Found myself in such a funk. Iāve been giving myself permission to just not be ok. I had been laying in bed daily, not doing much, not seeing anyone. Scrolling for hours and hours. Re-watching old shows for hours and hours. I got to the point where even walking in stores gave me such anxiety. Somehow being around so many people rushing passed me, bumping into me was really causing me to spiral more and not want to be out. Then one day, I decided I was going to get up and get myself something nice to wear for my birthday and I was walking through the store and the only thing I could feel was the feeling of my heart racing and being so overwhelmed that all I could think was get back to my car and calm down. Then I found myself sitting in that parking lot for 2+ hours, I had been scrolling on Tiktok just to numb what I was feeling. I thought to myself, this is just as bad as sitting on the couch getting wasted to numb my feelings. The best part of my day, the thing that calmed me, the thing that made me not feel so overwhelmingly unhappy was scrolling on Tiktok. I couldnāt help but think Iāve got to do better. I used to know how to make myself happy and I know Iāve made myself happier than what Iām currently feeling.Ā
Suddenly I was filled with anger, just this sense that I know there is one person responsible for everything Iām feeling right now and itās not fair what they did to me. My heart started racing again and I drove home from that parking lot and I put on workout clothes and running shoes and decided to go forĀ walk. On my walk I let out the biggest overdue cry Iāve probably done all year. Right there I decided every day I need to let out this energy someone. If I need to workout or go for a walk or run, I will do it.Ā
This morning I decided that I would switch up my routines starting this weekend and week. I deleted all my apps where I tend to spend all my filler time. ie Tiktok, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. I woke up at 6:30am, got dressed for the gym, grabbed coffee and did a fast paced walk going all uphill for 30 minutes. Iāve been listening to wellness podcasts recently and one talked about how itās important to start your day with the same 3 songs that you know will help you set the tone for your day. As soon as I hit that treadmill I played my 3 songs. This week I am going to go with the following:
1. In the River by Tasha Cobbs
2. Everlasting God by William Murphy
3. While Iām Waiting by Travis Greene
For the last few years Iāve been going through a lot of spiritual growth, set backs, and come backs and these songs have been a theme of me listening to them when I am really going through it.Ā
After my 3 song starter, I listened to the wellness podcast on Spotify which, I donāt know if they said something that was particularly encouraging. It pretty much just gave me the space to center myself by meditating on what I am thankful for today, some affirmations that I made up for myself on the spot. This helped me to slow my heart rate and come back to myself the last 10 minutes of my walk. This also lead to a few minutes of crying as well. Which, has become a regular thing for me recently.Ā
I donāt know if this is the recipe that willĀ āfix meā and I donāt know what can be fixed on my own. All I know is that Iāve been deeply consumed with sadness, while in a way itās been refreshing to take a step back from doing constantly I know this isnāt a destination for me.Ā
Since Iāve not been using social media to fill my time, Iāve had space to nourish myself. To listen to my body, to give myself what I really need thatās not just going to be a quick fix. I found time on Sunday to just sit in a coffee shop and read a book Iāve been trying to finish. I received so much from those two hours. I give myself space to read at night when I would usually fill it with endless re-runs of some show that somewhat adds more anxiety to my life. Itās been nice to actually give myself the best I can at this time. Even taking time out of my day to journal instead of scrolling through instagram so I can get my thoughts out. It all feels like I am giving myself the first, the best.Ā
My only encouragement is that if I find myself in a rut again, switch up the routines. Give myself back what I give away every day: my time, my energy, my thoughts.Ā
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