sɪɴᴜs ʀʜʏᴛʜᴍ.

[ 도경수, M.D. ] "The human body is the best picture of the human soul. Do you deserve a spot at 'The Louvre'? Yeah, me neither."

[kyungsoomd]

MEMORANDUM.

Do Kyungsoo has filed his leave of absence for his training overseas and received a stamp of approval last 13th of July, 2017. He would like to inform everyone that he will not be able to attend to any of his patients for this month of August and for the months to follow. He has asked a reliever from the same division to take over for all the patients that were initially scheduled for the rest of the year onward.

For inquiries, kindly approach the information desk down by the lobby or contact him at your own expense as standard message and data rates may apply. Thank you. Have a nice day!

✂ - - -  o o c  - - - 

Hello. 

You know.. I’ve always been thinking of quitting right from the very start. It wasn’t a mindset but a goal. To have a good finish.

I’ve tried back in 2013, when I got bored for a moment in time after dealing with personal hurdles and thinking, “That was it?” after one RP experience. I’ve tried in 2014, when I thought the worst enemy I had was Microbiology, where I would sneak replies between most of my classes and think of prompts as I’m faced with a computer. I remember doing replies back then, during a Biostatistics class, typing away like I didn’t have to listen for 3 straight hours. In 2015, I still did that, but with an assertion and an odd health condition to work with. I lost the motivation for it along the way because timing (as they say) was a bitch. 2016 was my last resort (or so I thought) because I wrapped up my initial four-year plague in this year and thought that — like my dreary soul — I should lay things to rest. But I didn’t. Things happened and I still felt stretched to continue. (You didn’t need the narrative, but the timeline of the several hiatuses I made Kyungsoo take came to mind.)

Several pitfalls later, here I am, saying goodbye once again. I can’t tell if this is said with an air of finality or if this is just a simple goodbye for another hello to follow. You know me. I’m making this post with a heavy heart because I love roleplaying Kyungsoo, be it Gen or AU, and I don’t think I’ll ever pour as much effort into any other muse. 

I need to take a break from it for the meantime or so. I have a big plate to fill starting this year and I’m sure I won’t be able to sustain Kyungsoo’s activity for a while. I’m going forth to continue the family legacy of MDs lined up. ㅎㅎ Wish me luck, yes?

So yeah.. That’s the gist of it. Indefinite(?) hiatus it is. Because who knows what hobby I’d take up a few years down the road. I don’t have the heart to deactivate this account. Ever. (I’m attached to this muse. Even though the KRP community has changed, my Kyungsoo will always remain the same.) If you’ll need us, it’s likely that we may be contacted through Twitter (@kyungsoomd) from now on. Foreseen spotty activity there, mostly. (Anyone who follows him there would attest to his inactivity.) AIM isn’t accessible for me anymore. #AsianProblems ㅎ So Twitter will be the only real active platform left. There’s also a Gen!DKS account on that platform, sporadic timeline interactions and lit IC DMs would be covered there for development. Do introduce yourself if you choose to approach him. But still, spotty activity. Everywhere. I cannot stress that enough. (EMPHASIS. EMPHASIS FOR THAT LAST PART.)

Roleplay has been an integral escape for me in all these years. So I’d like to thank all the muses who’ve spoken to my Kyungsoo, made an impact to Kyungsoo and vice versa. To all those muns who tolerated my late replies, lame plotting skills and fun & weird conversations. 

Thank you. To the bottom of my hypothalamus. (And Kyungsoo’s.) It’s been a pleasure writing with you, here, in this lifetime.

                                                                                                                                                                               —  A

[kyungsoomd]

CONSUMMATUM EST.

The pursuit of happiness is something Kyungsoo had always given importance for the past 2 years. An incorporeal item to yearn for, especially in times of tribulations, the top item on his computer’s history of Naver searches. It gave him the will to wake up every morning, the little cheer-up on a down day, the satisfying hug he’d sink into when he’s disappointed over something, the warmed up milk in a tall glass when he’s suffering from his insomniac tendencies.

