Recall on the years I left Tumblr and I need an answer!
I actually stopped using Tumblr for quite a while. Often times I have so much thoughts to the point I donât know who to share it with. So now Iâm back, being active on social media. This is just my experience so if anyone who is struggling in the similar situation, Iâll be glad to give some tips and advices. There is one thing I am struggling with at the moment. While writing this, I cried so much... Please read this. The question will be at the end of the whole story. (Sorry itâs so long.. I donât know how to get this out of my system)
In the past years, it has been hectic. Literally, it was a roller coaster.
Let me start with my 2014 relationship. That is the year when I started college. In the first year, Iâd call it a honeymoon phase. We had a long distance relationship. It was about 5 hours apart from where I live to his. Everything my ex and I did was cute and meaningful. End up I moved to the same city as him and I transferred there. We lived near each other so we get to see each other everyday. This is where we fell apart. There was no spark to our love anymore. We were in our comfort zone. He stopped giving me the attention I needed. He stopped going to school because he had a part time job that paid him enough. In his free time, he would his games. We argue all the time. He pointed out how I never introduce him to my family. I told him he was a bum. That was our breaking point.
2016 is when I had a family emergency so I had to go back, which was 4 hours away from where we lived. In my thoughts, I took my chances that I finally get to actually leave him. On the other hand, he didnât want to. Eventually we did split up. During this time, I did talk to someone else. That person did give me a spark, but it wasnât enough. End up my ex and I went back to each other. The fights, the arguments, and the breakup kept repeating until 2018. Nothing had changed.
2018 was the worst year of my life. I went to a wedding with my best friend (heâs gay) and I met one of my friends that I knew back in high school. We started to talk, a lot. This part I am still dating my 2014 boyfriend. He knew I was talking to someone else so we broke up. I started dating my high school friend of mine. We had a lot in common, I mean literally a lot in common. We started to go to parties where I met a lot of my friends that I havenât saw in a long time. Some of them started to come up to me and tell me that I was dating the wrong guy and they donât like him. At first, it bothered me and I was kind of mad. Until I realized what they were talking about. He have a friend that he calls âbest friendâ. They literally talk about everything together and do everything together. Literally, everything. My blind and stupid self kept thinking that, yes, they are best friend and there is nothing going on between them.Â
While dating him, he went on a trip with her to Canada. Everyone told asked me, âare you serious? You let them go without you?â I had to tell them that I trust him. I mean we just started dating and he didnât hurt me. Because of that, I was feeling more insecure than I was before. We didnât really go on dates. Itâs usually going out as a group. He didnât get me anything or do anything special for our anniversary. His sister told me one time that I shouldnât trust him so much and end up telling me that him and his best friend is always together and they even slept together many times. Yes, I was that stupid. I still told myself that heâs dating me now so he didnât really talk to her as much. At the end of 2018, we had a New Years Eve party at our friends house. I was drunk and he just left me there. He was literally all up on his best friend. This is not the first time that he have done that. On Valentineâs Day, he even picked a fight with me and I didnât even talk to him. Realizing he took her on a V-day date. All of my friends felt sorry for me and asked me why am I still with him. I felt ridiculous. I donât even know myself.Â
I cried literally every day. I didnât know what to do. I found out one day that he was talking to one of his ex girlfriend. He told her I was crazy, possessive, and all the crap he could make me look like I am a bad person. He went to see her, even though she had a family of her own. I end up breaking up with him because I couldnât take it anymore. I end up reaching out to my ex because I donât know what to do. Talking to him made me feel so comfortable and safe. I missed him. We did meet each other but we didnât date again. After seeing my 2014 ex, my 2018 ex called me multiple times around 2 AM. I think it was more than 50 times. I picked up and asked him what was going on. He told me he misses me and so. I thought he actually did and we slept with each other before he found out that during out break up, I met up with my 2014 ex. February 2019 is when it went downhill. I was already going crazy. I knew I was cheated on and then revenge came along. I end up breaking up with the both of them.Â
What I realized was I did hurt myself too much. Not only myself but I hurt the others too. Especially my 2014 ex. I hurt him way too much, so I had a real closure with him. I told him this is a real break up. That we both hurt one other, especially I hurt him the most. That we need to move on for the best for each other. We need to find someone else who can make us become a better person. Of course I told him I was sorry and that we shouldnât see each other or be friends with each other. If we see each other in the streets one day, just smile and walk away like we are strangers.Â
As time pass, I met someone else. We settled down with each other. 2020 he proposed. Weâre engaged. Weâre about to get a house. Weâre getting marry in a few months.Â
I am happy, but I feel like Iâm still insecure. Of course he didnât do anything to hurt me. My bad habit of mine is going through his past. How he talked to his ex was really sweet, and talking to me is kind of similar. That kind of bothered me. Sometimes Iâm scared he might talk to someone else, when I know for sure he wouldnât do that. Heâs actually a sweetheart.Â
My fiancĂŠ and I did talk about everything already, but for some reason I still feel insecure. Maybe because I was hurt before and I canât move on? I mean I have told myself to forgive my ex for hurting me but sometimes I still feel like there is something that is stuck and dragging me down... Why do I still feel insecure?
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