Kristine. 20-something. Berkeley grad cum Digital Marketing Director, located in LA and sometimes SF. Interested in food, yoga, and bars that play only 90s hip-hop.
All original content copyright (2011-2016) Kristine deGuzman. All rights reserved.
I’ve been living in a hotel in San Diego for the past week, and will continue to live in it through the rest of this week.
The week before, I was in San Francisco. Next week, I’ll be in LA. The week after that, San Francisco. Then Vegas. Then Portland. Then back to LA. Then NYC. And then it will be early June.
And I’m ok. I’ve acclimated to this life lived out of a suitcase, and I’ve learned how to love it, how to be grateful for it, how to feel centered in the midst of constant movement and travel.
I’m writing again, reading again, working out and going to yoga regularly again, and as a result, I feel like I’ve been able to rediscover my sense of self. I’m breathing more deeply, walking more confidently, venturing out alone without experiencing a crippling fear of the unexpected - a feeling that punctuated my first few months living in LA when I didn’t know the city and didn’t know myself inside of it.
I think too often we forget about our malleability, of the way we evolve over time. More recently I’ve been reminded of how I hated my first year living in San Francisco. I could barely afford to live in the city, I worked at a job that I didn’t believe in, and my relationship was in a precarious position. It’s funny to think of how much I pined for LA then, how I thought switching geographies would cure all my self-doubt and general dissatisfaction.
Then I got a new job and (perhaps subconsciously) dedicated the first year of my long-distance relationship to myself. I started going to yoga, changed my entire wardrobe, and made a conscious effort to spend dedicated time alone and with friends. 2012, despite being a really shitty, challenging, lonely year, was also a transformative one. I made a lot of mistakes and said and did things I, in retrospect, shouldn’t have said nor done, but I still sometimes think wistfully to it, to what that year represented in the timeline of my life.
I came out of 2012 with a staggering overconfidence. I thought that I had learned everything there was to learn about myself and became complacent. LA forced me to confront the reality that I’d outgrown that identity, that it was time to cultivate a new one. I was clinging to a life that no longer existed, and holding on to a version of myself that didn’t fit into this new life.
I think perhaps our lives are marked with these periods of transition and transformation, where we shed our past selves like an old skin and come out refreshed on the other side.
I can feel it now like I felt it before. And it feels ok.
Ever since moving to LA, I’ve felt a little awkward whenever people ask me how I’m doing. Do I tell them the truth? Where do I start? Because the truth is, I was completely unprepared - emotionally, mentally - for my move to LA. I underestimated how comfortable I was in San Francisco, and I foolishly thought that closing the distance in my relationship would trigger an immediate and lasting happiness that would translate into all parts of my life.
Needless to say, I was wrong.
It’s no secret that the past year and a half have been difficult for me. Moving to LA had the unintended effect of plunging me into a deep and abiding depression that’s been difficult to crawl out of. At some point after moving, I lost the sense of autonomy and independence that I’d cultivated during my time in San Francisco, and I fell back into old, immature habits of attaching my happiness to Chris - whether he was spending enough time with me, lavishing me with attention, being available whenever I needed him. Even though I knew I was being unreasonable, I was insatiable - I demanded more from him, needed more from him, I soaked up his attention like a sponge and still found myself wanting. It took a long time for me to realize that what I should have been doing is demanding more from myself.
How cliché is it to admit that I had to relearn how to love myself before I could accept that Chris’ love was enough? I suppose it’s easy to forget when depression sits in your brain like a dense fog, clouding all rational judgement. I’ve had to teach myself how to start from scratch and cultivate a new identity, an improved LA iteration of myself that built upon who I was in San Francisco.
Recently I’ve felt like I’ve turned a corner and have discovered how to be happy in this new life, in this new city. I’ve taken more time to discover the nooks and crannies of LA, and have learned how to appreciate the ample space and sunshine that only LA affords. I’ve made strides in reconnecting with long lost friends and acquaintances, and I’ve made a concerted effort to incorporate outside social interaction into my life on a daily basis. I’ve started personal training to kickstart a gym habit in LA - something I’ve been sorely lacking since moving. Most importantly, I’ve learned how to find happiness from within, which is so much more satisfying than depending on others to hand happiness to you.
I’m optimistic about the next few months and what they have in store. And I look forward to the day, hopefully in the not-so-distant future, when someone asks me how I’m doing and I can say with complete confidence that I’m doing great. I’m doing just fine.