                                        H a p p i n e s s …

What does it feel like to be completely happy? Truly, painstakingly happy like most children are? Or like in the cutouts of perfect couples depicted in vintage American collectibles? Like in those family-oriented commercials or on those cardboard labels of home appliances with a picture-perfect set of people endorsing the product, selling it off by convincing consumers of how convenient it is?

                        Kyungsoo wouldn’t know.                                                                 Nobody would.

But he thought it was best to aim high—to go after it by all means—because if achieving it guaranteed the endless supply of smiles and heavy back-up of motivation in everything he does, then it’s worth the chase. And the end would justify the means.

But Kyungsoo overlooked something he realized only after all the running and chasing he’d done. After all that’s been said, after all that’s been done.

The key was the happiness of pursuit. Happiness may be fleeting, but experiencing it—even for the smallest amount of time— is and will always be absolute bliss.

[kyungsoomd]

℞ playlist.

♫ A final song, a last request; A perfect chapter laid at rest. ♪

[ ► ] Are You In? - Incubus [ ► ] Rocketeer - Far East Movement ft. Ryan Tedder [ ► ] Sweet Soul Revue - Pizzicato Five [ ► ] With A Smile - Eraserheads [ ► ] Step - Vampire Weekend [ ► ] Constant Conversations - Passion Pit [ ► ] So Far Away - Bamboo [ ► ] Closing Time - Semisonic  

[notweirdbutunique]

[kyungsoomd]

✉  Kyungsoo, today. 170731.

Flight: Korean Air 8647               ( ICN  ✈ SIN ) Departure: 11pm Arrival: 5am (+1hr time difference) — To Ted Evelyn Mosby Do Kyungsoo,               A man with more emotional endurance than anyone I know.               It was a long and difficult road.               Thank god we finally got here.

[kyungsoomd]

✉  Kyungsoo, years from now. 

—  I’ll be frank in saying that I hope you’re alive and well out there… wherever you are. Are you still out with the saccharine words and gestures with women? Or have you finally settled down with someone? How are the kids? Vanille? Coco? Baskin? I’m betting Vanille packed a little weight again, but I wish you’d make her exercise more often. Coco better not be violating any fire hydrants around Goyang. And Baskin… well, she’s seen and done enough so I hope she’s well-behaved. I hope you finally go to your dream place. To Okinawa, where everything is sunny and sweet. The weather is perfect and the people are hospitable. The simple life you like. And I hope that.. you’re in a much better place. Not dead, definitely alive. Alive in every aspect you longed for in the past. I hope you’ve achieved what you’re fated to accomplish, and that you’ve find your worth in a place that breaks you down into particles that arguably puts an intolerable weight upon your shoulders to prove your worth and give you the chance to demand your worth for everyone to see. 

I hope you’re happy, you. Because for once, I could finally say that I love you. (Hah, self-love.) Most don’t understand how difficult it is to say such because we tend to loathe ourselves. So if you’re still having thoughts like this, read this again. 

Stop looking outside of yourself for your value. You won’t find it that way. You will never find it that way.

There is no perfect. There will always be struggle. You just have to pick who you want to struggle with.

[kyungsoomd]

✉ Kyungsoo, 3 years and 9 months ago. 

—  You’re quite the naive one, aren’t you? Chatty but ultimately reserved for most occasions. From playground dates to long walks on beaches, you’ll go a long way, I promise you that. There’s a lot of troubles down the road too, so make sure you ought to prepare yourself because it’s a bumpy ride from then on. Tiring, excruciating, but worth it nonetheless. You’ll make a series of wrong decisions but they’ll feel right at the time. That will lead to regret and self-loathing, but nothing too strong for you to fail in gaining your morale back. You’ll be fine, trust me. I’ve been there ㅋㅋ Believe me when I say that all those sacrifices you have made—all the waiting games and impulsive decisions—they don’t matter as much to me now than it did when they were in the heat of the moment. You’ll feel the anguish of burning coal inside but the fire will be out in no time. There’s no eternal flame like the burning bush in those Bible stories; even the sun chooses to rest for almost half a day too. Give yourself a break. Have a KitKat, for all I care. Just. Don’t. Look. Back. Too. Much. 

