🦋

Altijd zonder tijd, om te leven zonder even

[oktoberavonden]

zetel / huis / nest

ik wil mijn huis niet besmeuren met de kruimels van een eetstoornis. ik wil mijn dromen niet meer invriezen, geen muren bouwen in de woonkamer, de geur van honger niet meer ruiken. 

ik wil mijn letters op de koelkast schilderen. ik wil de dampkap horen sissen. ik wil broden bakken die je in hompen breekt en groenten koken, gekrulde groenten, uitgeholde. ik wil zelf niet meer uitgehold zijn. 

ik wil mijn handen gebruiken om mijn lichaam te omarmen, mijn voeten om stappen te zetten. ik wil leren dansen op grijze sokken zodat de moed me niet in de schoenen zinkt. 

ik wil mijn huid als een deken rond mijn botten wikkelen. 

dit is mijn lichaam. dit zijn mijn ogen waarmee ik naar de wereld kijk. als je lang genoeg wacht, zie je mijn pupillen van kleur veranderen. dit zijn mijn enkels die ik naar me toe kan trekken. dit zijn de toppen van mijn tenen. ze raken de grond als ik op mijn fiets aan een rood licht sta. 

dit is mijn buik die ademt op het ritme van mijn vader. 

dit is mijn lijf dat nog weet hoe vreemde handen er een plattegrond op tekenden. ik wil mijn lichaam dichtritsen zodat niemand er nog aan kan. dit is mijn pijn. blijf eraf. 

ik wil mijn hartslag niet om hulp horen schreeuwen. ik wil een bed dat zo hoog is dat ik eronder kan kruipen als ik bang ben. ik wil een zetel om mijn vrienden in te leggen. 

dit zijn mijn vrienden. 

ik wil een nest gemaakt van warme woorden, van kastanjebladeren, van wintereiken. ik wil een huis om te beloven: ik zal altijd pompoensoep voor je maken.

[wanna-be-heard]

Wauw

[shhhitsfine]

[mournfulroses]

Mary Oliver, from Long Life: Essays And Other Writings originally published in 2004

[funeral]

D.W. Winnicott

[weltenwellen]

Velimir Khlebnikov, Collected Works, Vol. 3: Selected Poems, tr. by Paul Schmidt

[fairydrowning]

"I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go."

– Charles Bukowski

[resqectable]

“Human relationships are strange. I mean, you are with one person a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together, and then it stops”

— Charles Bukowski

[xxrrisxx]

When nobody wakes you up in the morning, when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it, Freedom or Loneliness?

Charles Bukowski

[soul-from-another-era]

[weltenwellen]

Hanif Abdurraqib interviewed by Ruth Awad: Joy Is Not Promised to You

[inkskinned]

they keep the silverware in the same place. you forget about it a little bit when you move out, but during the holidays, it comes back. the way you smooth over your life for them, a gentle reckoning.

for a while, you tried to find yourself by being wild. throwing your body at the emergency exit. finding comfort in the sharpness of a held breath. you used to write wake up on the inside of your wrist. you couldn't calculate the weight of your own sorrow, only that nobody was looking at the anchor of it. you tried maladaptive coping mechanisms like catnip. got caught half-in half-out of them. felt, weirdly, like you should be embarrassed of all of it.

but it does get better. mostly it's just that you become a priority to yourself. it turns out that lending yourself the ragged edge is just cutting open more marrow. for a while, it felt good to see a physical representation of inward agony. but who was that punishing? you learned, slowly (so slowly it was almost invisible sometimes) that you could put love into the wound instead. that the floor was comfortable because it was certain - but it was cold, and unwanting. instead there is a warm bed. you learn to treat yourself like a kid again. gentle-parent yourself into the shower and over breakfast and into laughing without effort. you do wake up.

but then you come home again, and it is like everything is a strange kaleidoscope of childhood moments. here is how you inherited your mother's anxiety. there is the same music playing, and you can't sit down without worrying you forgot to do something. your mother's clipped words and hovering hands - are you sure? are you sure? birdlike, you find yourself seeing unwell and still end up repeating.

here is your father's anger. you are 16 again. there was a moment where you remember thinking - holy shit. i am so much more emotionally mature than you. how you have to talk him down from minor inconveniences, how you parent him like an errant and spoiled toddler who can't be told no, and i mean it. you feel the warp of you. why you can't be in the same room as people having a completely normal conflict. why your skin crawls if there's ever a hint of a fight. why you live with your hands up, placating. and god forbid you get angry. you feel that little spoiled kid rage against the iron will of you. not you, not your hands. you would rather cut your own tongue out of your head, no matter how valid her argument is.

and you're so fucking far from where you were as a kid. you've done so much healing. and there's this little sad part of you that can see the shadow of your past, and your hands wrapped into each other so tightly you made your knuckles white. and how much your parents are just people, and haven't changed much, and still keep the spoons in the drawer to the right.

there is a long dark tunnel here, and it has a name, but you haven't learned how to process that kind of speech yet. close the cabinet. make a note to go get more oat milk. close your eyes.

this place was never home, was it.

[feral-ballad]

Jihyun Yun, from Some Are Always Hungry; “Reversal”

[Text ID: “I so want to survive this. Please lead me whole into another season so I may dare begin again.”]

[sunsbleeding]

[starlightacademia]

“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”

[gentleholmes]

It is okay to say no to your responsibilities every once in a while. You're okay and things will be okay. Nothing horrible will happen if you give yourself a break every now and then. On the contrary, you'll probably end up feeling more focused and centered if you let yourself catch your breath. Stay in bed. Drink all the tea and coffee your heart desires. Play some videogames. Read a book. Eat some candy. Make your favourite hearty stew and eat it with freshly baked sourdough bread (store-bought is one hundred percent fine). Take a whole day for yourself and do it without guilt. Let yourself be human today.

[luthienne]

besties i’m going on a walk who wants to come

[screamon-deactivated20230625]

mary oliver