Buy a Thneed today!

I'm the Once-ler, the one and only inventor of the famous Thneed, a thing which everyone needs! ---

[kinkler]

[kinkler]

[kinkler]

Wha-?

Looks like our time’s up.

Yeah, let’s blow this joint before shit gets nasty.

Wh- What the hell are you talking about, Mustache? What’s going on???

I -...

.......

Uh, thanks, but that doesn’t really simplify -

anything.

[kinkler]

ENOUGH! What is going on here!?

Yikes, calm down, will ya? And don’t mind us, or well, don’t mind yourself?

Eh, anyway. We, yourselves... We’re just a distraction, y’see? Nothing to worry your head off for, honestly!

The real party starts later, buddypal.

Wh- The real party? Distraction? “Yourselves”? What in the bloody fuck are you two talking about??? Also where did that hat come fr-

... Ah, nevermind. Looks like the guest of honour is already here.

[kinkler]

C’mon, I know the floor is a fitting place for someone like you to crawl on, but you’re getting my suit all messed up!

There, better? And do try to not look so miserable, we’ve gotten ugly enough as it is without your nasty frown wrinkles screwing things up even more.

Uhm... What exactly is going-

Wow, really. Mocking yourself?

Sheesh, is this the kind of person I turn into when I'm older? No thanks!

[kinkler]

Need some help down there, buddy?

[kinkler]

[kinkler]

Oh shut it! Mother this and mother that. Is this truly all you can say?! Like your mere existence wasn't proof enough of my past mistakes, no, you always have to remind me with that bloody word!

B-But...

Which is all you'll ever be! A mistake, a failure, useless! A pathetic coward!!!

...

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

But you can't run away from yourself forever, Once-ler.

[kinkler]

Now, my son, why are you worrying over things such as age all of a sudden?

Well, uhm, I... Huh, I can't really remember why? Suppose I just don't want to look old or anything like that while I meet with potential clients later today. But you're right mother, of course I look fine.

And why wouldn't I!

Business is going great! Everyone loves us and more customers are lining up to purchase their very own Thneed as we speak!

Soon we'll be ready to expand further to increase the production rate, advance beyond the borders and go global! A few years from now and everyone across the world will have thneeds in their home.

Hm. You sure of this, Oncie?

Mother?

You haven't taken a single peek in the ledgers lately, have you?

Or even glanced over any vital paperwork in months?

W-Well, no, not really... But only because you told me to not bother with that, since I'm not smart enough to understand half of it anyway.

You've always been much better with numbers and legal documents than I, so that's why I left you in charge of it. I thought that's what you wanted... And that the company is doing fine like this... Isn't it?

Oh, Oncie...

M-Mother?!?

[kinkler]

[kinkler]

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Well, uhm, I suppose it wouldn't be too troublesome to-

[bzzt-bzzt-bzzt]

Uhhh...

[bzzt-bzzt]

"Sweet stuff"? Postcard??? Guess they must've gotten the wrong number, whoever "they" now are. Ugh, you'd think people would know to make sure they have the right information-

[bzzt-bzzt-bzzt]

.......

[kinkler]

How can it be another day if it's still the same freaking day!!!!

The clock still goes tick-tock-tick-tock, even if the sun doesn't want to play along!

[kinkler]

Does the sun even move at all? Is there a sun? How many days have you been there already!?

Tsh tsh, Irrelevant! Every day spent is another day biggering my wealth, what else matters!?

[kinkler]

I wouldn't say it's dark at all. It's not exactly light either, but a greyish inbetween?

... Come to think about it, I haven't noticed the weather being any different from this for quite some time. It hasn't been sunny, dark or even raining any of the times I've looked out through a window.

Hmm...

...

Bah, probably just that pesky Mustache playing his tricks on me again. Nice try buddy, but I'm still not going to move away from here.

I have a business to keep on biggering, after all!

[kinkler]

so like approximately how much dick did you suck/bitches did you fuck last night bc DAMN youre happy as fuck

Excuse you?