Alright? 

Alright.

[naturaekos]

Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.

Paramahansa Yogananda

[kyungsoomd]

Ω KPT № 170801 Parcel Masterlist.  ✈ Foreword: [ x ] 

          A → @

         ✉ Alphard          ✉ Betsy          ✉ Bright Boy Jongin          ✉ Butt noona          ✉ Butter          ✉ Channie the Absolute Friend          ✉ Comrade          ✉ Eunjinnie          ✉ Future Biomedical Engineer          ✉ Hae          ✉ Hot Possessed Girl          ✉ Hyotsumi          ✉ Hyuntae          ✉ Jaehyuk          ✉ Jennie          ✉ Joe           ✉ Little Devil          ✉ Maeng          ✉ Mirae          ✉ Mother Clucker          ✉ Motherf***ing Kai          ✉ Mouseyul          ✉ My Favorite DJ in the world          ✉ Myungd_ck          ✉ Nagasawa Grace          ✉ PatbingSoo          ✉ Parisian Mademoiselle to Docsaeng          ✉ Penber          ✉ Roz          ✉ Ryo           ✉ Sanitizer Auntie          ✉ Sooyoung-ssi          ✉ Sueji          ✉ Tomato          ✉ Vincent van Gone          ✉ Woobin          ✉ @rubyjane96 

[kyungsoomd]

✉ Betsy to my Keppy. 

— Up to this very day I write this letter, I still don’t know what to say to you exactly. This letter would never be sufficient no matter what angle I look into. I’m so used to horsing around with you that the mere hint of seriousness has me concocting craziness at the tip of my tongue. I’ll keep it concise here so bear with me. ‪

Love is hard. Love is scary. But most of all, love is painful. (Trust me, I know this too.) Because whether you experience a relationship that ends up shattering your heart to a million pieces, or if you’re lucky enough to find someone with whom your love lasts a lifetime, there will always be hurt occurring in some way. It's not love if it doesn't hurt, right? It's not love if you purposely hurt the person like a reckless bastard, selfishly wrecking everything in its path for your own heart's consumption of happiness in this lifetime. Your heart will always be at risk, and the only way to protect it is to block yourself off from love all together—which is, ultimately, the biggest loss you could ever cause yourself. 

So don't block everyone. Don't hinder yourself from having another shot at the happiness you deserve. Like in basketball, you'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You have a choice. We all do. Either you allow yourself to become a prisoner of love, to make your decisions based around what option is the least likely to cause you any harm or pain and to view love as a danger rather than a gift. Or you accept it for everything that it is—in its entirety as a painful and comforting package that it is—which means looking the pain (or the risk of pain) in the face and being willing to experience it in some form—if you think there’s a chance that you’ll also experience happiness in a way that you never have before.‬‪ You’re tougher than you ought to be.

There’s no win-win here. There never is. Either your heart is safe but completely deprived of experiencing great love, or your heart is in more danger than it’s ever been while simultaneously experiencing a feeling so special that it’s practically impossible to put into words. It’s up to you. Just remember that safety is not the same thing as happiness. ‬

Emoboy Do Kyungsoo here, giving you a 21 gun salute and a full-on admission that I love you. That I couldn't have survived all those dark days without you. And that I'll be walking on my own for this journey, but if you ever need me, I'd try to go out of my way and retrace my steps to get back to you, to hold your hand and basketballs so we could take a less rocky path together in the days to come. Even when I go hermit in a different cave, one farther than the others, we will always be under the same sky. I will never be too far away from you because I know we're close in terms of our hearts.

This tea-drinking, risk-taking, laughter-loving crazy 93numbboi™ Keppy will always be ready to talk you down and will be three steps ahead of you, three steps behind you, Betsy. Forever and always aiming to secure your safety, your health, and most especially, your happiness. Six degrees of separation won’t be a hindrance to this man on a wire, the very same man who has a rusty halo and who can’t be moved. I’ll walk away with a smile, because I know that you’ll take these words to heart. In time, all that pain on your hands. It will be long gone and moved on and we’ll be back to our good ol’ days. 

