Fuck Me, Fuck You

@kyle-devore

Kyle Devore Make an effort to remember at least that. You'll have to be moaning something later on. Art teacher. Bad Influence.

338 posts

Revelations (Part I) || Kyle & Michael

michael-delaney

Michael waited nervously to see if Kyle would snap at him with some sarcastic retort, but he didn’t, he simply leaned in closer and let Michael hold him. The older male let out a shaky thankful sigh at this. He rubbed Kyle’s back gently in small comforting circles. They had been through so much together and despite what a pain in the ass Kyle could be Michael could never give him up. He was fooling himself with Philip. He swallowed hard as he held the man in his arms. “I know I don’t owe you anything, but I want to do this….I have to do this…” he took Kyle’s face in his hands again “God dammit I love you and it was killing me to watch you put yourself through this, so please…let me help you. Come home to me…come home where you belong okay?” he murmured his fingertips caressing Kyle’s cheekbones. “I’m going to look after you….both of you” he said softly as he leaned in and kissed Kyle’s lips softly again. “But you have to let me…you understand that right?” he murmured resting his forehead on Kyle’s for a moment. “We’ll need to get this little one some things though before we go home” he said softly thinking in his head all the things that would be needed to care for a baby.

He started to make a mental list, clothes, formula, diapers, a crib, blankets, a baby bath, a high chair, a stroller, a car seat. Gosh they really need to go shopping. He shook his head with a small smile. “We need to make a few purchases on the way home I think” he said softly stroking Kyle’s hair now “Oh honey, you look so tired” he murmured, noting the dark circles under Kyle’s eyes. “Why don’t you and Maddox rest for a while? I’m sure he’ll be more than happy sleeping on your chest?” he suggested. “I could pop to the stores and pick up some supplies and when I get back I can take you both home with me?” he suggested then bit his lip a little “But I can stay if you want. I won’t leave if you don’t want me too” he murmured as he kissed Kyle’s temple. “Do you want me to stay, baby?” he asked, looking into Kyle’s eyes.

That was the second time he heard those words from Michael's lips and they didn't shock him any less than the first time around. Although he tried not to show it. It was just... difficult for him to process that someone might direct any sort of affection towards him that went beyond the sexual kind. His parents certainly never cared. Diana... Diana was an amazing friend and companion but she never loved him the way he thought he loved her. She cared about him, that much he could deduce. Still, beyond that he couldn't think of anyone that had felt that way about him. Of course he had only himself to blame for being the asshole he was. That's why it was so fucking surprising that someone, anyone - but especially a man like Michael - might LOVE him. He kissed him back, of course, quite happily. He wasn't sure where to even begin answering Michael's suggestions and questions so he just nodded a little and kissed him and hoped that would be a sufficient answer.

He WAS tired. From this whole morning of adventures, from this emotional turmoil, from being sober, from even thinking about what lay ahead and he had been hit with insomnia lately. Something he would, no doubt, be seeing more of in the foreseeable future. The thought of shopping for the copious amounts of baby things only made him more tired. He wasn't one for shopping anyway, let alone for something he knew nothing about. "Lay with us, for a while at least?" He suggested, holding Maddox with one hand and lightly pulling Michael towards the bed. He let go of him in front of the bed, letting him make his own decision in the end as he climb into the bed, put Maddox in a comfortable position on his chest and then pulled the blanket over him. He glanced over at Michael and smiled softly, tiredly. His eyelids were very heavy and he was quite happy to rest for a while. It was crazy to think Maddox would still be there when he woke up.

#para:Revelations

Revelations (Part I) || Kyle & Michael

michael-delaney

Michael didn’t want the kiss to end was more than a little disappointed when Kyle pulled away, not only from the kiss but completely away from his arms. He watched Kyle pace, Maddox still asleep in his arms. The older male took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel yet another one of his migraines coming on. He’d been having them so much recently. He frowned, closed his eyes for a moment before leaning back against the headboard of the bed, slowly opening his eyes hoping things would be in focus again. He sighed softly as Kyle began to talk about Philip. He wished so desperately that Kyle would not bring him up. Not right now. He didn’t need this. He just…he wanted to help Kyle. No, that wasn’t all….he wanted Kyle. He swallowed hard as he rubbed at his temples. This was too much to deal with right now. He would do anything for Kyle and that baby, god damn anything. “Stop…please…just stop” Michael murmured. “You think I wanted to leave? You think I wanted to let you walk out of my life like that Kyle?” he sighed. “You KNEW how I felt about you…..my…..my feelings haven’t changed. Try as I may to wrap myself around him deep down I know he isn’t you..and it kills me” he murmured hanging his head.

“If I say I’m going to care for you, then I damn well mean it. I am not walking out on you again, not you or Maddox. It’s clear that you can’t survive without me on your own, let alone with a baby” he shook his head. “I’m….I’m not going to leave you again Kyle…I swear” he said standing up now as he walked over to the man. He wrapped his arms around Kyle, pulling him close, careful not to disturb the sleeping baby as he help the younger man in his arms. “I know what you’re like…I’ve put up with you for this long” he mumbled as he buried his head in the crook of Kyle’s neck. He swallowed hard. He didn’t want Kyle to ever leave again. He took a deep breath. God…what was he going to to about Philip. The man had been nothing but perfect but he wasn’t what Michael wanted in his life. He took a long shaky breath. “You’re coming home” he whispered stroking the side of Kyle’s face gently. “You and Maddox are coming back with me….today” he said softly. “I mean it.” he added as he held Kyle closer. “I’m going to make sure you get better, I’m going to give you and Maddox a place to live, I’ll help you provide for him” he said quietly “And I will never EVER leave you again…I swear Kyle”.

Out of pure habit and pride he wanted to snap something about being able to survive without Michael and whatnot but for the love of God, he'd run himself down so much when Michael threw him out that it would only make him seems so damn pathetic if he said that. It just seemed that things had gone so easy for him once he'd gone into Waxler. He got whoever he wanted, where he wanted and when he wanted them. Michael took him in, put up with all of his shit, he even put up with Kyle sleeping with one of his students, for Christ's sake. Everything was a light breeze except for the occasional hiccup or some fight him and Michael would have but otherwise it was all pretty simple for him. Until that threat of losing it all came into his life and then nothing was simple anymore. He was homeless, depressed even. To the point where he broke his promise of sobriety and started using again. So instead of being the usual asshole and snapping at Michael he leaned into his touch. After all, he wouldn't want the man to change his mind upon remembering just how much of a dickhead Kyle could be.

"You don't have to promise me anything, you know. You don't owe me anything. You don't have to do this." He said, glancing down at the sleeping baby in his arms. It was all fucking crazy. A baby, he had a goddamn baby. At this point he was kind of afraid that if he put him own he'd wake up and cry and make noise or a mess and he wouldn't really know how to deal with that at all. He wondered if Michael realized just how utterly useless Kyle was with babies. "I'm glad that you are though." He added after a moment, a little more quietly but in the silence of the place Kyle was sure that Michael would hear him. Home. Home sounded nice. It sounded like a good place to go back to and never have to leave again, if only he could be so lucky.

