New Beginnings

I started a blog many years ago when I was lost and I kept it for many reasons all of which were a desire to hold on to the past. I am not her anymore and anyone following that blog knows it, but now it is time for new beginnings and fresh starts true to the higher self of me. And that means letting go of the past and starting all over again, so here I am.

[knottedsnowflakes]

It is my parents 50th wedding anniversary and they asked that we come to Hawaii to celebrate with them. So we did, and they wanted a photoshoot with all of us.

Here are some of my favorites:

As many problems as I have with them, I do love my family.

[knottedsnowflakes]

I am sort of always shocked when people who have open relationships and claim to practice polyamory, find the fact that I am so calm about the fact that my husband is in love with another woman.

I have never believed that there is one true love out there, one person is not going to meet every one of your needs. People can fall in love with more than one person.

I have emotionally connected with other people and have been in love with other people too.

We agreed to monogamy. Despite the differences in our sex drives and such, we have established that physical sex with another partner is not allowed.

Because my husband ties physical sex to emotional intimacy it does bother me that he doesn’t think about positions future him could get into. But loving someone else? If I am truly a believer in loving more that one person that has to be both emotional and physical. I can practice letting my hubby love another, but I don’t have to be non-monogamous sexually.

[knottedsnowflakes]

My mom just fell off a ladder in her home and is being taken by ambulance to the big city hospital 45 minutes away.

I am not ready for my mom to have the kind of injury that leads to her not getting moving again.

[knottedsnowflakes]

So I was recently watching a stupid TikTok video and the narrator asked us to close our eyes and point to the future.

So I did. I pointed to the right.

She then proceeds to say that most people point in front of them, but that neurodivergent people will point in a different direction.

Now, I just want to ask everyone this question.

[knottedsnowflakes]

Maybe I am wrong, but...

Okay...I am tired of hearing IRL people telling me how stupid I am, but they don't understand my relationship, so I am putting this here where maybe no one reads it, but it is out of my head.

Don't feel like you need to read or anything...

My long time (nearly 30 years) partner has fallen for one of his students. I knew it was coming and I don't think he really did, but he "accidentally" walked into becoming her "college dad." They text a lot throughout the day, she shares all kinds of inappropriate information with him (crushes, people she has slept with, deep family stuff).

This started because she was suicidal and really needed someone to talk to and he is compassionate and a good listener and he cares about his students.

She started the daily repeated emails, and the "good morning." email. And the just random poke email. That moved to texting. I believe that J believes he will not do anything that would jeopardize his marriage to me. I believe that he thinks this is all innocent and that she is not in the least bit attracted to him. I believe that he thinks that because she is 30+ years younger than him and the age of his children that he is somehow safe.

I believe that she doesn't want to be attracted to him.

I don't trust either of them not to make a mistake.

And when I tell him that I think he needs to be careful, that I don't think he is as safe as he thinks he is, he tells me all the logical reasons why nothing will happen. And they are good reasons.

Yet, last weekend when I was out of town for the weekend, he stayed in his office at work until almost 10 PM hanging out with her and talking. And he didn't tell me. I was looking to see if my son had made it to the airport and noticed that J was still in Berea. When I texted him, he didn't respond until way later.

I asked him to be careful, and his response is to brush it off like nothing can happen the door was open (in an empty building) he didn't touch her (this time)...I believe that he truly believes that logic will win out in the end and nothing will happen because he just logically won't let it, and she doesn't want it.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it will, and she doesn't. But I just don't trust it, and I would feel a whole lot better about all of it if he would also just admit that it is a risk and a possibility. I think all or nothing thinking is a huge problem. I will not be leaving IN until Tuesday AM, which means that I will not be home Friday or Monday and that leaves time for them to hang out late in his office again. Will he do the same thing and pretend again that there is no risk?

[knottedsnowflakes]

Best day

Long, no need to read, but follow up to a previous post..

yesterday morning, I was sleeping when my partner woke me up at like 5:30 AM.

“They found him!”

“Taco!?!”

“Yes, you have a message.”

The relief. 😮‍💨

I hunt around and find the message, and get in touch with the person who found my dog.

I could tell you the story of what happened, but it makes absolutely no sense, so I am going to tell you my theory of what really happened instead.

Taco got out Tuesday night, and returned to a place where he once found a pizza he could enjoy. While it appears far away from our home, it is actually right behind our fence.

Someone saw him, and because he has no fear of humans (or didn’t anyway, we will see what changes this adventure brings), he ran up for love and attention. They took him and decided to keep him, despite the tags.

The couple that hunted us down to get in touch, came to Lexington to visit their grandma in the hospital. They stopped by mom’s house and noticed a dog that shouldn’t have been there, and they asked mom. Mom told them he was found and they tried calling the number on the tag (which is our vets number on his rabies tag). Being 10 PM on a Friday, of course the vet’s office was closed. But they wanted to get this dog back to their owner, so they search social media and find a shared post of mine about Taco.

It is not my original post, so it was harder than expected to get in touch with me (I didn’t put my phone number on pawboost, I wasn’t sure how legit the company was, but I was desperate…turns out it was legit and worth it). We finally work it out and the couple gets in touch. My Dog has made it to Hazard 2 hours away.

we drive to Hazard to get him. Personally, I don’t care where they found him or how they got him. I just wanted him back. Hubby was trying to find out more, but their story didn’t make sense, I suspect they didn’t want mom to get in trouble for stealing a dog and they were trying to keep us from knowing how mom was involved.

anyway, Taco is home, safe and sound.

wearing an airtag

while he slept in the car the whole way back (not his usual car behavior), he did want to go for a walk

And he slept in his usual spot

[knottedsnowflakes]

Okay…this will be long, no need to read.

