There’s a lot of things to search for, especially when it came to her.
You think being a pirate, one of the top things would be treasure, money, all that sort of jazz. Well... not with her.
She was searching desperately for that will, that drive to keep going, to keep fighting. It was becoming a real struggle. Her mental health was really starting to take a huge hit because of this.
She wasn’t sure how often or how many hours she spent just sitting at her table staring at a map full of pins. Journals sprawled across, with a few white feathers at the side ready to be used.
Was it even worth it anymore?
Sighing softly she brushes her hair behind her ears, dull eyes, rather than her usual burning with fire, locked on the pages of her journals. She wasn’t even reading any of it, everything was like a blur at the moment. Maybe a sign she should rest.
Rest came with nightmares though.
Those were things she was trying to escape from.
So many things to run from, it was starting to get tiring.
She needs to find drive to keep pushing herself forward.
She can no longer rely on Benjamin nor Flower to give her those gentle nudges. She was a captain, a leader to all those people below deck right now. She was meant to be a protector for them somewhat, how can she possibly do that with a clouded mind?
Everything wasn’t the same since that day, the dreadful Paris memory. Yes, while she did have good memories there, the terrible one seems to over shadow those, even if she did remember them she was sure she would only feel upset.
Upset that it was ruined in the end.
She closes her eyes, leaning back in her chair, crossing her arms. She needed to find that feeling again, from anyone else or something else rather, instead of him.
The less she relies on someone, the better. She didn’t need others to make her happy, to give her that feeling of I’ve done it, I have my life in my hands, it’s all come together.
There was also that underlying one, comfort, safety, love. Yes she had those, platonic wise, it was different to the one she desperately wanted.
It was like an addiction at this point. How can you have withdrawal symptoms from an emotion.
Did she crave it desperately because she found it so hard to trust others, to let them in, because everyone around her seems to be afraid of her? That she’s going to kill them in cold blood?
It hurt sometimes.
Yet... when she was with him, he never judged her or gave her any looks for what she did. He kept her grounded, was able to control that anger of hers.
It just seems she was off the rails entirely as of late, like a loose beast, a dragon if you will. Burning a path in her wake.
She frowns opening her eyes again, swiftly getting up out of her chair, heading outside onto the main deck, staring out at the vast ocean. No civilization in sight.
Quiet, peaceful, yet lonely.
She rests her cheek against her palm, pursing her lips in thought as she crossed her legs at her ankles, letting the salty wind blow her hair back.
She felt entirely lost, mentally. She wasn’t sure what to prioritize.
That feeling, her will and drive to keep going, to struggle on her journey to be at the top, or the most deadly one of all.
Her sigils and the whole thing behind that. It was dangerous, it put her life at risk, one would think that should be number one.
However the other two also put her at risk, mental health wise, who knows when she will snap.
Clicking her fingers she watches a flame come to life, keeping her eyes on it as it danced along with the wind, letting a warm glow light the darkness around her. Tiny embers floating off in the direction the wind was blowing.
Maybe the sigils would be best... it limits her when it comes to her fire. Who knows what it was going to do to her, maybe start to mess with how much fire she is able to create without harm.
Groaning she pushes herself away from the rails, trudging back into her quarters to map out a new course.
Guess she was just going to have to get lost in searching for more information on the stupid thing.
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