in which i process my thoughts on AODBās new success
Iām well aware that Iām never on this website anymore, and Iām also pretty sure that none of you want to hear about my anxiety, but I need to shout into a void somewhere so here we go!!Ā
Since AN ORCHID DARKLY BLOOMING was featured on Wattpadās Editorās Choice list a week ago, it has skyrocketed from about 1,000 reads to 8,000. Every time Iāve logged into Wattpad since the feature I am inundated with likes, reading list notifs, and comments. Which is so awesome, and totally blows my mind. I canāt believe people are really reading and enjoying my work.Ā
No, really. I literally canāt believe it. I keep waiting for someone to comment something nasty, or downright cruel. I seesaw betweenĀ ā8k isnāt really even that many people, calm tf downā andĀ āWtf hahahah I do not deserve this many readers, my story isnāt even that goodāĀ Which is... not fun??
In terms of plot, AODB is a story of one young womanās self-actualization and finding love in a steampunk paranormal setting. In terms of world-building, the metaphors are pretty clear: the vampires are in power, physically and economically draining the rest of the population, and they need to be overthrown. (I mean, come on, the classes are literally divided into three sectors in the city...?) In terms of character development, Esther learns how to channel her rage in order to accept love.Ā
Wait, what? You may be thinking. Thatās dark af. Why would someone need to feel rage in a journey to love...?Ā
Ah. Haha. Because it is not just Estherās story. Itās mine! Surprise! Overcoming trauma through writing it in a metaphor! Doing it over and over again until I conquer my past!Ā
I have been dealing with anger and rage in unhealthy ways my entire life. Through codependence, an eating disorder that I am still struggling with, an unhealthy and honestly very weird relationship with silence, people pleasing as a way of life, a phobia of driving, etc., etc., etc. It all comes back to the root of anger. This is why I get so pissed off when people say shit likeĀ āAnger is sadās bodyguard (:ā orĀ āAnger is a secondary emotion, what are you REALLY feeling??āĀ
I am angry about SOOOOooooOSSSOOOO much shit in the world right now; both in the world as a whole and the world as in my world. I am angry and in that I understand Estherās desperation, her hatred, her manipulation. I understand where sheās coming from. I feel for her.Ā
Iām not saying you have to understand the metaphorical implications of AODB to enjoy it as a book. I just wanted young women to see that fury, darkness, and desperate sadness does not make them lesser than -- and that a good partner will fight alongside them, instead of against them. That a good partner will honor their rage for what it is. That a good partner will never make them feel afraid. That a good partner would never lie, or manipulate, or hurt them.Ā
Iām rambling now, so let me circle back around. What Iām basically trying to say is, this is all Iāve wanted for a long time -- a lot longer than the two years Iāve been on Wattpad. Now that itās actually happening, it feels surreal and undeserved, even though I know I exhausted myself over this book for a year and a half.Ā
Bottom line? I know itās good. I am proud of it. I want to shout it from the rooftops that I did this, I wrote this amazing thing and I didnāt compromise for anyone and now itās doing Things out in the world!! ... but my fear that I will be seen asĀ ātoo muchā is excruciating. I feel as though I simultaneously need to do so much more (write faster, make better moodboards, answer messages, etc) and do less (shut up about the viewership, stop forcing giveaways on people, stop posting about its success)Ā
So... Iāll take a page (har, har) from Estherās book and speak honestly.Ā
Yeah. I wrote a book! Itās doing pretty well. I am happy about it and I deserve to be happy about it. It is the genre I have always dreamed of writing, and I didnāt sacrifice my vision. I wrote the book I needed to write. If I keep saying it, I will believe it, I will manifest the feeling of deservedness. I should be proud! Yes, I wrote a book...Ā
