hello world - love, krislam

[krislammm]

Engagement Shoot Part One

[krislammm]

I really thought I was stupid.

I remember being at a parent-teacher conference in 3rd grade, and my teacher telling my mom in front of me, “She’s not good at reading, which means she will fail at school.” My teacher then asked me to read two paragraphs in front of my mom and to summarize what I just read. I couldn’t. From then on, “reading comprehension” terrified me, and I avoided reading and writing for the rest of my life. Math wasn’t any better, don’t even get me started. 

In my childhood years, growing up as a “disappointment” wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, especially in an Asian household. You were simply never good enough. What I struggled with is that I was never given the opportunity to show how “not good enough” I was. I was simply not enough. 

Growing up, I became accustomed to hearing…

“Oh, she’s the artistic one in the family.” “No, no, she doesn’t read well, and she’s awful at math, but she’s great with the arts.” “Haha, no anak [my child], you couldn’t take that class. It’s too advance for you.”  “This one is my nurse [my sister], this one is the designer.”

I took that narrative and ran with it. I denied myself any opportunity to expand my education. I never picked up books, I hated writing assignments. I refused to believe that I was capable of anything because I was good at nothing. 

I went to college and earned an AA degree in the only thing I was ever good at, graphic design – “the arts” as they would say. I spent the next decade drowning myself in the craft looking to the outside world for validation because, for the first time in my life, I was good at something. My parents had nothing negative to say. Perhaps it was because this world of mine became an unknown territory. They’d brag, “She’s a graphic designer and lives in downtown LA doing big projects.” Suddenly, I’m someone. 

I’m Krislam, a graphic designer. That’s it. 

There was a tiny flame that sparked in my mid-20s where I suddenly began feeling “Krislam the graphic designer” was not my only identity. At the time, the role that I was in was a hybrid of design, human resources, and business. I created PowerPoint presentations for c-level leaders, sat in discussions with the CEO, and participated in HR training about leadership and inclusion. 

What is this odd feeling? Curiosity outside of design? I couldn’t. “That is way too advanced for you. You’re a designer, stick to your lane.” I would often say to myself. 

I slowly picked up books about businesses, watched videos about the importance of business acumen, and somehow found a passion in a different world. An “advanced” world.

I’ve attended many graduation ceremonies in my life. I’ve watched countless friends and family members receive their bachelor’s and master’s degrees and thought to myself, “I wish I was smart enough.” Moreover, I envied my peers, a deep-seated feeling of jealousy when they walked across the stage to be hooded. It was something that stung a part of my soul that I concealed for years.

When I turned 27, I was freelancing full-time and decided that “maybe I should give school a go and finally get my Bachelor’s, but maybe not design… what about…business?” 

 “Business? Reading, writing, and numbers? Pfft, ok.” 

I anticipated that I’d barely get by. 

Instead, I found a WHOLE NEW version of myself.  

I read.  I wrote.  I did business math.  And I was GOOD at it. 

I took every narrative ever thrown at me that melted into my DNA, and I went against it. 

I surprised myself in every single possible way. 

There were days where I’d sit in my car and think…

“Wow, I CAN be taught new and advanced material.”  “I CAN be taught these really hard things and excel in it.”  “I shouldn’t be afraid to read and write, I CAN get better.”

 Can you believe that I was 28 years old when I finally convinced myself that I was enough and capable? That I wasn’t stupid and that my identity was beyond “the graphic designer” beyond “the artistic one.” 

My journey and becoming a new version of myself that I didn’t think would ever exist in THIS lifetime is why I want a Master’s degree. After my Associates, I waited far too long to get my Bachelor’s because I was afraid I’d fail. I was scared that I would only cement the lifetime of discouraging words and give people the validation to remind me that I was incapable of learning. 

I want a Master’s degree, not because of the potential pay raise, or because I’m suddenly an “elevated human” to someone. I want a Master’s degree because I spent my entire life telling being told and telling myself, “I can’t.” 

I can and I will, one day. 

[krislammm]

Yay, Marriage.

We’re getting married in exactly 119 days, pending all that is COVID and pandemic related. I remain hopeful as neighboring counties begin to open, although we may not be able to accommodate all of our guests, but that’s ok. We’d soon rather celebrate with a small batch of people than postpone, again. 