#para:Revelations

Revelations (Part I) || Kyle & Michael

michael-delaney

Kyle looked so….childlike. So innocent. As he sat there, baby in his arms, his face the portrait of fear and uncertainty. He nodded slowly as Kyle said he would try. That’s all he needed, all he wished for Kyle to do. Before he could ever reply, Kyle’s lips were pressed against his own in a rough and passionate embrace. Michael didn’t object. How could he? He’d said he’d kiss Kyle if he promised to get clean. He couldn’t pull back now. He needed this, god he needed this almost as much as Kyle himself did. Michael leaned in closer, cupping Kyle’s face in his hands. His cheeks were rough with stubble, his lips were dry and cracked. Michael didn’t care though, he was losing himself in the kiss. He wanted to forget everything. He just wanted it to be him and Kyle….and Maddox. He part his lips ever so gently as he pulled Kyle’s face closer to his own. God he had missed him so much. He had forgotten just how sweet Kyle’s kisses tasted on his lips. He’d forgotten the way Kyle made him feel when he kissed him. Like he were young again, young and handsome and desirable. Like he was loved.

He pulled away from the kiss slowly and smiled at the still sleeping baby in the younger males arms. “I missed you so much” Michael whispered as he rest his forehead against Kyle’s again, his hands slowly running down the edges of Kyle’s neck, down to his shoulders, his arms, familiarising himself with all he had forgotten. “I…I don’t want to leave you….I…I won’t leave you” he whispered closing his eyes now and just listening to the sound of Kyle’s breathing. “I’m going to look after you….I’m going to take care of you and Maddox, I swear” he whispered, Philip and his relationship with him so conveniently gone from his mind. “I won’t let anything happen to either of you, I promise Kyle” he said as he kissed the younger males lips again softly.

Kyle never wanted to stop kissing Michael. He wanted to forget reality and all the shit that awaited to be dealt with, but of course he couldn't. He could lose himself for a while with Michael but soon enough he'd have to clip his wings and land on his feet. He erased that from his head for a few moments though, for the few moments he got to kiss Michael. He did take the man for granted. He knew he did. Even now he probably knew somewhere at the back of his head that if he set his mind to it, he'd be able to get Michael for himself anyway, no matter what. He didn't know what it was that was making him feel remorse though. He'd gone such a long time not feeling anything but apathy, not caring one single bit about the hurtful words he might say or careless actions and now? Now it was like the drugs were wearing off. He'd felt that same way immediately after his first rehab. The trick now was retaining that feeling instead of falling into that colorless pit of no emotions. It was so easy to end up there.

He closed his eyes as Michael talked. He had to admit, the thought of raising a kid alone seemed not only petrifying but also damn near impossible. Raising a kid with the comfort of Michael around? Perhaps a tiny bit less scary. His mind did jump to the thought of Philip though, even as Michael kissed him again. What was going to happen now? Was Michael going to go back to Philip and just.. What was his definition of help? Kyle really hoped that it wasn't financial help Michael was speaking of - as much as he needed that. He broke the kiss first, frowning. Slowly he got up off the bed, the baby still in his arms. He was still really wary about holding him. He paced in front of the bed before sighing. "Hate to be an asshole but I have to bring up Mr. British Literature. Think twice before you promise anything, Michael. You know how I am, you know how I get. Even if you stuck around for a while and then decided to go... Maddox would maybe be too small to get that upset about it but I.. don't know if I can ... if I want to have to face you walking away again so please, please. Think about it."

#para:Revelations

Revelations (Part I) || Kyle & Michael

michael-delaney

Michael watched as the baby rest it’s head against Kyle’s chest. That was where Maddox belonged, in his fathers arms. He held his breath for a moment as he waited for Kyle to answer him. He was scared he wouldn’t, couldn’t…but soon enough Kyle confessed where the rest of the drugs were. Michael didn’t say another word until he had disposed of the drugs the way he had the first lot. Once he was sure everything was gone he took to destroying the paraphernalia. He snapped the syringe in two, pressing the needle against the counter top in the bathroom until it broke off and neither part of the syringe was usable. He wrapped them up in tissue then disposed of them along with the spoon. He would not have Kyle do these things any more. Kyle needed to make the right choice. There was no way in hell he was letting Kyle go down the wrong path. When everything was gone he finally allowed himself to let out a long shaky breath and return to the spot on the bed beside Kyle. He knew this was going to be hard, but he had faith in Kyle. Michael was not going to abandon him and the baby. Not when he knew Kyle would have to get through some god awful withdrawals and slowly detox himself. Michael would be there though. He wasn’t leaving Kyle again, he promised himself that.

He looked over at the man and his baby. In that moment everything seemed so peaceful. So serene. Without even really thinking Michael pulled out his phone and snapped a photo silently, he didn’t ever want to forget this moment. It was beautiful. He tucked his phone away then moved closer to Kyle, wrapped his arms around him again and resting his head on the younger males shoulder, looking down at the sleeping baby cradled in Kyle’s strong arms. “You’re going to be okay…I promise” Michael murmured. He sat like that for a moment, Kyle pulled close to his body, the three of them just sitting on the bed. That’s when Kyle spoke again. Michael’s breath caught in his throat. Kyle…Kyle had asked him to kiss him. Michael didn’t know what to do, his mind was telling him no, but his body was telling him yes. He knew he was in a relationship with Philip and he didn’t know if he was ready to throw that all away but….but this was Kyle…and Kyle needed him and…try as he might Michael couldn’t deny the fact that he was hopelessly in love with the younger male. He took a deep breath, nodded slowly then part his lips to speak. “Promise….Promise me you’ll get clean and I’ll kiss you” he whispered, moving his face closer to Kyle until their lips were almost touching.

This was all so hard to wrap his head around. Not even three hours ago his biggest dilemma was whether or not he should leave the hotel and stop the place from charging Michael's card. Now... Now he had another human being on his conscience. Another human being was his responsibility. That was... That was huge. He didn't look up from Maddox as Michael moved around the room, disposing of all things drugs related. He didn't want to look up in case he changed his mind or just, got the temptation to do something stupid. He hadn't a clue about babies. He didn't know what they ate, when they slept, how to wash them or even how to change their damn diapers. If this was going to happen he had a long and winding road ahead of him. He was about 99% sure that he was kidding himself by thinking he could do this but... He could not bring himself to give the child up into the hands of someone who could potentially hurt him or screw his life up. Who knew what kind of a psycho might have adopted him?

He leaned against Michael when the man sat next to him. He missed him. As if that wasn't glaringly obvious. The whole reason he'd started this shit again was because he couldn't cope. He'd have to find a way to cope now. With everything. With Maddox, with Michael and Philip's relationship, with his addiction. His head hurt from thinking about it. He locked his eyes on Michael's as he man moved his face so, so close to Kyle's. He pressed his forehead against Michael's and closed his eyes. "I.. will try, I promise." He didn't wait for Michael's permission then. Swiftly and rather hungrily, he pressed his lips to the older man's and relaxed. How long had it been since he'd last kissed Michael? Way too damn fucking long.

