@king-kat - Tumblr Blog

It has been several years since my last post. Now is a better time than any to begin writing again.

Lately I am under a lot of pressure, and a lot is expected of me. I am fighting battles on multiple fronts - internally and externally, at home and away from home, inside my head and all around me, in the future and also in the past. I feel like my borders are closing in on me just a little bit more as the days go by - but I am not losing this war. I will never surrender.

I will win this war, and one day I will again be surrounded by all of the sights, aromas, environments, and feelings that once made this life such a gift to live. All of those memories are permanent citizens inside my brain. I’ll never let them go. Soon I’ll be living them again. I just have to keep fighting.

A short list

I'm crying nightly but know I shouldn't be.

I'll stop soon.

I'm scared to call you.

I've been going out with male friends but after a few beers I still fall silent.

I'm not rebounding. That's not the way I let go of people.

But every day I smile a little more.

I am letting go and I think you'd be proud of me for it.

Burninginside.rtf

What has this rollercoaster taught me about love? Nothing. It only taught me that I hate being in love. It also taught me that I still hate rollercoasters.

Promise me that you'll never be afraid.

Just as I always am on nights like these, I am wide awake and stuffing my face with sweets. I feel like you're hoarding the peanut butter, or else I'd be recreating DQ's peanut 'buster' parfait in a quart container again, because that shit was delicious. Maybe you ate all of the peanut butter, but I sincerely hope not.

So now I'm downstairs in my bedroom with the heater pulled out like you hate, eating my mom's granola and drinking your least favorite flavor of Gatorade (which is actually the best AND first original flavor,) and as I look around, all I can think of is you.

Looking around the room, I can tie a memory or thought to you everywhere my eyes land. I'm lying on a cozy blanket with a big faded picture of a kid and a duck/goose/waterfowl on it - yours from the other night when we were lying down here freezing. To my left, an LED nightlight that you picked out for me at Ross the day I was really sick. To my right, a soft blue 'rug' that we got that same day. Bath mat or not, it does provide a very comforting touch to my once unwelcoming bedroom/chamber. Further down to my right, I see all of my furniture and bedroom which you reorganized one day out of the goodness of your heart... while I was at work. You brought me ginger tea that night when you picked me up because I told you I was stuffed up, and you also told me you had a surprise for me - it was that. It made me so happy. When I first walked in, there was a sign that read something like 'I love you Bob,' and guess what? It's still there. There's a crack in it though, from my fist. From when I was drinking.

Carrying on with that thought, I am so overjoyed that you were able to believe in me through all of those times. I have never met someone like you... which brings me to that next thought: I have NEVER met someone like you.

I have never met a person that I could even remotely compare with you. You have attributes that I could never pin onto anyone I've ever met. I'm not talking about past partners - I'm referring to EVERYONE. I could go on for days about this.

I've got so much running through my head right now, I'm afraid my train of thought will begin to derail and I will cease to make sense. So, I'm just going to convert this into a list of random thoughts about you and this week.

- If you ever feel anxious and want to talk to me about anything, please understand that you can talk to me about everything you could ever think of. If you ever have any uneasy feelings, please talk to me and let me talk to you about them.

- You're always somewhere in my head. Especially when I'm wearing your sweatshirt and lying on your blanket.

- You should not have gotten ice cream for me, because now it is going to be a regular part of my life.

- The way you anunciate certain cute-isms is so foreign and adorable to me. You call the kids in your preschool class 'Popcorns?' Why is that so adorable? Don't even get me started on your songs. You make me melt.

- You are by far the most emotional and caring person out there, and it shows in nearly every facet of your existence.

- You have the most wonderful eyes and smile. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve your gaze, but am happy to be in your sights.

- Your features are perfect.

I'm starting to get tired. But this isn't the end of the list. I could write about you for days. Maybe I'll do that this week. Thank you for all that you are. Thank you for all that you are. Thank you for all that you are. Thank you for all that you are.

You are an angel in every way, and you'd better not forget it.

I'll edit my typos and grammatical errors tomorrow, when I can keep my eyelids open.

RAY OF SUNSHINE IN A LIFE OF INFINITE DARKNESS

Less than a week ago, the burden and weight of a life filled with hate and fear broke the barriers that shielded my alcoholism from being dealt with. I stepped out of her passenger side car door, turned, and leaned in. I looked her in the eyes and said, "Who knows? This could be the first day of the rest of my life." We smiled at each other before I walked away. Nothing can stop me. Alone in a world of hardship and enemies - I fear nothing.

Never have I felt so forsaken and alone.

