Kronisk

No

[kroniskauthor]

This post is fukking retarded. Change my mind. Or do not. I do not care.

Two films smoosh together to become one as their disparate levels of plausibility and hardness of sci-fi against one another. The phrase "reverse the polarity" is used in the same story where a (very simple) explanation of Bose-Einstein condensate is given. They are trying to cater to both genius and moron. And then these desperate soldiers with almost no equipment somehow reverse engineer energy weapons from parts lying around an abandoned factory. I guess their science officer is actually Tony Stark. Or not.

I once heard a... person... suggest the idea of inserting one's cranium into one's anus and rolling down a hill. Talk about a missed opportunity in the film Hancock.

A dog licked Bob Saget's balls. Bob Saget alleges that this dog was legally his, but other sources claim this dog was a stray. The theory that this dog was a stray was given further credence when Saget adopted a cat, who also proceeded to lick his balls. Hey, some people have weird fetishes, and consent can be implied through the canid and felid having initiated the act.

I hate white people. Given how white I am to the eye, you might think this a contradiction. The truth is that after learning of all the legislative malarkey that goes on in America, I fail to see how I can not hate white people. All they do is sit around and pick their noses all day. As opposed to Mexican (ancestry) and part Chinese people, who make some of the greatest comedies history has provided. Then again, poor white people are a two-sided coin. They never know whom they should be angry at, but they can be the funniest people on this planet.

The scientific community was embarrassed today when further research and photography believed to be a star some fifty light years from Earth was in fact a giant mooning the men in the observatory. Scientists are now searching for an explanation as to how the giant was able to time the gesture so that the telescopists would be looking exactly fifty years from then. The discovery creates all manner of new possibilities regarding colonoscopies.

When asked about their failure to release a good album in twenty years, My Dying Bride commented that they had gotten so used to simple chord progressions that involved no challenge whatsoever that they did not think anyone else would notice. Meanwhile, the latest pop/pushed by corporate internet star has gotten famous with an album full of the sounds of her puking into a sweaty gym sock. Executives everywhere, deprived of models or unpaid interns, have resorted to sniffing cocaine off one another's cocks.

Turkeys.

[kroniskauthor]

I took acid

This morning, I sat down on my nice leather lounge chair and consumed a piece of paper that I was advised was soaked in Lysergic acid diethylamide. I had heard wonders about what this substance could do to the mind, so I could not pass this up.

I sat and waited for two hours. During this time, I could hear a man standing right outside my apartment door, screaming the filthiest sentences I had ever heard at the top of his lungs. It was at a point where I thought I was going to have to call the police, something I never do because police intensify my anxiety.

Then, as if yanked out of the living world by an angel's hand, the screamer shut the fukk up. The inside of my apartment door was plain white, totally unmarked. Previously, it had been many different colours, including a good splash of red. I think there were some greens, browns, and purples on there, too.

On the balcony outside, I looked out and saw that the sun was now an inert ball of yellow-orange. It had no face. It was not snarling and laughing at the misery it had caused me in the past. It appeared to be an inert ball of light.

The people walking by in the street had fear in their eyes when they looked upon me. But they looked so strange. Like they were... actual people. Not monsters with black ink faces that opened into an enormous vomiting mouth whenever I looked at them.

Flowers looked pretty. Bees looked benevolent. Tomato looked edible. Pasta looked like actual food (as opposed to skin peeled off a corpse that has been left in the open air for a week). The grass outside of the building I live in looked green and healthy. Like one could walk on it.

I went back inside. The modem was not flashing a red light every two minutes. Functioning perfectly normally, as it were. I had everything I wanted to watch on a reliable media that I could play whenever I wanted, not when some jackass who treats me more like an inconvenience than a customer says I can. One that is solid-state and will always have the required information on it, unless a giant boulder falls on it.

I fell asleep. I dreamed of pleasant things. I dreamed that I sat in a house I owned. That I had enough money to feed myself, pay my bills, and do things that would keep me sane.

