Becoming Sober/Anxiety Free

I am working my way to living a healthier happier life, one day at a time.

[kimmiekins4]

Day 21 seeing improvement

Wow... I know that it’s been a long time since I have wrote.. but I suppose thats alright, now I have a bit more to write about again. Food cravings have gone down, but I am still not eating the best.. so that is going to be my next goal to detox from all of this bad food. Sugar cravings have defiantly went down, and just today I actually noticed I am getting fuller faster. As far as my mental clarity and anxiety oh my gosh.. I feel like it’s been a 180 degree change. I’ve had a few anxiety attacks here and there, but I am able to manage them so much better now, and with so much more clarity. I am slowly feeling more motivated to do things, but I am also allowing myself to rest as needed.

With that being said though there have been so many times that I’ve wanted to just go and drink...out of boredom or some minor inconvenience.. but I have been good about letting the thought happened and remind myself how much better I am feeling, and that I got this. Its become not just about being sober but also proving to myself that I can do something that I set my mind too, and not let my thoughts and weaknesses get in the way. 

While I have done this before I feel so different this time because I am actually dealing with some of my problems instead of looking at oh nothing is wrong I just let my drinking get out of control. And honestly I am just really proud of myself... which isn’t something that I've said to myself often and meant it. Usually if I say it its just too say it, or hoping that if I say it enough I'll finally believe it.

But these past few weeks I have really made myself face so much, and overcome so many thoughts and feelings that at one point I was not ever able to get past. And also being tested at the same time with things that I would normally just decide to go and drink because of. I had unexpected money come out of my account, having school problems, feeling lost in life etc. But I fought through it and said to myself you need to deal with this head on... and I felt liberated because of it.

Just know no matter what you’re going through you got this, and you’re not alone. YOU GOT THIS!

[kimmiekins4]

Day 5&6, Almost a week...

I didn't write yesterday as I had a headache and was exhausted. Today really tested me as far as wanting to drink. I was having a bad day as far as phone calls, people needing one thing or another... money stuff... pretty much every trigger that would normally make me drink as soon as I got off work and thankfully I didn't give into that. I am so proud that I have made it this far, andI know this is all still new and there will be more challenges ahead but something just feels different this time. I think writing and seeing my progress helps, and I am also accomplishing so many things that I have been talking about. I am feeling like I am dealing with a lot of demons that I was using alcohol to run from, which I think is only going to help me in this journey. One day at a time. Even today I started getting anxiety about all these things coming at me, and I went and took a walk and listened to my music, got my mind back on track. That was a proud moment for me. I still feel that by not drinking my anxiety has lessoned, and my thoughts have changed when I do have it if that makes since. But I’ll be sure to keep updated, tomorrow is the big 7 days! and while eventually I may stop counting as this just becomes more normal I am going to just be proud of how far I've come. Everyones path is different, and I just want to share mine not only for myself but for that one person out there that it might help <3

[kimmiekins4]

Day 4, a Family Function

Today was my first challenge, that honestly I almost didn't accept.It was my nephews birthday part today so I knew that I needed to make an appearance or I would regret it. But my mind kept thinking about not drinking, was I going to be strong enough to not drink. But I told myself that one I cant hide in the house forever and to just remember that this change is worth it and you’re already feeling better. So I went, and it wasn't has hard as I thought that it would be but it wasn't easy especially because everyone else was having drinks. And my grandpa also made a comment cause everyone was having drinks and he was like saying something about switching to alcohol. I know he meant no ill will by what he said but it was just another realization of how much people know me as a drinker/partier. just not realizing what it was actually doing to me or how bad the road I was going down.

on a positive note though I do feel a lot better, so far my anxiety seems to be doing better. Writing all this out is helping too. I even got some cleaning done today as well. The only thing I am noticing is how much I am wanting to eat... defiantly have to get that under control!! Next step is to get working out put in the routine... all in due time I suppose. ill be back tomorrow :)

[kimmiekins4]

Day 3, Tired and Craving Carbs

Today was a little tougher but not so much of wanting to drink (especially because its Friday) but because today even though I’ve slept I still feel tired and man am I craving carbs!! I know this is common but I am not wanting to trade one thing for another. But I am proud to say that I've made it three days. I think today and this weekend will be some challenging days mentally. I usually drink on the weekends sometimes out of boredom, or just because I've had a stressful week. But I plan on doing things I've been putting off like cleaning. And I am thinking I want to start my mornings with walks :) We willl see I am trying to take everything one day at a time, and I know this is just the beginning of the road but it will be worth it. 

I also noticed I was a little emotional today, but I was dealing with a little bit of anxiety. As I am going through this I am also dealing with my anxiety which has went hand in hand with my drinking as I have said. I will say that some of my symptoms and worries have subsided a bit since not drinking, and what I am noticing is some of my most anxious days come from a night of drinking. Just crazy to think each day what you realize when looking back on things rather youre drinking or not. But for me I am realizing just how much alcohol was effecting me, in ways that I didn’t even think that it would. I’ve been down this road before of stopping for a little while and then starting to drink again but the difference between then and now is that I want to take action and not just look for a quick fix for my anxiety or just quit for a bit to say I did.

I don’t have too much to write about today, but I will be back tomorrow :) 

[kimmiekins4]

Day 2 Sober, Demon Alcohol

I am happy to say that I’ve made it 2 whole days. May not sound like a lot but I am taking everyday as a victory. With that being said today was a little bit tougher because I am feeling better, so my brain is like oh we can drink again and have a good time. I never understood until now the term Demon Alcohol, or even the song Demon Alcohol made famous by Ozzy Osborne until now.

I remember actually listening/watching the music video as an 8 year old kid, I thought wow I like the beat to this song, and it sounds cool... and here we are all these years later to me writing my struggle and toxic relationship with alcohol.

I won’t say that I am the worst, but reflecting on my habits now I can only imagine where they would lead even a year from now. I could already tell that my tolerance was rising, and just the fact I started wanting to have it in the house just incase I decided I was in the mood to drink. I don’t normally keep alcohol in the house at all times, but usually on my way home from work I would stop at the store and get enough for the night. My thought process obviously isn’t healthy but before not it seemed fine.

Back to the song “Demon Alcohol” here are a few lyrics of many that ring true to me, and I am sure many of you:

“I'm sick and tired of resolutions You've quit me time and time again

You took my hand, I'm here to stay

This time it's you or me

I'll never set you free.”

We have all said at one time or another that we want to quit drinking, and usually we try and it could be for a period of time but we always come back for one reason or another. Which is scary to think about, because sometimes it really does feel like you’ll never be set free.

I am going to give it my all, and get through this. Even though right now it feels impossible I keep telling myself there are brighter days ahead, that are far better than the temporary happiness that alcohol will give you. You’ll finally be able to accomplish things you want to do because you’ll feel better, and not laying in bed feeling like shit all day.

I got this <3 and if you’re going through this..just remember you got this too.

[kimmiekins4]

One Day Sober

I’ve been here so many times, deciding I am not going to drink but then once I feel better, rather thats from a hangover or just feeling super anxious the day after drinking I decided that it’s fine to start drinking again and that I’ll be fine. But the truth is I am not fine. I started drinking off and on starting at around 15 years old, but as I've gotten older I’ve noticed my drinking patterns, and really my relationship with alcohol. 

It really started back in 2017-2018 when I started having anxiety and panic attacks out of nowhere. I began using alcohol as a way to cope with the symptoms of anxiety, which in the end made it worse. In the year 2018 I was able to stay sober for about 6 weeks, and I was really proud of myself for that. But soon after some stressful things came up and the first thing I did was start drinking. 

As I am writing this out I don’t know how I hadn't seen the unhealthiest of my habits before, but like most people I was in denial or just didn't think I really had a problem at all. But clearly I did.

So why now you ask?

There are many reasons why. But the main reason is I want to be happy and healthy for the first time in my life. I know that I’ve always had some sort of anxiety disorder but combined with my alcohol use its heighten it a lot and I just want to stop and become the best version of myself.

I feel like this will be one of the hardest things to do for many reasons. I am choosing to write out my experience not just for me to reflect back on in a month but also for anyone out there feeling the same as me, I want them to know they aren’t alone and I am always here for you.

Long term goal is staying sober. But I know that life is long, and you hit bumps along the way. So my first short term goal right now on this day is to make it 1 week without one drink at all. and then the next week...leading into 30 days. 30 days is my first goal.

I must admit that I am scared. Scared of truly facing my demons, and what I've been running from. But also trying to exist around friends and social gatherings at first. I know it will get easier, but at first it’s going to be hard since most of my friends are social drinkers.

I have also come to realize I use alcohol in social situations because I am very shy and an introvert. People always say “wow you’re really quiet.” “why don’t you talk more?” And that in turn made me feel like I was an outcast or weird. I found after a few drinks I would loosen up and was able to talk to everyone.

Word of advice to all my extrovert friends, we promise that we want to talk and once we are comfortable in our environment we will open us, just give us time :)

well thats it for day one <3