I want those real, jarring moments of realism with a fat partner. The splash of cold water. The dust settling. Being fearful of what this is all leading towards.
Watching her bend over, seeing how embarrassingly far her gut hangs. Those tense moments when she pathetically tries to stand up. Walking is a disaster waiting to happen. Legs barely able to kick forward. Hearing the panicked breathing. I can't carry her, I can't stop her from falling. An arm of support? As if that does anything?
Then waiting for her breathing to steady. Sitting in silence next to her, waiting for the gasping to stop. It's awkward. She can't speak yet, and she can't even process what I say. Always that fear that this is the time when she can't catch her breath, the time when you have to call that number.
It's no better from her viewpoint. Wishing and wishing her favorite features won't be the ones that stop her from independence. Not this soon. Legs that get too fat to lift, bend, or walk without slipping once the waddling gets too dramatic. A belly that keeps spreading further and further out. Too far to reach past. Too heavy to carry, to adjust. Imagine being unable to reach out for help because no support can come close enough to your hands? Or maybe it's your chest. Your arms. So heavy. Smothering. Holding you down. Unable to clasp your hands together.
She moans through a mouthful of food. Days go by where we ignore the problem. Other days, there's open concern. That number on the scale is getting higher than the ones you see on TV. We planned to get this far, we learned how to become more and more extreme. We never considered it would keep going.
The addiction is too engrained. I don't know how to stop bringing food. I have forgotten how to show affection, to become aroused, without the night ending with hand feeding you.
You eat because it passes the time. It forces you to ignore the dread. It is possible you'll stay in bed for the foreseeable future. The hours feel long, but they are shorter if you can eat.
What a wonderful take. Beautifully expressed ❤️
