You’re not JUST Mark. You’re THE Mark. A powerful article giving context to his depth as a person one word at a time.

     Take that rage, put it on a page.      Take the page to the stage.      Blow the roof off the place.

[kyungsoomd]

✉  Alphard. 

— They say the best chance for any of us at finding the truest, purest, happiest form of love is by accepting the fact that it’s going to hurt no matter what. And that we don’t have any control over it. We don’t have to like it, we certainly don’t have to enthusiastically embrace the idea that love will hurt. What we must do is be aware of the fact that we have to willingly opening ourselves up to pain, rejection, vulnerability, loss, and a whole lot of other uncomfortable emotions, if we want any chance at all of experiencing real love. The reason love is so amazing to begin with is that by opening our hearts wide enough, we make room for more joys and more highs than we’ve ever experienced before. Ironically, that’s also why it's frightening. That extra room for happiness can double as extra room for pain.‬ And one cannot occur without the other—love and pain. They're bitter siblings, I bet.

I can say that I've experienced that type of love with you, in its own twist, that only you and I could attest to with the wind, sand and stars. Somewhere along the road, from folding paper cranes at your café to counting pets, to receiving inflatable trees fit for Party’s music video to holding your hand in your room back when I first opened more of my cuckoo clock heart’s troubles, I have learned to love you in the purest of ways anyone could think of. In the simplest, most inexplicable depth it might ever attain for a person. And not a single vile creature who dares to threaten or tarnish it among selectively deaf goons could make me waver in saying that I will always love you like this, up to the very day you wave your copy of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s novel, to the very day I land my way back in Seoul waving my chosen trinket and beyond. 

I’ve learnt to live in the present merely because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be… Living in the past has given me nothing but pain and insecurity, while living too far ahead has stretched my hopes to lengths that aren’t realistic. We have no idea what the future holds, but right now, to this day, my present holds everyone dear to me. Tightly grasping onto every aspect of you, tightly grasping onto every aspect of everyone who has touched my life.The future scares me because they say nothing is constant. But I’m ready to embark into the unknown in order to keep you as a constant.

( Which one are you? I wonder. ) 

( The first conversation ever. )

 Still, I do love you.             And I always will. 

You will always be legendary in my heart. 

[kyungsoomd]

✉ Hyotsumi.

— We’re here now, aren’t we? To this very stage of our lives, with our paths always ‘almost’ converging before diverging again. I can’t believe it either– Okay, I’ll keep this concise because you’ve steered away from the asphalted path far too long than I could remember. It pained me whenever I heard about your dismay, about your constant cycles of doubt, hope, then desolation. 

If things were different back then, I might have given you a warning and reiterated the factors of what’s to come in gambling with love. Gambling with love for a person whose love must always be under wraps—kept in vague remarks and subtle hints in minor outlets—away from public scrutiny, whose immense commitment is halved with you and with his fans. He took a gamble too, honestly, and that’s what mystifies me to this day. He’d put his whole career on the line—something he’s worked hard for even with the Nintendo already bestowed upon him—and took several risks to have a slice of that happiness he’s been deprived of ever since. Perhaps, he wasn’t deprived of it. He simply didn’t like to the taste of the ones that were offered up to him on French silver platters. He wanted yours, your sweet and intoxicating zest for all things and he’s been tied down as a regular ever since. 

Funny how one lucky streak in gambling could turn into an addiction, huh? 

Likewise.. You knew what you were getting into and heck—you dove straight into it so fearlessly. And I admired that. I admired you, and I admired him for a time as well. That’s why I made sure that the next time I loved someone, even if I’m aware of the consequences, I’d allow myself to get this vulnerable so that people will get to see a whole new side of me. So that I’d get a whole new side of me. A different perspective of myself to see that I’m not as jaded as I ought to be. To see if I will be a much better man than I was, compared to when I was too afraid of taking risks. Things might have been compromised on my part but I’ve ignored the red flags to be a stronger person for myself. To feel whole again, to pick up the pieces and build myself a stronger vessel, void of the constant need to find reassurance from another individual. You’ll never know just how sturdy a metal is without putting it through tests, right? And after it undergoes such, you can finally boast of its quality. That’s what I wanted to be. And that’s what I will be.