Then I woke up, and the acid wore off. The blood, vomit, and piss stains were back on the walls. Netflix existed and was still giving Another Life a second season. Drawn Together, The End Of The F***ing World, and I Am Not Okay With This were still cancelled.

I could pretend I do not recommend Lysergic acid diethylamide (seriously, do not do the shit I do). But after results like these...

[kroniskauthor]

Cancel the contest. The best band name of all time has been found. This is Eccentric Toilet, a metalcore band from Bangkok, Thailand. As you witness this great arrangement, you will wonder what the fukk they are putting in the water in Bangkok.

If Eccentric Toilet are out there and come across this post, please make your music more accessible to the masses. Bandcamp is your friend, after all.

I have never met an actual eccentric toilet. I met a bastard toilet once that somehow managed to create a vacuuming effect after the seat broke and I ended up with my arse against the porcelain. Still not sure whether it was because I weighed so much or because the shit I was doing was so intensely painful that the exertion sent out that level of force.

Whatever. Fukk off.

[kroniskauthor]

I jumped into the toilet and went for a swim.

This should not surprise anybody. I am two inches tall and weigh about thirty pounds. Down the toilet I went, and with me went a copious amount of regurgitated blood, big enough to keep me going down the toilet and into the main sewage system.

I met Pickle Rick there. Pickle Rick called me a dimwit and told me that I put too much thought into bending the universe and changing the rules. I told him that he is a satire of Doc Brown and his grandson is a whinier, less intimidating version of Marty McFly, so fukk him. We settled it with a sewer vermin killing contest. Which I won handily because of my power to make things want to kill themselves. It is a power I use as little as I can, but when you are small enough that a rat can eat you, you have to fight using the best tools you can.

Bidding Pickle Rick goodbye, I floated further down the shit stream until I landed on an island that looked like a million regurgitating hermit crabs tried to make the ultimate completely and utterly unreadable black metal band logo. In vomit. On a floor. In a sewer. Where nobody will try to read it, much less succeed. I climbed up to the roof or as close as I could. Pretty sure it said Penguins, but given that this logo gave Prosanctus Inferi’s logo a run for its money, it could just as easily have said The Shitting Sweater. Penguins.

Crawled back up a toilet. I am not a cheater like Rick. I use only the physical assets given unto me either by birth or by the curses of the higher spirits. But it was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

The unshrinker restored me to my normal size and I just randomly did a fifty mile shit in the hopes that some of it might hit the Last Ninja. Yes, he is down there, too. Because which true iconic hero of the last half-century has not been in a sewer.

Piss off.

[kroniskauthor]

Science is being done badly. Just in case you thought I endorsed the brain barf photo on the previous statement. You see, ever since Humanity was shat out of the anus of the migratory bird that circles the Earth in the hope of finding something worth landing on, Humanity has needed tools to get along in life. Without the basic ability to make a hatchet, Humans would not have made it past the first two years, never mind the two hundred thousand or so. So one night whilst I was watching V (the actual V, not that sodding shitting remake that Hollywood shat out of its head) and hallucinating from paroxetine overdose, it came to me that the biggest reason science is distrusted so much is because Humans are universally (voluntarily) retarded. To understand the distinction between being retarded without being able to help it and being voluntarily retarded, I think it is best to quote my grandmother. “I don’t wanna learn” she says when told she can go and learn in a public library. And then she calls my phone whilst I am in the cinema. Not once, but she will not stop calling. Over and over and over. Lasted for the entire last hour of the film. So when I angrily called the number and learned it was her, I told her that one of the things that she apparently did not want to learn is that you cannot turn the power on your phone off whilst it is ringing. You get the slider on the screen, and just as you try to move the slider to turn off the phone, bang, it rings again. Bye bye, slider. Even someone with an IQ of 85 knows that if you ring someone constantly whilst they are declining your calls for over an hour, they will get incredibly pissed off at you.

