Stop searching for meaning. Start creating it. (Osamu Dazai and the beauty of self-creation)
We’re all searching for meaning in life; there’s no doubt about that. Whether we’re trying to run from a “despair inherent to life itself” or yearning for a “bright world”, we’re all desperate for a shred of meaning. What if I told you that there’s no point in your search? That “[you] can’t find anything in the end.” Well, that’s exactly what the masterfully crafted character of Osamu Dazai is imploring you to understand.
It’s clear from the beginning that Dazai experiences a profound, existential boredom. He joins the Port Mafia at age 14, thinking that he’ll find his reason to live. And yet, all he does is “force himself into an even darker place.”
Thus, he loses sight of his goal. He starts killing for killing’s sake, pretending he never believed in meaning in the first place, and openly abusing Akutagawa. His nihilism is displayed in a striking manner when he’s confronted with an enemy. He walks up to the enemy and encourages him to shoot him, suggesting with a peaceful smile that he’d like to wake from this “oxidizing world of a dream.” But beneath his extravagantly nihilistic facade, it’s clear that some part of him, deep inside, still yearns for meaning. It’s why he holds so tightly to Oda’s friendship, why he laments that “everything worth having is lost the moment [he] obtains it.”
“Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity.” It seems that Dazai is doomed forever, and that he will never experience happiness or meaning. Except, maybe not. Despite all odds, he chooses to “be on the side that saves people.” And for the first time, he finds a little bit of fulfillment. His cheerful front isn’t just a mask (this isn’t to say that he’s suddenly overcome his depression and loneliness, only that he now chooses a brighter life despite it). And it’s not because he suddenly, fortuitously finds meaning; in fact, he doesn’t – “nothing beyond [his] own expectations” happens. He simply chooses what his meaning is, and that he wants to go after it. For the first time, Dazai doesn’t wait for life to come knocking on his front door. He stands up, gets out that door, and chases after it himself.
In the end, meaning is simply what we define it to be. And Dazai begins to realize that as long as he relies on external circumstance for meaning, he will never find it. Because meaning isn’t found. It’s created. And once Dazai realizes that, he’s taking the first step down a long, arduous, and fiercely rewarding path. So, to you, the reader: what will you do? Will you take that step?
Thanks for reading!



