#para:Revelations

Revelations (Part I) || Kyle & Michael

michael-delaney

Michael sighed as he held the baby in one hand, reaching out with the other and running his fingers through Kyle’s sweaty hair. “I was so worried about you” he said softly, frowning a little as Kyle handed him the letter. Michael’s eyes read over it quickly and shook his head “Wow…” he was, for once, utterly speechless. He sat there for a moment, trying to calm the baby before shaking his head. “Your son” he said softly, still trying to wrap his head around it all. He moved closer to Kyle and wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders “It’s okay….I’m here….I won’t let you go through this alone” he whispered pulling Kyle closer to him, his arm tight and protective around the younger male. As Kyle cursed loudly, it upset Maddox making him cry. Michael sighed and comforted the baby, rocking him gently and humming a tune to him softly until he settled again. “Kyle…” Michael said softly, looking into the younger males big blue eyes. “You need to get better” he said quietly. He was sure Kyle was already thinking this. “Here….hold him” he murmured as he passed the baby over to his father. “He needs his daddy right now” Michael explained as he stood up. He brushed himself off then looked around the room. “Where is it?” he asked, not wishing to repeat himself twice.

Before Kyle even answered Michael spotted a small baggy of heroin on the bedside table. Shaking his head he grabbed it quickly, walking into the bathroom and flushing it all. When he came back in to the bedroom he frowned at Kyle. “Any more…be honest with me right now, if you lie to me I will walk out that door and I WON’T be coming back” he said sternly as he waited for Kyle to answer him. He knew destroying Kyle’s stash would not make him sober but at least it would keep him clean while he was in this hotel room. Michael planned to keep a very close eye on Kyle while he was there and had a baby with him. Michael still couldn’t really believe the situation right now but he was sure this baby could only be considered a blessing. If Kyle needed a reason to get clean, well there it was, staring right back up at him with those matching blue eyes. Michael prayed to god that this child would at least change something…that is, if Kyle planned to keep him. He sure as hell was in no state to look after a baby right now but that didn’t matter. Michael would help him, he’d do whatever he could to fix this situation. Michael’s heart was still heavy with guilt feeling that is was his actions and his pathetic need for a partner which had driven Kyle away and towards the drugs in the first place. He sighed heavily “Answer me Kyle…”. He said softly.

Kyle clenched his jaw when Michael said he needed to get better. He knew it. He knew that. If he was even considering keeping the baby, he'd have to get clean. Would he keep Maddox? He sure as fuck didn't want to give him up, God knew where he'd end up. But how could he even provide for him? He had no place to live and with the income of a teacher he could hardly afford a place at all and then expect to have enough money for food, clothes and whatever else babies needed. He looked up, a little panicked when Michael asked him to hold the baby but he took him nevertheless. He was so light and small, Kyle was afraid that even if he squeezed his hand just a little he might crush him. He held the boy close to his chest, afraid to drop him. When Michael posed the question it took Kyle a moment to find his voice but before he could answer the older man caught sight of the bag on his bedside table. As he headed for the bathroom, Kyle felt a tiny weight drop against his chest. Maddox had leant his head against him and Kyle swore his heart stopped.

When Michael walked back into the room he was still looking at the boy in his arms. He heard the question, so clearly addressed to him but he was trying to come to a decision. A fucking huge one at that. Drugs were leading him down one path, slowly but meticulously destroying everything in their path. Michael was.. well, he was in a relationship. And Maddox... Maddox seemed to be asleep in his arms and Kyle couldn't believe the baby trusted so unconditionally. To be held by a stranger and to just allow himself to just.. fall asleep like that. He was a baby, of course, so Kyle doubted he could consciously make decisions about trust and the such but... it was.. nice. "My bag..." He murmured. He glanced down, biting his lip. This was going to be hard, this was going to be fucking hell. He knew all too well the fucking consequences of going cold turkey. Only this time, the stakes were higher. This time he could not allow himself to relapse. A little shamefully, he almost whispered. "Can you kiss me?"

#para:Revelations

Revelations (Part I) || Kyle & Michael

michael-delaney

“Kyle? Kyle….what is it? You need to calm down!” Michael insisted, already hearing the panic in the younger males voice. He could not let him have another panic attack especially when he wasn’t there to comfort him. He bit his lip, he couldn’t tell if Kyle was calling him baby or referring to something else or what but it didn’t matter right now. “Hush, it’s gonna be okay baby” he said quietly. “Take deep breaths okay? In and out, slowly. Count your breathing. I want you to do that for me now” Michael demanded as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants and the closest shirt he could find. “Deep breaths, nice and slowly. Okay? Exhale out of your nose. Keep your eyes open” he informed Kyle as he grabbed his keys and headed out to his car. “Where are you? Still in the hotel?” he asked as he started the engine. “I’m here Kyle, I’m not going anywhere…just keep talking to me. You’re in the hotel right?” he confirmed as he slammed his foot against the gas, speeding as fast as his car would let him in the direction of the hotel. He kept Kyle on the line the whole way there. “I’m coming okay? I’m almost there just give me a few more minutes and I’ll be there” he insisted.

Michael had even surprised himself at just how eager and willing he was to come running to Kyle’s rescue without even knowing the circumstances. For all Michael knew Kyle would owe a dealer money and he could be walking into the trap but he didn’t care. Kyle was scared and he needed him, he needed him right now and nothing and no one was going to get in his way. “I’m here….” he explained as he got in the elevator. Once the doors opened he damn near ran down the corridor until he got to Kyle’s room. “Kyle? Kyle it’s me…It’s Mikey let me in” he said as he knocked on the door. When Michael didn’t get an answer he reluctantly removed the key card from his wallet. He’d kept his own hotel card there in case for some reason or another he needed to get in to the room. When Michael finally got around to opening the door he couldn’t believe his eyes. There was a child…a baby none the less on Kyle’s bed. And Kyle looking like he was about to have a heart attack. He frowned as he walked into the room placing a hand gently on Kyle’s chest, sitting beside him. “Please tell me you didn’t steal him?” Michael asked, eyebrow arched as he instinctively picked up the grumbling baby and help him to his chest. “There there” he said softly rubbing the baby’s back and rocking him ever so gently in his arms. “Kyle…explain this to me?” he said nodding down at the baby he was now holding in his arms, as he glanced down at Kyle who was laying beside him. “Pull yourself together, I’m here now” he muttered.

Kyle opened his eyes as Michael instructed him but that only meant looking at the baby. The baby that was looking over at him, that had eyes the same color as his. He couldn't take care of a damn baby. He couldn't take care of himself. This situation right now was the prime example of that. He tried to focus on Michael's voice instead of Maddox, exhaling and inhaling like he'd been instructed to. He managed to maintain some composure, although he could not stop shaking and for the love of God he could not speak properly and so he remained silent while Michael talked on to him. He only answered the questions he needed to and otherwise remained quiet, not trusting his voice to make a sound. Kyle didn't know how much time had passed or how long it took Michael to get to the hotel. He'd lost track of time. He was lost in a timeless abyss of.. this... this situation. He had a child. A son. Maddox. Maddox Ezra Devore. A human being that was biologically linked to him. He was a father. He had to close his eyes again. He could not deal with this, goddamnit.

