childe headcanon- tw for: pstd , trauma, anxiety attacks. gets a little descriptive so i’m giving a forewarning and that it gets pretty long-
under a readmore just to be safe ouo
I feel like the Abyss really fucked him UP, and he might not realize to the extent of how bad it affected him? Like yeah he knows that it turned him from being kinda carefree kid to a slightly deranged and empty teen ( IN A MATTER OF ‘3 dAYS’ MONTHS ) and that it’s not healthy for anyone to go from 0-100 or that harsh a jump from innocent adolescence to a battle hardened soul. but he almost thinks of it as a challenge he overcame and almost wears it with pride? like “yeah man you’re strong but i fucking survived living in the abyss for months ( albiet with hELP ) and thats when i was 14 and ive only gotten better come at me”
when’s he’s still in the immediate aftermath of escaping he doesn’t believe it. he just thinks its another ‘test’, thinks his minds playing tricks on him, that he’s out safe and happy with his family-- he doesn’t believe it and it takes a LONG time for him to truly accept and know that he did, in fact, make it out. he really is with his family. he IS safe. he constantly has to ask where people are, where they’re going, when they’ll be back ( if he can go with so he doesnt have to be on his own ). acts of unprovoked aggression like fighting wild animals or throwing punches at family members- mostly in defense if startled or touched out of nowhere ( which he denies happening- he’d never hurt his family )( he always apologizes after profusely, definitely in tears ). the family learns very quickly to be careful with him ( because they care so deeply for him ) for a while until he isn’t seemingly always on edge. they know he isn’t trying to attack them because he WANTS to hurt them, but out of whatever happened to him made him so uneasy by every little thing- every noise, every shift of furniture-
anytime he thinks back on those actions he just thinks of them as a child waking from a nightmare and wanting comfort from a parent, not that something was really wrong with him. just a child thrilled by the thought of violence ( a healthy thing, yes, of course )
but he doesnt realize that at times when it’s too dark and/or too quiet he feels paranoid ( he’s back there isn’t here, this whole time his mind had played a trick on him ). he doesnt realize the way his throat feels too tight and finds it hard to breathe. he doesnt notice the way he clings onto anything around him to find some purchase, something to ground him. he doesn’t notice how he instinctively thinks of his parents, of his siblings, something to lighten the internal tug at his chest. he never understands the reason why when he creates beautiful and glowing seacreatures with his Vision ( penguins, dolphins, schools of fish, otters ) that it helps calm him down, eases his body to become relaxed- he just knows it WORKS.
if he has a milder attack at home before he leaves snehznya teucer ( or any of the other siblings ) would probably take notice of something being off with their brother ajax and would give him one of their stuffed animals ( likely a bear ) with a declaration of “to protect you while im not there” or if wanting more subtly to not freak him out or make him upset “i want (insert animals name here) to see the world! take them with you and don’t you dare lose em!”
he doesn’t know what it is until one partially bad episode when he’s shaking so bad, unable to do anything but hold himself. if he’s in a chair when it starts, or if he was in bed comfortable and ready for the night, he ends up on the floor, back against a solid surface ( wall, edge of the bed, back of a desk ) as he struggles.
he can’t seem to focus on making the cute critters ( anything that comes out looks like a monster from the abyss which he can somehow still recall vividly- why is it so clear in his memories the way they looked, they smelled-- ), nothing stays in a solid shape of water for very long. he can’t feel his fingers, his legs, his sight feels hazed and blurred and nothing seems to be in focus no matter how hard he tries. he only feels how scared he is, can only feel how difficult it is to get air in his lungs, can only think of how desperate he wants to call for help- but knows there isn’t anyone around he can ask. in his delirium and shattered state, he thinks to the stuffed animal he kept in a secret compartment ( in a bag? in a shelf? in a locked drawer on his desk? ) and takes it out, hugging it against his chest so tight he half expects the poor thing to be ripped apart and have it’s fluffy insides leak out.
it takes all night for him to become any sort of functional enough to leave his room, and he still looks as awful as he feels as he slowly drags himself from task to task ( refusing to do anything outside of mundane like paperwork or storage rearranging-- “maybe another day comrade but for today i’d rather be here” ). no one makes a comment, whether for their sake or his own, but he’s well aware of how off he must be if people are avoiding him more than usual.
he does not want to experience that again, but he has to figure out what it is first to see if he can do anything about it, but he almost doesnt want to acknowledge whatever it is, almost denying it to make it not real ( he’s not weak- refuses to be weak, this isn’t bothering him, he can handle it on his own )- thinking that if he accepts it that it’ll become worse.
likely does secret investigative work, reading any articles, documents, research, he can find on the body suddenly refusing to co-operate and ‘shutting down’, sudden lack of oxygen, being overtaken by fear--
if he does inquire from someone in specific rather than pieces of paper about the condition- he most likely talks to qiqi about it, asking some vague questions “for a friend”, knowing she was far less likely to tattle to anyone about it.
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