Letting Go
Sidenote: putting yourself in writing feels so therapeutic.
I’m letting go of my best friend.
Growing up, I always felt like I wasn’t close to someone. I had friends, but I never felt like I could call someone my best friend the way other people had that someone to go to; someone that they could open up to and confide in each other at the end of the day. In that respect, I always felt so alone in the end, wondering when/why/how the concept even worked and why I couldn’t be a part of it.
Come college, and I really began to fill that void. I made a lot of friends I would consider close, like T.S., A.G., and C.C. They really opened up to me and were there for me and let me open up the them, but as time passed, they moved on one after another; and time and time again I felt like I was being left behind and ended up shutting them out. My heart was so weak at this point I wondered if I had enough left in me to let someone else in like that again.
Then I met M.B.
First impression: Fuckboi. Our interests will never align. Just another new friend. Heyos. Cool.
But as time went on, he took the time to really know me, and opened up to me. We became good friends and I really thought I’d found someone again I could call “best friend”.
But my anxiety hit. Like a truck. I was afraid of losing him. I distanced myself; he thought he did something wrong; we argued; we made up. He wanted to work on this and save our friendship. I wanted to believe in him and I did. I shouldn’t have.
I disappeared for a while to better myself and deal with some serious anxiety/issues in my life alone, but when I came back, he had changed. Or we had changed. He has new friends, new people he’s close with; someone else he can be close to and confide in; people who are there for him while I had shut him out. These are all good things though, that he cared so much about his friends, but it made me realize that it hurt me because I had put up this expectation that I would get picked first, and I wouldn’t have to feel shut out, but I shouldn’t have thought like that, and I shouldn’t have expected so much of him. I felt like I couldn’t confide in him or ask him to care for me again because he had chosen someone new to take care of. It felt like he couldn’t cofide in me either or had just chosen to confide in someone else.
No one here is wrong, or doing something bad, but it was just a matter of choice. His choices these past few weeks really showed me our “best friendship” had been one sided on my part, and it was ignorant of me to keep trying to include myself when we really weren’t that close anymore. Whether or not he would agree to this sentiment, the fact that I even felt this much shows I hadn’t gotten better, and I was repeating history like when we fought.
I’m ending it. Yeah, we’re still friends. But that’s all there is. I wanted to be your best friend M.B., but you’ve got better friends. And I’m ok with being alone again. Not really ok, but I feel better choosing this than hurting you.