SRF2 - "ducks and bears"
“Babe, I love you.” I re-read the text message over and over again, trying to find any hint of honesty in those four words. Tana and I had been friends for years, ever since our Mom’s met at Pipeline twenty years ago, and were best friends since. I was Tongan, Tana was Samoan. Both our families were the only Pacific Islanders in the congregation. My Mom remained faithful to two churches - the ‘white’ church and the Tongan one.
Our families were a good mix of the tokouso blend - from our Mother’s old school friendship to me and Tana - there were no cultural bounds. From Sunday school to Pipeline Community College, Tana was my best friend. It was only a matter of time that he would become my boyfriend. However, like in all relationships, someone gets bored and the other gets hurt.
Timing couldn’t have been more off as it was the week before graduation. We were the ‘it’ couple in our little group of friends, the ‘damn, they still together?’ duo that everyone kept tabs on. Tana was a stellar tri-athlete, and maybe not the brightest kid in the classroom but definitely the funniest. He received multiple athletic scholarships and two weeks ago committed to University of Oregon after a successful recruit trip. Go Ducks.
Me? I was the brains before beauty chic. I got accepted into the engineering program at Cal Berkeley in the Fall. Berkeley was my dream school since I was a little girl, attending Cal vs. Stanford football games on a regular basis with of course, Tana. I got admitted into Oregon too. But that wasn’t my dream, it was Tana’s.
Upon my acceptance and Tana’s commitment to Oregon, we publicly announced our next step to the northwest region to our friends and family. Of course, both our families loved the news as it spread like wildfire within the church congregation. Our Mom’s loved being the center of attention and our Dad’s made sure our academic endeavors was topic of discussion around the kava bowl.
It wasn’t until last night that I finally told Tana that I’d be staying in the Bay Area and attending Berkeley in the Fall.
“Berkeley? You didn’t even tell me you got in! Why the secrets Mel? Look at me!” His voice escalated from confused to angry in a matter of seconds. I wasn’t the one to lie or keep secrets away from him. We were best friends first.
“Tana, I’m sorry! I didn’t know how to tell you! You were so excited and I just didn’t wanna kill your vibe!”
“Well, how do you think I feel now? So, you’re just gonna go to Berkeley and ditch Oregon huh? Ditch me? Our future together?” His words stung. I sat there in silence, unsure of what to say next. I thought this conversation would be more along the lines of congratulation rather than condemnation.
“Babe, I’m sorry .. I, I .. I don’t know .. you know Berkeley is my dream school, it’s been in my plan since we were kids. I got my acceptance letter to Oregon before hearing from Berkeley. And when I found out .. I felt I had to hide it from everyone, especially you. I’m sorry.” As if the tears made it any better. Tana’s eyes glared with emotion and I couldn’t hold back either.
Tana opened his door and left the car, going back inside the church hall.
I knew I screwed things up this time.
I remained in my car, letting out the built up emotions I’d kept inside for weeks. The distance between Tana and I only seemed to grow. Our relationship barely survived the cheating fiasco that circumnavigated around school. Nina, Rina and the new girl Rachel. I’d cried myself to sleep so many nights but came to school with a fuck-it attitude. Tana told me that none of it was true, that all of this was a made-up story. But the screenshots of text messages I’d seen of the only number I had memorized told me otherwise.
My reasons to attend Berkeley were valid. I wanted a new beginning, a fresh start. On my own.
I had always been ‘Tana’s girl’ or ‘Sioeli’s younger sister’ or ‘the faifekau’s daughter’. I wanted to branch out and create my own identity. This I yearned for.
My hunger for individualism collided with my family’s expectations of me. I was meant to be married to Tana and play the trophy housewife. I was only to pursue a ‘Mrs. Degree’ because I wouldn’t work a day in my life, thanks to Tana’s success on the football field.
My confession to Tana was only the beginning. My parents, my family, my church. I had to tell them before Tana did.
“You can do this, Mel.” I looked into the rearview mirror only to see a broken spirit looking back.
I fought the tears and re-applied mascara.
Here goes nothing I thought, as I climbed out of the drivers seat and towards the church.