Anyone who’s followed my blogs for any significant period of time knows that I’ve been doing this survey every year for over a decade (with the exception of 2010). It’s a tradition that traces its roots back to Xanga and Myspace, back when they were the blogging/social media sites de jour.
The questions are juvenile and not conducive to truly personal revelations, but I don’t know, I have an affection for it - this survey is kind of like a mini time capsule that I leave myself every year. My year condensed in 40 questions.
Every year I also find myself feeling the need to justify why I continue to do this survey, so this year, I say fuck it. I’mma do what I want. This year I resolve to stop feeling the need to justify anything I do or why I want to do it.
1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
I played real ass shuffleboard in NYC. I successfully landed in eka pada galavasana. I ate monkfish liver and sweetbreads. I got comfortable parallel parking and became a true LA resident in the process. I achieved Southwest A-List from my travels to and from San Francisco - so long, “B” boarding group!
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2015 goals:
Work out 3-4x/week: Total fail, as far as consistency goes. But still, the fact that I work out on any regular basis is impressive to me, considering the years after college in which I literally did nothing except watch TV and feel sorry for the pounds accumulating around my midsection (and thighs, and arms, and face).
Dress like a grown-up: 100% success. High-fucking-five to me.
Save more money/stop spending so much money on food: Lol. As usual, I failed at this, as I do every year. I mean, I had dinner at The French Laundry again this year, if that’s any indication of my lack of fiscal responsibility. That’s two more times than I ever thought I would go in my life.
Read more, write more: I definitely wrote more, but alas, didn’t read more.
Learn how to code: I got halfway through Codeacademy’s Javascript section and realized that I don’t really want to be a programmer, I’d really rather do something more creative, like get back into graphic design or some other artistic pursuit. Basically what I’m saying is I got toe-deep into Javascript and nope’d the fuck out of this resolution.
Make friends/find new hobbies in LA: I halfway achieved this, I would say. I definitely made more of an effort this year to reach out to old friends and acquaintances in LA and foster those relationships. I didn’t meet any new people, but I’m looking forward to the opportunity to build deeper relationships with the people I do know in LA, and I think that’s a good start. I also got a little closer to dabbling in new hobbies, but not as deep as I would have liked.
My 2016 goals:
Stop using Jojo as a mental excuse for not working out, going out, being productive, etc. This year I found myself justifying not going to the gym or not going to my coworking space because I wanted to hang out with Jojo. It was a flimsy excuse to rationalize deeper problems - my laziness, my depression, my light agoraphobia that I’ve started to develop in the past year. Next year I’d like to focus on refining my daily routine and allocating appropriate time to work, to Jojo, and most importantly, to myself.
Follow through. Beyond just following through with my hobbies and promises to myself to work out more, write more, read more, etc., I’d also like to be better at following through with other things. Like when I tell someone let’s hang out, I want to follow through on all aspects of this process - reaching out, making plans, responding to texts in a timely manner, being punctual. This year I noticed that I would sometimes reach out to people and check that box on my list, so to speak, but then would be terrible at actually responding to texts within a timely window. While I’m an extremely reliable person in professional settings, next year, I’d like to translate this sense of reliability into my personal life as well.
Gain expertise in a new hobby. I don’t know how this will take shape just yet. In previous years I’ve focused on improving myself in areas I know I excel in, like writing and yoga, but I languished, I think partially because I’m already pretty comfortable in those areas. Next year I’d like to tackle something new, something foreign, something to really push myself outside of my comfort zone. I have a lot of peripheral hobbies - things I’ve dabbled in in the past but haven’t touched in years, like web design, graphic design, photography, collage art and hip hop dancing - I’d like to revisit these and reattain a sense of competency in at least one of them next year.
Develop weekly grocery habit. I don’t have this, and honestly, it’s what contributes to most of my eating out. I grocery shop so rarely, I don’t know how to do it. It’s crippling. I’m paralyzed by the idea of cooking at home, but if I want to save money and develop healthy eating habits, I know I need to do this.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully.
5. What countries did you visit?
None.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
A more purposeful approach to my daily life in LA.
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Honestly, I can’t really think of one. 2015 was a blur of airplanes and hotel rooms, there wasn’t really one moment this year that I felt truly rooted. My birthday was pretty awesome though, thanks to Chris.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
On a somewhat superficial level, I’m really proud of the work my team did at VMworld this past year. It was our first time running on-site social media support for the whole event (40k+ attendees), and it was really gratifying to see how much we were able to accomplish with such a lean team - the event hashtag trended on Twitter, one of our snaps made it to the San Francisco Snapchat story, and in terms of social media SOV, it was the most successful VMworld yet.