It has been quite a while since I have posted new developments in this journal of mine. I moved to Denver, Colorado in March of 2017. I left Atlanta after a series of depressing events that were the final straw that ended nearly 10 years in that city. I got a job working under a brilliant young chef who used to head the culinary program at Decatur's Kimball House. The spot is called Hearth and Dram. I will write more about my culinary progressions in another post. This post isn't about my career. It is about a wonderful person that I met here in Colorado, under somewhat weird circumstances. I met a woman named Kelly. She moved into my house a couple months ago. She was friends with my friends from Atlanta. In the recent weeks we've grown really close. I honestly could not have foreseen her taking any interest in me whatsoever, but recent events have shown me that first impressions are not always as they seem. My phone is going to die soon, so I'm going to stop here and make my way home. My closing statement here is that even if you devote yourself to solitude, and promise yourself that you will never love again, someone will walk into your life that will change everything. I can't say that I'm particularly comfortable with anything going on inside my head, but I'm comfortable with the fact that I have let myself love again. That's all.

Awake next to you, asleep.

I’m sitting on your bed next to you. You’re about as asleep as it gets, but that’s alright. I tried to wake you (once again,) but you won’t budge.

I laid in your bed watching television while awaiting your return when you left me this afternoon to go take care of some things. When you returned, I was on my stomach with my face in your computer. You opened the door and plopped down onto my back. I rolled you off of me onto our sides and we beamed at each other for a few moments.

“Hi,” I said, “How was it?”

You showed me your band-aids and told me about your physical, and we smiled together about how awkward it surprisingly was not.

Shortly after, we smoked and swept the porch and talked for a while about how we were sure of each other. I shaved my face with a pair of clippers. We put on our shoes and socks and departed for the lower east side.

I told you I wanted everyone to know about you and I, and you told me that you felt the same.

You fell asleep on my shoulder during our car ride home, and at the current moment you’re snoring next to me.

I just want you to know how special you are and how special you make me feel. Like I said, I tried to wake you up (again, earlier,) but now I’m fine with you being asleep because it gives me the chance to think by myself about what you are to me. I laid on the roof outside your window blowing cigarette smoke into the sky. One after another. I thought for a while.

I think about you, and your twin, and your disdain toward your family, and the person that you have proven yourself to be. I’ve even seen you at your job this weekend, when I agreed to do some temp help between my shifts. You’re absolutely amazing. You’re all I want. I want you to wrap yourself around me, I want you to completely engulf me - as if you haven’t already conquered my waking thoughts.

I love your playful mannerisms. I love your touch and your wet bangs fresh out of the shower. I love the way you touch me and all of that, I won’t go too far into it.

I love your smile, and I love stroking your hair, and I love giving the world the finger and completely shutting everything and everyone out for you.

You’re still snoring. And I still love you.

ROUGH DRAFT*

I had a few drinks. This is probably full of grammar errors, but I don't give a shit.

HOLYSHIT.rtf

I've been seeing someone a little younger than me recently. We get along and also have several mutual interests. She's totally beautiful and has a good head on her shoulders. I've fallen for her, but there are a few obstacles standing between us. I want to tell her that I love her.

A THOUGHT V.2.5

I am fine with my appearance. It adheres to my personal standard of being acceptably attractive. I am fine with my clothing and I feel lucky for being thin despite my lifestyle. I am not fine with my brain. It does not adhere to the person that I once thought it was acceptable to be. I am fine with my poetic nature and late night soliloquies in the mirror, and I feel lucky for being intelligent still - despite my lifestyle. But I hate my habits, and I hate that there has to be this sort of duality between who I am and who I thought I was going to be. Curveball. Maybe next year at 27 YOA I can merge my two personalities. Probably not.

I guess the tables have turned, huh? I’m the sober one in our writings now.

Making adult decisions and dealing with life’s problems does not need to involve getting fucked up and making stupid decisions.

I don’t mean to be blunt, however, I’m not wrong. I want this relationship to be ours. Not yours. You don’t get to lie and go out and make stupid decisions and say sorry. One day I won’t tell you that everything is ok.

You still occupy even the most remote reaches of my mind. You still make me feel warm inside when you are acting like yourself. I love you. Today everything is ok.

Todos los dias

I find it strange that I find myself at night fantasizing about my own funeral. I'm not vain. Maybe just realistic. Also, daydreaming at any hour is romantic.

Unforeseen Heartache / Predictable ex-lover

I had a wonderful time with you this weekend. Everything felt normal.

I said I didn’t get a tan being out in the sun so much, but I guess I did. I got a little red. You got sunburnt.

Honestly I would walk a thousand miles with you.

Just don’t ask to hold hands next time.

Weird life

A naked chick just came downstairs. My friend is house sitting. I'm high as shit.

Sometimes a bad night can turn into music with one of your close friends. Flash bang hot sauce. Never again.

I feel outta shape.

I feel weak. I’m skinny fat. My legs don’t work as well. I don’t stretch anymore. Why? Because I would rather get drunk and forget about how many times I’ve fucked up.

I hang with chicks and all I think about is my career. And how to get better and better.

I don’t really even try to date people anymore. I simply do not care.

I have objectives and they are all work oriented. What happened to my lust for every woman ever?

So now I will rest assured that my pool partner/bff has won the grudge match at pool for the night.

I feel like a worthless bad person. I hope they serve alcohol in hell.

HOLY HELL

I'm bleeding from every orifice of my body and my throat is closing up. At least I have some merlot.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs