st4

ch0 (。・艸-。)-☆ daily-ish diaryblog and (photo) dump [deactivated]

[kskbli]

 ٩( ᐛ )و 

28.03.2025 (1)

this is my last entry ^^ if you want to keep contact with me you can find me on instagram and twitter under the same username!

until then, bye bye

23:48

[kskbli]

Ю　○三　＼(￣^￣＼)

15.03.2025 (1)

my birthday is in 7 days, i'll be turning 20

what a big number right ?? 20 seems so big and mature but i'm far from mature

why are there not any online games where you can customize your character to look like you and play and fight against the evil with others . . . i know wizard 101 but i think i'm the only one playing (you have to pay for alot of stuff so it's understandable)

does anybody know any games where the character customization is super good and you can play with others?

i'm really into games they can be so fun, especially when youre playing with friends ^^

i'm going to search the web for some cool games now, some for which i don't have to pay for ................

wish me luck!

oh and i went to my course yesterday and today, very proud of myself eventhough i kept falling asleep

[kskbli]

(´･_･人)

09.03.2025 (1)

time has passed yet again since my last entry

but i have to be honest, i have never been so consistent with a diary like this one (even though i kind of am not right now)

i've been writing on this account for more than a year now

i forgot what i wanted to say

im sitting outside in the sun right now and using my phone to write

i usually dislike using my phone for tumblr, i like using my laptop more

i wish i could draw the way i want to draw and dress the way i want to dress, but i don't have the power in me to constantly practice and i neither do i have the money for clothes

my parents are giving me money for my birthday so i can buy myself something with it, but i'm not even going to be able to do that because i'm in so much debt

using my birthday money for food when others use it for going on trips or stuff they've always wanted to have, feels like a waste

it's not a waste because i need food to live, i know ... i hope you know what i mean

i love the idea of going on walks, don't have the strength to go on walks though

that basically sums up my life as of right now

i get tired by doing the smallest things

14:10

[kskbli]

__φ(．．;)

24.02.2025 (1)

long time no read

i was in a psychiatry for 2 and a half months but now im back and i'm doing better i think

no i'm sure, the last week i remember before i was in the psychiatry i couldn't physically leave my bed or eat

today i cleaned my whole apartment, did my makeup, and im going out in an hour with my girlfriend

so i can surely say theres some improvement

alot

im on more medication though, but i don't mind as long as they help me ^^

the only problem i have is that i feel shaky most of the time

i came to alot of realizations while being in the clinic

i'm very thankful for the help i got and still am getting

i thought i'd have much more to say on here haha

maybe i'll have more to tell another day

16:55

[mournfulroses]

Anaïs Nin, from a novel titled "A Spy in the House of Love," published in 1954

[mongura]

[kskbli]

happy new year!! \⁠(⁠ϋ⁠)⁠/⁠♩

01.01.2025 (1)

happy new year to you too!♡

hope this year turns out to be better than the last one, for the both of us and for anyone reading this . . . ^_^

19:35

[kskbli]

...

07.12.2024 (2)

i can't stop thinking . . . i looked everywhere for the different kinds of sleeping medication i had gotten from my doctor months ago

but i think i threw everything away

i just want to fall asleep and never wake up again

i had a small bottle of sedatives and youre only supposed to take about 20 drops each day but i drank the whole bottle in hopes of it making me tired or unconcious but it won't i think

i haven't eaten anything yet either i don't have anything in my fridge

i took a shower 1 hour ago though . . . i hope i get tired soon and just fall asleep T_T

life is not good

i wish i had friends but i'm not capable of having friends nor have a healthy relationship

i sometimes wish i had a best friend who i could meet up in the middle of the night and who would understand how i feel but you can't have everything in life, or in my case anything as it seems

16:10

[kskbli]

(・_・)

07.12.2024 (1)

long time no read, i don't know what motivated me to write a tumblr post after weeks of not even being able to open the website for longer than 1 minute . . .

i was gone for one month and still am not back, i don't think i can say i will ever be back though i never was here to begin with

i now am in a psychiatric dayclinic and this week in particular has been hell for me

i keep telling myself i don't belong there it feels so wrong to be treated for something that i did to myself, everbody else in the clinic has a valid reason to be there (i tell myself)

so stupid... every therapysession i've had feels so ... ? acted ? fake almost i guess.. the word i'm looking for is artificial i think

i've been noticing myself try and act cheerful around the doctors and therapists but why does my mind automatically do that, it's such a gross feeling because in one hand i want to be as real and true to myself and my feelings as i can so i can get the help i need but on the other hand im convinced none of them take me seriously so there is no need to try

this is not my first time in a clinic, it's my third

i hate going, but i still do it

what other choices do i have

the food doesn't taste good, it tastes like hospital food because it is

the way the doctors talk to me there makes me feel like i'm sick, the worst part is that they refuse to use the right pronouns and name for me

some of the nurses do, which im thankful for

my doctor said she and everybody else has to use she/her pronouns for me and the title ms. because i haven't had a genderconfirming operation yet

i'm sure it's just an excuse, why should you only respect trans people after they pass

i've been crying about it all day, the clinic is the only place where you can expect to be treated with respect and kindness from all of the people that are in charge of you

but they end up being the ones who let you down, it was like this the last two times too

i can officially say that i have tried everything now

about 00:30

[kskbli]

