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[pien-art]

make what you love, do what you love :) filet crochet 50 x 37 cm prints available here dyke version here

[cherry-waffles]

Moisturize me

[nicnacsnonsense]

I hate when people ask me how long it took me to crochet something I’ve made. Frankly, that’s none of my business. I put the yarn on the hook and worked on it whenever the spirit happened to take me to and then one day it was done. How long that process took is between the yarn and god; I want no part of it.

[kslifeanon]

Childhood

We assume childhood comes with protection — safety from all forms of harm. We don’t imagine that danger will come from inside the home, or from the people meant to provide that safety. Mothers and fathers are not supposed to abandon their children. And even when a parent is physically present, it is their mental and emotional presence that matters most.

There is an unspoken promise that parents will protect the young, that they will guide their children gently toward happy, fulfilled lives. We believe fear will be postponed, kept at a distance until a child is old enough to understand it. Innocence, we assume, will be guarded carefully, like something fragile and precious.

Childhood, in this telling, is meant to be soft and forgiving — a place to land before the world grows sharp. It is supposed to be a time of learning without threat, of love without conditions. Most of all, childhood is supposed to be safe, childhood is supposed to be simple. It’s meant to be filled with family, laughter, and love — a time before life becomes complicated, before the weight of the world begins to press in. We’re told that confusion and rebellion come later, during adolescence, when restlessness shows up without a clear reason. A rebel without a cause, my Latin teacher used to say, like it was a universal rule of growing up.

But sometimes things don’t follow that plan.

Sometimes fear arrives early. Sometimes the world becomes frightening and confusing at an age when you don’t yet have the words to explain what’s wrong. There’s no language for it, no framework to place it in — only a feeling that something isn’t right, even if you can’t point to why.

When that happens, childhood doesn’t shape itself around joy and curiosity the way it’s supposed to. Instead, it bends around vigilance. Around anxiety. Around learning how to survive. Long before you understand what you’re responding to, your body begins to adapt, and those adaptations quietly become part of who you are.

[kslifeanon]

When CPS Came (Again)

A few days later, my older sister and I got home from school and did what we always did—we turned on the TV and waited. We were alone.

There was a knock at the door.

I opened it without thinking. I only did because I knew our neighbor—one of my mom’s friends—was watching us from across the street. I assumed it was her, coming over to tell us something or check on us.

It wasn’t.

A woman stood on the porch in nice business clothes, holding a clipboard.

And a camera.

She said she was with CPS. She said she wanted to talk to me about what happened to my face.

My stomach dropped. I started crying immediately. I already knew I’d messed up just by opening the door. Now she knew we were home alone.

I told her the same thing I had told everyone else. I said my mom tripped and fell. I said it was an accident. I said I was fine.

That’s when our neighbor hurried across the street.

“Y’all done dropping your stuff off and getting snacks?” she called out casually, like this was all completely normal.

I caught on right away. “Yes,” I said quickly. “We just put our backpacks up. We were about to come over.”

She saved me from having to invent another lie.

I tried to slip past the CPS worker and off the porch, desperate to escape the situation. But she lifted her camera.

To my immediate horror and embarrassment, she said she needed to take pictures of my face.

I stood there while she took them.

Click. Click. Click.

I wanted to ask if I could see them. I wanted to know if it really looked as bad as everyone was acting like it did. Surely it wasn’t that bad.

But I didn’t ask.

I never asked questions back then. I just stood still and waited for it to be over.

[surqrised]

“Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you have the right to be cruel.”

— Unknown

[vexheart]

[kslifeanon]

surviving child abuse

Author’s Note

This post contains descriptions of childhood abuse. I’m sharing it not for shock, but for honesty—for the version of me who didn’t have words yet, and for anyone who recognizes themselves in silence, fear, or survival. You don’t have to read this all at once. You don’t have to read it at all. But if you do, know that you’re not alone.

When I was in fifth grade, my mother took me, my two sisters, and our cousin to the community pool in the trailer park where I grew up. It wasn’t a nice pool—not even close. Looking at it now, sitting right at the entrance of the park, I wouldn’t let my dog swim in it.

But we were ten years old. We didn’t know what “nice” was. We only knew it was a place to swim.

When you grow up without anything clean or safe or luxurious, you don’t notice when things are bad. You assume that’s just how the world is.

It was a good day. My cousin brought her PlayStation over, and we spent hours playing video games, waiting for the Texas sun to cool down enough to go outside. Summer break had just ended, but in Texas, late August is still unbearably hot.

My mother was sick again. She was always sick.

She’d stay awake for days, vibrating with energy, cleaning endlessly even though nothing ever seemed clean. She’d take apart electronics that already worked, convinced she could fix them—usually breaking them instead. When she got like this, I knew the anger wasn’t far behind. Neither were the fists.

So we tried to be perfect.

We stayed quiet. We didn’t ask for lunch. We told ourselves we were big girls, that we could take care of ourselves, that we could wait until our grandmother came home to feed us. Being invisible felt safer.

Finally, after hours of video games, my mother told us to put our bathing suits on. We rushed, excited, and walked to the pool, arriving around 7 p.m.

My sister and cousin went straight to the deep end. I wasn’t a strong swimmer, so I asked if we could play mermaids in the shallow area. They told me no. They said they didn’t want to play with me right now and told me to go away.

It hurt. They were my best friends. I didn’t understand why they pushed me away, but I didn’t want to get out of the pool. So I sat on the steps in the water, telling myself I’d wait until they were done—until I was allowed to join again.

I’ll admit it. I was pouting.

Suddenly, a hard hand grabbed me and yanked me out of the water.

Before I could understand what was happening, my mother leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Your ass is mine.”

I didn’t know what I had done.

She dragged me to the car, threw me into the back seat, and sped out of the parking lot. She screamed the entire drive—calling me stupid, ungrateful, a bitch—telling me I was finally going to get it. I begged her, sobbing, saying I didn’t know what I did wrong.

It took seconds to get back to the trailer.

As soon as the car stopped, I ran inside. I didn’t know where to go, so I stood frozen in the middle of the living room.

She followed me in and let out a long, wordless scream of rage. Then she shoved me hard in the chest. I flew backward and slammed my head into a table, knocking it over.

She screamed at me for breaking her things.

She grabbed me by my hair and dragged me down the hallway to my bedroom, throwing me onto my bed.

I lay on my back with my knees pulled up, my hands out in front of me, begging her to stop. Asking her what I did.

“Crying at the pool,” she said.

She pinned both my hands with one of hers and slammed the other into my face. The pain was unbearable. My nose ran. My face burned. I screamed.

She covered my mouth and told me to shut up before she gave me a real reason to cry.

I know she wanted me quiet. I don’t think she meant to cover my nose too.

But she did.

I tried to scream. I tried to breathe. I kicked and clawed at her hand while she pressed her knee into my chest to hold me down. My lungs burned. My vision went black at the edges. I got weaker.

Then she let go.

“Stupid little bitch,” she said, and walked out.

I went to school the next morning.

I didn’t know what my face looked like. I kept my head down, my long hair pulled over one side. I didn’t look in the mirror. My face throbbed.

My teacher noticed immediately. She asked me to come with her before class even started.

I was terrified. I thought I was in trouble. The day hadn’t even begun yet—how could I have messed up already?

But we didn’t go to the principal’s office. We went down a back hallway into a quiet room with two dogs. A woman introduced herself as a guidance counselor. She was kind. Her dogs were gentle.

She asked me about my face.

That’s when I knew: I wasn’t in trouble. My mother was.

I cried and told her it was an accident. I said my mom tripped and fell on me. I stayed with the counselor all day.

When my mother picked me up, she sneered, “So what, you’re a little pussy who has to run to your teacher and have them call CPS?”

I told her I didn’t. I swore I said it was an accident.

When I got home, I finally looked in the mirror.

My left eye was swollen shut, black and deep purple. I couldn’t see out of it. Across the left side of my face was a perfect five-finger handprint. My lip was split. My cheek was bruised. The impressions of my mother’s rings were stamped into my skin.

CPS came.

And then CPS left.

Later, my mother laughed with her friends about how she got off “with a slap on the wrist and one parenting class.” She mocked me every chance she got.

One day, we were watching a news segment about BACA—Bikers Against Child Abuse—and she laughed loudly and said, “Look, stupid, they ride for you.”

She thought it was hilarious.

I didn’t understand then what I know now.

A child sitting on pool steps, waiting to be included, did not deserve terror. A ten-year-old did not deserve rage, fists, or the feeling of air disappearing from their lungs.

I was ten years old.

And I lived.