can i be a lil aroace n plural w it for a bit in a way that might make other aroace n plural folks mad
being aroace for me is a little different from how ive been told it "works". ive seen others say "it's up to aroace people to decide how their relationships work", but simultaneously the same people i saw with that sentiment seemed wary or even hostile towards anyone else who doesn't use the aroace label, which always includes those who are still questioning / don't know they fit the label yet.
the same thing happened to us with being plural—people were in silent agreement that being plural and actively knowing this makes you an authority who gets to speak on which experiences "count", which actively leaves out anyone who's still questioning/unaware. we were dissociating and yelling at each other in the brain constantly for almost 2 decades, but this exclusivity made us believe there was no way we could ever be plural, all because we didnt actively know it to be why we were experiencing daily life that way.
i think it really has to do with how these identities are valued more as "community-defining" badges of honor, rather than being labels anyone is allowed to use if they feel it suits them.
yes, there's always value in gathering around similar people, it's life-saving at times and reminds you you're not alone. but somewhere down the line, the hurt and defensiveness we feel from being socially outcast by the traits associated with these identities makes it all too easy to fall for unintentional exclusivity.
i feel like "listen to us" doesn't have to be riddled with insults towards others. i feel like it all needs to be restructured in a way that welcomes anyone questioning and makes them feel safe, and embraces them if they figure it out, or gives them well wishes / accepts them as allies if it turns out they were mistaken. there really never needed to be an "us vs. you/them", nor an awkward, kinda accusatory tone of "i'm definitely different from you". bc truly we don't need to be pushing anyone away to make a point