(□_□)

04.11.2024 (1)

there is a strong smell of trash in my apartment . . . it's because i haven't taken out the trash in days

i don't even own a garbage bin anymore, everything's just laying around

i haven't gone to work in a week . . . i went to my doctor and she gave me a note for the whole week + 3 days till the sixth of november

i promised myself i'd try and work on myself those last days but i didn't do anything

why go outside or cook, when it doesn't even feel rewarding? there's no point

i have to go to the vet tomorrow with my cat, i wish i could go today but i myself have a doctors appointment

i also have an appointment at the bank today, it's about taking a loan so i can pay for my course

i don't know why i'm doing things . . . my body is on autopilote

i really wish i spent less time on social media, tiktok to be exact

everytime i feel sad, mad, bored, anything negative i find myself scrolling through tiktok... i hate it so much

but i know that if i deleted tiktok, i'd move to instagram and if i delete instagram i'd move to youtube etc. etc. ........................

at this point all i want to do is get rid of my phone . nowadays you need it for everything though

i think i'm going to delete tiktok now, i have to break some sort of pattern with all the strength i have left in my body or else i'll turn into a hollow shell

there's still some drops left in me, i know it.. sometimes i wish there weren't though

it's hard holding onto them, when letting go seems so much easier but theyre there and i can't get rid of them, which is a good thing i guess

i don't know what to say. . .

it's so sad how everyone looks the same, i wish there were still people who like being weird

people will judge you, they will and always have but that's part of being you and it's sad seeing peoples fears take over them and their individuality

wear cool makeup, or don't, dye your hair bright blue, wear bright red tights or 6 bracelets on each arm ! people will care and some will not but that's none of your concern

imagine having the privilige of being alive, having the opportunity to be and do whatever and whoever you want and you choose not to

i'm just babbling at this point

i have a japanese radio station attached to my browser , i downloaded it 2 years ago but it never worked

i've been getting worse and worse, everytime i open up about my feelings people tell me i have to stay alive, for them, for upcoming memories, for happiness that has yet to come

why not for myself? why can't i stay alive for me? i can't anymore and don't want to anymore ...

good night zz

[kskbli]

(; -_-)――――――C<―_-)

25.10.2024 (2)

i can't hear these stuck up people anymore, all of them have a stick or broom or whatever you want to call it up their ass

working in a luxury hotel has it's pros and contras

my mom made a therapist call me in hopes of the thrapist telling me that being trans isn't normal and that i'm sick, but the opposite happened when i started talking to her

she was super supportive of me and wanted to make sure that i have the support and (professional) help during times like these especially during my transition

she even told me that she helped a trans boy transition last year ^^

i asked her if she told my mom the same stuff she told me when my mom approached her about me wanting to "be" a boy

and she said yes, she was honest to my mother too and told her that there is nothing wrong with being trans

i don't think my mom, my parents will ever understand. . . they live in their own world where only their opinions matter

but i don't care . . . i was open to my parents about how they can support and help me but they keep doing the exact opposite . . . so it's their own doing at this point (it always was haha)

like always there is a part of me that misses his parents, but i can't stand talking to them anymore when every third word is them misgendering me, calling me by my deadname or just blatantly calling me their daughter

autumn break is starting for students in my area and i couldn't be more jealous . . . TT

all the job applications i've sent out this week have been denied agh

what to do

i wish i had the patience to just wait and let life take me where i'm supposed to go . . . but i can't wait any longer TT i'm getting weaker day by day

16:38

[kskbli]

∪￣-￣∪

25.10.2024 (1)

it feels like i have to drag my body around . . . i kept telling myself that if i had a car i would drive myself into a tree this morning on my work

but i don't have a car and i always take a bus to work

i'm hungry and i don't have money for food, my house is a mess

i had to quit taking one of my antidepressants, because it made me super confused and paranoid

but since i've stopped i've started getting worse again moodwise

i really want to quit my job but before i can do that i need another job first

agh even typing and talking is taking so much effort

everything's also kind of blurry -_-

i don't know how i'll survive today

10:42

[kskbli]