We shall see. 

Otherwise, we have really cute save-the-dates that I spent way too much time on. 

[krislammm]

This morning I took some baby potatoes, flash steamed, cut them up and tossed them onto the frying pan (except I used vegan butter instead of canola oil). Threw in some oregano, garlic powder, and cajun spice. M’am, I’m basically the queen of potatoes. It was delicious. Now I’m enjoying my matcha. 

[krislammm]

Day 66?

This evening as I was washing the dishes and I thought to myself that I should be more diligent about journaling, especially during these times of the pandemic where I am left with an abundance of time. Typically, I manually write in my journal – letters to future-self. However, I’ve been noticing lately that they follow a structure, one that I did not intend to create.

I write what day it is. Share what I’m currently doing. Spew all my anxiety and emotions onto the page. Rinse and repeat until my hand starts to cramp resulting in messy handwriting that I may or may not be able to read in the future.

I found that I allow myself to be more expressive when I am journaling through a digital platform. I suppose you can say the permanent feeling of pen to paper confines my thoughts. Furthermore, I habitually refer to my Tumblr archives for pictures and timelines, so I would really be doing future-self a favor by keeping this site up-to-date. Lord knows I’ve already yelled at past Krislam for a 2-year gap. Thankfully I have some documentation on my phone and notebooks, but still. Jeez.

I’m currently sitting on the couch in the corner where I’m surrounded by windows draped with twinkling lights that I recently purchased from Amazon. $20 and the remote came broken. This is my favorite spot in our apartment. At my feet are the boys, fed and ready to go to sleep. The only thing missing is Jay, who is in the office playing Call of Duty. He’s getting really good at it.

On the windowsill is my peppermint tea, a drink that I have been enjoying recently after our meals. For the past 3.5 – 4 weeks we’ve been practicing clean eating during the weekdays and indulging in “bad” food on the weekends. Personally, I’d like to say that I am “shedding for the wedding” but I am more taken aback by my lack of self-control in the past couple of months.  

I’ve removed most dairy from my diet and I hate to admit that I barely notice that it’s gone. Since the pandemic, our cooking skills have been put to use resulting in frequent grocery trips. I’ve been very adamant about not welcoming any dairy or junk food in our cart – some trips are more successful than others. I’ve also been substituting rice for more veggies – cucumbers have been my go-to. I have seen an improvement in my mood, less redness and acne on my face and most importantly, I’ve been able to control my bloating.

I am also down ~10lbs! I was stuck at 145-147lbs since October and finally got down to 136lbs. I really want to come out of this stay-at-home feeling stronger and healthier. With ample amount of time, there’s really no excuse. Except, well, maybe chronic anxiety about the unknown of our future that manifests in crawling into a ball and endlessly eating cheese and wheat. But I mean, balance, right? I’m happy and proud of my progress. I’m upset that I injured myself that has left me at a holding pattern with working out, but I’ll be fine soon.  

The days have been feeling a little longer because the sun doesn’t set until at least 7:45-ish, however, the weeks just keep rolling past by us and it often feels a little unsettling. I am thankful that I have Jay who is far better and resilient during moments like these in addition to the massive rock he has to carry with his family. Somehow, the powers that be, the universe, God, whoever, whatever blessed me with this man. Sometimes I find myself going a little stir crazy because I am not used to spending this much time with him, but I know the second we resume to our scheduled, structured life that I am going to miss ALL of this.  

Every morning at around 8:30 AM his alarm goes off. I am usually half-awake at this point because I’m roused by my internal clock that is forever set to 6 AM. We get out of bed, pee, and brush our teeth. Fix the bed, some days I do it, some days he does it, most days we do it together.

At some point one of us gets the boys ready for their morning walk. I have to note here that Geoffrey does NOT and I repeat, does NOT like walking without his mom. Ugh, a gem. We walk them together through our normal route. Upon returning I’m getting their breakfast ready – their cookies and some version of wet food because we have a spoiled and stubborn Boston Terrier who cannot be bothered to eat like an actual dog.  

