The past few months have been months full of vulnerability, loneliness, friendship, trial, love, heartbreak, failure, success, praise, and prayer. Going into college all I could think was how lonely I would be and how much I would fail in my classes that I was taking (especially since my grades didn’t get me into a “real” college.) (also, side note-- this is a big fat lie that I let myself believe. I am just as much of a college student in college classes as the next person. Your school does not define your identity and it doesn’t make you better or worse than the people around you. This is something that is huge that I learned this semester. This is something that is so hard to remember, but so important not to forget.) Basically I went into college thinking that life was going to be very hard for me.
Well, at first, it was incredibly difficult. I was out of my comfort zone, away from my family, not allowing myself to make friends, overwhelming myself with school and deadlines and red marks on papers that I myself filled out but had no idea what was on them and just having a terrifically terrible time. I had no idea why people kept telling me that college would be the best 4 years of my life because so far it had been a living hell for me.
Then, suddenly, it got better. I got involved in a church, a sorority, college Young Life, and a few bible studies. Wow. Life took a complete U-turn. I have met some of my best friends that I have ever had, like ever. My walk with Christ has never been so crazy amazing. I cannot recall a single time in my life where I have just clung to Christ as much as I do now. I go to Him with my praises, my prayers, my tears, my successes- my everything. He has been so incredibly faithful to me since moving away to college. He has delivered with my friendships. The girl that I call my best friend here literally was a blessing sent from heaven above. The first day that we ever hung out we ended up just completely clicking and sharing our testimonies with each other and we basically had almost the exact same testimony. It was the craziest thing ever. I wanted to just weep tears of happiness and praise because she is one of the reasons that I have learned to love college so much. My sorority is a Christian sorority and the friendships that I have made from my prayer group is ridiculous. They are so loving and caring and so real and they have shown and extended love and true friendship to me. My friendships that I have made here are just mind-blowing. I cannot help but just constantly praise the Lord for such blessings that He put in my life. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around a life without my new best friends in it.
Since coming to college, I also met a guy. A guy that is literally the male version of me. I have never met someone that I click with so much. We have the same personality and every moment that I spend with him is a moment that I just really treasure and genuinely feel free to be exactly who I am. He is one of my very best friends and I also couldn’t imagine a world where he isn’t there in my life to be able to talk to and hangout with. I thought he would be the perfect boyfriend for me and he is exactly who I planned out to have in my life.
****Keyword: Who I planned out to have in my life.
Something that has hit me like a train since coming to college as well is that I ultimately can hope for and want all types of different things for my life. I can tell the Lord what I want and I can even use my free will do whatever I want.
What I want is not always what the Lord has in store for me.
This is something that I have to constantly humble myself to and think about. I cannot plan out anything in my life. He has it all in His hands and He has a perfect plan for met that I have no say in and that is more than exactly what I need. He will provide for me whenever I need it and it will be perfect. His plan is perfect. His plan is good. He is a good, good father.
Well, this boy did not necessarily work out for me, but he did work out for my best friend. Wow. Talk about heartbreak. Serious, serious heartbreak. Lots of tears, lots of thoughts of abandonment, lots of thoughts put into my head from the enemy that I am not good enough for this boy and that I will not be good enough for anyone in the future. What a pathetic lie that I gave into believing. Something that I so often forget about is how much power the devil can have over me, and how easy it is just to give in and listen to him because sometimes it is the easy route. My best friend does not know about everything that happened with the boy and me, but I feel like when it is the right time that the Lord will give me exactly which words I need to say to her and at that time everything will work out exactly how it needs to.
For a while, I was completely fine with the boy and my best friend dating. I am genuinely happy for them. I love both of them so much and I couldn’t imagine ever sacrificing a friendship with one person for a relationship with another. Both people are people who I am so blessed to have in my life as best friends.
That is something I also have constantly been reminding myself of. How extremely blessed that I am to have been led to where I am now and to the people that I have such great community with.
I still get sad about my lack of a relationship with this boy, and that is completely ok.
It is ok for me to feel emotions. It is part of our human nature and it is something that helps us to become the type of people that God wants us to be. I forget this so often. It’s one of those things that are so important to remember, though.
With school, I have learned how to balance the time that I need to use for studying with the time that I need to use for me-time with the time that I need to spend with friends and my quiet time with the Lord.
So far, here’s a gist of the things that I have learned in college.
Life is so good. College is so good. It is a sweet time of growth and friendship and finding who you are in the Lord and a sweet time of needing to listen to Him and cling to Him with everything that you’ve got. My college experience has made me have to dip my feet into things that I am not 100% comfortable with and it has made me fail and succeed and learn and keep on getting up after falling down.
Right now, I am dreading the end of this semester. I am dreading having to go home to people that I haven’t seen in five months and pretend that we’re all still great friends. We have all changed so much in the past few months. Some have found exactly where they need to be and some have lingered off into the deep end. I don’t want to leave my friends here. I don’t want to have to be 4 hours away from my best friend for a whole entire month. to say the least bit, it’s going to suck. I think that this winter break will also be a great time of growing in the fact that while I am here, I have friends that are across the country experiencing completely different things in completely different ways. I cannot wait to hear about their different things that they have gone through and I cannot wait to show how much that the Lord has worked in my life throughout these past few months. I completely believe that I am almost a completely different person right now than I was coming into college. It will be so interesting to see how other people have molded since moving away too, though.
Please pray for me as I go back home to a bunch of people who will likely seem like strangers to me. Pray that I can be a light and that I can just remember that my identity is in Christ and that I am here solely to praise Him and make His name known.
College is so fun. I am totally starting to see why people keep telling me how great it is.
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