You're on your third blog, because you keep deleting them out of shame, and every time you do you ask the same question: "Why am I like this?" Every time you rejoin, you ask the same question: "Why am I like this?"
You can't stop rubbing your cunt to men telling you that you're worthless. I'm not the first to point that out. I'm not the twenty-thousandth. It's a cliché; part of the ritual. You rub to being called a stupid slut, then rub to the fact that you rub to being called a stupid slut, and how that proves the accusation right. Then you quit, then you come back. You can't resist.
And it's worse, because you're just like this.
The other women on these Miso blogs you can understand, and excuse. They have ptsd, they've been raped, and manipulated, they have no choice but to be like this. This is something someone did to them, but you haven't. Sure, you've had leers, catcalls, weird DMs, but you've never been in real peril. No-one ever groped you, groomed you, or trapped you. You've never had to dissociate, while someone else rummaged around inside of your cunt, never had to live with the shame of knowing that at one point they made you moan, never cried yourself to sleep, while the images played in your head, and your muscles began to tighten, as you realised orgasming through it is the only way you'll get a decent night's rest.
And yet you rubbed to that sentence. You're masturbating right now to a description of a horrible crime which you have never experienced, and no-one did this to you. You're just like this.
"Rape fantasies are about blame-avoidance. Women are raised to value their fuckability, but shamed for sluttiness, so being ravaged yet devoid of agency in the act is an appealing way out." Of course, for most women that's true, but not for you. If that's all this was, then you'd read a little smut, maybe write a little, watch some rough porn with an actress you researched first to make sure she enjoys this sort of thing, and then move on with your life. But that's not you: You request tasks; you solicit DMs from male strangers, encouraging them to objectify you; you make posts in the first person, begging to be taken down a peg, to be reduced to "a cunt's natural place." That's not blame avoidance - that behaviour requires agency; it requires active desire; it requires active pursuit of the violence other women sometimes imagine themselves suffering, so they don't have to imagine themselves as being initiators of their own pleasure.
That's not blame-avoidance, and that's not normal.
Maybe it's because you've watched porn since your formative years. "That violent, degrading horror has taken root in my psyche, and germinated into this obsession I would never develop independently.", you lament, assuring yourself that it's not your fault. Maybe that's even true, but we both know it's not the whole truth. Plenty of women watched the same videos at the same age, and grew up either disgusted or bemused by it. Some became sex-negative radfems, but far more simply moved onto porn that was less male-gazy, or to reading sexy-yet-cozy doujinshi, or to listening to erotic audios. Some recognized the aggression as potentially fun, but valiantly rejected their assigned role of plaything, and became the Dommes you now drool over, whenever you finish imagining your own gangrape long enough to remember you're nominally Sapphic. But you didn't do that. You saw this stuff, and you loved it. You embraced it. It took root, and geminated because your mind provided fertile soil.
Why is that? Why are you like this?
Perhaps it goes back even further: From the day you were old enough to know anything, you knew that the women in your life catered to the men. But this isn't the fifties, you also grew up with everyone telling you that boys and girls are equal, and you can do anything a boy can do. It's an odd mixture of messages, but it's hardly like you're living the same life as your grandmother. You grew up watching women take shit, and watching women fight back. And all the other women we've discussed so far did too: The anti-sex radfems, the take-no-shit Dommes, the vanilla girls, the lesbians without dykebreaking kinks, so why did it get into you specifically? Why are you the one who can't stop gooning to posts like this one, asking you over and over to explain how much of a worthless, servile, inanimate, plastic, unthinking, unfeeling, unworthy little bitch you are? Why on Earth are you the one who developed these fixations, while all your friends are normal, or at least, more normal than you?
Maybe they're lying, you think, all women secretly crave male domination. It's unavoidable; it's an inevitable product of growing up in a male-supremacist society. Maybe you hold that belief for long enough that you forget the Feminist roots of it, and start insisting it's biological instead, and just like that it's not a fetish, you're an actual misogynist, and it's only a matter of time until you're actually living the life you've oh-so-often fantasized about, and we get to find out whether it completes you, or completely disillusions you, and leaves you more broken than before.
We both know it's cope. We both know that every woman you've ever met isn't secretly craving a good, hard corrective forced-dicking behind closed doors. But you are. It's all you think about most days, so why are you like this?
Maybe you tried therapy. You stated everything you get off to. But we both know the therapist did one of two things: They either took a culturally-Christian, moralistic approach, and encouraged you to attend a porn-addict support group, which failed immediately; or they started listing the justifications we've already dismissed above, trying to convince you "It's just a coping mechanism. Other people made you like this!" So you gave up, and you ended up back here, once again wondering why.
You try talking to other women in these spaces; try finding out what makes them tick. Surely one of them is like you; surely one of them has no rational explanation for her inclinations, which withstands scrutiny? They all say the same "Some people are just naturally submissive. It's not a gendered-thing, but since society tries to force women to be submissive, even when it goes against their nature, when one of us actually is, we end up internalizing, and embracing that misogyny." Maybe that's true. It's unfalsifiable of course. How would we discern that someone is innately submissive, when there's no control group, and no way to isolate the variable, but maybe it's true. The thought brings you some comfort, even if the lack of real conformation bugs you.
Is that why you're like this?
I have a better question: Why are you asking? Wondering why brings nothing but misery. It only makes you weep when you aren't rubbing. It causes every flush of pleasure to be succeeded by a plunge into shame. You're like this. You know that you're like this. The question isn't why, it's 'What should I do about it?' And the answer is simple: Stop worrying your pretty little head, and let men do the thinking for you. Slip down to your knees, and gag on my cock, until you've choked for so long you go lightheaded, and can't think anymore about why you're like this. You know you'll enjoy it. Girls like you always do.
