MS Chronicles

[kimdsmith76]

#naturalhair Well I’ve done it. No more hair. Needed something I could keep up with one hand. (at North Long Beach, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGDsNDcFhqP/?igshid=kzq13pr3ymz4

[kimdsmith76]

Sensuality

What do you find sensual

Is it the soft kiss on your neck

Or the way he holds you from behind

Is it the gentle kisses on your back

Or is it the look in his eyes when he’s looking down at you in the bed

The gentle way he touches your arm

The sense of security when he touches you and holds you close

I want to be loved

Held like he used too, like he can’t live without me

Now I sit in a sea of nothingness

No passionate kisses, no being held

Nothing....

Is it because of the walker?

The cane?

That I can’t do for myself anymore

I am so frustrated

Sooo tired

I’m hurting because I can’t fix myself

I’m stuck, and I just want to be loved

[kimdsmith76]

Sensuality

What do you find sensual

Is it the soft kiss on your neck

Or the way he holds you from behind

Is it the gentle kisses on your back

Or is it the look in his eyes when he’s looking down at you in the bed

The gentle way he touches your arm

The sense of security when he touches you and holds you close

I want to be loved

Held like he used too, like he can’t live without me

Now I sit in a sea of nothingness

No passionate kisses, no being held

Nothing....

Is it because of the walker?

The cane?

That I can’t do for myself anymore

I am so frustrated

Sooo tired

I’m hurting because I can’t fix myself

I’m stuck, and I just want to be loved

[kimdsmith76]

“Till Death do us part. In sickness and health”

Is that really a thing anymore

You get sick and everyone wants to leave

Do you think that makes it any easier for the person suffering

Turn the other cheek

I got you babe

Does it mean anything when the person doesn’t feel love

When they’re left to wonder

When the world is closing in around them

You make me feel like shit

Like I was just a passing fancy and The shininess is gone

Ride or die, that’s what you got

24hrs when you were in the hospital

But not me

I know I said you could leave, but you didn’t put up a fight

You see me struggling, but I’m lazy. Lazy!!!

For once I wish you could see my struggle

Feel my struggle, cause I’ve got a snake on my back

Some days the snake is just there, other days he tightens his grip to let me know he’s still there

With you it’s a snake with a bowl of onions

Onions to make me cry

To let me know he’s not gone

He’s there with me for always, whether you’re there are not

And you just stare and don’t warn me, or try to get him off

Cause you’re lucky enough to be able to have your own desires

But mine is just to be loved

[kimdsmith76]

Yesterday I went to the hair dresser and got my hair braided. I love it! Too bad when you have MS you don’t feel the way you look. Everything hurts all the time. I’m married and my husband and I don’t have a physical relationship anymore. It sucks! Laying in a bed next to a man that won’t touch you! I’m a Scorpio for god’s sake. MS or not, I still have needs.

[kimdsmith76]

#naturalhair Well I decided it was time for the fro. It’s growing, so we’ll see where it goes. Should have taken the picture yesterday when it was fresh (at Long Beach, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBrNR7GBRQ0/?igshid=1jnu6kq57lzxh

[kimdsmith76]

Who am I?

Running a 6-min mile

Rockin’ 4in” heels

Wearing short dresses and having great legs

Lady in the street and a freak in the sheets

Sassy and sexy

Desired and pursued

Who am I

Limping on a good day

Walking with a cane on a bad one

Loosing 40lbs, despite the fact that I eat crap

Lots of stress, though I try to stay positive

Loss of me

Loss of my mom

Loss of intimacy with my husband

Who am I?

I don’t really know anymore

[kimdsmith76]

I realized why I’m depressed. I’ve been grieving since 2018. Why so long, you say. It’s been going on since then

.#1 We moved into my in-laws house, and since then I haven’t had sex with my husband but 3 times since then. I’m grieving my loss of intimacy. #2 I’m grieving the person I used to be before my body betrayed me. Before I had to use a cane or a walker. I could still wear heels, and I had nice legs. #3 losing my best friend, my mom. I can’t text her when I’m depressed or spend a Saturday with her watching movies. Going to see the latest Star Wars. We’ve been watching them since I was a baby. I’ve been through alot since 2018. And because my husband and I have no intimacy I have no one to just hold me. I’m stuck in the house now all day by myself and when he gets home, after asking me what I did today, he’s gone.

I understand that he had a mild stroke in 2018. But looking back at it, things were different afterwards. I stayed in the hospital with him for a week. I would go home to shower and then I was back. When I was in the hospital for two weeks, he didn’t even come everyday.

He doesn’t understand that the only thing that keeps from falling off the edge right now, is your daughter. I have to strong for her. I can’t let myself fall into a deep depression like I did when I was 15 and tried to kill myself. Those were dark times, and I’m not going there again.

[kimdsmith76]

Myelin & Melanin. My husband introduced me to this podcast. I’m so grateful. There doesn’t seem to be a group for black women with MS. We have different challenges, different fears. We as black women are always taught to be strong. Sometimes you can’t be strong. I’ve been out of the hospital for a month, and I still don’t feel normal. I’m so frustrated. I keep saying that things are going to change. At least relationship. He doesn’t seem to understand how important a sexual relationship is. I know I’m not 23, but I’m only 43, so that should count for something. I’m very insecure right now. Nothing works right now, I’m not working, and I can’t even get love from my husband.

[kimdsmith76]

#grownwomanshit Ladies if I have to tell you what this is, you aren’t on your grownfolks https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Vohm4lcpD/?igshid=qlalpicu5r3q

[kimdsmith76]

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#lazydogs i got trapped. There’s no getting up with a 120lb rewrite #Rottweiler on your lap (at Long Beach, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8NO4JSlAXJ/?igshid=7ssd8gjh371q

[kimdsmith76]

#naturalhairjourney Well I’ve got a little fro now. See what happens when you don’t put gray or chemicals in your hair, except for my frosted tips (at Long Beach, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7-Ix6KlW--/?igshid=172t9jwxive6l

[kimdsmith76]

#FMLAbuddies. I’ve had company ever since I got home. (at Long Beach, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7q7w4JBC_Y/?igshid=1c4dv0kflssmz

[kimdsmith76]

#grandpagreatgrandfather me on the left, my daughter on the right. It’s been 5 years, but I still miss him https://www.instagram.com/p/BwaTchKBSYj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=knaftxrt96s5

[kimdsmith76]

#saturdayerrands Sitting in the car waiting for Terrence to come back from the store https://www.instagram.com/p/BqTKYeAFxIc/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1s8q198du2h0z

[kimdsmith76]

#vegasweekend My girl sent me this pic from like 5 years ago. We had a blast. Clubin’ till the sun came up https://www.instagram.com/p/BqQU-8-BfKZ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=kwpvyxphmb9k

[kimdsmith76]

#firepit breaking it in, outside with Tyson (at North Long Beach, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/BqLzAPpFxXa/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=bqev73lpdccl