On a personal level, I think getting over the bulk of my depression was a pretty big achievement.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I think I could have been kinder to Chris. Kinder in general, really.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
After the shitfest of 2014, I surprisingly didn’t get very sick in 2015.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Remember when I said my “Dress like a grownup” resolution was a success? I’m pretty happy with all of the new clothes and shoes I bought this year.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Brandon Stanton from HONY deserves some kind of recognition for his work covering the Syrian refugee crisis this year.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Everything in the news related to ISIS. Everyone voting for Donald Trump or Ben Carson or any of the Republican candidates, really.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, Jojo and my brothers. I miss the days when coming home meant free meals. At some point that changed to me having to buy dinner for my brothers, my very hungry, adolescent brothers.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I’m pretty excited about this new camera Chris just got me for Christmas.
16. What song will always remind you of 2016?
Sons et al. - Misshaped Mouth, MADE IN HEIGHTS - Murakami, Vindata - All I Really Need (feat. Kenzie May), Jamie xx - Loud Places (ft Romy)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter. I can feel it, and it doesn’t feel great.
iii. richer or poorer?
Slightly richer, and slightly more irresponsible.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
This is what I wrote last year, but it still rings true - Reading, writing, working out, meeting new people, being happy. I also wish I was slightly more productive, but hey, post-depression baby steps.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Making excuses.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Hanging out with family and puppies in my parents’ beautiful and spacious new house. It was delightful.
22. Did you fall in love in 2015?
Reevaluated it, what it means to be in love after 8.5 years. There are always new things to discover when it comes to a long-term love. You have to reinvent it, find new ways to love.
23. How many one night stands?
Nope.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Downton Abbey ended strong this year - while I’m sorry to see it go, I’m glad it ended so satisfyingly. I also enjoyed Casual and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend this year.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
It takes too much energy to hate someone, and I need all the energy I can muster to focus on myself.
26. What was the best book you read?
I’ve been trying to get through We Need to Talk About Kevin for the past 3 years, always picking it up and putting it down. Eventually, I’ll finish this fucking book.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Sons et al. (even though they maybe never tour?) and MADE IN HEIGHTS
28. What did you want and get?
Most things, too trivial to name.
29. What did you want and not get?
Nothing really.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Martian, Mad Max: Fury Road, What We Do in the Shadows, Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief. I’m also going to say Birdman and Whiplash, but only because I can’t remember if I saw them in 2014 or the beginning of 2015.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday was the fucking best. On my actual birthday, Chris, Katie and I went to Buzzfeed’s campus and watched a free screening of Empire Records, one of my favorite movies growing up, complete with a Q&A with the actors. The next day we went to dinner at Redbird, where Allyson and Ramsey (my old SF roommates) unexpectedly arrived, a surprise orchestrated by Chris. I was so overcome with surprise, I ended up tearing up a bit, which has literally never happened to me before. It was a great birthday.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Really achieving my personal goals. I feel like I only got halfway there.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
I was pretty successful this year in up-leveling the shit out of my personal style. I moved beyond tattered lace-up boots and tops with holes in them and effectively seeded my closet with a larger selection of clothes that I can actually wear to client meetings. I’m getting closer to having my entire wardrobe look like this.
34. What kept you sane?
Ironically, trips to San Francisco, though I’d really like to travel less next year. Meditation. Writing. Taking baby steps towards larger goals. A sense of purpose.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you want the most?
Ian Somerhalder. Always and forever, amen.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
ISIS. The growing ball of flames that is the Republican Party.
37. Who did you miss?
No one, really. I saw my friends in SF more than my friends in LA, practically.
38. Who are cool new people you met?
I wrote this two years ago, but it still holds true: I’m not confident I even meet new people these days. How do you meet people in your late 20s?
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015?
There is no such thing as “more time.”
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I'm watching, I'm feelin'. Make the best of me.
Push that Bad down.
Wring that wash out.
Dreading the day that we begin to read into self-doubt.
Steal that gut feel,
and every cold thrill,
Let the salt sink in when everything is downhill.
Snap back to the youth in you,
Feel the done days and you're pulling through to the getting good, oh the getting good.
