fucking dog are glued to their phones...it's not cool. At this point I'm ready to block delete the shit out of this guy...but after consulting with my trusty dating coach and close friend Karen, she encouraged me to give it one more shot.

So to wrap this long winded post up, we went for brunch on the Monday afternoon. Same course of events happened like the date before, we laughed, we got drunk, he gushed about me and proclaimed he didn't want to go on anymore online dates and proceeded to delete all of the dating apps on his phone right in front of me! Told me how he's never met anyone like me before and that he's so excited to go on this 'adventure' with me blah blah blah. After a 4 hour date, we left the restaurant arm in arm, kissed goodbye, I felt amazing. He txt me as soon as he got home "I fucking miss you already"...we exchanged a few more gushing messages and said goodnight.

Flash forward 48 hours...radio silence. I messaged him saying "It's been 2 days you brat where you hiding?"...zip, no response. It's now been three days and nothing. I know this dating game pretty fucking well...if a guy is into me he'll be in touch a hell of a lot quicker than 72 hours. Kimba got played. Hard. Again. Goddammit! Curse you hot men everywhere!! What happened? What did I do was my first thought..and how could I be such an idiot and fall for such shit.

Even if/when he reaches out, I'm over it and deserve better - I won't be replying. As the beautiful dating expert Matthew Hussey says "Disinterest equals closure" it stings like a mother and cripples my optimistic attitude for a fleeting moment...but after a few bumble matches I'm feeling better already.

[kimbaavd]

0% match obvi..

[kimbaavd]

No Philip, I will not swipe right on you

[kimbaavd]

Trust Your Gut

Hands down, the biggest thing we continually do as women is ignore our gut. Our natural God given basic instinct to weed out danger, poor Instagram filters, selfie lighting and of course douche bags. This ‘gift’ we all have is inherently within us since the day we are born, given to protect us and lead us towards safety, happiness and fulfillment. So why oh why does a 35 year old woman like myself, whose been single for the last few years and thus been on countless dates still refuse to listen to it? 

Hope. Never ceasing hope.

Hope that he might not really be the douche we sense him to be. Hope that when he asks us to spend the night at his place after the first date that he really isn’t just looking for sex, he just really likes us a lot. Hope, that he could be ‘the one’  and our search and all the meaningless dating will finally be over. Because after all, we are tired, discouraged and especially exhausted by the entire modern day dating scene, with all it’s swiping drama. 

Hope that when after sleeping with you for the first time, then quickly showers and asks to use your perfume before he leaves at 10p on a Friday night - that he really is just going home because he’s tired. Not at all because he has another woman at home waiting for him to get home from ‘work’. Pffft nah, no way he would never do that to you...his ‘princess’ his ‘dream’ ..as he called you earlier.

Well here’s a wake up call Miss Kimba; you better start listening to your gut the instant it gives you the spidey sense alert to the brain - or you’re going to be single at 40, living with 5 chihuahuas and 50 lbs overweight.

[kimbaavd]

Just because you have a monster sized cock, doesn't mean you own the world...

-Zena

[kimbaavd]

"I'm going to have a nap, I'll txt you later.."

Gentlemen. Your attention please. When you make a date with a woman early in the week and then a few hours before you get all wish-washy and say 'the weather is really getting me down, I'm feeling lazy..' DO NOT expect an obliging response from us. Respect our time.

Delete.

[kimbaavd]

Feel like you're going to be single forever? Nah. Steve Harvey says it best ladies..

"You've got to wait on this guy to come along. He's coming. He's out there. He's already created. God has already made him," he says. "He has a job. He's wearing the clothes you like. He's walking around. You're not waiting on him to be born. He exists today. All you've got to do is stay patient."

-Steve Harvey

[kimbaavd]

“I'm here to tell you, though, ladies that the term "gold digger" is one of the traps we men set to keep you off our money trail; we created that term for you so that we can have all our money and still get everything we want from you without you asking for or expecting this very basic, instincual responsibility that men all over the world are obligated to assume and embrace. ... KNOW THIS: It is your right to expect that a man will pay for your dinner, your movie ticket, your club entry fee, or whatever else he has to pay for in exhange for your time.” ― Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment

[kimbaavd]

A semicolon in a text message is the equivalent of putting on makeup to go to the gym.