In sickness and in health, in turmoil and in resolve, in sadness and in joy. I love you. For always.

[kyungsoomd]

✉ My Favorite DJ in the world. 

— What’s up, cous? ㅋㅋ Missed me? I hope you took great care of those Yoda ears I gifted you with last year… I hate to be a bringer of bad news but you know that woman I talked to you about? The one when we were at the club with my friend, Mark? Well… it’s another crash and burn episode. Too bad you and Baek weren’t there to see it all unfold. (Well—actually—I really wouldn’t want you to witness that. It was a mess and I know you wouldn’t want to see me at that state…) This time, however, I’m going to leave you this note because I don’t think I could meet up with you without being convinced to stay. Seriously. You and I are like brothers from the way we’ve spent our childhood together. And for the longest time… you were closest to me, a level higher than my parents as a matter-of-fact, during the years I was just starting out and learning. There’s always room for learning, right? Which is why I took on this challenge for myself. To be away and to grow. (Not physically. It sucks, but we know it’s impossible for me to grow taller now. Curse you and your father’s good height in the gene pool.) I know I didn’t discuss this with you beforehand.. I was afraid I’d change my mind before I even began talking to you. You’ve always been home to me, cous. And the more I see you, the more I don’t want to be away from you. You’re that instrumental intermission to the static noise the city lives and breathes on. Once I’m elsewhere, I’ll miss that. I’ll miss you. Heavily. So I decided against approaching you early on. I hope you understand.

Cheer me on, okay? You know where to reach me. I’m only a Facetime call away, Yeol. Always and in all ways. Drop the beat as I drop the mic.

[kyungsoomd]

✉ Hot Possessed Girl.


— Well, what do you know? Another white parcel from me to you. Funny how things just… repeat themselves. Another year has passed… And we never had that long conversation of me scolding you. I waited. Didn’t you know? I tried to wait. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting all the time. I waited for as long as I could, but then I thought—maybe there was no point in waiting if you were never going to tell me when you’ll leave or when you’ll be back. It’s hard playing guessing games on your whereabouts like that, so you could say it took a toll on me… But that “grudge” is long overdue. And it’s also stupid of me, come to think of it. ㅋㅋ Now I’ll never know the full story of you going AWOL though. I just wanted to ask. Was it because of that other person you said you had? If it were that, I’d understand completely. (Our timing wasn’t right ages ago, I know. I think we pushed each other away too, knowing it wasn’t going to be right if we remained as close.) Was it because I’m too forward in admitting things regarding how I felt back then the second time around? I’m a persistent person, I’m sorry. But despite that, I wouldn’t impose myself too much if things just weren’t going to flow in the direction I wanted it to. I just wanted to spill it before it started spilling on its own against my will. It’s hard keeping things to myself but over time, I’ve mastered the craft by living on my own. Was it because you feared you’d only hurt me if we continued to be friends? You should know me better than that. I loved you enough to set aside my own welfare. I loved you enough to put everything at the back of my head and be willing to put up with your unprecedented absences. Was it simply because of business—and that you craved the life of a California girl more than the blues which Seoul brought you? I guess I’ll never have answers to these questions. Did you intend on leaving me hanging again last year? I felt like I was Pavlov’s dog, salivating the moment I heard the chime of a bell when you rang and arrived for a short while last July `16. (Don’t be surprised, I took note of the dates before. I even took note of the time when I felt your presence after I posted something with the tag about ‘solemates’, assuming you wouldn’t see it. I raved about that, you know? I thought you were coming back, but I thought wrong.) Nevertheless… I think instead of mourning over your disappearance, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude, because I’ve met someone like you who was a force to be reckoned with. You’ve impacted my life, in a weird way, and I’ll always remember how well we clicked even when we were an unlikely pairing to be friends to begin with.

[kyungsoomd]

✉ Bright Boy Jongin. 