Jay typically starts heating up the water for our tea and coffee. Lately, I’ve been indulging in matcha green tea, practically abandoning coffee. Who would have thought?  I stand in front of the fridge listening to my cravings deciding what to eat for breakfast. 9 out of 10 times I settle on an egg white sandwich. While I fail at flipping the egg whites onto its other side, Jay is whipping up our tea with oat milk using his new favorite tool, the milk frother. Minutes before the food hits the plate, Jay calls out “Matcha green tea for Krislam”. My personal barista that I adore with all my heart. On the plate, bread that is slightly burned, unevenly salted eggs white, and an excessive amounts of garlic sauce – perfection.

We journey through our day going in and out of the office depending who has a call or needs a different scenery. Generally, during these blocks of hours we are concealed between our headphones hardly speaking to one another. We ascend from our mind caves during snack time, usually some version of vegetables and hummus. On occasion I might shove 5 handfuls of hot cheetos into my mouth and validate it by drinking my pressed juice. Again, balance, right?

After a day of work and we’re both good at drawing a line, we work out. We start together with radio taiso and go off into our own thing. Recently, I’ve been humoring myself with pretend DDR, which to no surprise I still find myself out of breath and drenched in sweat. Just like the golden days of my youth, except there’s no mat to rip. After, I do my 10-minute workout with my girl Chloe Ting on YouTube. Her workout is what I was doing when I injured myself (still am). Jay has an ALO subscription and he’s been at that pretty religiously. Then we go straight into dinner where one of us cooks and the other cleans. We’ve been watching Community during our meals, I connect with Abed on a spiritual level, but we all know that I am Annie. Late night walks with the boys to walk off our dinner, make their dinner, and then it’s off to bed for all 4 of us.  

At the beginning of it all we didn’t really know what to do with ourselves since we only had ever stuck to a routine that was short and sweet in the morning and chill in the evening. Now we sort of have a groove and I love it very much. As much as I want things to go back to “normal” I know that I am going to miss ALL of this. I’ll cherish these days and enjoy the experience that I get to have with Jay that are often rare with couples unless they both work from home.

Well 1,265 words later and I managed to follow the similar structure of my manual journal entry. Although, I think this is worse cause I went all over the place. Bah, I’ll get better at this. How does one write without reciting their entire day and spewing their emotions uncontrollably in a pattern? One of my wins here is that I actually wrote more than just a page. Sorry future-Krislam, I don’t know if you’ll ever actually read this or if you’ll ever get this far. Soon enough I’ll write something that isn’t a laundry list of feelings and highlights of my day. Or perhaps that’s what I’ll continue to write until I forget that this Tumblr exists again. We’ll see.

Time to shower. Even though I didn’t go anywhere. Oh, except on the 2-mile walk Jay and I went on earlier. That was fun. Next time I’ll write about Phil. Ask me about Phil.

Selfie of me and the pups so that I actually look at this post in the future.

[krislammm]

Ten Years

10:05 | For quite some time in my life, I have always had an “end-all-be-all” mindset. I knew what I wanted and explored one path to achieve it. Not once could I have ever imagined that I would astray from my neatly organized timeline for my life and allow myself to become vulnerable with the waves of uncertainty. I’m still not good at it. I didn't think I was going to like it. Yet, here I am, consumed with curiosity and engaged with a beginner’s mindset. I’mI’m almost 30, am I allowed to be a novice? Yes, I think so. Glassy-eyed accompanied with a dash of cynicism compounded over time from years of experience of growth and defeat. I think they make a great duo. I have found joy here. I have much to reflect on this past decade that I'm at a loss for words. How does one reflect over 10 years that encompasses what feels like 1 million lifetimes? How can one dissect the complexity of various emotions spanning from feeling hungry, proud, entitled, and embarrassed all at the same time? Who knows. What I know to be true is that each year was a way of finding a new version of myself. Each day a slightly different version of me from hours past. There were years where I admired my young self. Other years where I despised who I had become. Finally, falling in love and being gentle with a version of me who encompasses all that I've become. Time and time again, I return to young me. Young Krislam, at the base of a foggy mountain, unable to see the level of steep hills and mixed terrain of challenges. Eager, stubborn, and thirsty for growth. She had no idea what she was doing, but she has, as a result, rarely failed me.  

[krislammm]

But mostly, I am proud.

