Know What's Fucking Crazy?

@knowwhatsfuckingcrazy

509 posts

Churches, Temples & Mosques.

In the world, there exists physical buildings, many of which are big, extravagant and ornate, where people of a similar faith come inside to gather in order to experience spirituality, sing songs and worship a higher power together, sometimes in languages they barely speak nor understand, despite there being literally zero physical evidence of there being a higher power.

If that’s not legitimately fucking insane, I don’t know what is.

Athletic Cups.

Hanging on the outside of our bodies, human males have two sexual organs. We use one of them to pee and bone with, and the other is a skin sack containing two testicles from which we’re able to procreate with sexually receptive mates — or by force with unreceptive mates, Brett Kavanaugh-style.

These appendages are extremely important to us. So much so, when we play contact sports, a smart thing we’ll do is protect them from unpredictable shots, grounders, elbows or tackles. We do this by putting them inside an oblong piece of rounded fucking plastic inside a fucking support pouch, held in place by an elastic fucking waistband and two fucking straps.

Holy fucking fuck, you guys.

Human Body Temperature is 98.6 Degrees Fahrenheit.

Like, what? Why 98.6? Why not, just, like, 100?

What the fuck is even happening?

Boogers.

Well, fuck. We always knew this day would come.

Take a big fucking sniffle and listen to this shit:

In our nasal cavity, we can actually create nasal mucous designed to stop germs and dirt from entering the rest of our body. It’s like a gooey border agent that dries out and becomes dried pieces of yellowish-green grossness stuck inside the inner linings of our lower nose.

And then this dried grossness sometimes sticks out of our noses and we are forced to shove our finger inside to dig it out.

All of what I just explained is pretty fucking gross/crazy.

Boobs.

I don’t know if you know this, but attached to the front of women’s chests are dual, varying-sized bags of tissue and fat with nipples in the middle of them, designed for the sole purpose of secreting milk for feeding infants during a roughly 30-year fertile period of a woman’s life.

Oh, yeah, and because of evolutionary psychology, these bags are also considered an important form of sexual attraction for men (and lesbians).

Holy fuck, you guys! Every single part of what I just said is fucking insane!

Kim Jong Un.

Fuck, this guy is so fucking crazy.

Airbags.

A plastic bag folded up inside my steering wheel designed to rapidly fill up with air in the event of a collision in order to cushion my head, face and body from being fucking decimated?

Fuck YEAH. Put me down for two.

Pockets.

When you stop and think about it, pockets aren’t that crazy. But when you, like, really stop and think about it, pockets are ridiculously fucking nutstastic.

These days, we need to carry around a lot of shit at all times: a mini computer, a wallet, a wad of sweaty cotton and stamped pieces of metal we use to buy things, occasionally a pen, and sometimes packages of sticky synthetic rubber pieces we chew on to make our breath smell alright.

Jesus! How the fuck would we live without those little pouches built into the front and back of our pants?

The Grand Canyon.

Like, what the fuck, right?

How is this place even physically possible? It’s just this mile deep hole in the Earth, formed by a fucking river over the span of millions of fucking years.

HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SO BIG AND MAFUCKINGJESTIC??

Neo-Nazis.

Hey assholes, guess what?

YOU'RE ALL FUCKING BATSHIT INSANE.

Paparazzi.

In the world we live in, there are real life humans whose job is to follow around famous humans and stake out at the places they live or go in order to capture photos of them and sell those photos to magazines and websites who make money from other humans who pay to see photos of these famous humans living as if they were rare wildlife. These photo-takers basically get paid to legitimize middle school gossip at scale.

Is that not the craziest fucking job you’ve ever fucking heard of?

Except maybe astronauts. Astronauts have a crazier job.

Handedness.

So I throw a football, swing at a baseball, write things down and punch people in the face with my right hand, because, like 90% of the rest of the world, I naturally grew up doing it that way.

But there are a huge number of human freaks who do ALL these same things naturally with their left hand, something that would be awkward and unthinkable for the rest of us. Like, why is this even a thing?

Also what the fuck is wrong with all those people?

Beauty.

Holy fucking fuck, you guys. What is beauty? Why is someone beautiful? Why do we find certain physical traits in other humans desirable and attractive? Why do these traits make us lust after the person who has them? How in the gorgeous fuck is it actually possible the symmetry of someone’s fucking face will make you want to stick your genitals inside that person or let that person stick their genitals inside you? What the fuck is even happening?

Wifi.

Ho. Ly. Fuc. King. God.

What kind of crazy supernatural shit is this? Like, how is this even possible? We can just plug this little futuristic piece of metal and plastic into the wall and turn it on, and then our phones and computers can use fucking radio waves through the motherfucking air to connect to the internet so we can wirelessly buy things, scroll Instagram, watch Netflix and look at porn?

That is truly, truly, truly fucking crazy. Truly.

Protesting.

When human beings feel a particular event, policy or situation is unfair, they express their ensuing anger and attempt to influence the situation by entering the streets, chanting, marching, singing and holding up props or pieces of cardboard with (often clever, irate and/or funny) messaging scrawled on them to make their point succinctly and memorably.

One person doing this public display of displeasure usually doesn’t cause anything to change, but when a shit ton of people join in, shit fucking happens and the world fucking changes.

#MayDay2017 #RESIST

Climate Change

According to almost every scientist on Earth, the temperature of the planet is not only rising, it’s being magnified by man-made emissions. So unless you’re a complete backwater cousin-fucking dickhead (or the current President of the United States of America), climate change is an undeniable fact.

Gonna try not get political with this, because I don’t think science should ever be a partisan issue. But holy fucking FUCK, everyone. What the fuck is wrong with people who don’t believe this? What more proof do you assholes need? How fucking stupid/ignorant/selfish can you be?

Even if climate change is a hoax, is protecting our environment no longer important? Are we really leaving the fate of our grandkids’ planet to a fascist, ignorant orange asshole who wants to put corporate interests above the consequences for future generations?

I mean, WHAT IN THE SOLAR HOT FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING?

Hot Sauce.

When we like a certain food but want that certain food to have even more flavor, we add a few droplets, shakes or sprays of an often brightly-colored liquid made out of chili peppers, vinegar and other ingredients designed to induce a pleasant heating sensation inside our mouths. And depending on how strong the peppers are that make up said sauce, the flavoring can vary from not very spicy to holy fucking fuck what the fuck did I just do to my body fuck me God why oh fuck God no.

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