Close gaps in the winter stoop, when everybody lights up another hoop, that's the getting good. Oh the getting good.
The cold always has this effect on me. This melancholy that sinks, plunges, dissipates. It’s a productive feeling, conducive for self-reflection - something I so rarely have occasion for these days.
With every year that passes, I realize how difficult it is to carve out dedicated time for myself on a consistent basis. I have to remind myself that the idea of “more time” is a fiction we tell ourselves to justify the speed at which we live.
But the reality is - when I tell myself that I just need to get through this event or this work trip or this campaign or this activity, “more time” will not be waiting for me on the other side. It’s an illusion, a desert oasis hallucination, a lie I choose to believe to propel myself from one moment to the next.
This year has been a haze of airports and hotel rooms. When you’re constantly packing, unpacking and wheeling around a suitcase, it’s easy to lose your sense of “home.” For me, nothing really feels like home anymore; home is what I can pack into my suitcase and fit into the overhead bin.
I feel like I only exist in transit, in the distance between cities. I’m never settled, instead always biding my time until I have to be en route again. And I’ve made a lot of excuses for myself because of this. After a brief spell in San Francisco, I’ll come back to LA and convince myself that it’s ok if I don’t leave my apartment for a week, it’s ok if I hole up in my room with my puppy and interact with no other humans, I deserve to relax a bit. But then the week is up and I’m back on a flight to San Francisco, rinse and repeat.
It’s a dangerous cycle, vacillating between such extremes. When I’m in LA I transform into a sloth of a person - I crawl out of bed with little to no urgency, don’t wear makeup, don’t leave my apartment, don’t bother to wear real pants. But when I’m in San Francisco I’m social, I’m chatty, I’m charming, I’m the superhero version of myself. It’s exhausting. Most of the time I just feel like an emotionally vacant husk of a person, running on auto-pilot from point A to point B. It makes me uncomfortable to think that my identity and ego are somehow tied to what city I happen to be in.
I tell myself that when I have “more time,” that elusive, slinky creature, “time,” I’ll make more of an effort to pursue my hobbies. I’ll go to yoga. I’ll immerse myself in art and culture. I’ll dance. I’ll write. When I have more time, I’ll live more purposefully, I’ll leave more than just a pile of dead skin cells behind. But I never have “more time,” I only have the present time, a fleeting, finite resource.
Consider this a conscious effort to accept the time I have, to fill it with what brings my life meaning, to remind myself that my identity extends beyond the boundaries of my suitcase.
I’m not dead. Just working on things, big big (ok, moderately sized) things. In the midst of pushing forward on some personal projects that I’m hoping will see the light of day before year’s end (and that can be shared here with you, all 2 or 3 of my remaining followers!).
In the meantime, here’s a somewhat recent picture of me and my puppy sitting in LA traffic.
“Last night I made out with Chris, David’s roommate. He’s cute. He dances. We danced a lot. We made out a lot. I’m not all too interested in actually dating him, he was just cute.”
Year 2
“I just feel like I’ve met a lot of guys, liked a lot of guys, interacted with a lot of guys, and have had ‘things’ with a lot of guys, and Chris has been the best of them all. He’s so easy to be with, so natural and unforced. We don’t have to try hard to get along, we just work well together.”
Year 3
“I feel like though this whole situation with Chris has been really trying and difficult, I really do think it has been and will be for the best. I have my own life and my own friends and my own interests and talents. I can now wake up in the morning and not revolve my daily activities around Chris’ schedule.”
Year 4
“My boyfriend is such a fucking goddam idiot sometimes.”
Year 5
“Sometimes it’s hard to fathom how it’s possible to love someone so wholly and completely. Even after being together for almost 5 years, I feel like Chris and I are still discovering each other, still sharing new things with each other. It’s still exciting to see him and be around him, and I still look forward to spending new moments with him. How are we so good together?”
Year 6
“I feel like a lot of this can be traced back to Chris. Being loved is so empowering - like hey, I’ve been able to turn this typically difficult thing (dating, long-term/long-distance relationship) into a big success, I’m confident I can be successful in everything now.”
Year 7
“By this point, I fucking know Chris. And I know that he’s been really fucking weird recently. And you know, fucking FUCK that. I’m either a priority or I’m not. Whatever, fuck Chris.”
Year 8
“While we’ve had our issues, I still enjoy hanging out with Chris, even now, almost 8 years later. He still makes me laugh and catches me off guard. What we have is better.”
