it started out as just a dinner. i was nervous- panicked on facetime with my best friend trying to pick the best dress to wear. he took me to the nicest restaurant in my town, and very quickly reminded me of the life i walked away from years ago. for the next few weeks things stayed pretty casual. dinners or lunch dates, never more than a day together. we werenāt even having sex. he taught me how to play guitar, showed me music he was creating, even let me record in his studio. he was encouraging me to better my life and i felt like i was learning and getting inspired with all the time i spent with him.Ā
i definitely started falling for him before i realized. my friends could see it. i dont know how i didnāt. about a week before halloween i went home for a few days. when i left his house he said he was going to miss me and i cringed. the next night i called because i missed him. thats when i realized. after that trip we started spending a lot of time together. all of our time really. we went to the coast to spend a night together and i spent another two nights at his house right after. we went out together for halloween, he didnt get mad when i hit the curb, we were just having a really good time together. we were both feeling the same thing but we never acknowledged it.Ā
the first week of november was blissful. we spent election night getting lost in each other and trying to block out the bullshit going on in the world. we spent the next few days falling, still not acknowledging it, but just letting it happen. we were talking on one of our daily drives and i ended the conversation before it really started. we booked a trip to hawaii. he sent me shopping with his daughter. he asked if i wanted to spend thanksgiving with him and his family. things gradually got more intense and when we did have that conversation we realized our relationship was more traditional than we had originally thought possible. it made me happy. happy that he was feeling the same way, happy that we were making our own fun during the pandemic, happy that it felt like we both had finally found what we needed and deserved, but most of all i was happy that i was finally in THE relationship i had been waiting for.
for the last two years i have known exactly what i needed in a relationship. i knew what would be good for me and what wouldnāt, what would work and what couldnāt. in the last two years i have knowingly gotten into relationships that went against what i knew was right for me and they never worked out for those very reasons. i had pretty much given up on finding someone that i would be compatible with in every way and he surprised me by being all of that.Ā
the first two days in hawaii were perfect. i was in awe of where we were, and the fact that my life had led me there with someone who was treting me so well. the second night there i was so purely happy. i couldnāt stop smiling, i was so blissfully overwhelmed by all the good things that were unfolding in my life. i felt euphoric. we were walking along the ocean in a cute touristy town when he told me he loved me, i told him i felt the same. at this point we had yet to have a real bad moment in our relationship. that changed the next day.
it started out fine but went further downhill than i would have ever anticipated. we spent the whole day in the car and most of it was good. it slowly got harder and the last three hours of the drive were completely silent- minus my crying. we were both exhausted and needed a break. i went shopping and he went to the bar. that night set the tone for the rest of the trip.Ā
i spent so much time and energy trying not to be angry and i was only making things worse. i wanted to get away from him but i felt like i couldnāt let him out of my sight. i wasnāt having a good time in paradise and that was making me feel crazy. i felt ungrateful for not enjoying the trip he took me on while i resented him for being the reason i was in a bad mood throughout it. i felt trapped. it was a recipe for disaster.
despite all the tension we felt on the trip we spent the next few days together, and they were good. really good. when i went home for thanksgiving i couldnāt stop missing him. i talked to my friends and family about how good things were and spent most of my time talking or texting with him. the day after thanksgiving i went right back to staying with him. that night we talked about some hard stuff. he brought up how hard it is that none of my friends or family are truly supportive of our relationship. before that converstion i hadnāt fully realized how difficult it was. the next day we went to santa cruz for the night and had another quiet drive. it was much shorter and i didnāt think anything was wrong. he felt differently.
it was easy for me to associate his relapse with being in hawaii. i understood the factors that led to it, i could see that he regretted it and his actions showed me that he didnāt want it to happen again. but when it happened again at home, it hurt. this time i took it personally. i was angry and i still am. for a while i had let it go. i wanted to move past it and i did- we did. he started going to meetings, we started spending less time time together and it felt like things were getting back to normal.Ā
he drank again a few days ago and blatantly lied to me multiple times when i asked. i went to his house the next morning to get my shit and leave him, i ended up staying there for three days. it was all good until this morning when i realized i had to leave. itās easy to trust someone when youāre contantly together and donāt have to wonder what theyāre doing. he said we could facetime tonight and iāve been waiting for his call but nothing. not even a text.Ā
iām not ready to let this go but i donāt want to get stuck in another cycle. do i continue to let him lie to me and just pretend that it doesnāt bother me? do i constantly bring it up and give him more of a reason to expect that iāll stay reguardless of his actions? do i leave him and mourn the life we could create together? i donāt know what to do. i donāt know if thereās a way to keep this going without it becoming toxic, and i donāt want that for us.Ā
when we started this it was garunteed to be short term. when we defined our reltionship more seriously we left that topic alone. we only recently started talking about our possible future and itās something that i really want. i just dont know how to get to that from where we are right now.
2087
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