Science is like a knife. It can be used to cut your food, pick out a skin cancer, remove stitches... or it can be shoved into the guts of an innocent Human being. I will leave you to guess which of these two antivaxxers do with it.

[kroniskauthor]

Yeah, so I am having a mental health crisis after being (kinda sorta) locked in because of a major COVID-19 crisis. After having a thirty-plus year mental health crisis, I can take it. That line about “your mummy and daddy not loving you enough when you were a child” is a mockery of the real thing. When you go to school and discover you vomit on classmates when they ask you over and over what you are eating and then answer their own question with a food that makes you sick just looking at it, or you want to kill a particularly abusive teacher (this was the 1980s), an anxiety disorder is all but assured. But here is the thing. As described so well on Bunnyears.com, when you have Generalised Anxiety Disorder, the world is your anxiety oyster filled with new and surprising ways to panic. So if that stupid little shit who kept asking me “what’s that? peanut butter and jelly.” over and over wants another go, I urge him to dox himself on here and I will go over to his home and puke on him a second time. Just a quick hint, however. He will not find my puke so pleasant a second time around, because my gastric system is all shot to shit my long-term diabetes. GG Allin once took me to seventeen different sleazy joints where I ate seventeen burgers. As in I ate seventeen burgers at each joint. Because I had smoked enough marijuana beforehand to cover the Amazon. That is two hundred and eighty-nine burgers, for those like me who cannot be fukked to do the math. Then GG and I created a diahorrea buffet, where he and Odin knows how many punks ate the diahorrea that I produced from my gastric neuropathy and enough hamburgers to feed a young Tommy Chong. (In case you are curious about the relationship between food and drugs, Buffalo Soldiers is also a great film because a fukkstick who thinks stomach acid is selective about what it breaks down gets what is coming to him.) Contrary to what Mr. Allin asserted, diahorrea is not good for you. It will probably give you COVID-19, for starters. Oh, unless you are an antivaxxer dill. Then eat it to your heart’s content since you are apparently magically immune to the COVID. (Remember boys and girls, because stupidity is apparently more infectious than the cold, those last two sentences are sarcasm.) But anyway, fear of catching COVID is bad for your mental health, too. So if you are American and get a heavy bill for your hospital stay, sue an antivaxxer. And hold them down in the waiting area, and shit all over their face.

[kroniskauthor]

My arse hurts when I sit down. It is my own stupid fault for having put morphine suppositories in my arse every time I sat down since I was a schoolboy. And that time I accidentally broke a pool cue off in my arse because I forgot I had shoved it up there just to see what it would feel like before I sat down. Both of those were unpleasant. Please do not push a pool cue up your arse. When you are not gay, you end up feeling like you violated yourself. And that feeling will never leave you so long as you live. Trust me, I know. It is also hard if you go to rape support groups, because they laugh at you when you finish explaining how you are your own victim. Or maybe I just hallucinated the laughter because of the morphine suppositories I reintroduced myself to just after. Piss off.

[kroniskauthor]

So I got fukking sick of life

I remember when the Internet was good. Deadhead knobheads like Mark Fukkheadberg and his Nazi sympathiser board of white supremacists were itches in the anus of a retarded white elephant. I remember when the Internet was a haven from censorship, when it had utterly defeated censorship. When we were not told we were disallowed from eating steak because babies cannot chew it. Jeff Bezos is a Nazi who regularly vomits the corpses of child labourers into the mouth of Larry Page. Larry Page likes to wipe his arse on the backs of disabled children, especially autistic children. Who are not so much disabled as they are disabled by the world around them. Remember, Larry. If there were more of them than of your kind, your kind would be the ones considered disabled. And then we would be wiping our arses on your face because turnaround is fair play. Susan Wojcicki huffs the furballs off dead cats. I know this because I have seen it in person. I videotaped it and put it on YouChoob, but it was struck down, and the message literally says “video has been taken down because Susan Wojcicki is a crybaby pussy... huffer”. Ask me anything. Then piss off.