(-3o)

22.10.2024 (1)

yesterday a nice guest at my hotel gave me a present with a letter telling me how nice of a person i am and how kind my soul is... "if the world only consisted of people like you, there would be peace"

it almost brought me to tears and i could not stop shaking for minutes after :') i of course gave him a letter and gift in return

after almost spending 4 years working in hotels, this was a first for me

it made me realize something though . . . it's not the hospitality industry i love working in ( i don't think i ever did ) but the people, i love talking to people, i love spending time with them and most importantly i love helping others

but this is not the only job where i can do that, i can work and help people doing what i love too! while being a graphic designer to be exact

i don't really like my coworkers here, i don't like the hours, i don't like the atmosphere . . . i just don't like anything to be honest

i don't know how to switch to a job that pays well and also fullfills my needs

i think i'm going to start browsing around a bit today and see what my city has to offer and if there are any companies in the area i could work at

i had a question of the day but i chose to not answer it or else my entry would take 10min to read . . .

22.10.2024

[kskbli]

>°))))彡

13.10.2024 (1)

in order to work as a graphic designer i need to have the knowledge and experience, which i would acquire in a design academy

it costs 5.000,00 EUR though and i don't have 5.000,00 EUR

so i have to work and save up, but working in a non-creative, very stressful environment (a hotel) sucks up my energy and will to live day by day

i can feel myself turning more gray and lifeless the more i work

the worst thing is that i do not even feel fullfilled after working . . .

i leave, get into the bus, drive home, walk home, lie down with my cat or spend time with my girlfriend and can't enjoy a single minute without counting down the hours till my next shift

alot of people said to keep the fact youre making money in mind as a motivation... i have reached a point where i don't care about that anymore

if it weren't for the money i need to buy my cats food, i'd happily be jobless and on the streets

when i still was an apprentice, i told myself that i have to keep up with this until i graduate and then i can do whatever i want

here i am doing the exact opposite of what i wanted to do, after my graduation

21:33

[kskbli]

ρ(- ω -、)ヾ(￣ω￣; )

08.10.2024 (1)

i'm kind of getting used to work again . . . i think ? maybe it's just because i've been doing the morning shifts alot lately

on sunday i have to do the evening shift . i hate it ¬_¬)

but everybody here had to do it, so i have to go through hell too

question of the day for you and me: if you could shrink down to the size of an ant for a day, what would be the first thing you’d want to do?

my first thought was about being scared that a bird will eat me . . .

but if we put that aside i would love to climb on a flower and sleep on the disc floret zZz specifically on a daisy

maybe climb into the little pocket my cat has beside her ear, if you know what i'm talking about

i'm getting tired again i can feel how my eyes are slowly getting heavier . . .

07:23

[kskbli]

(╥﹏╥)

07.10.2024 (1)

i'm so so tired, i slept 7 hours yesterday and i'll try to get even more tonight

i have 7 more hours to go . . . i wish there was a national holiday where everyone could just sleep and not have to go to work, but they can if they want to, i wouldn't

i don't have much to talk about, so i'm starting with something called "weirdly specific question of the day"

feel free to also answer to the question under my blog, i'd be happy to hear other answers :-)

question of the day: if you had to wear socks with a random pattern on them every day, what oddly specific pattern would you pick?

i would pick striped or plaid, in the colours red white and black (and grey)

i feel like they would be a cute detail in an outfit . . . i only have black socks and the ones i accidentally keep stealing from my girlfriends dad

but i have been meaning to buy new fun comfy socks for a while now, they're just so expensive . . . 1 pair of socks goes from 3,99 to 14,99 just because it has a cat pattern on it

and mind you, 3,99 for 1 pair of socks... thats way too much, who in their right mind would spend 14,99

i wouldn't

i really don't know why i got so passionate about socks, i'm trying to keep myself from falling asleep

08:09

[kskbli]

ヽ(￣ω￣(。。 )ゝ

06.10.2024 (1)

the hotel is full of guests, and they keep coming to the reception every 3 minutes just to ask me the most simple . . . self explanatory questions on earth

the drinks in the room, you said they were included... are they safe to drink? no you have to do a handstand and clap 1 time so all the toxins leave the water, what kind of question is that . . .

i'm not mad at my guests, nor do i talk badly to them, but gosh i am so tired

i can't hear anyone asking where our parking space is anymore

i was checking someone out of their room a couple of minutes ago, and while talking to the guest my eyes kept shutting close

that's how tired i am T___T you don't want to know how often i have dozed off while writing this

i keep on having to pinch myself

09:23