What I Think

[knithappylady]

It’s Your Loss

It's your loss...

You have pushed away the very person who loves you the most.

It's your loss...

You will be without the person who would do anything for you.

It's your loss...

You will no longer have the person you could tell all your secrets to without judgment.

It's your loss...

With whom will you now watch moon rises?

Or take walks to nowhere?

Or sit at the kitchen table sharing the details of your life?

Or go on adventures?

It's your loss and mine, my dear, old friend.

I mourn your loss, not the bitter, angry person you've become but the fun, sweet, caring person you used to be.

I miss that person desperately.

But, I will go on.

I will thrive.

I will be happy.

I am worth it.

[knithappylady]

Trying to find my self respect and recover my worth. I need to get back to the “me” that deserves these things. 

[knithappylady]

Lost

I have had a pretty crappy end to 2021. Some of it, my own doing, some out of my control. I have hurt people I care about and I have hurt myself. I have lost a friend because of it. While it was my insensitive actions that led to our demise, I get the feeling that she didn’t think much of me anyway. Another dear friend has been upset with me, and I’m still not sure why. She refuses to talk to me. I can’t imagine my life without her in it, but people have a way of making up their own minds about things. While it isn’t fair, it’s just the way the world works. 

I have learned over time that we can only do so much. You can’t make people care about you. There are just so many things we have no control over. The only thing we can do is pick ourselves up and move on. We must try not to make the same mistakes over again, try to be better people, and live good, authentic lives. 

I need to surround myself with good, stable, honest people who uplift others and don’t bring them down. And I need to be that for the people who are still in my life. 

Still, I struggle for meaning and direction. When I had to go to my office every day, I was able to feel alive and vital. Being at home for almost two years now, I feel like my skin is crawling with anxiety, and I don’t know where my head is. Sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. I am a person who has always been fine with alone time. But, this has been ridiculous.

How do I go on? I must put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I will try to find joy in each day, be grateful for the people I do have in my life, and work towards improving who I am. 

I regret the mistakes I’ve made and anyone I’ve hurt. I wish I could go back and un-do my actions. But, I can’t. I must live with all the mistakes I’ve made. 

Although I feel wounded and lost, my spirit urges me to go on and live the healthiest, best life I can. I will continue to seek happiness. And, most of all, I will show those who care about me how much I love them.

[knithappylady]

Betrayal

I have a friend who I thought loved and valued me. But over the last year, she has done little to show me that. I attributed it to COVID and the fact that she has decided to not get vaccinated, while I was first in line to sign up to get my shot. I don’t agree with her choice and, frankly, think it’s dangerous and is contributing to the virus continuing to be an issue. However, I love and respect her and have continued to spend time with her. I have spent the last year texting her and rarely getting a response. I have tried to get together with her when I’ve been in her state and she has told me she didn’t feel like seeing me. I’ve been feeling pretty hurt by her behavior and lack of interest. But, now she’s angry with me and was pretty cruel about it. I still don’t fully understand why she’s even mad at me, since I had nothing to do with the incident that upset her. It’s really the cruel way she spoke to me and what she said. I am trying to be understanding but I feel she has never once given me the same understanding. I was listening to an interview with Oprah yesterday and she said Maya Angelou gave her two pieces of valuable advice: You give permission to people for how to treat you. And, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I think I have given my friend permission to treat me poorly because I have always been an understanding, loving, and loyal friend to her. I’ve never once gotten angry at her like she’s gotten with me. I always try to see her point of view, but she doesn’t seem to care about mine. Maybe this friendship is not good for me. I am hurt and angry and not sure if I even want to try to repair things since I feel I did nothing to incur her wrath. Any advice?

[staystrongandalwaysloveyourself]

[knithappylady]

Excellent advice, but how to let it go? I want to, I’m going about my day, but it seems to be lurking back there, waiting to come out and zap me. 

[knithappylady]

We give people permission for how they treat us, my cousin told me last night when I complained that everyone seems to be mad at me for things out of my control. I thought about that and I realize that I always put other people’s feelings above my own. I am a nice person. I care about the people in my life. I want them to be happy and do what I can to make sure of that. I am realizing, this is not serving me well. It’s not my responsibility to make others happy. It’s not my fault if someone decides not to get a COVID vaccine and then can’t attend events because of it. It’s not my fault that someone set the date of a wedding that is a bad time for someone else. I did all I could to help each situation but both were out of my hands and it is unfair that the people impacted are mad at me. They need to be adults and stop blaming the wrong person. They need to take responsibility for their own actions. And, they need to stop being selfish and thinking the world revolves around them. I can tell you the world never revolves around ME. In fact, the sky is usually falling on my head. I pick myself up with grace and dignity and continue plugging away. And, even with everything falling down around me. I am still happy and every day is a good day. So, this is not how the story is going to end. My story is going to end in strength, love, forgiveness, and beauty. I forgive the people who have treated me badly. I still love them. And, even though their actions were ugly, I’m going to see the beauty in these people and know that everyone makes mistakes, especially at high times of stress.