The next time Kyle opened his eyes was when Michael walked into the room. He watched, helplessly, as Michael picked up Maddox and rocked him. He wasn't going to be jealous of a baby. Why did Michael seem mad? Why was he accusing him of the worst straight away? He probably deserved it but it... it still wasn't the greatest feeling. Still stunned, he crawled to the end of the bed and picked up the letter from the floor, holding it out to Michael. He glanced up, his eyes falling on Michael's. How had things gotten so messed up? Michael was supposed to be in school right now, KYLE was supposed to be CLEAN and in school right now, Maddox... was NOT supposed to be here right now. "He's..my son.." He murmured, sitting back on the bed again and pulling his knees up, his arms wrapping around them. He rest his head on his knees and closed his eyes. "Fuck!" He snapped, running a hand through his hair. He was so not fucking ready to face this.

#para:Revelations

Revelations (Part I) || Kyle & Michael

michael-delaney

Michael couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard from Kyle. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to get in contact with him. He’d send him 67 texts, called him 32 times and left him 18 voice-mail’s and still no word from him. It took all of Michael’s strength on a daily basis to not go visit Kyle in the hotel room. He didn’t visit for one of three reasons, one, he was worried Kyle would have checked out and not even be there, two he was scared he might find Kyle’s dead body with a needle in his arm and three he didn’t trust himself around the man, he didn’t trust himself to stay faithful to Philip if he were to spend any extended period of time with Kyle. So he made do with trying to contact him. He did this every single day, much to Philip’s annoyance. Eventually he had taken to doing this is secret, lying about who he was texting, making calls in the privacy of the bathroom in a hushed tone. He just needed to know Kyle was alive. Needed to know he was still breathing.

Michael pinched the bridge of his nose as he lay in bed with Philip. It wasn’t that Philip lived with him, or that they had moved in together, it was simply that Michael…well he enjoyed the company and he couldn’t stand living in the empty house. It was not the same without Kyle’s presence. Philip sighed a little heavily, closed his book and pushed his reading glasses up on to his forehead. “Another migraine, Darling?” Philip asked, in his oh so proper British accent. Michael shook his head although he knew the younger male could he was lying. “You do worry yourself so, over this…Kyle person” Philip said in a tone which was more than a little condescending. Michael swallowed hard rubbed his eyes now and looked over at Philip with a frown “Never you mind what I god damn worry about” he grunted. His head was killing him and Philip’s input right now was doing nothing to help the matter. “I was simply suggesting that perhaps your time could be better spend?” Philip said curtly as he placed the book and his glasses down on the bedside table. “Maybe you could do to get some sleep, hrmm?” He said reaching over, rubbing Michael’s shoulder gently. The older man sighed heavily. Maybe Philip was right, he WAS worrying himself sick over Kyle but he couldn’t help it. Kyle had been such a huge part of his life for so many years now and knowing the state he had gotten himself into, getting mixed up in drugs again…Michael couldn’t help but fear the worst. He nodded when Philip suggest they sleep and reached over and turned off the lamp. He snuggled down under the sheet and wrapped his arms around Philip pulling him close to his chest. He kissed the back of his neck gently and smiled “Can I ask you something?” he said softly. “Of course” Philip replied. Michael bit his lip for a moment then spoke “Do you want kids?”. There was an awkward silence. He could feel Philip stiffen a little when he posed the question and the fact that he didn’t answer right away meant he was trying to word his answer diplomatically. “Sweetheart? Don’t you think we’re a little old for children? I mean, you’re almost 50….you’d be in your 60’s by the time the child was a teenager?” he said. “Never mind…it was a stupid question anyway…I’m closer to being the age of a grandfather not a father” Michael tried to joke, though the reply he got from Philip still stung. “You could always get a dog if you need unconditional love and affection, I guess I would not be opposed to that idea?” Philip suggested. Michael tried to force a laugh but it came out a little broken. “Good night” he muttered, closing his eyes and trying desperately to imagine it were someone else in his arms.

The next morning Michael woke up feeling empty. He dreams had been plagued with images he just wanted to forget. Kyle’s lifeless body laying on the bed in the hotel, Isaiah being only inches away from Michael’s fingertips then fading into nothingness like a ghost. Children running and playing in fields, surrounded by their loving parents but not one of them were his own. Michael always claimed to be an island. A man who needed no one, who was happiest on his own but this was in fact a lie. Michael had always wanted something solid to hold on to. A family. He had had such a dysfunctional childhood and always felt he was forced to grow up before his years, it had always been a dream of his to have his own child, to be able to give it the life he’d never had. A life of love and luxury. But this dream had been fading for a while. Michael grew older, he found himself alone, even the string of one night stands he used to have no longer kept him satisfied. He wanted, no…he NEEDED more and he had still yet to find someone who could provide him with what he wanted. He’d hoped beyond hope that maybe Philip would be ‘the one’. Be the man who would make his dreams come true but of course, he was too good to be true. He cared very deeply for the man and he was nothing if not a gentleman but Michael was unsure if he could ever love him. If he could imagine spending the rest of his life with him. The bed had been empty when Michael awoke. He checked the clock and saw it was gone 11. Of course Philip had left for work and Michael should have as well but he’d obviously over slept. Ah well, one of the joys of being the Principal of the school was coming and going when you pleased. He’d just make up some excuse about being out to a meeting if anyone questioned his whereabouts, which he knew they wouldn’t as Michael Delaney was NOT the type of man one questioned.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes as he got out of bed and began to look through the wardrobe for something to wear when he heard his phone start to ring. He frowned, hoping it wasn’t someone from the school questioning his lateness. He walked over to the bedside table and picked it up. He frowned when he saw the name on the screen. It was Kyle. Kyle was calling him! He was alive and calling him….unless…god no…what if he was dead and the police had found his phone and were contacting Michael and….he answered the phone as fast as he could holding it to his ear with both hands “KYLE?!” he said desperately and let out a huge sigh of relief when he heard the younger male speak on the other end of the line. “Oh thank god, I thought you were dead. I thought something terrible had happened to you, I thought….Jesus Christ I swear one of these days you’re going to give me a heart attack!” he muttered as he sat down on the bed and listened to Kyle talk. His voice was shaky, but he didn’t sound high, he sounded…nervous. Scared even. Michael frowned, it wasn’t often Kyle referred to him as ‘Mikey’. Michael swallowed hard as he pressed the phone harder still to his ear, wishing he could crawl through it and into Kyle’s arms. “What’s wrong baby?” He said softly, closing his eyes letting the sound of Kyle’s voice wash over him. “What’s happened? Are you okay?”.