Happy 8-year anniversary, CJY. Here’s to another 8.
I almost never have time to write these days. Or read. Or create. The months pass and I have to remind myself that time will never magically manifest, it only evaporates, slips right past my fingers before I can even register that it’s there.
I feel like I’ve been tricking myself into believing that more time lies right around the corner. I just need to get through this big pitch, or this big event, or this big trip, and then there will be time, waiting patiently for me on the other side. This, of course, is a lie we all tell ourselves. Time never waits, we only wait for more time.
On the rare occasion that I have an opportunity to pause and reflect, I realize that oh fuck, years have been passing and I haven’t finished any of the projects I picked up and then put away, saving for a rainy day. And now, here I am, wasting away in a creative drought.
What remains of my creative bent is a graveyard of discarded hobbies - books I bought and never finished, magazines I subscribed to but never flipped through, a Bamboo tablet I’ve never used, and most disappointing of all, empty, barren journals. It’s only April and I can already feel the end of this year descending upon me, a weight of disappointment around all the New Year’s Resolutions I failed to keep. I want to take this rare moment of clarity to rededicate myself to investing time in the things that bring me personal satisfaction, the things that define me, not as a working professional because fuck that, but as a person.
I want to:
get back into journaling on a consistent cadence
work out 3-4x/week (yoga and cardio and maybe climbing and maybe hip-hop dancing)
While I still spend most of my time living out of a suitcase, hopping from one city to the next, I feel like I've settled better into the routine of it all. It now takes me 30 minutes to pack (sometimes less), and I've become a pro and getting through airport security in less than 5 minutes. I've perfected the science of short-distance traveling.
It still sometimes wears on me to feel like I only exist in the distance between cities, but I'm learning how to adapt to this new life and the new opportunities it provides. I've started working at Cross Campus, a coworking space in Santa Monica populated with LA creatives and tech professionals, and it's been a welcome change of pace to spend my work days surrounded by humans again (contrast this to just myself, at home, with no pants or makeup, circled and barked at by an exuberant, adorable puppy who insists on treating my fingers like moving chew toys).
While I still have yet to meet very many new people or friends in LA, it just feels good to be outside and to be seen, to receive confirmation that I exist through the validation of wandering eyes. I'm not just a ghost floating aimlessly through this wide, expansive city.
On the work front, there are some really exciting things on the horizon. Even though I've been working really late hours over the last couple of weeks, tonight included, I know I'm working towards something tangible, something really milestone-setting, and that this "something" is something I can be truly proud of. So I've been powering through it, grateful for the support of my team (of 6 people!) that I've built over the past year. Sorry to be so vague, but with nothing set in stone yet, I'm hesitant to jinx everything by being so bold as to write about it.
I have to admit that this life still surprises me; I never imagined that this is what my mid-20s would look like. When I think about my present life, I can't help but parallel it to the fictitious "future" invented by my 16-year old self - a life without an address, filled with volumes of writing for various publications.
It's sometimes hard not to feel like I'm being disloyal to my previous self, that I've somehow betrayed the ideals that at one time defined me. But I'd like to think that if my 16-year old self could have foreseen the true future, could have seen the person I would one day become, she would have approved, and pat me on the back for being a boss ass bitch.
Sorry for the extended absence, Tumblr. To be totally honest I've been fucking depressed, and I haven't been able to talk about it, because talking about it would have given it weight, would have given it shape and made it more real.
I'm doing better now. I've crawled out of my hole far enough to acknowledge that yes, I have been living in a hole for the last few months. And yes, while I had a damn good life in San Francisco, I can't replicate that life exactly in LA, and that's still ok. It's ok that things aren't the same, because that's just what life is - it's transition and growth and continually evolving into the better versions of ourselves.
I realize now that I had become too comfortable in San Francisco. I'd settled into this wonderful life with my wonderful friends and my wonderful routines and everything was wonderful, and then I uprooted everything to move to LA.
Now living in LA, it's like I've forgotten who I am; I've misplaced my identity. Returning to SF every other month for work then always has the effect of reminding me - like, oh right, I used to be confident, I used to have interests, I used to be able to leave my apartment before 2pm without feeling a sense of dread. I used to live, and not just have life happen to me or around me.
Today, I'm working on carving out a new life for myself in LA, on digging new roots into the ground. With the entirety of 2015 before me, I figured this was the right time to fill out my annual survey - get ready for the most pity-party version yet!