[kimbaavd]

'Dumb ways to die' nails it again. Watch thee most adorable April Fools video here

[kimbaavd]

The GINGER

I dated a ginger once. He had amazing thick hair and stood 6"3"...he was 38 and had never been married (red flag #1). As one of the older men I've dated; I liked the idea of being with a MAN man, rather than a boy child (I'll remind you I'm 33). After all he was a VP of a sports company and appeared to have his proverbial ginger shit together...I was pumped, now THIS is the kind of guy I should be dating (see Plumber story below ugh).

However, like all good prospects they soon rear their actual ginger heads and throw you for a dirty ginger toilet loop - or tell you during sex that they want to "fuck you when your pregnant" (red flag #2)...hmm that's kinda weird.  Anyway one night, we went back to his condo and within seconds I knew it was over (final red flag #3). It was a kid shack; somewhere a 18 yr old lives when he's just moved outta his parents house. Dirty ginger dishes piled in the sink, socks/shoes strewn about, the few pieces of furniture that he did have were shabby, old and wooden...shabby like at your grandparent's house back in the 80's when it had that old people smell. Ugh. We couldn't even make out properly on the nasty shabby ginger couch because the cushions kept popping out. Honestly, you're driving a $60k car and you can't afford to get your ginger ass to IKEA and buy some half decent furniture?

I retreated to the bathroom to get myself together. And OMG the mere fact that he willingly let me go in there without giving me a heads up on the state of that toilet is beyond me (final, final red flag). That fucking toilet most likely hadn't been cleaned in MONTHS, ginger algae had moved on in and taken over that bowl like no tomorrow. The sink and floor were covered with little ginger hairs, well...everywhere...no soap to wash your hands, no proper hand towel, nothing on the walls. It was like a gas station washroom on a native reserve.

If you're 21 and just starting out on your own that's one thing but when your a full grown adult man that is simply not fucking cool. Especially when you know a woman is coming over and you actually MIGHT get laid (which he didn't). It's one of the first things I do before I have a guy at my place, I clean my bathroom - do the dishes, clean up. Jesus. Anyway it didn't last too much longer after that, he turned out to have some serious mental issues (shocking) and we silently parted ways.

Weirdo.

[kimbaavd]

One of my favorite post modern love blogs...lets me know I'm not the only one thinking of the same shit. Have a look

[kimbaavd]

The time I got slapped in the face with a d*ck

'The Plumber'

Of all the dates I've had in the last 3 months, this one definitely takes the cake on douche-baginess. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't encourage the following behavior to some degree but at the end of the day come on....really??

It was a blisteringly cold Friday night, I had met 'The Plumber' on Tinder a few days prior and he seemed attractive enough...had a lot of mirror shirtless selfies (MSS) which raised a red flag but in this day and age who isn't enthusiastically posting their #cockinasock or their #titsinmits online?? The pickins are getting slimmer and slimmer by the iOS update...So when he asked me out for a drink at a nearby pub, I agreed more out of the sheer fact I had nothing better to do than freeze in my shitty apartment...so meh, why not go out for some dating entertainment? (Spoken like a true serial dater)

I show up to the pub and immediately realize that 'The Plumber' is definitely just a plumber ...he fit every blue collar tradesman stereotype I'd ever heard of; crooked teeth, unintelligent, awful style, poor grammar (used words like 'slayed') and held absolutely nothing in common with me. He was however 6'4" and had a pretty decent bod so I decided to cut my losses and sleep with him.

We go back to his version of an adult living space (a.k.a the kidshack), where I quickly came to discover that the toilet didn't flush...ya he's a fucking plumber, what the fuck?. Plus the kidshack didn't have any heat...this was fantastic on a -30C night. May I remind you this guy is 33 and divorced, he should know better. Whatever, I'm slightly drunk and in need of some man skin...So we get into it, clothes start drunkingly getting peeled off, belt buckles come loose and next thing you know we're naked. He moves to get on top of me, but before he does he slowly moves toward my face, grabs his dick and decides to slap me in the face two times with it. Uh...I'm so stunned and degraded my response is frozen. Did that just happen? Did I just get slapped in the face with a dick? Feeling like a total prostitute I remain silent, fake an orgasm and finish the deed. 

That was the first and only time that happened to me. I started thinking, is this a normal thing that I just didn't get the memo on? Was that supposed to turn me on? Maybe he just wanted me to give him a blow job? I dunno...I wait 5 mins till he's snoring like a banchee and high tail it outta there around 5am...my pride in tow.

I awake at home the next morning feeling disgusting and filled with regret - I quickly go to the mirror to make sure I don't have a dick imprinted on my forehead.

Phew, that was a close one.