[knithappylady]

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

How many of you have felt like you were moving forward and getting past places where you were stuck, only to find you were being dragged backward by unresolved feelings. Today, I decided to clean out my text messages and cell phone contacts of people I don’t speak to anymore, especially those from my dating experiences, when I came upon “him.” He was the guy that captured my imagination and made me believe I could feel strong romantic feelings again. I longed for this man. I wanted him so badly, but we never met. We talked on the phone, texted, and occasionally Facetimed. The world he opened up to me was so inviting. I wanted to be with him and have that life. But, he didn’t want it. I had pretty much written him off. I stopped contacting him and he never contacted me again. But, when I saw his name, I automatically wrote a text. He didn’t respond. I’m sad and glad. If someone doesn’t want me, then, don’t lead me on. But, I’m sad he doesn’t want me. Or, at least, the idea of him, doesn’t want me. He wasn’t real since I never actually met him. He was a fantasy and I want the fantasy. The only thing to do is to move forward and live a happy life alone. I’m great on my own. I don’t actually “need” a man. But, I really feel I’ve got a great love left in me. Someone I could love deeply and who would love me deeply right back. We’ll see. I have faith.

[knithappylady]

I feel heartbroken, or at least, disappointed beyond belief. I’ve been talking to a guy who is just everything I would want in a guy and he basically ended things today. We were supposed to meet for the first time today and he canceled. He is a widower and says he’s not ready to date. But, we’ve been talking and FaceTiming and he led me to believe he wanted to meet me as much as I wanted to meet him. He said he woke up this morning crying and that he’s been feeling that he’s cheating on his late wife. I only wish someone would love me that much some day. I know she wouldn’t want him to be in pain and would want him to move on. But, he has to come to it in his own time. I knew it was a risk pursuing anything with him but I thought it was worth it. And, I wouldn’t trade these last few weeks talking to him for anything. It felt as if the world melted away and it was only he and I on the planet. I deleted all my dating apps and realized I’ve been settling these last four-plus years. I deserve to feel the fire that this guy ignited in me. I literally have met no one that made me feel that since I’ve been single, until him. It’s good to know I can still feel that. Now, I know how I need to feel when choosing who to spend my time with. Still, I’m very sad to have to let this guy go. If it is meant to be, he’ll contact me and we’ll eventually meet. Meanwhile, I’ll move on with my life and not let this get me down. I don’t want to waste a day feeling sad. I’ll practice self-care today and circle my wagons with those who love me. I’ll be okay and I’ll find that one special love. 

[knithappylady]

I didn’t feel very brave today. Last night, I got a message from my Dermatologist that she needed to speak with me about the pathology from a thing she removed from my leg. I don’t know if it was PTSD or what, but I felt my world starting to crumble under my feet. I knew the “thing” was cancer, just didn’t know what kind - the “bad” kind or the “not-so-bad” kind. I suddenly felt very alone in the world. Cancer is a lonely place to be. No matter how surrounded you are by people who will love and support you, in the end, it is you alone against cancer. I never even considered I would get cancer, until I did, and now, it’s this monster that comes out every now and then to remind me, you had a deadly, invasive being inside of you and it could happen again. I, for the most part, don’t live in constant fear. I go about my life. I try to make every day a good one, and I’m happy every day. I don’t put things off. I do the things that I want to do. But, a message from my dermatologist like the one I got last night was enough to bring it all back to the present. I don’t like that I have such an incredible fear. I AM a survivor. I will always be a survivor. None of us know when our lives will end or what will be the cause. I pray that it’s not cancer that takes me. I pray that I am very old when it happens so I get to watch my grandchildren grow up. Until then, I’ll live every day and enjoy my life! By the way, it was the “not-so-bad” kind of skin cancer and I’ll be just fine, hopefully!

[knithappylady]

The Five Year Mark

I’ve heard, sometimes even from health professionals, that five years is the milestone to reach in recovery from cancer. Today is the five-year anniversary of my diagnosis of breast cancer on May 18, 2016. However, reaching this day somehow doesn’t bring me comfort or make me feel that I’m in the clear. 

Truly, I believe that I was cured of cancer the day of my surgery to remove the tiny one-centimeter tumor. The thing that the doctors don’t factor in is that cancer stays with you. It is an experience that you never forget. And, in my case, it was life-changing. Not only am I permanently physically scarred, something changed inside me, too. 