Kyle clutched onto the phone as one would onto a life buoy. There was a goddamn fucking baby, HIS baby, lying in front of him and he was alone and he had absolutely no goddamn fucking experience with babies. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes and listened to Michael, although he was finding it hard what with his heart beating so hard he could feel it in his throat. He felt like passing out. Maybe, just maybe, if he sat there long enough and kept his eyes closed for long enough, this would all just disappear. And he'd wake up in bed, next to Michael only to find that the whole Philip ordeal had never happened. At least then he wouldn't have to deal with all the new track marks and Michael and school and the baby. Oh, fuck, the baby. "Mikey..." He muttered out again, pained. He did not want another panic attack. Now was possibly the least appropriate time for it. He could not lose control of himself, not with the baby here and Michael not here at all. "I.. There is..."

He kept getting choked up on his words. The previous night he'd passed out high so he had another few hours before any serious withdrawal symptoms occurred but he was already getting cold flashes. Or maybe it was just his panicking that he was mistaking for withdrawals. He could hardly inject heroin into himself with a baby, his son, there. "Baby.. There... Please, come. Please. Mikey." He practically sobbed down the phone and reached over to grab onto the headboard, try and stop his hand from shaking so much. He needed to calm himself down. Diana wasn't there to do it, Michael wasn't there to do it, he would have to do it himself or God fucking knows what would happen. He felt like he could goddamn fucking suffocate any moment. The last thing he fucking needed was to have his kid's first memory be lying in bed with his dead father.

#para:Revelations

Revelations (Part I) || SELF PARA

It was one of the few moments Kyle was sober. He was still in the goddamn penthouse Michael put him in but he was in the process of packing.. again. He'd changed his mind about fifty thousand times in the duration of the last day and a half. He wanted to pack up and check out, stop Michael from wasting money on a last cause. On the other hand he wanted to cling onto this hope that Michael cared, but what the hell did it matter if it wasn't the kind of care he wanted anyway? What the hell did it matter if he wasn't planning on acting on it? What the hell did it matter now that Michael had Philip? So he fluctuated, with one foot inside and the other out the door. He knew what he SHOULD do. He knew what the RIGHT thing to do would be in the perfect world. In any damn utopia, he'd leave and let Michael build some sort of a normal life now he had that chance but Kyle wasn't that selfless. Or that mature.

He zipped his bag and dropped it on the floor, sitting down on the bed and hiding his face in his hands. Why was it so hard for him to walk away? Perhaps because this time he didn't have Michael to shout at him to do it. Perhaps because this was the first time he was sober in weeks and he could feel the toll the drugs were taking on him. Maybe he was scared of feeling that cold, that deathly, deathly cold again. He was no fool, he knew where he was heading if he continued down this path. He wasn't sure if he was ready to go out like that yet. He knew there would be no Diana Andersons on the other end, giving him another chance at life. You didn't get third chances. He was lucky to have gotten a second one.

There was a knock at the door. He glanced up. Who could it be? It was too late for room service. And Michael would probably still be in school (even if he wasn't, what business did he have coming here?). With a frown, he got up and slowly made his way over.

"Wha-..." He swung the door open only to face... no one. The corridor was empty. He leaned out and looked right and left. No one, just the bing of the elevator. Annoyed he leaned back and was about to shut the door - loudly, to underline his point of being irritated - when he heard a tiny, quiet hiccup. He looked down slowly and his eyes locked on a small bundle, made up of blankets, a hat, a baby and some papers lying on top.

"Hey! Who the fuck left Harry Potter at my doorstep? Do I look like fucking Aunt Petunia?!" He hollered down the hall, already feeling panic rising within his chest. What THE FUCK?! He crouched down and picked up the letters, careful not to touch the baby - as if it might burn him or cause some other physical, serious harm. He turned the letter over, there was no name of the sender. Just his name, clear as day, Kyle Devore, on the front. When he looked up there was an older woman passing, she glanced up from the baby and looked directly at him. "What the fuck are you staring at?" He barked, shoving the letter into his pocket and reaching down for the baby.

He put on a mean face but he had no fucking clue how to handle a baby. He was supposed to support its head, right? It looked like it might fucking roll off if he didn't. He kicked the door closed... and the baby opened its eyes and suddenly looked very upset. "Shit, shit..." He muttered, rocking the baby awkwardly and almost running over to the bed. "Don't cry, don't cry, stop that." He spoke to the baby as if it could understand him. The boy started making little sounds of displeasure but was not fully crying. Kyle could handle that. He put the child on his huge king-sized bed, right in the middle because what if he rolled over, fell and died?! If someone was playing a practical joke on him he was going to fucking kill them.

He sat down on the end of the bed again, fishing out the letters and tearing it apart. He didn't need to live in this fucking suspense. The sooner he found out what the fuck this was, the sooner he could find a goddamn fucking solution. The child let out a sob. "Be quiet." Kyle retorted and unfolded the letter. There was a bunch of other things in there but this piece of paper had actual handwriting on it. It seemed to be the first thing he should read.

"Kyle,

I won't say 'Dear' because you were never one for terms of endearment and I don't think the situation calls for it. Far from it.

I know what you're thinking. No, no, I do know. Who the fuck, why the fuck and what the fuck? Unless you've magically changed over the last year or so. Highly doubtful but, I guess, possible.

Anyway, enough with the bullshit..."

"Yeah, cut the fucking crap. What the fuck..." He muttered, reading on.

"That little slobbering, crying mess is your son, Maddox Ezra Devore."

Kyle froze, unable to read on for a long, long moment. He whirled around, his eyes locking on the baby that now lay on its side. HIS? SON? A what? He glanced back down at the letter, willing it to give him all the damn answers he was searching for in that moment.

"He's five months old but I know you're not fond of maths so let me save you the trouble. If you haven't figured it out, this is Leila writing. You know, the Geography teacher you screwed twice? Yeah so I was not planning on telling you about Maddox seeing as there is probably nothing you're less interested in than taking care of a baby. I didn't care about money either, I had enough to provide for both of us.

But the time has come, my dearest Kyle, to know the truth and do with it what you desire. I do hope you will do the right thing though. Tragically, I will be unable to continue taking care of Maddox and you are the only living biological relative. What better place for a child to be than with its father, huh? Whoever thought of that has definitely never met you."

"Hey, fuck you. Judgmental bitch." He snapped, annoyed. Who the fuck was she to fucking judge him? Just because she was right didn't give her the right to judge.

"All his documents are there. Kyle, I'm sorry for putting you in this situation. If I didn't have to I wouldn't be doing this. If you are certain you cannot take care of a child, please make sure he ends up someplace nice with good people who WILL provide for him and love him. That's all I ask of you. Just make sure he's okay. I didn't have enough time for a plan B so I'm trusting you, as insane as that is. Please, when you're making a decision, consider the fact that he is your son too.

Yours sincerely,

Leila Adams."

Kyle sat there for a long, long, long time. Eventually he dropped all of the papers and the letter to the ground and climbed further onto the bed. He sat, cross legged, a good distance away from Maddox and observed him. Like a damn hawk, not taking his eyes off for even a second.

With shaky hands, he dialed Michael's number.

What the fuck was he going to fucking do?! He was a fucking heroine addict, struggling to take care of himself, let alone another goddamn fucking human being. He got Michael's voicemail. His voice shook as he left a message.

"M-Mikey... I... I really fucking need your help."

#para:Revelations

Kyle and Maddox Ezra Devore

#KDevore #MDevore

mickoviches-blog

michael-delaney

Treading A Thin Line || Michael & Kyle

michael-delaney

Michael let out a long sigh. He was at his wits end right now. How had everything got so fucked up? He couldn’t remember a time where he hadn’t had some kind of conflict in his life. Despite his rose-tinted memories, his relationship with Isaiah was far from perfect. Izzy had been his student and the majority of the time they had been together, their relationship was a secret. Even when Isaiah had come back to him at Waxler, it was always behind closed doors what with him being his employer. Not to say the same didn’t happen with Kyle, yes Michael was Kyles employer and still was but they had never had a ‘relationship’ as such. They fucked, yes. Michael had strong strong feelings for the younger male. Did he love him? Of course he did, but could he wait around for the rest of his life until Kyle finally decided he might feel something back? No. He couldn’t. Michael was almost 50 now and he couldn’t pathetically wish his remaining years away praying that one day Kyle may love him.

He shook his head as if trying to shake out the thoughts he didn’t want. Philip was 40, a mere 8 years between them was nothing. He wanted to settle down also, wanted commitment. If Michael even wanted children he needed to think about these things fast. He was running out of time. He didn’t want to die a lonely old queen. He swallowed hard, trying desperately to convince himself he was happy with Philip and no longer needed a flight risk like Kyle in his life. However every time he caught Kyle’s gaze his heart hurt in his chest. “I don’t trust you to get home” Michael muttered as they reached the doors together “I’m driving you home no if and’s or but’s!” he insisted as they walked over to his car. Michael waiting until Kyle got in then started the engine. He left the school building and drove towards the city assuming Kyle had an apartment there. “Where are you staying?” Michael asked as he glanced at Kyle, swallowing hard as he felt anger, sadness and regret pull sharply at his vocal cords.

Kyle rolled his eyes as Michael worded his distrust of Kyle's ability to get back home on his own. Why, the man was most certainly choosing the wise thing to do but it didn't mean Kyle WANTED him to do the right and wise thing. Why couldn't he just goddamn let him go? Let him be? He was the one who threw him out, wasn't he? The one who got himself a stupid boyfriend. If Kyle wasn't high 99% of the time he'd be making Philip's life a living hell. He wouldn't care how much of a hormonal teenage girl move it would be, he'd totally make him pay for fucking up Kyle's life. He'd turn everyone in the staff room against Philip. But he could hardly do that when he was high. While under the influence he found it hard to attach any strong negative - or positive - feelings to anything and therefore his plan never got anywhere.

He followed Michael to his car, deciding to just let the old man be. Let him drive him 'home'. If it helped Michael's conscience then whatever the fuck. Kyle hardly cared. He was on the brink of losing his job and he had no doubt that the termination of his employment was an inevitable future. He just wasn't sure how long it would take Michael to learn to resent him enough to fire him. Perhaps it was better that way. Maybe it was better that Michael would learn to resent him. Then he wouldn't have to sit there and think what if because he'd know that the last thing he man wants is to spend time with him. Yeah. And if Michael resented him then perhaps he could go and even have some sort of a decent life. Who the fuck was Kyle kidding? He wasn't mature enough to wish happiness for Michael. Yes, he wanted Michael to be happy but he wanted Michael to be goddamn happy with him. "Nearest motel will be just dandy. You know the one two streets down. Chop, chop, I don't have all day."

michael-delaney

Treading A Thin Line || Michael & Kyle

michael-delaney

Micheal didn’t know what to do right now. He was dealing with so many mixed emotions at once. He was angry and hurt and concerned and he didn’t know what he could say to make Kyle see since. He knew deep down there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could say to get through to the mind of a drug addict. He shook his head sadly and stood up loosening the tie around his neck a little. He was unaware of the moment in which the material had started to feel less like a tie and a whole lot more like a noose. He took a step back leaning against his desk now and looking down at Kyle. “I’m taking you home”. He said bluntly picking his car keys up off of the desk. “Now!” he said sternly as he stood, pointing to the door.

He was no longer in the mood to deal with Kyle’s condescending attitude. Even when high Kyle was able to be the most obnoxious person in the room, and that took a lot when you were in the same room as Michael Delaney. “I’m not going to fire you” he said through grit teeth as he held the door of his office open. “I don’t care what you think, I still care about you Kyle and I refuse to let you throw your life away like this” He said as he shook his head. He gripped Kyle by the arm, only gently, and steered him out of the doors and into the hallways. He was going to take Kyle home…where ever that may be now.

It had been about a month since Michael had thrown him out. How many times had Michael had sex with Philip in that time? And how many of these occurrences happen in his bed? His mind was mauling over that but the drugs held back any strong feelings he might associate with those thoughts. He missed Michael at the best of times. When sober he spent his time being angry, bitter and wishing he was high. It was pathetic really, how utterly dependent he'd grown on someone. He'd managed years on his own, staying sober and fucking pretty boys and girl and then he had to go and get attached to a man 17 years his senior? How fucked up was that? He let Michael speak to him in whatever tone he felt like speaking. He didn't particularly care, it didn't affect his feelings either way.

Lazily, if not reluctantly, he got up off the chair once Michael announced he was taking him home. Where was home? There was no home. The stupid, hopeful little voice in Kyle's head whispered that perhaps Michael meant his home but Kyle was quick to shoot it down. It was pathetic, embarrassing really. What would he say? What address would he give? He'd have to come up with SOMETHING. He let Michael steer him out of the room, not particularly paying him much attention. He glanced down, his eyes momentarily locking on Michael's hand, swaying by his side as he walked. He swallowed down the urge to reach out for it. What a fool he was being. "I can find home myself, thanks." He worded finally, as they reached the exit of the school building.

michael-delaney

Treading A Thin Line || Michael & Kyle

michael-delaney

Michael couldn’t deal with this. He couldn’t make Kyle homeless then make the man jobless. Not after Kyle had traveled all the way across the country just to be with him again. He felt he owe something to Kyle. He wasn’t sure what but he felt like he had a duty to protect the man. Michael couldn’t stand this. He swallowed hard, shook his head and got up from his seat. He walked over to Kyle and crouched down in front of him taking his hands in his own. “I’m not going to fire you…don’t make me” he murmured, a slight hint of pleading in his voice.

He looked up at Kyle’s big brown eyes and took a shaky breath. “I’m talking to you as your friend right now…not your boss….please PLEASE get some help Kyle….you are sick” he whispered as he bit his lip, furrowing his brow “You’re going to end up killing yourself if you don’t stop this. Trust me. I know very well” he sighed as he squeezed Kyle’s hands tightly in his own “Can you just tell me….why? In all the time I’ve known you you’ve never even touched a drink, how could you go so far off the reservation? How could you do this to yourself?” he murmured.

Sometimes apathy was frustrating. He couldn't conjure any strong feelings about Michael refusing to fire him. He wanted to be fired. He specifically said so, why was the man denying him that? Why did he have to go and be so difficult? He sighed and sat up in his chair a little as Michael got up. He felt a little self conscious about being close to the man. They hadn't been close to each other in about a month. He watched as Michael crouched down in front of him and took his hands. What did he expect from Kyle? As Michael mentioned the word friend, for some reason Kyle felt a tinge bit of annoyed. Fuck Michael and his friendly advice. That was not his area anymore.

He kept his eyes locked on Michael but they didn't change, his expression didn't change, nothing, blank. It was true. He hadn't touched a drink in 3 years, 11 months and 21 days. He was so indifferent to Michael's words he didn't even know what to tell him. "Don't bother, dude. Chill out, go fuck someone, I don't know. Kind of sad to say but not really your business why or whatever. Doesn't matter either way you see." He put his hand on Michael's head and patted it. "Come on Mikey. Be a big boy. Fire me."

michael-delaney

Treading A Thin Line || Michael & Kyle

michael-delaney

Micheal wasn’t really sure what to expect when Kyle came into his office. He knew the man had been accused of being high. Michael hoped that this accusation was false and if by some god awful luck it were true that Kyle had simply been smoking a little weed. Something Michael still wouldn’t tolerate but could easily send Kyle away with a light suspension and call him back to work after a few weeks. However, sadly this was not the case. As soon as Kyle entered the office and slumped into the chair opposite him Michael knew what was going on. It felt like there was a hand tightening around his throat. He wanted to gasp out, to scream but he could do nothing. He could spot the dope fiend look in Kyles eyes a mile off. It was the same glassy vacant expression he’d seen in his fathers eyes more times than he cared to remember.

"You’re high" Michael stated, willing his voice so very hard not to crack. "You are high right now aren’t you?" he said again as he sat there waiting for Kyle to answer him. He licked his lips slowly, they suddenly felt incredibly dry. He inhaled slowly and tried his best to focus on anything other in the office than on Kyles damn near lifeless eyes. "I don’t want you to speak. I just want you to listen" he stated in a very matter of fact way. "If you are…as I suspect, under the influence of illicit drugs while teaching in my school I will have no other option than to fire you. I want you to go home right now, I will send someone to cover your class. This is your one warning. You come into school again high and I will be forced to terminate your employment here."

A threat of getting fired didn't phase him. It really didn't. He was looking at Michael and he knew all those things he felt when he was sober but... It just didn't register. He was breathing very slowly, finding it weirdly hard to focus on sentences but he was managing. He couldn't say this came as a surprise. He'd actually kind of judge the school if they DIDN'T do anything upon seeing a teacher come in high time and time again. He kind of felt a weird sense of pride for the people that reported him. There were some people out there doing their jobs right. Good stuff.

"Fire me." He drawled, but tried his best to make it a command. At this point, he'd genuinely prefer getting fired than getting a threat. The only reason he was still together in the slightest were his kids. He loved teaching art and coming in everyday and helping them out was the only thing keeping him from falling down the bottomless pit. Without that he could just let himself succumb to the nothing. It'd be great, not responsibilities, just like old times. "Please, Mikey. Fire me."

michael-delaney

Treading A Thin Line || Michael & Kyle

It had been a little under three weeks since Kyle had left him. Well….left him wasn’t exactly the correct terms. More like since Michael had thrown Kyle out of his house. Michael had had enough of Kyle’s behavior. He had tried and tried and TRIED to give him the benefit of the doubt but no, as per usual Kyle over stepped the line time and time again. Michael was with Philip now. The two men had been dating for about a month now. Things were going great between the two of them. Michael was happy, so happy. But still at the back of his mind there was a small voice niggling away, questioning him about Kyle. What had happened to him? Was he okay? Michael tried his very best to shut the voice out but he could never really silence it completely. Even when in Philips loving embrace the voice wouldn’t stop. Some how Michael felt that Kyle was his responsibility. There had been complaints about Kyle. More so than usual. These weren’t the typical Kyle using foul language in class or Kyle offending his students and other members of staff complaints. These were serious allegations. Members of the facility had claimed that Kyle was coming into school and teaching his class high. Now Michael had a zero tolerance policy when it came to drug use in his school be that from staff or students. He needed to address the issue and fast. He had called Kyle in to his office for a meeting. This would be the first time they had talked since Michael had told him to leave. It wasn’t like Michael had been avoiding talking to Kyle, no quite contraire. It was Kyle who was avoiding Michael’s phone calls and text messages. Michael sat behind his desk rubbing his temples as Kyle entered his office. “Mr. Devore…have a seat” He said coldly.

Michael had called him into the principal's office. He wasn't particularly moved. He hadn't picked up any of the man's phone calls, only because it just so happened that Michael called when he was high. And when Kyle was high he didn't give enough fucks to press the green button on his phone. Now, he knew he was at the edge of a very, very, VERY steep slope and each time he got high, he was just making it worse for himself but he just could NOT STOP. There was a reason why counting days was so important. Every clean day was a victory. Lately Kyle had only been having failures. He had no stable place to live and no intention of finding one. He had no idea what to think of his life. It was so utterly pointless and ... lifeless.

He walked into Mr. Delaney's office and ignored the man's cold tone. He was high, of course. The blissful apathy covered him like a layer of pillows, stopping any sort of emotion from reaching him. It was absolutely wonderful. At that moment, he didn't care what happened. He was aware that people were talking, some - if not all - had probably ratted him out to Michael. It was sad, he almost wished to have his old life in Louisiana back. Back there, there were no worries about what people thought. And no consequences. He sat down and leaned back, getting comfortable. He'd seen Michael and Philip around and every time he wanted to vomit. That wasn't even an exaggeration. He wanted to physically and actually vomit. "I'd say it's a pleasure to see you but I like to think myself an honest man."

3 Years, 11 Months, 21 Days || SELF PARA

The pub was packed, the chatter louder than the country music that played over the radio. Kyle had chosen this club because he'd figured no one would know him there. He had no place to go and no motivation to figure his shit out. His worst fear had come through. He'd never prepared for it happening because he thought that by doing so, he'd make it seem more real and possible so here he was now. Stuck. Slowly spiraling downwards with terrifying speed. The bartender slid the shot of vodka across the bar into Kyle's waiting hand. He had to move it away, it trembled. He didn't want to spill the liquid. The bartender didn't know. He had no idea, no clue that for Kyle, it's been 3 years, 11 months and 21 days since he'd had a drink.