Past years for reference:
2013
2012
2011
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
I got:
An apartment in LA
A new car
A gnarly case of food poisoning
I also:
Went to the ER/Urgent Care
Ate at the French Laundry
Attempted other cool yoga poses for the first time
Got a parking ticket (#becauseLA)
Got into a minor accident
Then in the Philippines, I:
Hung out with a yellow boa constrictor
Went on a terrifying, 1,000+ ft. high zipline
Jumped into this waterfall
I feel like I'm missing some things, but it's only because the past 6 months exist in a kind of black hole in my memory.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2014 goals:
Go to yoga at least 3x/week: Uh, I did sometimes. Fell off the wagon after I moved to LA, but working slowly to increase my frequency.
Invest future wedding funds into mutual funds: Lol. I pretty much purged my dedicated wedding savings account, because I realized how ridiculous it is to have a dedicated wedding savings account.
Save more money/stop spending so much money on food: I ate at 9 Michelin starred restaurants this year. Epic fail.
Read more, write more: Fail.
Create a new home/website for my blog: Also a fail. The depression is real.
Be healthy. Be happy. Be not an asshole. Hmm.
My 2015 goals:
Work out 3-4x/week: Yoga, obviously, but I'd also like to take at least one cardio class/week, and eventually take up rock climbing as well.
Dress like a grown-up: I can't keep wearing clothing with holes in them.
Save more money/stop spending so much money on food: I REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF.
Read more, write more: ^ ditto
Learn how to code: I'm almost done with the HTML/CSS section on Codecademy. Eventually, I'd like to brush up my skills to the point where I can complete my resolution from last year - a new fucking website.
Make friends/find new hobbies in LA: I just need to start making more of an effort in this area all around. I need friends. People in LA - please be my friend.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Kristy did! Welcome June Marion.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
There was a lot of death around me this year. My cousin, Jeff, died suddenly of a massive stroke. My client who I'd been working with for the past year also died suddenly after she was hit by a car. My best friend's mom died. There are other tangential deaths that I'm forgetting - this has been a jarring year, to say the least.
5. What countries did you visit?
Philippines for fun, Spain for work (and let's be real, a little fun too)
6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
A more complete sense of happiness
7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 28 - the day I moved out of San Francisco
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting promoted to Digital Marketing Director. So fancy.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I kind of failed at life all around this year, to be honest. I have little to no memory of this year - nothing felt very remarkable, because feeling depressed took priority on my spectrum of emotions. It colored every experience with shades of gray.
I've noticed that even smiling in pictures has been difficult - it's like my facial muscles have forgotten the expression. I forgot how to be happy.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick pretty frequently this year - I definitely had the flu and came down with a pretty terrible case of food poisoning.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Jojo!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Chris deserves a "boyfriend of the year" medal for the amount of shit he's endured from me.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine. Obviously.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, moving costs, and rent. Goddamn, rent.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Dinner at the French Laundry! I still fantasize about this meal.
16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Banks - Change, Bleachers - Rollercoaster, Silver Swans - Secrets, Panama - How We Feel, Sylvan Esso - Coffee
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter?
Probably a little fatter. Skinny fatter.
iii. richer or poorer?
A little of both? Richer on paper, but not in practice.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading, writing, working out, meeting new people, being happy.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Feeling sorry for myself.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Watching classic Christmas movies from my childhood with Chris, Katie and a house full of dogs.
22. Did you fall in love in 2014?
Stayed in it.
23. How many one night stands?
My long-distance relationship turned into a same-city relationship this year. I don't need one night stands.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
The new season of New Girl has actually been great! I also continued to love Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey, no surprises there. At some point I'll watch True Detective...at some point.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah.
26. What was the best book you read?
Books? I'd forgotten what those are.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Chet Faker, Banks, and I really enjoyed The Colourist for a minute there.
28. What did you want and get?
A puppy. He's the fucking cutest.
29. What did you want and not get?
Nothing really. Just goes to show you can get everything you want and still be a miserable, dead person inside.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The LEGO Movie, The Imitation Game, Gone Girl, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Guardians of the Galaxy
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Got Korean BBQ. I think alcohol was also involved at some point, but it was a pretty low key event.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Honestly? Friends in LA.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Pretty much the same as its always been - lots of black, lots of leather, lots of studs, lots of holes, lots of boots. I really need to start dressing like a grown-up, and less like a goth punk princess from the 90s.