Following cancer, there was an urgency that wasn’t there before, a sense that I don’t have all the time in the world on this earth. I was eager to change my life for the better, so that I could spend the rest of my days the happiest way possible. No, I didn’t buy a sports car, or quit my job to travel the world. It’s been way more subtle than that. I’ve developed an appreciation for the simplest of things. That means, every day is a happy, good day. I appreciate that I woke up and have another day to enjoy with the people I care about and doing the things that make me feel good.

That’s why I feel I was uniquely prepared to weather a pandemic in quarantine. I enjoyed all the tv show binges, jigsaw puzzles, knitting, reading, and walks/hikes. I spent quality time with myself and found joy in every day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m eager to get out again and do all the fun things I did before COVID, such as concerts, live music, plays, ball games, travel, and comedy clubs. But, I realized I don’t NEED all those things to be happy. I was happy to know that my family and friends were safe and healthy. I was happy to take quiet walks with friends (social distanced, of course).

Cancer changed my life and part of me is grateful for it. I pray I never get that horrific diagnosis again, but a five-year milestone can never erase what I went through. The impact of cancer will always be with me and helped put my life into perspective. I know now that you can’t wait to live your life - all we have is right now, so “...get busy living or get busy dying!”

[knithappylady]

I bared all for him and let him into my heart. What’s the point of dating if you don’t let someone in? I want something lasting and real so I allowed myself to be real and he broke that trust. I don’t even know what our status is since he’s pretty much ghosting me. I’m feeling blue because I really cared for this guy. The first guy in four years that actually broke down my walls. At least I learned I can feel deep feelings for a guy again. I was starting to think I would never feel anything deep. I have felt warm feelings in the past but nothing that would prompt me to put my heart on the line. I’m tough and I’m not going to be broken up about the loss of a 3-month relationship. But, I’m sad. I miss him. I miss us. It was really good. 

[knithappylady]

i think I’ll know my love when I can make mistakes and he forgives my human-ness. I hung up the phone without saying goodbye and I haven’t heard from him in more than 24 hours. It’s the first day that’s gone by without us connecting in weeks. Don’t know where we are. If it’s over, I’ll be very sad. I really opened myself up to this guy. it was a risk, and i might get hurt. Well, I’d rather know now that he’s not the one than months from now, or, heaven forbid, years. If it’s over, I’ll really miss him.

[knithappylady]

Trust

Trust is an interesting thing. I think we’re all born trusting. It’s quite shocking to our systems when we learn that not everyone is trustworthy. So, fast forward to middle age. At this point, many people have hurt you, lied to you, and broken your trust. You’re not so trusting anymore. If you find yourself in the dating world at 58, this could be an issue. You should trust this new person until they give you reason to not trust them, right? Not so easy. I’m really struggling to give my new man the benefit of the doubt. He’s been nothing but wonderful, but I sent him a text that required a response yesterday afternoon and he never responded. Then he sent me a text today that didn’t acknowledge yesterday’s text and he tells me that he can’t do the thing we had been planning for the weekend. I responded and he didn’t respond back. I want to trust someone again. But, will I ever really, truly be able to trust after all I’ve been through. The trauma of my last LTR might have a lasting impact on my life. I was devastated by the way me ex treated me. Yet, I would like a healthy, loving relationship. I know they exist. I know they can happen. Why has it been so elusive for me? I’m a caring, loving, kind, compassionate, smart, fun person. I know my worth. I’m a catch. Is it that men just suck? I don’t want to believe that. Nonetheless, I’m finding it hard to trust this guy, even though when we’re together, it’s great. It’s just not so great when we’re not together. I just hope I can calm the bells going off in my head and stop seeing a red flag that might not exist. My problem in the past was ignoring the red flags. Am I now hypersensitive and my trust issues are making it impossible to really believe I deserve to be loved by a great guy? In my head, I know I deserve someone loving, kind, smart, and accomplished. But, the conditioning from being treated like garbage by the men who said they loved me over the last 30 years could be getting in my way. Deep breath. It’s going to be okay either way because I’m all I need. And, of course, my fabulous girl friends!

[knithappylady]

Another break up. I cut him loose and he didn't care a bit. Good decision on my part. I've decided to believe there is a love match out there for me. The power of positive thinking, right?!

[knithappylady]

When Will It End?