This is Taco:

He is my 13 year old chihuahua/terrier mix.

He spent the last month in bad shape because he had an legos reaction to something and his hives got infected, so he looks like this at the moment:

But he has started feeling better and so he has started going back to his “adventuring “ behavior.

We have an electric shock collar for just this reason. It keeps him in the yard.

Tuesday night, my hubby took Taco for a walk and forgot to put his collar back on him. Taco disappeared and we haven’t seen him since about 6PM on Tuesday.

He is tagged and microchipped. We have put up signs and posted on social media.

We have searched the neighborhood and talked to neighbors.

We have NOT found a body or heard from any vets.

He is super friendly and will get in the car with anyone, so he could have been found, picked up, and taken home with someone who thinks that he is totally not cared for by his owners because he looks like he has mange or something.

Right now though, I am really struggling with not blaming J for this. I know it really isn’t his fault, but O can’t seem to stop myself.

[knottedsnowflakes]

This past weekend, I made a knife. Well, I bladesmithed a knife. I started with the blank.

Heat treated it in the forge.

Shaped the handle and made the “nails”

Put it all together

And finally, shaped and sharpened the blade,

It was really fun and now I kind of want a forge and grinder.

[knottedsnowflakes]

Never fun when you have to tape off part of your house and find another place to stay because you found yellow jackets living in your walls when you started tearing them out.

[knottedsnowflakes]

First Draft of Post for other social media

If you are a liberal, and you wanted Biden out of the race. You got what you wanted. If I see you posting on your social media about how the person they selected to run doesn't match your values and so you don't think you can vote for them, I will personally come to your house and beat you expect you to go out and vote for them anyway. Why? Because if you didn't want Biden to run, you certainly don't want Trump to win. This is not about the lesser of two evils, you may not appreciate everything that your running candidate chooses to do, but one side is definitely closer to your value system and morality than the other. Vote for the side that is truly NOT evil in your opinion.

[knottedsnowflakes]

really unpopular opinions

Is it sad that I think Biden dropping out now was all a ploy to put a female of color in the running for president as there was absolutely no way that the dems would have voted for a female in the primary? We proved that with Hillary.

Is it sad that right now I think that anyone willing to vote for Trump is an asshole? The moment Biden heard Trump was shot he checked in and made sure he was okay. He demonstrated compassion. The moment Biden dropped out of the race, Trump was an asshole. I don’t accept that is what conservative America wants, but I also don’t think they know what they want. They are hurting and angry and Trump is giving them a chance to vocalize that.

[knottedsnowflakes]

I don’t need a kitten…right?

Sophie had a rough life, but she has been my cat since she was a kitten. She never really learned to kitten though, and honestly I never wanted a cat, she just sort of happened to me.

that said, I can’t imagine my life without her and while she probably has many years of life left, she is 13, I am thinking about if she would be my last cat, I am also thinking that I might just possibly need more than one…

[knottedsnowflakes]

A dream…

I was young (and maybe pregnant). I took my boyfriend (who was NOT the father of the baby) to a family photoshoot at Eddie Bauer (yes, the store). Somehow I forgot my pants, and while slightly embarrassing because my parents were seeing me without pants on, the me watching the story play out in my head was wondering why I was taking new boyfriend to a family photoshoot, but dream me acted like this was quite normal.

While we were waiting for the photoshoot to start we were sitting on a couch in a house I knew was the one I dreamed about living in pretty much every night until I sold it in 2011. I knew it wasn’t my house and I was telling BF about my memories of that house and wondering if my sanctuary of a bedroom was still the same.

I woke up while we were sitting there and talking before we got up to see if the house and my bedroom were still the same.

This has caused me to remember a lot of the dreams I had about that house and I slightly confused about whether those things were in my dream again tonight or if I am now just remembering them.

[knottedsnowflakes]

This is Sammie.

We got her when my aunt could no longer care for her. She has had a rough life and has never really learned good social behavior.

Because she never really requests petting or affection, I have often wondered if she even misses us.

Now that I have been a weekend only person for a year, she has learned that when I am here it means extra treats, but it also means more love and she will whine until I sit down and pet her.

Love this girl.

[knottedsnowflakes]

Today's exciting activity is to lay out the calendar for the school year so I know when classes are out of session and when they aren't. I need to make sure I am laying out a decently working schedule. :)

I have a lot more to do that it seems like a I do and I need to use my time effectively rather than fucking around all day, but I can't seem to find my motivation...

It's here somewhere.

[knottedsnowflakes]

Okay...For real...

I am going to type this out and recognize that I sound whiny, but if I can't just vent here, then where.

My partner really enjoys some of the MJ. I would never deny him his vice, but I do wish he would think about the impact his choice has on me. What do I mean by this? Well...he already has a low sex drive and when he does the MJ, it makes him be disgusted by any sort of touch or affection, and that disgustedness is not something he can just hide. The look on his face if I even suggest needing a hug (let alone sex) makes this look beautiful.

I do my best to understand that it isn't really him and he isn't really saying I am unattractive, but I will say that it makes me really feel badly about myself and my body. And it makes it hard for me to stay focused on caring for my body. Like why even bother dealing with what I don't really like about my body when he is going to "make himself do what needs to be done to keep me happy" regardless of how fat I get or what size clothes I wear...

[knottedsnowflakes]

I love my husband. I love my husband. I love my husband.