34. What kept you sane?
Nothing, really. I think I might have lacked sanity this year, though I wouldn't say I was insane.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you want the most?
Still pretty dedicated to Ian Somerhalder. Always and forever, amen.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
ISIS had a pretty fucked up year. Also, gun control.
37. Who did you miss?
Like, all of my friends in SF. My life in SF, really.
38. Who are cool new people you met?
I wrote this last year, and it still holds pretty true: I’m not confident I even meet new people these days.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014?
You have to create your own happiness.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I've had dreams of breaking all, breaking all my bones
Before I break it off, I break it off alone
Melt my happiness, some kind of fucked up mess
Looking out for you is a kinder way to gain, it leaves me
Running circles into my brain
Help, my loneliness will take no part in this
Oh, Oh, Overdose
//Chet Faker (ft. Kilo Kish) - Melt
Over the weekend I returned to yoga after a month-long hiatus. I was surprised by how the poses settled so well in my bones after such an uncomfortably long break, but I guess that's what I love about yoga and what keeps me coming back - yoga makes me feel at home in my body, even (and maybe especially) when my physical home is in flux.
There hasn't been time for much recently, between traveling and moving and working. I wish I had more to say than that, but there is nothing else, there is nothing but packing and unpacking, arriving and leaving, suitcases and boxes and powerpoints and spreadsheets.
Fortunately, the end of this week heralds the end of at least one major project that's sat heavily on my shoulders for the last few months. All I look forward to is the chance to exhale.
I'm exhausted. This has been/is my life currently:
June 28: Pick up life and move it to SoCal
July 3 - July 22: Family trip (not a vacation) to the Philippines
August 16 - August 30: San Francisco for a client conference
September 6: Move into new apartment in LA
September 17 - September 26: San Diego for a Training Academy, in which I am one of the trainers
October 12 - October 18: Barcelona for a client conference
November 10 - November 14: San Diego again, Training Academy round 2
December ???: Taiwan with Chris
January ???: Back to San Francisco
I take solace where I can:
The energy of this song (because who has energy anymore?)
Peaceful dinners alone
The scent of Chris' t-shirts when I borrow them for bed
Air conditioning in my apartment
Working at my new teal desk in my new white chair with my sister's puppy napping in my lap
Finally (FINALLY) learning how to parallel park - no mailbox casualties to speak of (it's a long story...actually it's not, I once ran over a mailbox while parking)
I've had barely any moments of peace without some other urgent matter demanding my immediate attention. I feel worn, which is rare for me. I have to remind myself to take things one step at a time, one task at a time, one day at a time.
But what I really want to do is Rip Van Winkle this bitch and sleep for the next 20 years.
What it feels like to end a long-distance relationship.
You guys. You guys you guys you guys. Ending a long-distance relationship is a level of bliss I have never known before.
I apologize for my extended absence. I moved to SoCal and then hopped on a flight to the Philippines and was on vacation for 2.5 weeks and have been mostly in my underwear working from home since getting back.
Even though I'm still living at my parents' house while my sister and I look for an apartment, and even though I've been living out of three extremely disheveled suitcases for the past month, I still feel like a sense of calm has settled over my life.
While I was still in San Francisco, I anticipated my move to LA with a mixture of excitement and hesitation. What if Chris and I had grown too far apart during the three years that we were long-distance? What if we'd become too accustomed to our independence and freedom, our ability to come and go and more or less do whatever the fuck we please? I moved to SoCal and three days later we were on a plane together, about to embark on a 2.5 week trip in which we would be spending 24 hours/day together. What if we were over each other and just didn't know it?
However, falling back into the routine of being together has been so easy, it's as if we were never apart. It feels so simple, so right, as if I just stepped out to grab coffee and of course he would be there waiting for me once I got back. In the past month, we've spent as much time together as we have over the course of the past 8 months, and it's been fucking wonderful.
Now I split my time evenly between my parents' house and Chris' apartment in LA, driving back and forth across stretches of freeway as the what-feels-like-permanent sunshine beats against the windows of my car. Earlier this week I woke up in Chris' bed and we got bagels for breakfast and I worked from his apartment and then went to yoga afterwards and he came home from work late and crawled back into bed with me at 3am, and it was perfect. It was perfect it was perfect it was perfect.
But, anyways. While I have more to say on long-distance relationships, this feels like enough for now. How wonderful it is to be young and in love and in the same part of the state.