I’ve been noticing lately that I’m being haunted by my ex. I don’t want to think about him. I have gone to great lengths to erase him from my life, including destroying all photographs of him, recycling every card he ever gave me, deleting him from all my social media - even comments on posts! Today, I was on LinkedIn and a mutual friend posted something and I wanted to look at all the comments to see who had commented (we have many mutual people) and it only showed 2 of the 3 comments. Since my ex and I blocked each other on all social media, I can only assume it was a comment from him, right? I don’t care what happens to him, but I wish I could forget I ever met him. He was a horrible abuser who almost destroyed me. After being verbally and emotionally abused, cheated on, lied to, and cruelly discarded, I somehow climbed from the ashes and moved away, got a new job, and now have an incredibly happy life (minus the pandemic)! I realize now I was sucked in by a love-bombing narcissist who never loved or cared about me. He actually told me over and over that he didn’t give a shit about my feelings and that my feelings were stupid. Yet, I stayed. I was deeply in love with the love-bomber at the beginning. I thought he was the guy I was with and magically that guy would come back if I acted right. My ex made me believe that the reason I wasn’t getting that guy was because there was something wrong with ME and I deserved rejection and mistreatment because I was the broken one. I now see him clearly for what he was (and still is, I’m sure). And, I know that I’m pretty great and have so much love, kindness, and compassion to give, which I do to my kids, my granddaughter, my friends, and family. They all love me and think I’m pretty wonderful. So, why does this guy still haunt me and upset me? We haven’t had any contact in over two years! My counselor says it’s typical for someone who’s been as badly abused as I was to feel this way. I just want it to stop! He took 13 years of my life, and did everything he could to cause me misery during that time. I will not let him take up one more second in my head. If only it were that simple. But, I’m working on it!

[knithappylady]

Hugs and Kisses

Feeling weepy today. Eight weeks is a long time to go without a kiss or a hug from the people you love. I especially want to hug and kiss my kids and my sweet little granddaughter, who gets bigger by the day. I’m grateful to see videos, pictures, and FaceTime with her, but it’s just not the same as being there, seeing her grow and change. I’m also trying to be grateful for all I have - a good job, plenty of food, toilet paper, and people who care about me. I try to stay away from the news and even Facebook. What got me today was seeing a post by a woman in my building that showed her and her husband hiking through a bayfront park together. In fact, all the couples out there who are probably getting on each other’s nerves and possibly even bickering - you don’t realize how lucky you are to have someone to share this time with you, to cuddle up to at night, to hold you when you’re scared and just can’t take it any more. I’m tough. I will survive. I will get through this. My life is great compared to so many who are suffering in a wide variety of ways. I’m just struggling today. Struggling to maintain a positive attitude. Struggling to take good care of myself. Struggling to see all the good in my life. And, there’s so much good! I’m blessed, really!

[knithappylady]

Gratitude

Today, I woke up especially anxious, almost in a panic, unsure if I could face another day of quarantine. I’m a breast cancer survivor and this time reminds me of when I was going through treatment. My world came to a halt. I did go to work, but I couldn’t do much else. On the weekends, I was too tired to go out and participate in the fun things I enjoyed before cancer. For eight straight months, I was mostly quarantined. People’s lives went on and I felt very forgotten and left behind. Only now, the whole world is quarantined and going through this along with me. I feel oddly prepared for this new life, not going out, not seeing anyone, feeling forgotten and disconnected. 

However, there are days like this in which I am so grief-filled I feel like I could burst. I follow the organization Living Beyond Breast Cancer on Instagram and a cancer survivor, like myself, wrote a blog post about overcoming the fear of recurrence, her cancer coming back. The only thing that worked for her was taking deep breaths and feeling grateful. When I read that, I realized what I really have known all along, it’s better to dwell on what you have that you are grateful for than focusing on what you don’t have or fearing the unknown future. 

I have many things to be grateful for - my kids and grand-daughter, first off! They are wonderful, good, honest, caring people. My grand-daughter is the joy of my life. She lights up my world! My kids are very lucky to have wonderful partners, too, whom I love dearly! I have a sweet family that helps make me smile, even when I feel like crying. I have the most amazing friends, intelligent, unique, kind, fun people. I have a job I adore that is professionally fulfilling and interesting and I work with a great group of professionals that constantly inspire me. I am blessed to live in my dream home and my neighbors are kind, respectful, and caring people. I have hobbies I enjoy, especially knitting, which reduces my stress and is a great creative outlet. And, I’m reasonably fit for a woman my age, able to run a 5K at any time. 

None of us knows just how long the quarantine will go on, or what the world will look like once we venture back out. I know it will be changed, hopefully for the better. Maybe people will be kinder to each other. Maybe we’ll care about protecting the environment and our planet more. We’ll definitely be washing our hands and sanitizing everything! But, the one constant for me is to live each day with gratitude and appreciation that I have another day!