君がいる世界 @king9091 - Tumblr Blog

October 2021

In this moon, there is a lot things happened. I also manage to cleanse my aura. I feel much better or I might say, I'm more emotionally unavailable. I used to be over sensitive with my feelings. But now, I can manage it well, I can express my feeling more better and start to take care my own mental health more.

Manifesting

Aku ingin terus menulis, aku ingin menulis banyak puisi dan mengutarakan semua perasaan yang ku milikin.

Aku sangat ingin menerbitkan buku tulisanku sendiri, aku harap sebelum usiaku mencapai 40 tahun aku dapat menerbitkan tulisanku.

Aku harap setidaknya bila diriku telah menghilang, setidaknya tidak dengan tulisanku.

The sky seemed darker in my mind, the air around me was stingingly cold, the wind was piercing into my bones it's making me sick. Once again I was stuck in my room, its a square-dark room. I shut all voices from entering it. In this box there is only me and my voice. My voice grows slowly in my arms, I give water it every day, I sing a lullaby every night, so that my voice continues to grow. Often I leave my voice in my box, lock it in the box and hide it under my bed.

Then I came out, as if I had never had a voice. I feel sorry for my voice. I bury it too long in my heart. Every night the voices haunts me, asks me to open the box, and asks me to go inside again.

Sometimes the voices knocks and calls me from inside. I will be deaf here. Putting on a vintage mask so that no one would know the knock was calling me. The sky is getting darker, it's raining. I covered my cold feet again, the voices rising over my bed. Hug me in the cold night.

A hate letter for him

Aku menulis surat benci yang tak pernahku sampaikan

Terimakasih telah menyulitkan hidupku, sampai sekarang aku masih belum bisa percaya kepada diriku yang mempercayai dirimu. Perbedaan umur kita yang begitu jauh membuatku kecewa terhadap dirimu. Seharusnya aku menyadari redflag dalam dirimu. Terimakasih sudah membuatku sulit berjalan di jam kerjaku, membuatku sulit bernafas saat tertidur dan membuatku mengalami demam karena stress dengan perilaku yang kau tunjukan padaku. Harus malam itu aku mengamuk padamu. Mari tidak berkenal satu sama lain, karena otakmu hanya berada diselangkangan saja.

Love letter

Aku menulis surat cinta lama yang tak tersampaikan.

Untuk kasih yang pernah ku sayangi, aku 'dulu' sangat menyayangi dirimu. Mungkin caraku membagi hangatku berbeda, dan mungkin juga salah.

Untuk kasih yang pernah ku sayangi, semoga kau menjalani hidup yang baik. Bangun di pagi hari dengan tidur malam yang cukup. Karena kau selalu melewatkan tidurmu.

Untuk kasih yang pernah ku sayangi, beban hidupmu tak begitu berat pikirku, mungkin karena kau adalah cancer bukan leo.

Untuk kasih yang pernah ku sayangi, tak ada dendam lagi dan perasaan kasih lagi yang tertinggal diantara kita. Aku harap kau terbang bagai burung di langit yang cerah dan semoga kita tak bertemu kembali di jalanan sore hari seperti waktu itu.

Ps. Buku-buku kado darimu masih belum selesaiku baca.

200821.2341.

- dari aku yang meridukannya melalui telepon genggam

I can't stop thinking how to end my life.

Anugerah paling besar untuk manusia adalah memiliki rasa lupa atau pelupa.

Karena terkadang ingatan adalah hal yang menyakitkan, dimana kenangan buruk dapat begitu menyakitkan seakan membunuh.

Hamba bertimakssih karena masih bisa melupakan dan menjadi pelupa, mana kuat untuk hidup mungkin bila masih mengingatnya - ai

Kau bukan lah mentariku lagi....

Seharusnya aku tak lagi berotasi denganmu.

People really can change into different person in one night. After sharing affection and feelings, they still can leave you. They sleep well in the night. Unlike you, you eat all your emotions alone every night, thinking where the heck I done wrong this time. Well, this isn't my first time facing problems like this, because in the end they will leave me. They don't tell you where the part you do them wrong, they just leave you silently, and left you alone with anxiety. They just used you, after they used you, they left. I shouldn't put any small expectation on them. People who said they won't left you, they always be the first one who left you.

Today I learn how to dealing with goodbyes....

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain, (340)

BY EMILY DICKINSON

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

And Mourners to and fro

Kept treading - treading - till it seemed

That Sense was breaking through -

And when they all were seated,

A Service, like a Drum -

Kept beating - beating - till I thought

My mind was going numb -

And then I heard them lift a Box

And creak across my Soul

With those same Boots of Lead, again,

Then Space - began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,

And Being, but an Ear,

And I, and Silence, some strange Race,

Wrecked, solitary, here -

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,

And I dropped down, and down -

And hit a World, at every plunge,

And Finished knowing - then -

I really love Emily’s poems, been reading her poem on my poetry class, and I found that I can relate to some of her poems, I will post more of her poems that I like.

Me: I - -

Instagram:/ prohibited me to post anything for being sad/

Kisah Tentang Raja Yang Baik Hati

Raja itu orangnya angkuh dan selalu ingin di puji. Sebagai rakyat yang baik kami mengagung-agungkannya.

Ia memamerkan kecerdasannya pada rakyatnya, sebagai rakyat yang baik kami selalu mendengarkannya

Ia memamerkan seluruh hartanya pada rakyatnya, sebagai rakyat yang baik kami selalu membayar panen padanya.

Makan malamnya dengan menu darat, langit, dan laut. Rakyatnya makan olahan padi saja.

Ketika Baju sang raja terbuat dari bulu domba atau serat sutra, kafan sudah menjadi barang mewah bagi kami.

Mulut Raja sangat manis, Kami terhanyut olehnya.

Dulu saat malam telah tiba, Raja mengetuk dahan pohon. Dan ia menghabiskan malam dengan bulan. Tentu saja rakyat bergunjing tentangnya.

Di malam lainnya Raja malah terlihat bergunjing tentang bulan kepada rakyatnya.

Hingga suatu hari Raja memutuskan untuk lebih sering berjumpa dan bergunjing dengan rakyatnya. Bulan pun diam menunggunya.

Pada minggu lainnya Raja masih tak tampak, seru bulan padaku. Sebagai rakyat yang baik, aku mengatakan bahwa Ia bisa menunggu raja, dan aku akan menceritakan kisah baik tentang Raja.

Sebagai rakyat yang baik aku menceritakan kisah raja agar bulan tak rindu. Beberapa hari kemudian bulan tak pernah muncul.

Aku harus bungkam.

Tidak ada yang boleh tau kemana bulan pergi. Walau aku tak tau, tapi aku yakin mungkin ia mati dikubur raja?

Tapi hari ini lain, Raja menghammpiriku lagi,

Tetapi Ia tak berkata apa-apa...

Bukankah seharusnya ia bercerita tentang dirinya seperti biasanya?

Cerita mengenai Hartanya yang melimpah, otaknya yang cerdas, perutnya yang makmur, atau gudang penuh makanan.

Dia malah terdiam.

Apakah ia akan menanyakan tentang bulan?

Tapi aku tak bisa melihat rupanya.

Apakah raja ingin mengusik rakyatnya yang dungu ini ?!

Mungkin saja dia buta, sama sepertiku.

Atau tuli, sama sepertiku.

Mungkin saja dia bisu sama sepertiku.

Atau mungkin dia sudah mati, Sama dengan diriku

hilang tuk menghilang

oh tuhan

aku sangat merindukannya,

embun subuh, nafas berat

pelangi disenja hari setelah hujan

atau indomie kuah dikala hujan

oh aku sangat rindu

kepada waktu waktu yang membeku

hari hari yang melambat

tidur panjang yang lelap

aku ingin lari

kabur dari sangkarku, menuju gengamannya

lari di pantai kala gerimis

suara ombak yang ricuh

atau setidaknya

berilah hari yang ringan

dan hati yang tenang

kasur yang empuk

atau bawa ku pulang

pada pelukan mu

aku ingiin lari

lari yang jauh

walau terjatuh

aku akan kembali lari

walau tanpa kaki

aku akan merangkak

demi mencari hati yang tenang

Malam ini hujan

Oh tuhan, aku benci sekali dengan perpisahan.

Iya, aku merengek padamu tuhan.

Ku mohon jangan lah bawa orang yangku sayangi.

Biarlah aku mati di rusuknya, membusuk di senyumnya.

Janganlah bawa dia tuhan.

Mungkin harta yang manis yaitu membeku di dalam waktu.

Aku meragukan segalanya, dan akan mati dengan ragu.

Ku mohon...

Bawa lah aku

When The Moon Cry

People said, “ Every hello, ends with a goodbye.”And I will never be smart enough to learn the pragmatic of those words, and It always became the hardest time for me to dealing with the goodbyes.

By the end of my 18, I almost lost all of my high school friends, and only one of them still stay with me (my friend since elementary school). Another story, I also broke up with my boyfriend due to our toxic relationship. I’m trying to escape from depression, by joining a lot of college organizations. But, still, it leads to another mental breakdown situation, self-identity crisis, and I just hate myself even more.

The lowest time of myself is crying while taking a shower and doing other bad things that I couldn’t even say.

I think as far that I could remember. By November of 2018, God delivered to me, a guy that became my new best friend. My impression of him that he is a polite guy, family orientated, he cares about his baby brother, very idealistic, and has a genius mind. I'm enjoying our midnight talk, we have the same music taste or when reading a book for me, he looks damn fine to my eyes. What I like about him is everything that he told me are mind blowing, I could see a new perspective from a very logic guy, he was a sweet guy. When I fall asleep, I still can feel his arms strokes my hair softly. Once I felt grateful to God for created him and to send him into my life.

At night when the star chose us, that night when he hold my arms tightly, and the flowers already bloom and sparkling on my chest. The stem grows faster than I could blink, and we already one. Sharing those breaths, gripping the edges. He grabbed my hand and dive into the skin. At the moment, I believed in him, that he is all the time that I was waiting for, he is the one, who holds me when I'm down, and he is my sane during my high.

Until for few next months, we sit in the same small room every night, doing our own things, there's no enticing conversation, no one of us wants to start it. Then the other day just gets arduous. The line was rarefying, and you don't try to do anything about it. The flowers become dry, I get anxious every night. He starts to be quieter than usual, or perhaps he is aphasic.

He slowly missed most of the things that I really want to do together with him. I start to feels dizzy, mixed with my anxious feelings most of the time. I remember once I woke up with bleeding in my nose and its always happens in every next morning, then I start to feel il. I believe there is something wrong with me, I check up my self to some doctors, and they said the same damn things, that I was tired with all my organization stuff. A long rest in the bed I needed.

But I believe that went to somewhere far away place and do traveling will help me much because I need to fill something missing or gaping on my heart. By the time I’m leaving Semarang to Jogja, he texted me again he said sorry, and he wants me to go away from his life. He never explains to me what is my fault, the thing that he said that this is because his own fault.

What if I hurt him? What if all the time he never likes me or loves me even once? Or what if he just used me as his impingement his lust. I just hate my self, even more, I start believe that I shouldn't be born into this world, no one wants me or even love me. I’m a pathetic human living. Someone should end my life.-c-

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

君がいる世界