He licked his lips and stared down at the glass. He was holding onto the bar with both hands, his knuckles white. He must have looked like a crazy person, contemplating a shot of vodka. Did he dare break this? Did he dare break his promise to Diana? She was dead, she couldn't scold him anywhere. And the image of her disappointed gaze would only appear in his mind - not that it made it any easier to bare but it was something. Michael's face came into view, right at the forefront of his mind and suddenly, he knew very well why he was reaching for alcohol. It happened. Michael found someone better than him. It was bound to happen, Kyle kind of hoped he wouldn't have been around to see it though.

With surprising confidence he grabbed the shot and downed it in one go, at once throwing all these years of sobriety down the drain. The liquid burned its way all the way down to his stomach and although it fired up his insides, he felt icy cold. He put the glass down on the bar loudly and closed his eyes. God, alcohol. He could still taste it on his tongue, the taste was so fucking familiar and divine. Liquid luck, liquid love, liquid oblivion. He relaxed and when the bartender asked if he wanted a refill, he nodded. Once the guy put a full glass in front of him again, he took out his wallet. Inside were two photos, one hid behind the other. When you looked in, you could see a beautiful blonde woman staring back with a confident gaze but a smile on her face. If you didn't look close enough you could easily miss the other photo, carelessly shoved behind the first one. Kyle took both out and put the second one under the shot of vodka.

He tested how the photo feels against his fingertips. It felt nothing like Diana's skin. It wasn't soft or warm, it didn't bring any comfort or love. It felt like... guilt. It felt like bile building up in throat. Her smile was no longer real. Her smile would now, until forever, remain a lie. He'd broken his promise to her and he knew exactly how she'd feel about that. Slowly and with an aching conscience he ripped the photo in half, and then again, and again until there were so many pieces, he wouldn't be able to put her smile back together again. His first shot still weighed on him, he could feel it eating away at his insides. He hadn't enough to feel good, he needed more to forget, to be free again, to not remember his broken promises and shortcomings.

He lifted the second shot, his eyes catching the photo he'd stuck underneath it. Michael. Utterly frustrated he downed his second shot, almost shattering the glass when he put it back down. He picked the photo up and carefully cast his eyes over the all-too-familiar face. He couldn't. He couldn't even look at him. Determinedly he ripped that photo up too, all the little pieces mixing together. A failure. Kyle had no idea how to begin dealing with this. He was homeless, although that didn't seem to be the predominant thought on his mind. Michael no longer needed him. To hell with that, Michael no longer even WANTED him. He wasn't drunk enough, not drunk enough. Frantically he asked for a refill, downing it almost immediately like a diabetic kid eating a doughnut. Like a starving man finally having a meal. Like that man who tried to quit smoking by going cold turkey and now finally allowing himself the sweet release of a cigarette. He continued like this, demanding refills and instantly chucking the liquid down his throat. The burn was constant now and his vision slightly blurry. He could also feel the force of gravity gradually becoming inversely proportional to his coordination.

He could still see him. And her. And him. And he was still talking in his head.

Before Kyle realized that he'd finished with the bar, he found himself outside. It was pouring rain and Kyle had only a hoodie on his person, plus the backpack he'd shoved his things into. On his palm he had an address, he knew it. Some dude at the bar had written it there, Kyle had a little difficulty figuring out why. Nevertheless he stumbled to the place, managed to stay upright somehow. Soaked and very far from sober he found himself in front of a club. It was one of the less 'fancy' neighborhoods. He knew what to look for. He had enough experience in this area. That was like riding a bike, you could hardly ever forget how to do it.

He caught eye of the right guy - or so he hoped - and walked his way. A little transfer between hands and he was set. He shoved his purchased goods into the pocket of his jeans and was out. The club felt so stuffy he could have thrown up. He needed to get to the park. Bushes would be good shelter. He could crash there, he could get that needle out and... Diana flashed in his mind and he felt a sharp pain hit him but only momentarily. He hissed, stumbling back. The wall behind him prevented the fall. He stood there for a longer moment, trying to remember how to breathe. He kept getting choked up on his breath, on his saliva. Why was this so goddamn hard? He pressed his palms against the wall and tilted his chin up, the cold drops of rain hitting his face.

Michael. Why did it hurt so bad? Why did it feel like betrayal? They hadn't been together, he didn't have ownership of Michael. It was ought to happen, Michael was ought to find someone. Kyle had just hoped... Hoped what? That Michael would somehow show him that the last three years of him struggling with sobriety were worth it? That his absolute incapability of dealing with the real world was in dire need of fixing? Perhaps he hoped that Michael would change the fact that counting the days of his sobriety felt more like celebrating the anniversary of his death. Sobriety wasn't resurrection, relapse felt more like it. Sobriety was suicide, sobriety was clinical death. And Michael... Michael was goddamn supposed to love him.

He winced. He'd pushed his palm against the wall, wanting to get away from the wall but he hadn't noticed the nail, only half stuck in the wood. He pulled his hand away, frantically wiping the blood on his shirt over and over again as it just kept coming. He dropped his bag and a after a lot of fumbling and stumbling and falling about he fished out a shirt. Inexpertly and very clumsily he wrapped it around his hand and set off for the park. He could feel his arms ache and itch and it was so frustrating. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, he could not get there fast enough. He was breathing hard by the time he got to the place. He walked along one of the alleyways looking for a bush big enough to shelter him. He could not get Michael out of his head. He could not get the image of Michael having sex with Philip out of his goddamn head.

He found shelter finally. It was nowhere near as cozy or luxurious as Michael's home - or Michael's bed - but it would have to do. Kyle dropped his bag there and then slid down onto the wet grass himself. At least there the rain was slowly subsiding. He dug out the drugs he'd purchased and took no time preparing them, the syringe felt like a long lost extension of his arm. He remember perfectly just what to do. His heart was beating really, really fast and he couldn't tell if it was the anticipation or the guilty conscience he was trying to forget he had. Finally he unwrapped the bloody shirt from his hand and wrapped it around his arm instead, holding it in place with his teeth as he put the needle to his skin. There was no mental block there, nothing holding him back from pushing the needle and piercing those layer of skin and tissue between air and his veins. Less than a minute later, he slid the needle out and let it drop beside him. He released the bloody material from his teeth and let it fall into his lap. Fuck.

He dug out a hoodie from his bag and threw it over himself before laying down on his back and closing his eyes. He imagined he could feel exactly he path the heroin was taking as it traveled through his bloodstream. He imagined he could feel it warming him, cell by cell, inch by inch, slowly reaching the destination of his brain. He smiled. Oh, if he could only draw this feeling. This sweet, blissful apathy. No longer did it hurt to think about Diana's disappointed gaze or her sweet, unknowing smile. No longer did his body ache at the thought of Michael loving someone else. It all just faded. He was drifting and nothing could get him. Not the small drops of rain falling on his face, no the wet grass slowly soaking his clothes, not the heartache. Nothing could get him.

Nothing at all.

[Michael's Living Room.]

michael-delaney

I don’t know. Maybe? I’ve gotta have faith that SOMEONE will…

Yeah, okay, just please don't come crying to me.

#Michael Delaney

Fuck Me, Fuck You @kyle-devore - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag