tw: depression/suicide mention
me, trying to open up to my family: most of my friends, myself included, are depressed or have had depression
dad: looks like you need to find some new friends then
i can’t even get into how angry i was but
whatever
these past few months i’ve had multiple instances where i almost reverted to self-harm, which i haven’t done since high school. and i stop myself every time, but i don’t know if that’ll last forever. i don’t want anyone to worry; luckily i don’t think most people following me are active. but just in case, i know things get better, don’t worry. i won’t disappear.
but a recent scary thought i’ve had is,
i have too many reasons to not kill myself. but not enough reasons to not hurt myself.
so i know i’ll be alive. i guarantee i’ll be okay. but i can’t promise myself i won’t revert to bad coping mechanisms. so that worries me. family and work have been stressful, and the physical pain is bad all the time. sometimes i try to find a place to direct my anger. i can’t say this on instagram or anywhere else because i don’t want them to feel bad, but i can’t help being angry at some of my film friends in college for almost never carrying any of the heavy gear and adding to my permanent pain.
but, i almost never asked for help. they don’t know there’s a problem unless i speak up. i tried to be tough and helpful.
i’ve also been agnostic for years but sometimes i bitterly remember an edgy wish i had, probably in early high school -- there’s so much pain and sadness in the world. give it to me, god. i can handle it.
i don’t think i believe in god but if i did, maybe i could attribute all the physical pain and hardships to that. if i knew i was taking it away from other people, that would make everything easier. but it doesn’t work that way. i’m not a hero in some movie that takes on people’s pain. everything in my life is caused by myself. i can’t disassociate from it and pretend it’s for a greater good.
anyways
plenty of things still make me happy. no matter what, i’m at a better place than i was in high school. i don’t hate looking in the mirror most of the time. i know my friends aren’t pretending to like me. i know my family doesn’t hate me. but i still feel useless at times and imposter syndrome strikes hard.
i have things i’m passionate about. but sometimes the tough times just make everything seem dark. i just have to remember things get better and it’s okay to feel out my pain. but i still have to keep moving forward and being better. and find many reasons to not hurt myself. because i’m sure there are many.
take deep breaths.
things will be okay.
sorry if i worried anyone. i’m okay.