— BB Jongin? ㅎㅎㅎㅎ  It seems I've been getting a wide range of things about you, Kim Jongin. I've met men who have an uncanny resemblance to you but I'd have to say, you're the most impeccable one of them all. It shows with the way you carry yourself, the things you say and the actions you display. EXO is your bread and butter, your second home. Consider Mark and I as your third one (or whichever ordinal number we may be on your number line of intimacy among relationships). I might not get past SME’s great wall of bodyguards but I’ll definitely get to you one way or another. KKT, SMS, just name it so I can switch your name to 곰생. I also can't promise to keep up with all of your group activities along with Mark's but do know that whenever the Singapore leg of your tour comes, I'll be sure to fight for some tickets there. I heard the commute going to the stadium is easy so I'll practice going there before the tour dates for Planet 4 comes out. 

Bend but never break, my good man. I’ll be watching over you from afar, my arms crossed and my look gleaming with hope for you to flourish. To flourish in terms of your personal growth, your growth as an idol, as an actor, and anything in-between, as well as your aspirations involving romance and the like.

Here’s to better days for you and for all of us.

[kyungsoomd]

✉ Mirae. 

— 

Punsais. Never let anyone trample over you. The size difference can be disadvantageous for some instances but I know you have a big heart which makes up for it. A tough one which could help you get through people who might try to walk over you. 

Puncinco. Be the personification of a bonsai. They say it's a metaphor for human growth. Never limit yourself to the things you can do. Always go beyond it. Challenge yourself. Be like bonsais with big dreams, despite being small trees.

Punquatro. When a bonsai tree gets wounded, it grows around the injury instead of repairing it. Humans could really learn a lot from nature if they sat down and took the time to understand it, huh? To be docile and learn the ways of the wind. Resilience is learnt with practice. Hopefully, you don't get wounded as much to cause drastic changes within you.

Puntres. There's no way to speed up the growth process. This is a test of patience and perseverance. Living in a fast-paced environment and millennium, learn how to slow down. Take a breather when the toxicity of everyone lingers around you and starts to sting your bubble of solace. 

Pundos. "Our brains are like bonsai trees, growing around our private versions of reality." I don't know why that quote spoke to me. Perhaps I've had several versions of reality kept to myself.. Take this as you wish. For someone in the prime of youth, you have such a complex mind. I love that about you. I hope that when we do cross paths around Seoul when I return, you'd still be the same. Or perhaps even better. A better version of yourself.

Pununo. Bonsai! (Banzai!)

[kyungsoomd]

✉ Hyuntae. 

—  Hyuntae, my lame friend ㅋㅋ Kidding. How are you and your islands? Have they been shaken up lately? Have you had Ha Jiwon as a visitor yet? Man, I don't really know what to write here.. but I'll go ahead anyway. I used to think that waiting for someone you love to be ready is the ultimate form of flattery and the ideal declaration of love. I did that, with a woman I always thought would be my better half because of how amazing we clicked. It's amazing when the universe conspires with nature to bring someone like that into your life. It’s how all epic love stories unfold and those who waited are rewarded for their patience when their 'special someone' comes back to them, open arms and all smiles like no adversity has passed over the course of the wait.

As much as you deserve to be rewarded for your patience and as much as you deserve someone who comes back and finally claims you, that is not always the case. Not always. I'm not generalizing things though, you could still be the odd man out in this situation but.. You shouldn’t set aside yourself for anyone else, because when you lose a person for whatever reason you are going to realize that you are on your own, and that you waited months or years for someone who didn’t end up fulfilling the prophecy you created for them. I wouldn't want to see you get wrecked like that, man.. Stop planting seeds of self-destruction and prevent them from growing. Sometimes patience is a waste of time. 

But if you really must wait—wait to be chosen everyday, wait to be reminded that you are special, wait to be loved in the way that you get what you've given, wait to be the receiver of the reciprocation you deserve, wait to be taken seriously and wait for someone who won't forever keep you in the dark, because you know that you deserve better than waiting around for someone to make up their mind. 

Do you know what you're waiting for? Think about that.