12:23 | In 13 days, I will complete my Business Management program and finally earn my Bachelors Degree. Earning my degree has been on my wishlist ever since I graduated with my A.A. in 2011. Countless excuses and uninspiring narratives in my head kept me from pursuing my degree to the point where I had made peace with the idea that “I’m not smart enough to get a Bachelors.” Let alone one in Business...let alone the idea of EVEN THINKING of pursuing a Masters. I gave these negative thoughts a platform for 7 years. 

So how do I feel right now?

Tired. Anxious. Excited. Proud.

Tired because I decided to work full-time while finishing up school full-time.  Tired because I took my parents to LAX this AM for an urgent flight because my grandfather passed away 4-days ago.  Tired because I haven’t stopped running since 2011.  Tired because balancing my mental health has become second nature, but also a daily challenge. 

Anxious because I have no idea what’s really coming to me in 2020. Anxious because I’m going to be a wife and a mom sooner than I actually think. Anxious because December is typically when my depression hits the hardest.

Excited because of all the growth and opportunities in 2020. Excited because I am going to be a wife and mom sooner than I actually think. Excited because of the newfound time I will have after graduating that I can spend with my family and friends in December. 

Proud because in the past 18-months, I was a full-time student and part-time worker, and freelancer. There were moments at the beginning where I went weeks without work and pinched every penny I had. I maintained a GPA above 3.7 and made (presidents) honor roll, quarter-over-quarter. I remained grounded and brought the best version of myself to occasions that required me to show up. I paid off $10,000 worth of bad credit card debt and financially positioned myself to welcome new student loans and pay off my car in 2020. 

Proud because just in the past 90-days, with the support of my loved ones, I have proved myself wrong over and over and over again. 

Proud because in 13 days, I finally get to tell those negative thoughts in my head of “not being good enough”...that I did it anyway.

I am tired, anxious, and excited. But mostly, I am proud.  13 more days to go!

[krislammm]

LA. Are you worth it?

10:12 | This past weekend we applied and put down a deposit on a new apartment on the West side of LA.

I was stumped.

On one hand, we’re so excited that we’re finally moving closer to work (especially to his work) so that we can get some time back that would have otherwise been spent listening to the 100th podcast on the 10 freeway.

On the other hand, the price of rent is so incredibly high that I’m constantly combatting the reasons why it’s worth it. But is it?

[krislammm]

Unhealthy Coffee Addiction and Infatuation

19:05 | Catching up on homework after work is something that I could get used to. It’s very quiet and peaceful. All the while the craziness of the 10 freeway settles. Also, I can sense that my coffee consumption may likely increase as the quarter progresses.

On a less school-related note. A specific thought in my mind will not go away. I am fixated and infatuated.

[krislammm]

Oh Hi!

10:12 | Hello world, it’s Friday, October 11, 2019.  I decided that I’m going to take a social media break (Facebook and IG) to focus on this quarter because school, work, and all things that are life will take over and possibly consume me. 

However, I do feel that I need an outlet where I can go on and vent so I decided to revive my Tumblr temporarily. 

Why this Tumblr? I’ve been documenting on this platform for almost a decade (peep the number of posts I have below) and only recently stopped about a year ago. And oddly enough, I do refer back to my archives here quite often, so it only makes sense. 

This isn’t nearly as addicting or accessible as IG or FB...AND I’ve also wanted to journal more because of this season of change is quite gnarly. There are also fewer people on this platform so I can get really personal if need be. I also think future Krislam will be glad that I revived this. 

So anyway, here we go Q4 2019. 

[krislammm]

I don’t usually post directly on Tumblr, but I cut my hair to an even length and dyed it back to brown annnnnd I’m wearing color!! 

I thought I was going to hate it. But... I kinda love it?

[krislammm]

Colorado 2

[krislammm]

Colorado 1

[krislammm]

All done! BRB 💛 summary + update from #secretproject coming soon! Digital detox and vacation starts now! #tiredeyes

[krislammm]

All mic'd up! #secretproject (at Denver, Colorado)

[krislammm]

Lots of moving bodies on set! #secretproject (at Denver, Colorado)

[krislammm]

@jamiefrasier doing her magic and fixing my face cause I looked tore up this morning and feeling under the weather. Thank you for your beautiful work the last 3 days 💛💛💛 #secretproject