nah,imma do me

24. Artist.

[kimmifresh]

I've been trying. I need help.

[kimmifresh]

It became apparent to me that I know longer liked them. It became apparent that I was forcing things. With her it was natural but with the other I was constantly forcing it. I tried. But it didnt work.

And suddenly I saw the little things they would say that offended and hurt me. I'd like someone who loves me and speaks kindly of me. Someone who doesnt act like hanging out with me is a waste of time.

Perhaps we were using each other and it was never real. But I wanted it to work. I really did.

I've already mourned for the friendship. But you know, the sadness lingers.

[kimmifresh]

Again with the feelings of loneliness. It's a cycle. But is it a crime to want to close to another? Am I not ready? Is there no one similar near me? Is it not meant to happen rn? Must I focus on other things and find out about true companionship later?

[kimmifresh]

I miss how you were a reoccurring mess. Passionate. Sad. Nonsensical mess.

[kimmifresh]

I wasn't allowed to be sensitive.

I haven't felt loved by you. And that's the problem.

What you say to me has no substance. Just commands. Obligatory statements.

No one understands how I view you. I don't think they'd believe me.

You've never tried to listen to me. You never tried to talk to me. So why should I talk to you?

Are you the reason why I'll be reincarnated to face the pains of life again instead of ascending?

[kimmifresh]

It's not fair to think that you can be everything. Only I can save myself, I know. But I keep wishing for someone else to save me. A bad habit.

Everyone faces there own aches of the pain. So I must battle mine.

But it gets hard for me to believe that I am loved. It gets hard to believe that I won't be forgotten. Even in the happiest stage of my life so far I feel this darkness.

[kimmifresh]

April is always chaotic? April drives me to write?

[kimmifresh]

You're going through so much all at once. I wish you could stop time and just let yourself feel it all. You need to feel it all to get through it. You've grown so much. You can no longer throw yourself into destructive ways while knowing that you're making yourself sick. You know that you are capable. Even when you imply that youre not, you know that youre lying. You've found a sense of peace in your solitude which would always distrub you.

It will all be okay as always. This time will pass and you will get stronger. I love you. I love how you never give up on yourself or your potiential. I see so much for you. You can do it and you know you can. Let yourself feel. Take care of yourself. So we can get to where we've worked toward s all our life.

[kimmifresh]

This situation has ripped me apart. The disorganization. No deadline. The lack of communication from the source. I say its me but he reminds me that its really them. I have tried my best (I always do) and I can't keep feeling like I am not enough. It is not me, i must not put the blame on myself.

[kimmifresh]

He is the calm. I am the chaos.

[kimmifresh]

Okay. I'll listen to the signs.

[kimmifresh]

In the chaos, ive found comfort. Comfort where I didnt expect it to be. But im so glad its there. Im so glad shes there.

[kimmifresh]

Okay. You're really here to stay.

[kimmifresh]

How could you do this to yourself? Rise but choose to fall to the depths again. How could you choose abuse? How could you choose the destruction of your own mind? You need to be much stronger. You need to stay strong. Comfort wont help you. If youre falling force yourself to fly. If its impossible, make it possible. You are unrealistic like that. You are a dreamer. So now work for it even harder. Make your nonsense come true. Just like how you make your lies a reality.

[kimmifresh]

Its funny how my love for you turned into hatred. And then I slowly forgot about you and moved on. Just like you constantly forgot about me. At least now Im not obsessed with getting any type of revenge. At least now can think of you and feel nothing.

[kimmifresh]

Dont do that. Just take care of yourself. Dont make me worry.

[kimmifresh]

If only I could get my hands on you...