A measure of peace @kotaktisu - Tumblr Blog

To arrive at this point, I must be very brave. I left my old habits and life, left my comfortable job for a master's degree, came back and grabbed a new challenge.

I feel scared, and it is normal. It's something I have missed while being stuck in the comfort zone. How to work properly, how to behave, how to show up every day with some standard. To get to the next level feels harder than before. Perhaps I need some time and new experiences.

To live true to myself is scary. I do it because this is the life that I have been praying for.

i missed her so much

Manifesting a privileged, bare minimum, purposeful, God-oriented life 🙏

Life has meaning when you feel powerful and grateful at the same time. You know that your power comes from above. Nobody can do it by themselves. It is only by His grace that you keep going, because no matter how arduous the journey is, He is carrying you from the beginning.

Ketika aku menerima rasa sayang dari seseorang yang memang benar menyangi aku, aku teringat pada masa laluku, dimana aku mengemis rasa sayang pada orang yang salah. Saat itu aku mengira bahwa hanya dengan mengikuti kata hatiku, menyukai seseorang itu adalah pemenuhan emosional sejati. Tetapi, alangkah keliru bahwa kita tidak menyertakan logika, sehingga kita lupa kapan harus berhenti. Selalu bertanya, layakkah aku untuk dicintai, tetapi belum sadar, bahwa yang diganti adalah orangny, bukan cintanya.

Memang ada kebingungan tentang pemaknaan ini, karena dibesarkan dengan cara yang terbatas. Tapi itulah yang hanya bisa diberikan orang tua. Selanjutnya, apa yang kita ingin benar cari, harus secara mandiri untuk didapatkan. Kemandirian ini pun mesti dibekali dengan confidence dan juga feasibility, yang mana yang terakhir adalah hal yang aku abaikan -- Seakan-akan aku bisa mendekati siapapun tanpa berkaca, seolah ia tidak bisa memukul balik.

Konsultasiku dengan ahli menghasilkan kesimpulan bahwa memang pembawaan diriku yang menurunkan kesuksesan untuk dicintai. Mungkin faktor internal dan eksternal, jalan hidupku yang membuatku menutup diri, tidak mau jujur pada orang karena aku sendiri pun menuntut diri ini. Semestinya, dengan menyayangi diri tanpa tuntutan, aku menarik perhatian orang-prang berbeda. Orang yang bisa enjoy sama keadaan, bahkan keadaan aku yang memang masih berkembang.

Kalau aku bisa bertemu diriku 10 tahun yang lalu, I will tell him everything he needs to know.

Is it about what you want, or what you are supposed to do?

I am at a crossroads again. After several months of performing mundane tasks, I just feel tired. Is this what I want?

I forgot her touch, the one I missed so much. Here I am, having setbacks for the upcoming months, and I miss her more than ever. I want to say that I need her.

And I got to keep going and walking, even when I don't feel like doing it.

Enjoying my life

Living abroad to study for my master's degree while everything is being paid is one of the rarest chances, not many people were having it. I am truly blessed, and I feel blessed. While day-to-day feels like up and down, knowing that I can make every day count puts things into perspective. This is my chance to prove myself, not because I am validating my insecurities but because enjoying the process is self-identity founding.

It was November of last year. I kind of remember it like it was yesterday. I took you to your place, and it was suddenly raining. We stopped by a cafe that I usually pass by while running every Saturday morning. We waited for a while, drinking coffee and hot chocolate. We were still working on ourselves, trying to get to know each other. That day was normal. I forgot what it was like not to be loved back. With you, I feel at peace. This journey will bring the best of our future. I am forever grateful for this moment of my life.

At the end of the rainbow pot, there is gold, but that's it.

I pray for her. I pray for her peace. I pray for her growth. I pray for her success. I pray for her happiness.

Am I falling in love again?

Perhaps some of you know my story. I've been unlucky with love. Recently, I was getting close to a friend, and I've been missing her for weeks. It doesn't feel lonely, but I admit it's getting quiet for some time. I feel anxious if the love is unrequited, so I cope with it, using a sense of avoidant. While I'm waiting, I'm writing this to regulate my feelings. I am waiting for her so we can get a date later.

I know what I want. It's been too long, and getting a responsibility might give me meaning. God, please give me a chance.

I would be missing lots

If I were being given a chance to turn back to the past, especially in 2015, would I picked it?

Lets see what happened in 2015:

I lost someone to somebody else

I had the worst score of my uni life

I seek validation from achievements

I met new best friends

I still had everything going on in my home.

etc

Using my current knowledge, if I picked the chance to go to the past, I would be richer, given the crypto and stocks were bullish. But on the other hand, I would meet my dead friends. I would never meet a girl that gave me a new hope. That is pretty sad.

I would not pick it, the chance to go to the past. I'm not worrying about what could have been, not anymore

The more I learn, the more I don't know

kotaktisu

I don't wanna die anymore. I crave for an adventure.

kotaktisu

Last Saturday, I tried to put my hands and legs to drive myself on a road trip. The last time I stopped to be a driver was because I had an accident back then, and I had anxiety. Now, I finally regained my confidence.

On the other hand, I was not overthinking on that day. I put all my problems beside me, and I was enjoying what was currently going on. So, doing an adventure was a cure, an antidote to depression, and I couldn't wait for more.

Being mentally healthy is kinda boring. I used to have my ups and downs and I was addicted to it. Now, when I set my priorities right, when I know what I want, I'm just letting go what is not meant to be.

We accept the love we think we deserve

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A measure of peace